running mouths

you don’t know

just how difficult it is

and how much

i fucking try

because it’s much

harder to stay clean

than it is to relapse

but i thought i could

with every faith i’ve got

i fervidly believed i could…

until your snide remarks

threw every effort

every restraint, and

every chance i have to

change my ways

all out the damn window

insensitive callous cunt

you think it’s all in good fun?

well, it fucking hurt me

worse than the blade ever did

and if that’s your sense of humour

you’re just fucking sick

and now you ask me

what’s wrong

as if it wasn’t your fault

that i’m this way now

and that my breakdowns

got a little bit too loud

i’m sorry, am i disturbing you?

how inconsiderate of me

i’ll try to keep it down

you ask me if i need

medication, or counseling

why? so other people could

clean up the mess that

you fucking made?

i’d take up on your offer

but i’m too busy trying to

contain my relentless shivering

and begging myself

not to do this to myself anymore

and i’m trying to convince

myself not to die right now

so it would really be best

if you just left there and then

and wallow in your own ignorance

because there’s nothing else

you can do for me

unless you want to exacerbate

the fucking damage, then

in which case, please

fucking go, and have at it

and don’t hold back this time

you’re welcome to give

me a reason to continue this

or just stop everything permanently

but just as i’m calming down

and picking up the pieces

of the fucking mess i am, i hear

you gossiping upstairs

shamelessly, bitching out

to fellow ears as incredibly shallow

and as stupid as yours

as if that would ameliorate shit

you want to make things better now?

well you fucking can’t

get that through your thick skull

and your overly-inflated ego

and just fuck off back to legoland

in your happy little place

of neurotypical munchkins

that don’t cry for no reason at all

that don’t hurt themselves

that could stop being depressed

when you want them to

when you tell them to stop

it’s such a shame that you

just had to ruin what could be the

beginning of a clean slate

ending it with a tactless joke

you just had to set loose past your

reviling, inconsiderate tongue

and what sickens me the most

is how true it all is

how this fucked-up family

does indeed make me slit my wrists

you want me to live up

to your alecky bullshit chides?

fine. i’ll fucking do it

it’s easier for me anyways

if it’s what you want, it’s what i need

and shit, how can i even complain?

after all, you goddamn well know what’s best.

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