1 – hope your heart gets soon

it’s all coming back to me now…

that laugh, half-remembered.

vicious dreams, buried under deep

in an attempt to submerge

my own brain in a vat of denial.

your charm; reckless, relentless—

so fucking interesting to me.

i thought i’d already let you out of

my system, but sometimes i still

get a little sick of myself and the way

you swim under my tangled veins

so that i can’t bleed you out.

oh, we did have some good times,

before my distractions tumbled down

the stairs and it shattered along

with the fragile illusion of you.

it never mattered much, but i tried

to hide it away until then, and before

now—shameful, pathetic, deluded.

but i try, h. i don’t know why i do,

and i don’t know why you’re returning

to the shallow depths of my mentality

when i least expected it—it’s been

three years now, i have counted.

and still; when the countdown ended,

when the ball dropped and everyone

kissed their friends and bubby glasses

and cheered at deafening fireworks,

i still found my midnight sky to be lit up

with your most distant memories.

it’s all slowly coming back to me now—

that youthful smile, half-forgotten.

violent dreams, making me scream

in an attempt to capture my attention.

the doubt and insanity of it all…

i don’t know if i mind having it back again.

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