Tag Archives: anxiety

Doubt Is Failure By Design

We’re born to fuck everything up, I guess.

No one asked for this. I’m like a festering scar on the dysfunctional mind of a starving shark who mercilessly shoved me overboard, and my flailing limbs are weighed down with rocks and paralysed with guilt, with shameful culpability, with the handed-down heirloom of a cursed name—a mere letter and punctuation away from completely unpronounceable—come now, black sheep, where’s your fucking wool?

Absolutely deplorable. Every success-story sycophant resolutely cringes away as if touched by the devil’s acid itself, their gold-plated stomachs turning at the mere mention of us, rolling diamond eyes watering viciously at the sight of our squalid hands reaching out to extinct stars and begging for a shred of respite, if any at all, overfed jesters laughing like relentless hyenas at the classic repertoire of victimised beggars choosing to be losers. No change. No mercy. Miserable. We asked for it, didn’t we?

I take a single step into the path I meticulously measured before finally deeming to be correct, and end up breaking somebody’s weak spine instead; clumsy foot easily slicing through vertebrae like a sharpened sword through snowfall. Another mistake. Another cautionary tale. I hear my dead ancestors wail a steady plangent caterwaul, as they eternally scream and admonish me from beyond the depths of inferno and then perhaps some—from where I shall soon be sharing their fate as I join in with their ever-familiar sickly cries. Another generation. Another bad blood. It’s almost comforting, now.

Oh, well. We fucking saw it coming and let it happen anyway, didn’t we?

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Filed under Prose

colic

you are like

a bloom of cancer

in the pits of my

empty stomach

wide awake and half

meant for graves

and ingratitude

scarlet vindication

a twist of white lies

telling me everything is

alright, when i’ve got

one foot in your mouth

another decapitated

by the knife down

my back, nonetheless

but i’m coughing out

my veins anyway,

you reason—sad to

say that i see your point

and pray to it like it’s

my fucking gospel

like i’ll truly be saved by

your invisible god

because that’s all you

ever want me to do

you make me love feeling

like i’m far too weak

so i hope you’ll do me

one last favour and pull the

plug on me, just before

they find the miracle cure.

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Filed under Poetry

killing time

the afternoon splits

into several interludes—

a sip of watery coffee,

sudden mouthful of ice

staring at the graphite

face that no longer looks

like any human being

fidgeting; toss a chewed-up

toy past a protesting flick

of an orange striped tail

switching out playlists

genre adventuring before

a sudden flood of migraine

abruptly halts that journey

crushed biscuit crumbs

and the odd pungent smell

of ketchup that refuses to

air out and leave, somehow

pangs of anxieties caught

in between unfilled cavities

good enough? bad enough?

pretending to be properly

productive, as if there’s no

complaints nor conversation

and just radio silence from the

other end of a blinking mobile

as everyone else is busy with

living, and i’m still fazing frozen

in another dead-end afternoon.

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Filed under Poetry

sceptic

this doubt

will outlive me

and will be

the death of me

all the same.

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Filed under Poetry

food for thought

my stomach’s

a cracked vase

you’re filling up

with casket nails

.

i plead that i’m

already full but

you pretend to

not be fooled

.

my mouth fills

up with blood

but at least i will

not be thirsty

.

i’m getting used

to the taste of ink

and the aftertaste

of coppertone rusty

.

my stomach’s

a cracked vase

and the flowers

have long died

.

but if you’re still

curious, then go

ahead and check

whatever’s left inside.

