Am I a bad person?
I always thought that I can redeem myself somehow, but maybe all I do is be a shitty influence to everyone and screw up the things that barely tolerate me. I’m not trying to degrade myself, but sometimes it really feels that way, and other people have been so kind as to point it out unkindly to me, which is a lasting evidence of how factual it is. Go ahead, stone me and mock me for my self-pity, say that I’m just being a completely self-absorbed, egocentric, narcissistic prick. Fine, I’ll accept that because I know that better than anyone else. And I know, believe me. I know. After all, there’s no sinking lower for something that is at their lowest point. And if I’m nothing but a nuisance, maybe I should do everyone the favour of staying the fuck out of their way. It hurts me, it really does, and yet how cruelly ironic that it has to end this way on the very peak of a new year. I thought I could still change. I thought it’s not too late. But guess I’m just a stupid ideologist living in a rose-painted world, and ugly reality has reared its head and ripped off the illusion straight out of my eyes. And am I wallowing in seven circles of misery. It’s so difficult because I’m still in the process of convincing myself, and honestly I don’t want to accept it, but if it really has to be that way, then I’m just going to have to suck it up and see it for as it is. How disgusting am I? Am I really that fucking repulsive enough that people want me dead? No, sorry, that they need me dead? Do I hear a roaring chorus of assent?
But you know what? They’re right.
I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry if I have to do this. I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.