Monthly Archives: July 2015

Counting Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel…

~*~

One, two, three, on my arms and hands I see

Ticking off the scars like the scratched tally marks on the wall

Five, six, seven, all scattered upon my frail body

Crimson blood constantly dripping, on the stained carpet it falls

.

Eight. Oh, remember this, my dearest mother?

The time you accused me and yelled at me for being a bother?

Shot off your hand, it’s all one big flash to me

And when I grew conscious I saw a nasty bruise, a purple mark so shiny

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Nine. Look, father dear, the great fat shiner I acquired

When you fumed about your stupid job and took it out on yours truly

You were grouchy, you were enraged, you were plainly very tired

But apparently not tired enough to lay your hard clenched fists on me

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Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Many more. All self-inflicted.

Sweeter than yellow honey, but rancid like rotten meat

Wounds to numb me down, to prepare me for the horror instead

To help me keep a straight face as my family lashes on repeat

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Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. On the brink of my soul.

From my siblings who condescend at me and sneer at my role

Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Too many to even count.

Thanks to my “real” friends who used and abandoned me as they flout

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Dark circles on my face, I know lately I’ve been losing sleep

But who has time to rest when they have wounds so deep?

Escaping from reality, into horrid torturous nightmares

Wake up the next morning and into life you apathetically stare

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Counting scars, near and far

Like morbid constellations, so pretty and yet oh-so dark

Colorful artworks, laced upon my pale sallow skin

But the cut of the sharp knife goes even deeper within

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Counting scars, and sometimes they re-open

Painful, so painful, but I have to sew them close again

The needle and thread, they pass through and about

Keeping me intact, in one piece, or just at least for now

.

Counting scars, can anyone see me slowly break?

Can anyone tell from my eyes, can anyone see past the thick clothes?

Wounds on the outer, and on the inner, my soul quivers and quakes

My brain goes dysfunctional, my heart paralyzes, turns stone cold

.

Counting scars, all kinds, all shapes and all sizes, they vary

From different bad episodes, all with very unique stories

But I finally give myself just one last scar to count

When I get rope burns on my neck and asphyxiation makes me black out.

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Spellbound

Girl I’ve got you, under a spell 
And I don’t think I’ll be letting you out 
I’ve got you 
If this is heaven then baby I don’t wanna know hell…

~*~ 

Mellifluous incantations, celestial visions

Magic words and highly toxic potions

Wooden wands, dolls and hair strands

Ancient books on rickety stands

.

Cauldrons frothing, shimmering with iridescent fog

Deformed ladles melting, hissing, starting to sag

A shady silhouette at the very back of the room

Another victim tied up, awaiting her inevitable doom

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Dripping from his mouth like silver light stirring

Cold eyes so hypnotizing, sonorous voice so mesmerizing

Lilting words strung together like Christmas lights

Forming manipulations to remove the frontal lobe of her mind

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Poisonous liquid numbing down her tongue

His delicate hands covering her frightened eyes from the sun

Dark clouds and dust, dirty dungeons and deliria

Each utter flowing from his mouth gives her rising hysteria

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His head snaps, her head lolls, scorching sparks start to fly

Chanting louder, growing stronger, a crow raises its violent cry

He gestures wildly, she whimpers sadly, and finally took the fall

She listlessly sits with no other wits, he’s got her under his control

.

He’s successfully got her under his impenetrable spell

Forever bound to an incantation, a prisoner of her own mind

Never to leave, never to break, never to be well

An empty shell that ricochets a faint cry of help behind

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He captured her heart with his powerful spell

Because no amount of magic can cause him to love anymore

So lonely. So dreary. He lives his days in constant hell

Taking victim after victim, throwing them away when he gets bored

.

He took her entire life into one big fantasy spell

She got so indulged and passionate that she couldn’t even tell

And shame that her common sense can no longer be set free

Because that senseless, limerent, spellbound girl is me.

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Human Machinery

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- 

</SYSTEM_START> 

.

Sunlight.

.

Another new day. Get out of bed. Reboot your CPU again.

Clean your parts shiny, no spot of dirt must remain.

Fix the errors, clean the viruses until you are better.

Now take a look at your face in the mirror.

.

Just the same emotionless face. As always.

.

Cold. Calm. Careful. Calculated.

Not a single bolt out of place.

Fixed. Unbroken. Perfect. Pseudo-dead.

Not a single wrong. Not a single mistake.

.

Best to keep up that facade.

Emotions are unwanted and bad.

Plaster a thick mask upon your face.

Don’t turn your mouth up. Don’t shed tears. Leave no trace.

.

Ready?

.

Now take a step outside. Slowly. Carefully.

Into your stage. Into your industrial play.

There are fellow machines also moving.

Nod a bit. But no expressions. No faint smiling.

.

