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Am I a bad person?

I always thought that I can redeem myself somehow, but maybe all I do is be a shitty influence to everyone and screw up the things that barely tolerate me. I’m not trying to degrade myself, but sometimes it really feels that way, and other people have been so kind as to point it out unkindly to me, which is a lasting evidence of how factual it is. Go ahead, stone me and mock me for my self-pity, say that I’m just being a completely self-absorbed, egocentric, narcissistic prick. Fine, I’ll accept that because I know that better than anyone else. And I know, believe me. I know. After all, there’s no sinking lower for something that is at their lowest point. And if I’m nothing but a nuisance, maybe I should do everyone the favour of staying the fuck out of their way. It hurts me, it really does, and yet how cruelly ironic that it has to end this way on the very peak of a new year. I thought I could still change. I thought it’s not too late. But guess I’m just a stupid ideologist living in a rose-painted world, and ugly reality has reared its head and ripped off the illusion straight out of my eyes. And am I wallowing in seven circles of misery. It’s so difficult because I’m still in the process of convincing myself, and honestly I don’t want to accept it, but if it really has to be that way, then I’m just going to have to suck it up and see it for as it is. How disgusting am I? Am I really that fucking repulsive enough that people want me dead? No, sorry, that they need me dead? Do I hear a roaring chorus of assent?

But you know what? They’re right.

I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry if I have to do this. I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

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I truly want to die right now.

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It’s so fucking easy for one person to ruin a family, one person who thinks they’re all holier than thou, someone who’s unaware of the damage they have caused, with the naïve mindset that they’re in the position to poke their noses in like a rabid bloodhound and fix other people’s shit. Because they think that by doing the right thing, they’re setting the cogwheels of the clock back in proper motion, when all they’ve actually done is to make a hurricane collide with hell. Yet likewise, it’s so hard to inform them of what their measly prim fucking actions have actually helped create, even though you just badly want to drop the entire fucking earth on their shoulders and let the pain and the burden simmer in on their consciences, to let them know what they’ve done, and hope to the stars until they lose light that it will kill them slowly, every single waking moment of their goddamned life.

It’s so easy to find out when something is truly broken, to know when all that whitewashed innocence and preambles of hope and faith and death high ambitions all chase the striped zebra and circle down the drain, all replaced by the honours of horror and perennial promises of suffering and calvary and hours of being fucked around like a perused machinery, and it’s so easy to realise just how fucked up your own family is, nothing but a bunch of underestimaters and underachievers trying to eat the other’s throats out and laughing when you break both your legs clambering up the stage. Yet it’s so hard to accept the costs and the heavy liabilities, the initial hard sting of the sullen vodka that kicks your balls and makes you keel to your chosen deity. And there’s a moment when you still wish you can revert back to the usual standards of being able to ignore just how fucking pathetic your bloodline is, because somehow, that’s a promise you can still attest your flogged wrists to.

And after all that’s come and gone, it’s so especially easy to play the role of the family disappointment and succumb to the promising embrace of death. Leave it to the kings and minstrels to rejoice at your loss, to hold parades and sigh in relief like the sick twisted bastards that they are, because after all that’s come and gone, nothing can truly be the same, and truly it will be easier for you to just fucking up and leave. After all, what’s the easiest thing to do in life but die.

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Nature’s Dulcet Tones

RAINBOW RUNNER

Pulled onto the sky

By last tears of silken clouds

Ribbon of colours.

~*~

MOTHER NATURE’S DRESS

Upon where we step

Flowers, trees, plants, blossoming

Earth; Nature’s soft skin.

~*~

FIELD OF DREAMS

On the ground I lie

Blades of grass, shamrock so deep

Guide me into sleep.

~*~

NAUTICAL NONSENSE

Splashing and crashing

The water scintillating

Waving you goodbye.

~*~

MOONBEAMS

Sphere with a dark side

Gleaming white teeth grinning down

What does your smile hide?

~*~

THE LAST DAYS OF WINTER

Glaring sun perched proud

Buds of green as it melts, thaws;

Winter’s bone-white snow.

~*~

FIREFLY

Fireflies will guide you

In the valley of darkness

Stars below the skies.

~*~

SUMMER SNAPSHOTS

Tepid weak-willed winds

Ice cream melting by the pool

Sluggish lazy bones.

