If Only

If only I could learn to hide the weapons that drain me of my color

My guns, my pills, my sharp little razors

If only I could pick up the pieces of the broken glass from my dresser

And buy a new mirror that does not show me as a monster

If only I could remove the persistent voices in my head

Remove the cold slithery whispers that always wish me dead

If only I could wash all the dried blood of my hands

Erase my tracks, remove the prints, move off to a faraway land

If only I knew how to make some new friends

Make this infinite stretch of sadness and loneliness finally end

If only I could get rid of all the poisonous words and all the venomous hate

Eject the putrid toxins that stop me from being great

If only I could teach myself how to clear the static

Block the white noise, clean the blurs, replace it with music

If only I could change the bursting, fleeting emotions inside of me

Find the key, open the lock, and finally set my feelings free

If only I could break free from these masks of hollow lies

Reveal myself, show my true face, strip myself off this fake disguise

If only I could be brave, use my powerful voice, and gladly shout

Let the energy burst throughout my body as I run and sprint about

If only I could learn how to have fun, stop this endless pantomime

Enjoy my short life, taking on the big world one step at a time

If only I found the color of life, the chromaticity

Finally fix my problems, shake those gray chains off, and set myself free

If only I could let go of my hurtful, haunting past

And live my life in the present at last

…If only I didn’t die first.

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