it’s all coming back to me now…
that laugh, half-remembered.
vicious dreams, buried under deep
in an attempt to submerge
my own brain in a vat of denial.
your charm; reckless, relentless—
so fucking interesting to me.
i thought i’d already let you out of
my system, but sometimes i still
get a little sick of myself and the way
you swim under my tangled veins
so that i can’t bleed you out.
oh, we did have some good times,
before my distractions tumbled down
the stairs and it shattered along
with the fragile illusion of you.
it never mattered much, but i tried
to hide it away until then, and before
now—shameful, pathetic, deluded.
but i try, h. i don’t know why i do,
and i don’t know why you’re returning
to the shallow depths of my mentality
when i least expected it—it’s been
three years now, i have counted.
and still; when the countdown ended,
when the ball dropped and everyone
kissed their friends and bubby glasses
and cheered at deafening fireworks,
i still found my midnight sky to be lit up
with your most distant memories.
it’s all slowly coming back to me now—
that youthful smile, half-forgotten.
violent dreams, making me scream
in an attempt to capture my attention.
the doubt and insanity of it all…
i don’t know if i mind having it back again.