Monthly Archives: April 2015

If Only

If only I could learn to hide the weapons that drain me of my color

My guns, my pills, my sharp little razors

If only I could pick up the pieces of the broken glass from my dresser

And buy a new mirror that does not show me as a monster

If only I could remove the persistent voices in my head

Remove the cold slithery whispers that always wish me dead

If only I could wash all the dried blood of my hands

Erase my tracks, remove the prints, move off to a faraway land

If only I knew how to make some new friends

Make this infinite stretch of sadness and loneliness finally end

If only I could get rid of all the poisonous words and all the venomous hate

Eject the putrid toxins that stop me from being great

If only I could teach myself how to clear the static

Block the white noise, clean the blurs, replace it with music

If only I could change the bursting, fleeting emotions inside of me

Find the key, open the lock, and finally set my feelings free

If only I could break free from these masks of hollow lies

Reveal myself, show my true face, strip myself off this fake disguise

If only I could be brave, use my powerful voice, and gladly shout

Let the energy burst throughout my body as I run and sprint about

If only I could learn how to have fun, stop this endless pantomime

Enjoy my short life, taking on the big world one step at a time

If only I found the color of life, the chromaticity

Finally fix my problems, shake those gray chains off, and set myself free

If only I could let go of my hurtful, haunting past

And live my life in the present at last

…If only I didn’t die first.

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(A poem inspired by the anime Pandora Hearts.)

Wind back the endless time

The turn of the broken chime

Destroy the memories I once created

Remove the pains that I once experienced


The sweet music that flows from my veins

The box of happy memories that I forever lost

The endless links of silver scintillating chains

Revealing my secret, hurtful past


A soft silver thread ties our destinies

So delicate, fragile, like butterfly wings

The slow and intricate melody it sings

Which holds our clandestine souls in one piece


Just like an untouchable, thorny, blood-red rose

I gaze at you longingly from far away with a shattered heart

I want to protect your delicate smile and be so close

Although it will break my scarred hands apart


The chains and the contract may bind me in my soul

But my love for you, it will never bind in hate

They my try to make me bleed and step me out of my role

But for you, I will gladly accept my terrible fate


The acrid, stinging poison that tastes so sweet

The shining pure tears filled with joyous defeat

The rose that I hold in my hands, with blood remains

Laughing happily, yet with a tinge of pain


I’ll wait for you, my love, my dear

I’ll wait forever in the dark chasm of the abyss

Hold back your hate, terror, anger, fear

Because when we’re finally reunited…

Those thorns intertwining your arms and legs will surely dissolve into amiss.

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The Tale of a Human Heart

I always thought she was perfect

Invincible, indestructible

Flawless in every way

I thought she cannot be wrecked

Cannot be destroyed from where she stood

Like Superman in disguise

And because of that careless mindset

I became a terrible person

I often caught myself scolding her

Reprimanding her, chastising her

For failing to do something perfectly

Like I thought she always does

Failing to notice the good things she’s done for me

And instead focusing on her minute mistakes

But did she shun me for this?

Shout at me? Tell me to stop?


Instead she sucked it up and tried even harder

Tried to be flawless, to be that perfect person

That faultless person I always imagined in my head

She tried, even though it was slowly killing her

She tried too hard, and it was shattering her soul, little by little

Until her strive to perfection finally took a toll on her

And one day I saw her lying on the floor

Shallow breathing, bloodshot eyes, a barely conscious mind

And at that moment I finally saw her for what she was

Vulnerable, hurting, fragile

I screamed, I cried, I wailed in pain

When I finally saw my superhero collapse

And crumble to the ground

She had a terrible sickness, the doctors said

It was eating her inside

They looked at me with pity and regret

As though they could understand

And when I sat next to her hospital bed

That’s when I finally realized…

She’s only human.

She’s not Superman, she’s not a god

She’s not perfect, she’s not sinless

She’s just human, like the rest of us are

She laughs, she cries, she gets angry, she feels

She gets hurt, she bleeds, she has a soul

She’s prone to sickness and even death

And what did I do? Try to get her out of bounds

Pushed her to her limits, make her achieve the impossible

But because of my stupidity, she paid for it instead

She took the fall when I was the one holding the ax

I’m so sorry, darling, I couldn’t be good enough for you

She said in between shallow breaths

I’m so sorry I had to be sick

No, don’t say that, it was all my fault

I replied as I held back tears

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry

But saying sorry doesn’t matter at all now in the end

As her eyelids started to flutter, and her heart started to slow down

She caressed my face one more time, and I held her close in my heart

And she finally whispered her very last words

I love you, mixed with the sounds of the flatline

The final judgement for life

My tears fell so fast, there was no point holding them back now

The woman I had to brave for was gone

Yes, in the end, she was just another human

But to me she was the most important human in the world

I guess…now it’s too late to say that to her though

But there is only one thing I know in myself

And I know that she does too

The only words she needed for peace

I love you too, mom.

