Bad Decisions

I live and I learn from my mistakes, then I forget them again
Got a feeling in my stomach that just won’t quit
It’s subtle as a shotgun, heavy as a brick
Because I’m staring at the devil and the truth of it is
He’s a lot more familiar than I’d care to admit…

~*~

If I didn’t do it, would I find company in regret?

The risks I’ve taken into a threatening step

I was so fucking crass and high on dopamine

The consequences didn’t present on clear formalin

In cold sweat, confused, can’t blame me for the words

That I wrote at 3 AM, when I was out of this world

I thought I was clever, I had an idiot for an opponent

But clearly the tables have turned on me, the unwilling proponent

Unsettled anxiety creeping slipping dripping in my dreams

Another reason to carve scarlet notches on my skin

Don’t blame me for being so stupidly irrational

I was never the sharpest crayon on the shed, so sensational

I thought the problem would be resolved and cure the affliction

But now my soul is hell and my heart’s in perdition

As my brain is being eaten away by my own fucked creation

I’ve relapsed into frenetic screaming and hyperventilation

I don’t fucking know how I can ever face reality now

I have no face to show, no pride to give, no reputation to endow

All because of the long game that I fathomed I would win

I’d rather kill myself than to kneel to life and face all my sins

I never meant to do it, this conscience was never my design

I swear you can pretend I don’t exist, that’s the best and all fine

The contrition poisons me now and it hurts to the very bone

But if I didn’t have the guts to do it, would you fucking leave me alone?

~*~

Oh shit, I’ve done it again
I’m in way too far in over my head
Crossed the line, so many times
That I don’t even know what it stands for
Home sweet hole, just be careful what you wish for
Home sweet hole, just be careful what you say—
Bite your tongue, just bite your tongue
You’ve already said quite enough…

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