Tag Archives: chance

The Division

Let me count the ways you kill me;

1.) You carved promises at the notches of my brittle bones, mercilessly enthralling and hypnotising me under the anaesthetic assurance that everything was fine, that I was fine, and that I wouldn’t ever have to destroy myself again; but all the while, you crushed the very foundations beneath my suspended feet and made heaven shatter all around me like an ethereal motion sickness. And as if that wasn’t enough, you set everything on fire and watched this wretched phoenix turn to listless ashes, never to rise again; a demented conflagration.

2.) You promised me for better or for worse, but as I tried to find new names for the shade of red in my lips, you forgot about the obscene sickness that’s violently heaving inside my compromised chest and without so much as a twinge of second chances or point-blank hesitation, you injected every indistinct symptom known and unknown to man, turning my shaky breaths to crystalline lilacs and my selfish ribs to impure glass. I asked for a cure, and instead I received a despicable panacea, a myriad riot of plagues that irreparably devastated my system, ripping me to irreversible shreds. “You can’t get hurt if all you feel is hurt, right?”

3.) I’ve got hands like houses, and you rejected my severed hospitality as you broke down every locked door and deceptive boundary like it was nothing; like I was nothing. I constantly find myself lost in complicated syncopes, as I’m trapped spiraling and crawling back to the same self-sustaining cycles of parabolic grief and hypertensive schizophrenia, predicting premonitions that never came true. This eternal winter freezing over my bloodline is stitched together by a million blizzards and snowstorms conspiring exquisitely at once, but this difficult tantrum of a weather is not a tribulation to you, is it? Your cold temper is intolerable, a thousand suns melding together and detonating convulsively in the empty vacuum of space, and there’s no one else around to hear me scream one last time. I wanted to burn. You took it too far.

4.) Were you even sorry? Did you even feel a single taste of contrition when you watched my starving, pathetic soul grapple for life at the very nave of that decimated altar, asking for the silhouetted universe to fall on my back so that it wouldn’t be my fault, nor yours, that everything got screwed over? Did you see what I’ve done, just so I wouldn’t be what you’ve become? I couldn’t find my way back on the ground, so I swallowed my pride like pried coffin nails for the sake of a more poignant memory to remember; retribution heals what time cannot. Yet now I close my reckless eyes and softly coalesce in sadistic plumes of the miserable discourse you call an intravenous love, and I beg, and I beg. Were you even sorry at all?

5.) You are me, and I am you. I have no one. You are no one. When you lived, I died; and when you died, I along with you. I called it genocide. They called it desperation. For I am me, and you are you. There was no one else. They called it suicide. I call it salvation.

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Filed under Prose

Eighteen Years and Twenty-Somethings

Was picking up pieces when you
Gave me a reason to be
Falling down the middle
Crawling ’round a little
And I see that space in your head
And I want to fill it in…

~*~

I want to throw my irrational fears down my favourite set of stairs

And fade away the wounds that once defined my unsteady hands

I want the chance to breathe without polluting my lungs with ashen doubts

Drag me out of the skin I’ve beaten within until they can understand

.

So take the breakdowns that broke me up and replace the faulty intuition

The devil on my shoulder won’t compare to the angels in the television

Hang up on this week-long hangover and stop hanging my neck by the rafters

Still deluded by bad choices and old mementos and happy ever afters

.

The kids are not alright these days, and their clothes are stained with sad

But I didn’t think I know that I knew until I have it bleeding out and bent-up bad

So there’s a little cold weather, that’s gonna get a little better, maybe there’s a little sun

Maybe it just doesn’t exist in my head, maybe my moon will have someone

.

So maybe hope doesn’t belong to me just yet, and these noisy voices won’t shut up

Maybe I’m suffering from silent anxiety, shot through the ceiling, it won’t stop

But this time I won’t let it win, I’ll catch it by the tail and let myself spin

Spiraling all the way to space, I’ll crawl through constellations until I find that something.

