Blue Illusion

this friday night

i threw out control and

i drank myself away

until my lips were as blue

as the alcohol i craved

cerulean illusions

faded like fireworks

dancing past my hazy eyes

as i exhaled out slurs

and my breaths collided

with the dim sodium lights

though it isn’t enough

to get me inebriated

and drunk on the colours

but i sure felt hitched

to a temporary heaven

and i sure as hell ain’t sober

razor blades didn’t cut it

so here’s another cure

i’ll prescribe to keep me sane

and i hope these smiling

little breath mints will

help me hide the reek of pain.

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Ghostwriter

I write about you

When there’s nothing left to lose

Let them wonder

About you and your little lyrical clues

Your whims a cause

And I wish to embrace your doubts

I write about you

Because there’s nothing else to write about.

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letters to s.d.: final fragment #8 {postscript}

Sent: June 28, 2017
Received: August 19, 2017

.

[REDACTED]c, p[REDACTED]re fucking for[REDACTED]le m[REDACTED]e.

.

i failed you.

i thought i could win

but i just let override me

i let it bite my skin

i let it numb and desensitise me

i can’t look you in the eye

as you tell me i’m at my best

but i look at your scars

and it feels like a stab in the chest

if you can, then i can too

but fuck, guess we’re both wrong

despite all my attempts

despite all your painless songs

save the time, as i’m falling

so goddamn stop me

but you can’t help anymore

it’s not like the way it used to be

this was…all for you

all for you alone, all this time

and aren’t i so selfless

to pay you with my crimes?

i remember that you always say

“darlin’, you’ll okay”

and i want so badly to believe

but i have a short breaking point

and this is all i can give

the choice is mine for the taking

what’s another funeral wake?

i’ve gone in far too deep in

and  i’m left with vanished stars

so i can only pick the best

and if i die, i can finally awaken

i’m a coward, i know

but you don’t have to be

struck with contrition for a

guileless naïve stranger

hell, i’m never strong enough

to overpower my own foolish self

that much, at least, is true

no, i’m just not fucking strong enough

f     o     r        y     o     u.

i’m so sorry, s.d.

.

but before i say goodbye permanently, i would like to confess that you’r[CONTENT MISSING]

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vocal entanglement

i’ll never get

tired of the way

the strings

around my neck

tighten as you play

them and sing;

though i’m unable

to sing along

for your spell is

choking my windpipe

and binding tight

my tongue

.

and yet i could

never ask you to

remove your hands

and the strings

all wrapped around

my bruised neck,

shut up, and just call it

quits, despite the

unfortunate fact

that the copper and

metal wires are lacerating

my bleeding throat.

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disinterested

i’m losing interest

but i convince

myself to lie

give my feet the

chance to think

and i let them try

i’m losing interest

in the rays of the sun

i don’t know why

but i always end up

exhausted as it

sucks my bones dry.

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The Tale of Vega and Lyra

“Quand on a pas ce que l’on aime, il faut aimer ce que l’on a.”

“When one doesn’t have the things that one loves, one must love what one has.”

~*~

I am, most inarguably, the brightest star among our constellated cluster

My incandescence and radiance rendering those beside me quite lacklustre

But all my kerfuffled pride seemed to fall and my skill seemed to diminish

As I peered further than I ought to and found you, surging me with a zealous finish

.

I attempted to elevate myself, to glow brighter than several masses of exploding stars

Perhaps I was jubilant of your thoughts, or perhaps I wish to have been noticed

But despite my gradient brightness, you’ve never picked me up under your radar

As I tired of this game and my lucent forms gradually simmered to a conserved niche

.

Yes; though my recalescent rays have never succeeded to pierce your distant, algid core

I’ll still keep on burning, I’ll keep conflagrating ardently with the splendour of a million suns

Though the unborn future will surely come where I’m surpassed by a star brighter more

Fait accompli, there’ll always be a resonating echo in space when I was the most candescent one.

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The Girl Who Dreams of Sun

She’s the smoke
She’s dancin’ fancy pirouettes
Swan diving off of the deep end
Of my tragic cigarette
She’s steam
Laughing on the windowpanes
The never-ending swaying haze
Oh, that ever smiling maze

~*~

I lost the light

Under my pillow

Where I hide candy

And all my sorrows

I believed that wishes

Will find their way home

Despite the planets

And these broken bones

Just kiss my reveries

Paint me another song

And if field flowers bend

I shall dance along

My peach butterfly skirt

Waves for the wind

Calm necklace of carnation

Grazes my tender skin

So fly with me, my angel

Don’t wake me now

I’m talking in my sleep

Silk curtains flutter as I bow

Innocence and foxes

Waltzing under a moon

Where shadows don’t exist

And stars nurture noon

The dreams I stole for you

In nights of silver sky

Infinity takes slow breaths

And we shall never die

I lost my light again

Under my soft pillow

But I’m too tired from dreaming

I’ll look for it tomorrow.

~*~

And oh, how the piano knows
The piano knows something
I don’t know…

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the taint

don’t let me be the martyr

who shall break your skin

to be the glimmering teeth

baptising you your first sin

.

don’t let me be responsible

staining the gabardine silk

sully not such chaste ivory

this is not sheer selfish will

.

i do give a damn about you

hell, don’t you fucking see?

and i’m just trying my best

so you don’t end up like me.

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fallacy

i have been

looking the

wrong way

my eyes are

spinning as

my legs fray

i have been

searching a

wrong place

if i was just

infallible, it

would be a

m.i.s.t.a.k.e.

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tossing & turning

every bone

within my body

screams tired

it’s barely

before midnight

but i’m ready

to be taken

into the throes

of sweet oblivion

and sleep

but insomnia

keeps pulling me

back into the

inevitable cycle

that i end up

falling for

every single night

polar opposites

like a magnet

rending me apart

to shreds inside

until i bleed

i don’t know

what i should do

i’m too frustrated

i’m so confused

and i’m just fucking tired

and sick of this

internal tug of war

—[depression     versus     anxiety]—

battling inside

my system

but in the end,

they both always win

and i fucking l o s e.

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