Tag Archives: bipolar

day & night

sometimes,

in the morning

when the sunshine

hits my eyes,

it’s so bright that

it reaches beyond the

very depths of me

and leaves some light

for me to enjoy—

.

but then evening comes,

and the shadows

blind my eyes,

and it’s so dark that

it takes me back into the

very depths of me

and makes me forget

what colours look like…

and i’m not okay again.

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Happy April Fool’s Day

I thought I knew you, now you can’t save your name
(We won’t follow the deceiver)
Don’t try to silence my words with your lies
(We won’t follow the deceiver)
This is what I expected, another life lesson is what I’m left with
Look at what you’ve started
A war of words is what we’ll part with…

~*~

I’m not in the right kind of headspace right now.

My moods are just so fucking erratic and insanely volatile that it severely frustrates me and everyone else around me that’s unfortunate enough to fall victim to my inconsiderable foulness. One moment I’m joking around with people and simply hanging around in a chill demeanour, but then someone says something petty and irrelevant that somehow gets me all worked up and then the next thing I know, I’m screaming profanities at everyone and hurting myself again for the stupidest of reasons.

I hate this, I really do. I know I’m being idiotic, and to barely any reason that’s excusable to logic, but I can’t fucking help it.

A weighted feeling is building up inside me, and it’s leaving my soul hanging itself in a teeth-gritting suspense. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like something’s changed. Something so trivial and succinct, and yet it’s shaken up my perceptions and right now, it’s screwing up my entire mentality. And I can’t even figure out what it is. I’m two days away from graduating and the results of the only college exam I took are going to be released (or maybe already is), and I’m not holding out on too much hope, so maybe it’s that. The pressure of everything, the burden of the future and the flickering candle that it holds out for me. The feeling that I should blow out the flame myself before the wind does it for me. So close to the next page, and yet I’m giving up and burning it all away.

It’s foolish, isn’t it? Acting out like this at such a crucial point in my life. My problems don’t amount to anything, so why should I keep on bitching about it? And why am I letting it get to my head? Who gives a shit, anyway? What the hell is wrong with me?

Why the fuck am I falling apart?

Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. Maybe this is my boiling point, and my head’s just about overflowing right now. Six or so years of repressing and ignoring the alarming emotions that have attacked me ought to do a fair amount of damage, after all. I just constantly feel weird and unsettled and anxious and empty most of the time, and the main distractions I have to keep me at bay aren’t even working. The endless dreaming that I contradict with my own uncertainties, the ambitions that five seconds ago I’m so sure I could reach but now I don’t think I’ll ever handle to reach for, the people around me that make me feel like shit, either intentionally or unintentionally, the self-hatred that’s so poisonous that it’s making me cave in on myself, everything’s too much. And I don’t know how to expel it from me, how to do catharsis that doesn’t involve me tearing myself to shreds, I don’t how to deal with everything anymore. I’m even considering seeing a therapist or whatever, even though it’s opposed to everything I stand for as a self-built, self-destructive, selfish person, as if I even have the capacity to do that, because I’m really going bad. And once I’m way past my expiry date, there’s no going back.

It’s always been this way, me against the world against me, and I’m a stickler for the familiar and don’t like changing things if they ain’t broke, but how could you do that if everything was already broken in the first place? I just don’t want to punish myself anymore. I’m tired and wrung out of my mind and my insecurities and venomous emotions are relentless and eating me inside out like starving, virulent parasites. I need actual help. I really, really, really need some actual help. Because it keeps getting worse, worse than ever—which after a couple of offing attempts I was a hundred percent sure wasn’t even possible anymore—and I don’t know what I might do to myself if I become insensibly irrational enough and more daring in my fool’s exploits to try to get rid of whatever the hell this unknown horrible feeling is. Who knows how far I’ll go.

And I’m fucking scared. I really am.

~*~

So don’t act like you don’t know
Exactly what you really are
The truth will find us both in the end, in the end
The difference being that it will
Show me blameless while it robs you of your breath
Your deceiving is worthy of receiving an end…

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¿ e m o t i o n s ?

i’m happy

like a ukulele tune

twinkly revelry

all the way to the moon

.

i’m depressed

like a relentless failure

finishing touches

of doubts and unsure

.

i’m excited

like a coffee adrenaline

over the clouds

and no artistry for serene

.

i’m anxious

like a falling red hole

no end seen

nor the starlight it stole

.

i’m this and that

i’m both and none

i’m blues and golds

i’m night and sun

.

i don’t know what

to think and feel

i’m still confused

on dream and real

.

so drag me higher

and fly me down

until i figure out

if i’ll smile or frown.

