whenever i am
i seem to find
that you are
both the cause
and the cure.
whenever i am
i seem to find
that you are
both the cause
and the cure.
What are they saying, I’m not raw?
What the fuck you take me for?
All the sudden you hear what
I’ve said a hundred ways before?
I been pushed, I been trapped
Drug myself through hell and back…
The euphony and the madness
Calling out to the sane and the sadness
Conjuring up emotions I forgot I had
And when I have it, I have it bad
I don’t want to be down at all
But I don’t think can’t hear you now
As it doesn’t take much to drag me under
I want to be far away from forever
I just can’t figure it out, figure it out
I’m counting on things added by a zero
Pretending there’s a cause to be had
Pretending like I’ll be the next fucking hero
Because here I was, thinking I’m okay
But when the worst gets bad, I don’t want to stay
Here I am still hoping not to run out of space
But the chase got me tripping all in the wrong place
I’ll compose myself when time stops again
Black out all the memories with bitter novocaine
I’ll try to stay sober as I numb out the relapse
Keep the light off my eyes until this overthinking stops.
Sometimes, sometimes you don’t say goodbye once
You say goodbye over and over and over again
Over and over and over again…
You wanna move mountains? Go ahead
I think I’ll suffocate instead
A change of scenery won’t tame
The endless earthquakes in my head
They’re all in my head, so I’ll suffer through
A means to an end, it’s all I can do…
i’m not the one at fault
but i’m the only cause you see
so i have to take the effect
what do you want me to do?
i’ve cut myself up until
both my mind and veins are drained
but not of all the guilt that i carry
and still, would it be enough?
would it be enough for you?
i’m just so tired of waiting
until i stop being such a fucking liability
and i start being your healthy host
that you parasites can ravage
just so i could atone for what i did
or at least just so you would see it that way
because what else is there?
saying “i’m sorry” when i don’t mean it?
that wouldn’t be enough for you, would it?
but then again, it’s my fault
for being way too fucking optimistic
i don’t accept good and bad luck
and that this time i struck out
no, it’s all about positives and negatives
call it a karmic irony, if you may
find a way to be a little happy for once
and life drags you down through 7 layers of hell
tell me, loved ones, was i never enough?
and i couldn’t even write about it
because you’d call me selfish and shallow
that i have no right to be depressed
because i’m living the “good life”
and that i see only myself in all this
well, of course i fucking do
i need to place myself somewhere
otherwise i wouldn’t see the bigger picture
but don’t you see, loved ones?
will you never see that i’ve had enough?
There’s nothing like a trail of blood
To find your way back home
And nothing feels as cold inside as heaven down below
I’ve been lost and never found, afraid
To speak my truth out loud
With empty hands I came into this world
And I’ll leave just the same…
Blood smeared on the walls
Like the smiles on your two faces
Taunting a mechanical reaction
Of storms and clever rhetorics
That died of natural causes
But the truth is far from you
This miserable incineration
Of my outer demons breaking
Leaving the scar issues making
News all over my gossipy skin
And my migraine’s headlining
Medications inventing versions
Of the story no one wants to tell
Stigmata leaving sensible stigmas
Bitter bidding angels wish you hell
Blood smeared all over the walls
Like the frowns on your two faces
Making a cruel definition agreed
Of cyclones and asinine comebacks
That revived the primal nature in me.
Death, you cannot take me, you’ve tried and failed before
With everything so deafening, each breath worth fighting for
I refuse to be your casualty ’cause pain has its reward
No longer trapped in agony, you cannot take me, I survive the storm…
Have you ever had enough of it?
Straight over it, sick of it, can’t get a hold of it?
Like a drug I need another fix
I’m a moth to a flame and I’ll burn for the hell of it
Battle scar ’cause I lost the fight
Every time I take a breath it’s like I’m losing my life
Fuck it, why am I so dysfunctional?
So irrational? I don’t know what to do…
The medicine you said you only injected under pressure
Crashing the fluids in your spine, worse than acupuncture
Don’t expect me to stay for another panache dosage round
I’ll down another shot of NyQuil to sleep safe and sound
Madness is the disease you declared was the supreme cure
Sane is just an inadequate substitute for the epiphanies pure
But if that’s the case, then why did you have to lock me up
In the asylum you once revered, and my system left to rot?
Will they forget the failed experiment that is my botched heart?
When your scientific curiosity deigned for its imminent restart
But the shocking electric currents seemed to pass the wrong way
Now my body’s shaking uncontrollably, and you pushed me away
But despite playing the doctor, you killed more than you healed
With each accident you’ve revived, more saline fluid was spilled
It’s okay, I know my nameless wounds would bleed out like death
And I’ll let you mark it in the coroner’s report, outline by the bullet
You conducted my autopsy, hoping to find and satisfy the missing answer
I would’ve told you myself, darling, if only you had asked me a little nicer
But when you finally satiate your desire to create and mitigate destruction
I’ll be there standing at the wreckage, all primed to pull the loaded weapon.
So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication…
Let’s get carried away, we can’t go back to yesterday
Call out the names that you used to know
Singing along in broken stereo
Crossfire that you can’t ignore
I know I’m not around much anymore…
Here, what was gained was a premeditated loss
Point fingers for blame but never find the cause
Heartwarming situations turned out to be coaxed
Just another fool’s trick, just another foolish trope
Because diluted explanations don’t seem to matter
And it’s condemnation to inquire, it’s better to sue
Because the blatant assumptions are held hostage
By a shotgun until the pastor proclaims them true
With what’s sincerity I thought there was to abate
Yet it was another fraud you meant to indoctrinate
Was it all fake, then? Was it just a sorry Wonderland
You’d climb to the rabbit hole and let go of my hand?
Though for a moment, there was something truly going
By a hairline fracture, by a sinew of flesh barely hanging
But I suppose you got tired holding on to something archaic
Pardon me for being worn-down, never being timely classic.
One last time for old time’s sake
One more bend before we break
One more time as if we planned it
We just wanna do some damage
So long, so nice to know you…