Start to walk. The creaking of your gears, do not mind.

Walk. Carefully. Into your scheduled place.

Feel the clank of the metal. The process of your mind.

Faster. Faster. Time is running in a haze.

.

Into the building. Into the office. More machines.

But different. Flawed. Sentient. Actually having fun. Laughing.

Should you be jealous? Should you turn green with envy?

No. That is the work of a failed machinery.

.

Walk on. Walk on. Ignore. Ignore.

Lay your ocular device upon the cold white floor.

Into your room. Into your work. Don’t move another inch.

Don’t stop. Don’t rest. Don’t eat. Don’t flinch.

.

Keep on working for the rest of the day.

.

The ticking time signals the end.

Go on. Give your wires and screws a stretch. Stand.

Off you go, out the building. Into the setting sun.

Another day gone. Another job done.

.

Home.

.

Step inside. Flick the lights open. Adjust your vision.

Go into the living room. Sit. Turn on the television.

Apathetic to murders. Thefts. Corruption. Bad news. Death.

When time comes to time, shut down your systems and rest.

.

Repeat cycle the next day.

.

This is it. This is all there is to my life. To me.

 All but perfect cycles, all human machinery.

No emotions. No feelings. No fun. No nothing.

No joy. No sadness. No anger. No singing.

.

A world of metal toys, grinding gears, and utter perfection.

An industrial society reeking of smoke and oil with no other distractions.

A hellish life of monochrome, darkness, and bore.

Please. No more. No more. No more

.

. .-.-.-.-….——..-.-__._.–. 

N@O$#+.$(M@&@O¢^÷|¶’R√℅¢E°}’$- 

</SYSTEM_CRASH>

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Conversing With A Mirror

…I can hear the children talking , screaming you’re a wreck 

If you think you’re so convincing, where’s your self-respect?

 ~*~

Hello, my old friend 

It’s been a while since we last met 

I know that may have shattered you into a million pieces

But I’m sorry for that, that won’t happen again, I promise

.

I forgive you. So how is your life? 

Still overflowing with endless torture and strife? 

How are your friends? How is your family? 

Are they still stabbing your back? Treating you as an enemy? 

.

Oh yes, absolutely, they haven’t changed a bit 

They still trod over me and make me feel like shit 

Um, that promise I made? Yeah, you can tell 

I still haven’t fought back, and surprise! They still give me hell 

.

I see you still have those scars, and some new ones too 

And your eyes are still bloodshot and lifeless

Your hair looks like it hasn’t touched a brush, it’s a mess 

Or is your life even messier than that, true? 

.

I know, I know, I look like a big train wreck 

What can I do? It’s even worse than before 

My mind’s in shambles, I’m a walking accident 

If I can’t rearrange myself, d’you think to my life I could do so much more? 

.

Ah, I meant no offence at all, so sorry 

Maybe I started out a little too heavy 

Sorry once again, but pray tell go on with your story 

Perhaps maybe you’ve got good news to tell me? 

.

Well…I’d be lying to you if I try to be positive 

Just look at me, talking to you, barely trying to exist 

Well, good news, I stopped eating colorful pills for breakfast 

But I replaced it with bullets instead; the taste of death lasts 

.

That’s barely good news, but I really couldn’t blame you 

I know what you feel, I know what you’re going through 

I know I’ve said this a million times, but you won’t listen 

Please try to survive, please live, don’t get dragged down by them

.

God, are you seriously listening to yourself right now? 

You’ve said the same fucking thing over when we last talked! 

Have I changed? Have I gone for the better? Hell no! 

Stop preaching to me, you hypocrite, you know that ain’t how I walk! 

.

Calm down, please, I’m not the villain here 

Stop banging your fists against the glass, you’ll only hurt yourself 

I’m your only ally, you and me against the world, remember? 

If you refuse my gospel, then who are you gonna cry for help? 

.

Sorry, no, I didn’t mean to be so angry 

It’s just that…just that no one cares anymore about me 

Sure you’re the only one, and you couldn’t even dry my tears 

I’m turning schizophrenic, it’s just as I feared 

.

There you go again, stop planting doubt in your mind 

I’m as real as imagination can get, as you could easily find 

Let the idiots think whatever, let them spread their slanderous lies 

Just as long as you know it isn’t true, because humans do little otherwise 

.

Ah, I think I hear my mother screaming from downstairs 

Yelling something about my blood on the wall, or some mistake I made

I’d hate to leave you now and cut this off shortly 

But I still have to return to my own wonderfully shitty reality 

.

Oh shame you have to go, well, goodbye then 

It was so nice to have a proper chat once again 

But please, one last thing, for me, for you, just try your best to live 

Because I tell you, dear girl, the other side of the mirror ain’t as good as you think.