~*~

I won’t lose my grip, don’t let go
No, I won’t lose my grip, don’t let go
I think I found that something
I think I’ll finally breathe right in
I think I feel that love I won’t give up
I think you soaked into my skin
So much has come from nothing…

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Filed under Poetry

The Girl With The White Bracelets

Oh, pretty girl, keep batting your eyes
‘Cause when you breathe you lie, lie
Oh, pretty girl, you better think twice
‘Cause second chances are rarer than I
How can we forget who we have become?
I’ll give it all up, please wake up
Every breath you take is a lie…

~*~

She asked for death, and who was I to refuse

She got sick of the radio and wanted the noose

She didn’t want another dance, just the last one

She sold all the bullets she had just to buy a gun

.

She was sick and she was tired of feeling pathetic

She didn’t like the smell of the hospital antiseptics

She was the class-act patient but she was no victim

She fixed her wounds but got worse off and broken

.

She screamed for mercy to taste all their cruelty

She was running away from all their emergency

She emerged from hell, to be thrown back again

She asked for demise at the tip of her bloody pen

.

She tried every method and every single execution

She went by the blades, gas, a wrongful transfusion

She beat her body in bruised painting of a night sky

She didn’t look for any help and nobody asked why

.

She was the girl that I still dream about in my head

She was the girl I wanted to save from this deep red

She was the girl begging for this chance, but instead

She’s the girl who is restrained and laying on my bed.

~*~

How did you ever see me broken?
Well, you forced me to find out everyday
Did you ever see me open?
Well, you forced me to find out everyday…

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The Bulls Are In Broadway

Some people have it and other people don’t
You’ve been making some threats, got my name and address
I’m breaking habits you don’t want to know
Though I’m wearing my clothes feeling cold and exposed, yeah
Don’t say you miss me, you probably don’t
Well, I’ve been crossing some lines that most folks won’t…

~*~

This is the academy of wasting second chances

And the maggots in my eyes are drying up my tears

My intuition knocked itself out on cheap champagne

As the discourse turned to an allegory dance severe

.

It’s a sociogenic alacrity, and my dress is on too tight

But I’m far too smitten by repertoire to call it a night

So remind me again, what’s my capacity for secrets?

Tell me with a gun to my head and I swear I’ll keep it

.

My lips are shivering from these hemlock-laced canapes

So admonish me for all my bad manners and mistakes

I’ll just downplay the lust for another fractured spine

The consequence for saving the best for the worst lines

.

Mismatched manipulation, but they will take it in anyway

Blink back the altercations and accusations that ricochet

With a sympathetic sigh overstepping the plague’s carnage

Like finest red wine, tragedy gets better when it’s aged

.

This transition was intransigent, an accolade for incoherence

Bent backs turned upon lacquered lies and marble-carved doors

You don’t get to die on me, not after my life has taken the perfect end

So won’t you let write the last chapter on my unresponsive monitor?

~*~

Oh, don’t say you’re more than this or above all this
With your blah blah blah and all your friends
Don’t say you think you know, when you know you don’t
Because tonight the Bulls are in Brooklyn and you’re still at home!

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Filed under Poetry

Be Something

Nobody thinks what I think, nobody dreams when they blink
Think things on the brink of blasphemy, I’m my own shrink
Think things are after me, my catastrophe at my kitchen sink
You don’t know what that means because a kitchen sink to you
Is not a kitchen sink to me, okay friend?

~*~

If I were to collapse

On myself and care

About the way I speak

And how I do my hair

Then I wouldn’t be here

Then I wouldn’t be dead

I’ll just be an old memory

At the back of my head

Yes, I want to grow up

But I want to do it my way

So I don’t need any handouts

Of so-and-so’s displays

And I’ll take the challenge

But with no instructions

Leave me to figure out

And trip again until i’m done

Because life is meaningless

All this shit doesn’t matter

So I’ll take my chances

And test the deeper waters

Then if I fail, well just be there

To say that “I told you so”

Even then, I wouldn’t care

Because this I know

At least I tried my very best

And I claimed my stakes

Instead of just simply regretting

That I never made mistakes.

