Tag Archives: anxiety

carried away

will this ever get better?

will the pounding beneath

my cold wrists ever cease,

only to be replaced by the

subtle tickling of lavender

waking up something within

my nightmares, something

i’d never thought i’ll ever miss?

will you be there to take me away

or will i just take you as you are

and hold on still until the briers

clear to invigorated reveries and

you start smiling in a different way?

.

will these questions follow up?

twisting like redwood branches

around my throat, between my

feet, autumn draws near and i

fear i may clip out and fall down

like the leaves children step on

like the collapsing bridges i burned

while i’m on the brink of crossing it

will you tell these thoughts to stop?

my tongue is bitter dirt and i only

wish to bury myself before there’s

nothing left but a lone goodbye,

hanging in the air and setting me free.

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what’s it like?

what’s it like

to be liked?

to be a face

that someone

else adores

with quirks and

smiles kept in

a doting score?

.

to be the start

and the end

of someone’s

best dreams?

to be the lost

afterthought

in their head

still lingering?

.

what’s it like

to be liked?

to be anyone in

a person’s eyes?

to know that you

can mean a thing

so what’s it like

to not be me?

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vertigine

i feel feverish

disoriented

like the world’s

about to give way

underneath me

and there’s nothing

else i could do

but lie on my bed

and just wait for it to

finally happen.

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impulse, and devoid (t/w)

I’m coughing up my time
Each drag’s a drop of blood
A grain, a minute of my life
It’s all I’ve got just to stay down
Why the fuck am I still down?

~*~

slit slit slit slit slit slit

how many this time?

metal is far too small

not enough to hit bone

grab a pair of scissors

and cut away all of the

excess weight—maybe

would they like me now?

gaping at naked vultures

repulsed but fascinated

no, i don’t want to be this

i want to be just like them

.

slit slit slit slit slit slit

a little bit of fluid goes

a long way, maybe this

time i could count it out

everything counts, but all i

have is a bunch of ugly cells

with no ounce of self-control

fucking dragging me down

i’m exhausted, hungry, numb

huh, i really do wonder why

metal’s slowly getting dulled out

maybe this time it would work

~*~

I’m hoarding all that’s mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I’m wasting what is mine
Goodbye to you, goodbye to you
You’re taking up my time…

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Smother

Roam the vestibules

And find a safe space

To lose your affinity

Cast off the tight haze

.

Reminders of grim past

Of that person you were

Crushed in agony’s hold

But so blissfully unaware

.

There’s far too many traitors

In a world ever-unmending

There’s no need for you to be

Another parasitic festering

.

So just lose the tinted glasses

You won’t need them to see

And simply keep your distance

As all things should really be.

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deconstruction

mistakes,

i am built of

pencil shavings

lingering with

backaches

bitter sugar

a life-changing

flick of the wrist

stuttered change

homeless thoughts

gloomy showers

drenched in loneliness

small conversations

smaller smiles

overthinking

and undermining

deaf solfeges and

melodic dissonance

coalescing into

lucid obsessions

for somebody who

doesn’t exist

desperate need

pretty in pale purple

cruel in wrong red

damaged boy

starving for salt

like a suicide slave

hunger-crushed

ribs, leather scars

underlining the

scribbled prose

inkstains bleeding

nonsense, rambling

anxiety, trembling

neverending lies

nothing more

everything less

plain as paper grey

human unbeing

still unbecoming

j u s t . a . n o b o d y

is somebody…there?

bad and better

not so clever

tired of counting

can’t fall asleep

it’s been months now

centuries of waiting

yet still dying just

to find out

something, else

anything, right—

nothing’s right;

i am built of

mistakes

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(p.s., i think it’s spelled with a c, not a z)

caffeine resurgence

i’ve chewed my lips

.

half to death, and yet

nervousness twists

.

gordian knots down

the line in my body

.

where the blood and

bad ideas connect

.

rushing all the way to

my head, making me

.

feel dizzy, half crazy

extricated motions

.

my consciousness

craves bitter humour

.

barking laughter, but

i’m far from happy

.

just another white lie

of another blurred face

.

you’re making it kind

of awkward to think

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find a way out

and i am ready to lose

so much more than myself

dissociation doesn’t last

thinking takes in bad health

nauseated from existing

mantras of “it doesn’t matter”

another jaded insomniac

tired from drifting underwater

so then tell me i’m wrong

say that life’s just far too pretty

to waste on feeling nothing

it won’t make me any less empty

too weak to keep breathing

but still too spineless to ever die

please grant me the courage

to believe i could end this, if i try.

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outcast

my friends

want a stranger

to take the

place of my skin

but i don’t

blame them, it’s

easier to be

someone else

.

the distance

saves them from

myself, i’m glad

they don’t call

so they won’t have

to hear the anxiety

seeping in as i

say it’s no trouble

.

i step back and

watch them thrive,

i watch their smiles

grow genuine

as mine wears down

and fades away,

relapsing back

to empty nothings

.

this was never

meant to last, and

the candlelight’s

meant to flicker

and moths shouldn’t

dance with butterflies

my greys will sedate

their pretty colours

.

so i’ll clip my own

wings and take

the risk, i’ll fall out

of their lives

forget the days

when i still meant

a thing, they will

soon forget the past

.

my friends

want a stranger

to take the

place of my skin

but i don’t really

blame them, i know

i’d also rather be

someone else.

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wish

what i’d

give for

my brain

to just be

fucking

n o r m a l

for one day.

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