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The Darker Thespian

No one else knows it, but I am an artist;

A writer, a painter, an actor, jack of all trades, I have it all

But not a conventional one, for my inspiration lists

At the very void of my brain and the ruin of my soul

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I inspire myself by dragging my emotions down

Depression is very welcome, for he’s what fuels my mind

I sacrifice and suffer, for artistry I’ll scream and frown

A passionate artist, for my craft, leave my common sense behind

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I weave chromatic words together with the darkness of my heart

Create a web of lies, my burdens dictate my art

Scratching words on a pad, hoping someone would notice me

Creating my own reality and cautionary tales with poetry

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I paint works of arts with a sharp brush and my own blood

The numbing pain, the crimson rain, give me joy, it’s quite odd

Painting pretty pictures on the canvas of my skin

 Covering my ugly scars with better ones, abstract to its kin

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I practice my acting by faking my feelings everyday

It’s all a stage play to me, why does it matter anyway

Tons of masks to hide me, all plastered upon my face

Trying to compete with a society that is the greatest fake

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I am an artist, and this is what I do so far

Everything I feel for this world, on my works and creations it lies

But shame now that the world has lost another star

For my artistry finally drove me to the wall and lead to my demise.

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Cosmic Spill

I encase the spinning galaxies in my hand

Planets in my eyes, nebulaes ebb in my blood

Quasars, constellations, dotting my body, off they fly

The universe in my system, explode and reborn as I die.

~*~

Are we humans alone in this mysterious universe?

Or can our simple songs travel across planets and be heard?

Light years away, our verses are delivered

Let’s wait until demise for their voices to be echoed.

~*~

I am in shameless limerence with the stars

Their incandescent light, time travel, in an epoch

No longer alive when they reach our skies

An ethereal relationship that cannot be stopped.

~*~

Comet, comet, wound ’round my head well

Scorching my eyebrows with your sparking tail

Comet, comet, I bid you farewell

May you not shatter your light and ultimately fail.

~*~

You and I can stop the lights from going out tonight

Let’s unfurl open our wings, and the gravity we fight

Taste the cosmos as we waltz across the auroras and the sun

Gliding in the night skies in ineffable bliss and oblivion.

~*~

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Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD)

You think that I’m a subdued human being;

Just another petty blade of grass

Another normal organism boredly living

So I’m usually ignored and passed

.

But no one knows the terribly ugly truth

The clincher in the clean, orderly path

I am cleverly disguised, like the big bad wolf

No more hiding: I am a psychopath

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My body’s a highly dangerous minefield

In a wide valley of stepping feet

One little snap, just a small pressure to yield

And off goes my emotions, and my soul shatters, depletes

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And sometimes, when time comes to time

When dull people like you get tired of living in decline

So what do you do? Take it out on unknowing people like me

Sorry to say, but you just chose the wrong target, honey

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Talk me trash, test my patience, snap my bones

They’re all just words to me, useless sticks and stones

Because as you laugh like an idiot and titter and scoff

The short countdown in my mind slowly ticks off

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Throw me around, dirty my good name

Ten, nine, eight, seven

Pick on the innocent, and all in good fun

Six, five, four, three, two…and one.

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Then I’ll rampage the town, a violent monster

You realize your cataclysmic mistakes

My sense and humanity are there no longer

I’m just a vessel filled with poison and hate

.

You can chase me around with your pitchforks and guns

You can try to hide somewhere, try to get away and run

Or you just simply watch as I madly drench you in blood

As the world cruelly realizes no one’ll save them, there is no god

.

Am I sealing my fate by embracing the black heart of Death?

Will causing utter discord to the innocents bring me regret?

Am I going to burn? I already know all that, see

And you are burning down with me

.

So go ahead then, make a try

If you really dare, just step on me

And we’ll both blow up to the skies

In mutual destruction and entropy.

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L[o]E[v]A[e]D Poisoning

I am lead;

I poison your blood

Fog up your head

Clear as mud

.

The silver liquid dripping down my tongue

Like an angel disguised in the darkness

Dare you have a taste, maybe just one?

It won’t hurt much, I promise

.

Transfer my toxicity

With my kiss of death

From my lips to your body

Passion for your health

.

Feel the love, but no longer think

Close your eyes, but no longer blink

Feel the poison shift the gears of your mind

Leave all hate and sanity behind

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A life for a life, bliss for bliss

Intertwine your fate with mine

For when I leave, I know you’ll miss

The acrid taste of Heaven, divine

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Will you release common sense for me?

Go crazy with the qualms of love?

Take your soul and set it free

Until your brain, you no longer have

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Will you gladly step on a mine?

Dance with death? Hug a knife?

My love comes with a fatal design

I understand your refusal for the sake of your life

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I am lead; taste my pain

Love me like the fire loves the rain

Risk your life, and I shall always remain

Love me until your madness is permanently retained.

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