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The Truman Show Delusion

(About the delusion:


All the world’s a stage, the people all say

And you’d think that they know better

But as soon as the cameras come out to play

They get controlled, turn blind, and I am the only one smarter


They think that they could fool my clever, clever eyes

But of course, I already know their sadistic ruse

I see through all their sick disgusting lies

And to acting their written script out, I greatly refuse


Which ones are the actors, which ones are just naive?

Is this place even real, or is it just a studio set, all fake?

Are the cameras rolling, the lights and microphones I could perceive?

And do I hear a faint “Cut!” as someone makes a mistake?


What? Do those bumbling fools really think that I’m that blind?

Ha! I’m the smartest human of them all!

I’m the only smart person that’s aware that you can find

To the producer’s little tricks, I will never befall


Can’t you see? We’re like some rats in a large maze!

A lab rat, a robot, an experiment, just a petty plaything!

We’re like brainless little humans, robots with no actual face!

We’re like mere puppets, our lives being pulled on by a string!


They look down at us, move us like we’re just pieces of a chess

Just little pawns to move around the board, no more, no less

But we’ll show them, we’ll show those players, expose them to the crowd

That we’re not just pawns, and they just are simply a bunch of sadistic frauds!


Wait, what the hell are you idiots doing? Don’t do this to me!

Don’t lock me away in that dark miserable thing!

Why are you so stupid? Why do you refuse the truth, embrace the lies?

Why do you refuse to see the most obvious thing in front of your eyes?


You don’t know what you’re doing! Still acting out, I see!

You fools will regret the day you ever did this to me!

You can lock me up in an asylum, or even make me die

But I still am better than any of you, at least I really did try!




Hmmm…It seems that our genius figure’s finally figured it out

Is that so? Well then, master, what will happen to this show?

But don’t worry, young one, I got him all subdued now, without a doubt

What then? How come? What did you do to silence that noisy crow?

No one will believe him, of course, my obedient pets all think he’s insane

Yes! Of course! The perfect cover-up! We have prevailed once again!

But of course, dear sir, do you really think I’d let them off that easy?

Of course not, show master! Oh your clever mind works so greatly!

Off you go then. Everyone, return to their sets! Lights! Camera! Action!

Because, nosy meddler or not, the show must go on…

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Double Meanings

I slam my head on the cold hard wall

Hello there. I feel great, and so fine.

I trip myself on the high stairs and fall

I’m actually great, absolutely divine.

I draw pretty patterns on my skin with blades

What scars? Oh they’re nothing, just a little mishap.

I blurt out, I speak wrong, I make so many mistakes

Oh forget what I said, that was just a useless trap.

I smile when I can, and I laugh on their cues

That is hilarious, so funny, I’ve been laughing for so long.

But I try to hide all the hurt, I’m confused, a recluse

What do you mean? I’ve done nothing wrong.

It’s been going on for so long, they think it’s all real, but I beg to differ

…And you’ll never know that I am hiding an ugly monster.

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It hurts;

Not knowing what to say

And being at a loss for words

Leaving your mouth hanging open

At a time when you needed your voice the most

All your thoughts slowly slipping away from you

Like fine sand sifting away from your fingers

Years seemingly run away, it’s true

In your tongue, the unspoken lingers

While you stand there, mouthing undecipherable words

Until your mind’s rendered completely empty

And you’re left there standing alone, feeling heavy.

It hurts;

Not knowing how to say something

And lacking the right words to use

Your best ideas dissipating into thin air, lost

Just when you needed them the most

The words running away from the back of your brain

Diving off at the very tip of your tongue

And your hands fail to move and instead shake badly in pain

Writing nonexistent words

Until your mind overflows with too many thoughts, unkind

And crumbles your peace of mind.

Yes, really;

It hurts so much

It’s the worst kind of pain to us

A pain like no one can ever imagine

Like the taste of the stars fading away from your lips

Like the flame of a candle, flickering, dying bit by bit

Like the darkness consuming you from where you stand

Like the celestial universe being ripped away from your hands

It just feels that terrible, that scary, that bad

And I don’t at all jest

Like emptiness, a hollow feeling in your body and mind

It really hurts to be an uninspired poet.

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