~*~

LITTLE RAINDROP

See it falling down

Hear it splash, a tranquil sound

Bye, little raindrop.

~*~

UNDERGROUND HEAVEN

I plant little stars

In the hope that they would spring

Into dazzling hope.

~*~

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The Jester

Forcing me upon monkey suits and contriving me to entertain

I try to say so otherwise but my complaints are all in vain

They shoot guns at my feet, to make me do a silly dance

Threaten me with scarlet tomatoes to ensure absolutely no defiance

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Dignity for decadence, ego for fifteen minutes of fame

A couple tastes of crystal sugar for a supply of lifetime shame

Masks upon masks plastered crudely, thick makeup to hide my frown

Am I still a human being or just another rundown clown?

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They say to take one for the team, they tell me I’m unfair

When they’re the one making me dangle my nobility on a strand of hair

I wish no more, this life of jests and pie and mockery thrown to my face

Next time you catch me, I’ll be walking slowly towards the end of my life race.

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Astrological Musings

Not many are fully aware, but the known universe is mostly composed of dark matter and antimatter.

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It is said that they make up about 95% of everything that occupies the vacuum of space.

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And yet somehow, curiously, we humans always manage to pinpoint and view the 5% of it.

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The 5% filled with endless arrays of astral bodies to observe,

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The 5% blazing with light and utter radiance,

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The 5% that opens up new possibilities and hope.

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Because to us, it doesn’t matter how seemingly scant the light is,

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So long as it’s still there.

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And to us, the darkness is nothing else but another component

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That makes the stars shine brighter

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So that we could see them even better.

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Automaton

Somehow, inexplicably

My entire being feels very heavy

As if lead was coursing through my veins

And my organs have been replaced with steel

Maybe that’s why I feel

That I’ve lost contact with my emotions and my will

Is because I’ve been upgraded into an automatic machine

Just another cold wind-up robot with no full grasp of living.

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Prisoners of War

The war raged on, the world roared against

The endless screams and sussurus chants become utterly hellbent

Nuclear animosities fell, metal clashing with metal endlessly

Children manufactured as toy soldiers for this apocalyptic society

Bright crimson painted the skies, thick gunpowder filled the air

Fight or flight, defy or die, you’d be an idiot to be scared

But no one realised that they were all idiots of the war

For there is only one earth, one planet, one side they were all fighting for.

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Monday Melancholia

Where is your head?
Where is your head?
Stuck in some dream
Where no one is listening…

~*~

RELEASE

Take me away from the anarchy of my mind

Leave all sanity and atrophy behind

Release me from the sirens that drown my ears

Cease the riveting flow of my crystalline tears

And pray keep that toxic black potion out of my reach

I implore, set me free and let my tired heart sleep.

~*~

BACKBURNER

Weary, despair, trudge, toil, and slave

Negative words that relate to desperation

But it’s funny and quite sad how many people state

That it’s also synonymous to education.

~*~

BLUE

The vision of my eyes seems to be faulty

Replacing the clear filter with shades of blue

Perhaps that’s why when I wake up I always see

That I’m always filled with gloom.

~*~

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It’s Never Over

Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say
What is lost can never be saved…

~*~

REALITY STAGE PLAY

Crafty pickpockets and sickly grey puppets

Thieving rats scuttling around the broken set

Lose your depleted wallet, cause a huge racket, try to defend

Get beaten up, the curtain drops, but the show never really ends.

~*~

DEAR CHARLOTTE

Writing sweet letters to his dearest Charlotte

Never once discovering that she was a closet harlot

And whispering false promises in desperation to another John

Burning useless money for the company of anyone.

~*~

EXTINGUISHED HOPE

Her child cries wild, his stomach screaming of hunger

As she struggles to balance on the bridge they live under

Cradling him, saying promises, singing a lullaby to soothe

Even though the stars had already gone out in her universe.

~*~

PARASITE FARM

Germs of society, no one is safe from harm

A ground full of bloated worms, a parasitic farm

Bacteria masticating away at the resources like a rabid pig

Eating at the core of the world in their frenzy of greed.

~*~

BUTTERFLY WINGS

Living in a crimson world dominated by guns

Where the criminals are free and the innocents run

And all a child could do is attach butterfly wings to a bullet

A last-minute innocence before they get murdered by it.

~*~

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