~*~

Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You’ll see purpose start to surface…

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Filed under Poetry

built for blame

all you do

to my mistakes

is anoint

why don’t you

give me the

chance to actually

disappoint?

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Filed under Poetry

Would You Turn Me On?

You took what you wanted
You got it, you know it
I’m haunted by everything that you gave me
You made me, you broke me, you saved me
I’m crazy, but I’m not done…

~*~

It doesn’t make sense to breathe

When the air is dry and stuffy

Hit my head against the bed when

You said you will never give me

What I want is what you need

So I spend my days counting greed

Breaking my backbone just to fix

Your hurtful words in fragile sticks

So if I’m right, then just blame me

And if I’m wrong, turn to punishment

But if there’s another chance for you

To forgive, I won’t hold confident

Because it doesn’t make sense to leave

When I’ve got nowhere else to go freely

Hit the road when all you have said

Are promises you could never give me.

~*~

So when you gonna give it up?
You’re giving me such a rush…
Just another pretty face
But I want one more taste…

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A Fool That Stands For Nothing

What good is a life
When you live it ashamed?
I dream just to be halfway
But all I am is a product of
Wasted efforts and best intentions…

~*~

I should have let the rope hurt me

Before I let it fully embrace my breathing

I covered the hope with a black curtain

So I wouldn’t have to see disappointment again

What did I expect? That it would disappear?

That I have everything to gain and nothing to fear?

I fought against reason and wasted my life scared

Asking for every idle chance from a god that wasn’t there

Now they all smile sympathetically and say it’s okay

You weren’t the ones that failed, so how would you know?

Every inch of comfort is uncomfortable and sickening

And every movement from the side is insanely slow

I should have seen it coming, and damn it, I really thought I had

But my head is stubborn and twenty doses of stupid, and I wanted it bad

I act like I’m so clever and apathetic, when all I am is pathetic

I never wanted to let you down, but I did…I fucking did.

~*~

We do this while you start wondering
If disaster is what you’re built for
Will I slowly learn to accept
That I won’t have more than a life on the sidelines
Or will I always be dreaming
Of liking life from the darkness alone?

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Ready Steady

This will always be mine, so much more than just a dream to me
And I will never be fine, with letting you ruin everything
And I will never fucking follow your lead
Give up on you, so you can take it out on me
I’m sorry that you had to watch your life come tumbling down…

~*~

I’m running out of chances to say what I wanna say

I’ll offer myself another but sooner or later, I’ll have to face today

When the burden becomes blood and control turns into cost

And I forget who I am, what was mine and what was lost

.

Open a thousand windows and the doors close off again

They take it out on me, but I always needed the extra dose of pain

Cover it up and keep it down, and my accomplices abandon

Once the going gets tough, thinking I won’t be able to go on alone

.

But keep the cash bet to my name and grit your chipped teeth

I won’t throw away what I can take, I swear I won’t cheat

I won’t cry tears but I’ll spit gasoline just to put out the raging flames

Blame my headspace for the arson and run, it’s just all the same

.

I know the things I’ve said don’t mean much until I do a thing

You can arrest me for my crimes, but I’ve got a jailbreak primed and waiting

I’m running out of chances, but I never needed any in the first place

I never required them to listen, because any day now I’ll have to face my mistakes.

~*~

Now it’s my time and I’m ready to go
Here we go, we got one more chance to make it
Better not lose control
Before everyone forgets your name…

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Filed under Poetry

W h a t · I f · I · C a n ’ t · F o r g e t · Y o u ?

You won’t ruin the sunshine you left glowing on her fingers

They must think it’s dirty, but a work of art can’t be understood

With the pieces they left to light up what you thought you had

The necklace you still keep is just a memory, so careless and rude

If they begin to forget the audacious vivacity that you provide

Don’t wait for another phone call to ring in the middle of the night

The frustration in acrylic veins, alabaster failure they pursued

You gave second chances for the third time, but what if they don’t even want to?

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Filed under Poetry