I hate seeing red.
It’s a torturously slow and succinct boil, the unpleasant sensation creeping up my spine. It never extravagantly drags me away in a spontaneous giant tidal wave; instead, it simply latches its needlelike claws underneath my heart like a phantom itch and allows the suppressed pressure to build up, lead me on, and choke me down. Bit by bit by bit.
Not too much. But just enough.
Until enough is enough.
And when my temples are visibly throbbing, my teeth start to gnash and grind against my own accord, and my bloated veins feel like they’re about to erupt, well, that’s when my frail inhibitions completely give way beneath my feet and I find myself submerged under scalding anger; haplessly clamouring against the troubled dilemma in my warring brain and desperately seeking to bruise some bodies and open some scars without a second thought. No holds barred.
Please. Just this once.
Maybe for a moment, I want to hurt people. Maybe for a moment, I want to shatter my own knuckles just for that temporary thrill, just before the imminent pain sets in and I end up wildly writhing on the floor with regret, with guilt, with disbelief. And maybe I want to do it all over again and draw more blood and break a few more bones and lose a lot more brain cells until my concussed head finally grows completely numb to empathy. It’s not that I do it because I necessarily enjoy and bask in the feeling of pain—giving or receiving per se—like some psychopathic, sadistic cunt or whatnot, but somehow it just gives me something to do. It viciously takes my mind off everything else. It’s a fucked-up distraction with the worst possible kind of pyrrhic payoff.
I don’t really seem like the violent type. And I never fully am, honestly. Thank the stars, I still have my ever-prevailing anxiety and whatever’s left of my logical rationality and self-preservation to keep me from going mad postal and terrorising anyone who ever so much as slightly crosses me—from irksome strangers who breathed in my general direction, to the very ones that I love. I’ve never really physically fought anyone, I reckon. Not outside of the usual sibling experience and playful friendship bickering, that is. Even if I’m highly tempted to do so many times over already. But for what it’s worth, I do always seem to find myself interlocked in some manipulative form of mind games when the going gets tough with many people I closely encounter, clashing horns and goring down the other’s sanity until the dust clears and only remnants of cold flesh and unfulfilled promises are left on the ground. But one overdramatic mental hangup at a time, so I suppose that’s a story for another day.
Anyway, missing track record for multiple counts of battery and assault or not, I still feel like I’m a foolhardy danger all the same. And yeah, fuck it, whatever, I know that sounds cringey and like I’m trying to come across as “edgy” and “badass”, but the unfortunate truth of the matter is that this impatience and obstinately short temper is an absolutely shitty thing to have and by god, does it have the eager penchant to make me feel like I’m such a terrible person. Hell, I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to hurt and be hurt just because I can’t man up enough to control my wild impulses. We certainly don’t need any more overaggressive dickheads to further ruin life for us, and I don’t want to add to that problem any more than I already have.
There are the rarest times where I stupidly let my guard down and start to somehow think that hey, I’m not quite all that bad and that I might be alright, but then some crazy shit like this goes down and gets way out hand and it mockingly reminds me of all my pathetic issues and just how truly messed beyond repair I am, and why I should try to stay away from people and keep to myself instead.
I don’t know. Maybe I was really built to end up alone for a good reason. And if that’s the case, then no hard feelings because I suppose it’s all for the best. I just hope that soon, this stubborn red will be drying off to a duller brown so I could finally wash it off my aching hands.