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Filed under Poetry

so what was it that you were hoping for?

just an instantaneous reprieve

i still piss myself off with the thought

that it wouldn’t matter if i worry

you’re just a pretty name on paper

and my stuttering pen refuses to bleed

so my head does all the purging

again and again and i want it to be fine

even if i’m inconsequentially yours

because you’ll never find me out

i’m too shaded but i can’t cool it off

blindsided by your automatic ideas so

i guess i’ll apologise under my breath

every night, just before you save my

nightmares and leave the brake in

your clutch, ripped off like the breaks

in my heaving ribs, mouthing sorry

over and over and i’m not over it

i’ll never be fucking over it anyway

is that all you want? don’t even bother

i’m just the mirror you’re pointing at

and i’m just mimicking your baby eyes

it’s exhausting to let it glint all day

but who will care? you’re the best that

it gets, and i’m half as worse as i will get

and we’re all just a bunch of broken bodies

seemingly set for headfirst collision but

only narrowly missing by a sinew in the end

well i shouldn’t really get my hopes up

you’re far too clever for my cry for help

and my delusions can only cash in so much

before you’re changing your mind again

and i think for a second, maybe, oh

just fucking maybe—falling prey again

to your last instantaneous reprieve

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Filed under Poetry

treachery, and then some

i’m the disconnect

the reset in the corner

of a lacerated brain

a troublemaker with a

causeless cause, if

only to destroy, if only

to wreck and rectify

if only to be the liability

that leaves beggars

and bastards cursing in

the end, cursive cry

hide myself with gaslight

to burn another home

and thrill all the stars with

these glinting claws

and fever dreams, allowing

me to pluck them out

and crush the last remains

beneath my own sins

so disconnect me—before

i scream once again

before their clocks retreat

after i’ve caused the

shame which left my own

bruised head in ruins.

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Filed under Poetry

Sick Sickly

I go through all the trouble
Of keeping it within my walls
I try to be as subtle as I can
Assume that nothing needs me
All I’ve done defeats me
It looks like you were right again
And again, I let you find it on your own
Then I found myself alone…

~*~

I feel kind of sad today

It’s the type of sad where

I somehow feel physically sick

Of everything and nothing

Of myself and everyone

Of whatevers and howevers

All at once and all I just wanna do

Is curl up until the hurt starts

To wane away—if it ever

Wanes away—and yet I don’t

Even know why I’m so sad

I don’t know why I feel wrong

I don’t know why I’m complaining

When I have scars to remind me

That this is what’s supposed

To be a normal feeling for me

And it shouldn’t come as a

Surprise that I still missed this

I miss feeling like shit, feeling

Like I’ll always miss you, feeling

Like there’s really nothing left

But this miserable stasis I

Locked myself into, and it will

Always be that way, no matter

What I do and how much I try to

Distract myself because it’s

Always going to be what’s left

For me in the end. Just me and

This fucking sickness, the type of

Sad that feels so unreasonable

The type of sad that sticks in my mouth

The type of sad that makes me

Feel okay that it will never be okay

And I should just learn to live with that.

~*~

The more I want in, the more I want in
The less I know, the less I know
But I’m forgotten, I’m forgotten
I’ll be alone, I’ll be alone, I’ll be alone
With everybody watching me
Uh oh, where can I go?
Everybody’s watching me…

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Filed under Poetry

primum non nocere

please let

the devil in

his horns

have already

punctured

what’s left of

your lungs

do no harm

fractured faith

suffocate the

scapular in

your hands

and whisper

bled words not

even god can

ever begin to

understand

as he knocks at

your door, a

steady rhythm

pounding like

the cascade

of panic in

your heartbeat,

screaming

and imploring

let me in

let me in

let me in

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Filed under Poetry

carried away

will this ever get better?

will the pounding beneath

my cold wrists ever cease,

only to be replaced by the

subtle tickling of lavender

waking up something within

my nightmares, something

i’d never thought i’ll ever miss?

will you be there to take me away

or will i just take you as you are

and hold on still until the briers

clear to invigorated reveries and

you start smiling in a different way?

.

will these questions follow up?

twisting like redwood branches

around my throat, between my

feet, autumn draws near and i

fear i may clip out and fall down

like the leaves children step on

like the collapsing bridges i burned

while i’m on the brink of crossing it

will you tell these thoughts to stop?

my tongue is bitter dirt and i only

wish to bury myself before there’s

nothing left but a lone goodbye,

hanging in the air and setting me free.

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Filed under Poetry