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at the edge of my seat (but i can’t fall off)

Curtains close, take a bow
I think we fooled all of them now
Who you are, what you say
What you do each and every single day
I’ve made my bed, so I’ll lie in it
I’ve dug my grave, so God help me die in it…

~*~

i don’t feel right at all

it’s as if i have a hangnail

at the sides of my heart

and i want to excavate

my chest and pull it out

even if that would make it

worse and bleed me out

but i just fucking can’t

.

it’s like a thousand eyes

digging holes in my flesh

dictating what i should feel

soft glances then angry glares

sweet skies then dark rains

never constant, always blinking

fluctuating under oscillating

up and down and up and down

.

it’s like a quicksilver potion

by a bastardous mad scientist

injected within my system

mercurial and temperamental

turning me in a million shades

of colours unknown to the mind

until i’m unconscious, oblivious

to my own grotesque sentience

.

no, i don’t feel right at all

and it’s like i want to detonate

from all the myriad conflictions

and the infinite contradictions

shattering, breaking, annihilating

i just want to be alright for once

i just want to feel nothing at all

but i can’t…no, i fucking can’t.

~*~

Just like the living dead, I’ve got a taste for something
And I don’t want it, I just need it
And I can’t believe that it’s getting harder just to feel alive
It’s getting harder just to feel alive…

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The Difference Between Ant And Apocalypse

the difference is infinitesimal

as a stray feather tasting the wind

or a dandelion seed drifting into my bed

something’s wrong

.

but the effects are magnanimous

as an earthquake that kills an entire continent

or a comet that pierces the atmosphere

something’s wrong

.

i hear it screaming in my ears

as everyone walks on apathetic, unaware

of the apocalypse that’s occurring

under my skin, threatening to destroy

every part of me until i collapse on myself

something’s wrong

.

i ’ m  w r o n g .

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letters to s.d.: fragment #3 {selfish}

why can’t i fucking keep [REDACTED] from [REDACTED] the world?

.

please save me

when i don’t wanna

be saved, ‘cause

i just can’t be saved

i’m too damn weak

i’m too fucking tired

i’m just wasted away

i’ve spent nights

screaming at the top

of the balcony

until my lungs beg me

to calm the hell down

you told me not to do it

but temptation crushed

me in its serpentine hold

and why do you care?!

i’m not worth your time

i’m not worth any of

your vocal paintings

in lacquer and grey

i know you’ll never

write songs for me

when i am hurting

or when i am lonely

or when i’m miserable

and hell, all three

effects simultaneously

and i know you

won’t stop singing

even when i’m gone

your serenades are never

mine to hide to myself

as a decadent secret

i’m just not, you’re just not.

but why?

why do you keep the

rusty razors from dancing

on my leather heart?

why do you make me

vain to feel every pain

when i loathe emotions

and it hurts even more?

why do you keep me

awake all night, like a

paranoiac insomniac, but keep

me alive all damn day?

why do you make me

believe you wholeheartedly

when you softly say

“darling, you’ll be okay”?

why do you make me

laugh as i start to cry

and cry as i start to laugh?

why? why? why?

why do you even try?

why do i even lie?

why is it always you?

why do you keep me from fucking dying?

and why don’t i fucking care?

.

why [REDACTED] listening [REDACTED] shit?

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A Borderline’s Chants

Whose raindrops are

Falling on my cheeks

When I’m indoors now?

Not mine, no not mine

.

Whose saline tears are

Dripping down from my

Eyes, when mine are dry?

I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine

.

Whose rubious liquid is

Staining the pillowcase

When sunset triumphs?

Play nice, nice, nice, nice

.

Whose aqua vitae ebbs

Away from life and onto

The affinity of the scars?

Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

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Lost In Translation

I changed your mind
And ended up here
Through stained glass eyes
And colourful tears…

~*~

Charlotte, your smile is the cure to this world’s corrupted poison

Playacting a fun circus funambulist on the taut wire of the horizon

Watching bystanders afar mistake your firestorm hair for the sun

Coalescing tangerine bleeding in the sunset as you giggle and run

Verdigris eyes like gemstones strung in trinkets of shooting stars

In flora, fauna, radiation, biohazards, you’re the life birthed in a war

.

Charlotte, solemnly count the myriad of scintillating jaded stars

Drop another missing wish in your drained aromatic perfume jar

Hazy reverie of the dusk falling fast like the lustrous tears you cry

Days twirling by rapidly like the icy sapphire pinwheels in your eyes

Ballgown of crystalline chandeliers piercing your blanched pale skin

Hair as fuliginous as deepest midnight, yet not darker than your sins

.

Charlotte, are you madly sickened by humanity’s posthumous maladies?

Fatigued of transgressions decimated, tired of your evanescing affinities

Wandering barefooted, castaway within an endless forest of barbed wires

Incarnadine-shaded shadows and lethality spreading quickly like wildfires

Blur of scathing thorns and roses, blades and blood, tantrums and taigas

Lead argentine in pupils, a milky film, akin to the scarcely-refulgent Luna

Chagrined howls resonating, pained tribulations bouncing off to nowhere

Bristling umber fur in wary alarm, not a single person would tread or dare

.

Charlotte, is your cold heart simply too debilitated to even continue to beat?

In the fahrenheit of your tepid body no longer producing warmth and heat?

The breeze grooms your cobweb hair, periwinkle glances, sharp lightning

Gothic lolita skirt hiked around your sepulchral waist, frigid tranquillising

But those polychromatic butterfly wings will not be able to soar for long

And crumble to motheaten ashes as rain pours, petrichor your death song

.

Charlotte, this newly-borne world is still quite juvenile, a universe fresh and young

So don’t waste your cavalier youth pausing, counting the fine rays of the glaring sun

Don’t rake the precipitating autumn leaves, lest you dance in the hurricane of burgundy

Fragile fallen foliage coloured like your amber eyes, that encase a frozen-over galaxy

Charlotte, your world’s revolving frenetically, like an uncontrollable carnival carousel

Reds and blues and horses and carriages, locked in a vertigo of a dizzying identity spell

Your lemonade locks billowing by the sea air, spinning deliriously until you feel unwell

Do you still even know who you are anymore Charlotte, or is my beloved angel hopelessly lost in hell?

~*~

Fine, maybe I’ll pretend right now
But I swear to god
I’m gonna change the world
And I promise you
Someday we’ll tell ourselves
Oh my god this is paradise…

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Familiar Nescience

You know I’m not alright
This is where I draw the line
I tried to run, I tried to hide
But I’m still badly broken…

~*~

Don’t look at me

I’m a ghastly sight

Shattered snowglobe

I want to take plight

With drivelling minds

And chest twinges

With pens and skins

And faux pas fringes

Sewing cute smiles

Onto my crying wrists

But all fancies aside

Ignorance is bliss

Scissors my friends

My only company

Against this planet

Quite rudimentary

Within tidal waves

Of suffocating crowds

I’m already capsizing

But I think I’ll drown

Ushering creatures

Under shag carpets

Tearing wallpapers

A tornado playset

Chasing, counting

Fireflies and zeroes

Waiting, wrecking

Little hearts and heroes

You call me epithets

Where’s the lie? Where?

Two cups of chemicals

How? How’d I live there?

I’m a blubbering mess

My insides all churned

I’d love to convalesce

But also to never return

I feel like a spectral beast

Abhorred, spited, feared

I reckon monsters like me

Should simply disappear.

~*~

You know you swept me off my feet
And now I’m stuck beneath
The bridge you burned on top of me
And I’m so badly broken…

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Both Sides of Polarity

Why won’t I try

To kiss the rain

I jump so high

To taste the pain

.

I love to rage

Against the current

Towed tides with age

Sand so abhorrent

.

I’m snow, I’m warmth

I’m dunes and hail

I’m love and harm

I’m burnt so pale

.

Make me happy

I don’t really know

Change melancholy

Erratic rage it grows

.

I’m down when I’m up

And up when I’m under

Change chemicals a lot

Emotions unstable like weather.

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