Tag Archives: college

An End-of-the-Sem Rant (+some dumb art)

Happy start of June, everyone. And happy summer holidays (or the end of it, to some), as well. It’s been a while.

So. I made it home somehow. And to no one’s surprise, I have to drop out from college (whether temporarily or permanently, it’s still undecided) thanks to failing grades, so I guess I’ll be stuck here a while. I’m honestly just relieved to get this whole stressful weight out of my chest now, and mostly thankful that my entire family hasn’t totally disowned me and scissor-kicked my pathetic ass straight onto the kerb, leaving me to die alone, destitute, and homeless. But assuming the role of the classic family disappointment living in their parents’ basement aside, I still have to do something productive. Maybe find a crappy job to toil on for the rest of my useless life. Maybe go back to college after a bit of rest and then suffer extensively to the verge of suicide again. Maybe find some other calling or whatever the hell that means. People are lowkey pushing me to take DIA or some writing internship or shit like that, but I really don’t think my heart would be in it, and it would also just mean more unnecessary expenses that would be wasted, should I inevitably fuck up again. So now…I don’t know yet. I know for sure what I really want to do with myself, but just the details of that plan are so insanely fuzzy and the end goal is far from attainable. Ah, hell. C’est la vie. I could always just throw myself directly into oncoming highway traffic and either die or sue if nothing else works, save everyone the time and trouble.

In other less-depressing news, I’ve been focusing so much work and energy into drawing and arts—and the occasional ear training, scales/modes practice and music theory studies, which I admittedly have been kinda slacking on—that I never really realised until now that I haven’t quite paid attention to writing as much these days. Not that I’m worried about completely slipping out of the habit of it, though. I just find it a bit strange and disconcerting for my hands to not be itching for a pen and my journal all the time. Writing is always going to be the main core of my hobbies, since it’s the one that comes most naturally to me, but I gotta take a break every once in a while, y’know? After thousands upon thousands of various write-ups both finished and unfinished, maybe I’m just a teeny bit burnt-out—wow, who would’ve thunk? I’ll probably get back to it soon anyway, since I really have nothing else to do nowadays but lie in my dusty bed and get deep-fried by the severe goddamned heat wow global warming is real you guys

Anyway, here are a few trash illustrations and whatnot that I’ve worked on the past couple months. Might as well share it here, since they’re just sitting in my sketchbooks and rotting away miserably otherwise. As for a demo music-wise, well…I’ll see if I can gather up enough courage and motivation to record myself and actually put up stuff of that calibre. Nah, jk. I won’t subject whoever’s stumbling across my blog to my shitty voice and sappy lyric-writing and subpar instrument playing. This ain’t the time and place for that. Y’all just gonna have to wait for my full-length fire asf album to drop coming out 2069 eyyyy hahahaH end me please :)))

But that’s about as exciting as my life gets, really. And I have more fitful and unknown days way ahead of me. I mean for god’s sake, I’m barely a week into this holiday and my life’s already collapsed back into a deathless rot, and I’ve also got an ongoing migraine that’s festering worse than a twenty øne piløts song. Let’s see what kind of other mindless indulgence and flagrant existential crises this round of the year brings.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

Disoriented

Do I look lonely?
I see the shadows on my face
People have told me
I don’t look the same…

~*~

keep your nerves

at the back of nowhere

leaving tiny traces of

a formaldehyde smile

for everyone to dissect

like it’s the latest kind

of a wrongful death

you’re damned if you do

and a ghost if you don’t

haunting the minds of

puerile, fleeting crowds,

caught in a lightning storm

but never feeling the rain

so sink into it, sink into

everything and nothing all

at once, creeping slow,

wandering skin barely touching

papers strewn across lips

and simply keep your nerves

somewhere no one could

tangle them into knots.

~*~

I’m cutting my mind off
Feels like my heart is going to burst
Alone at a table for two
And I just want to be served…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Fill In The Blanks

Regrets infesting before the final choice is made

A look-back taken the wrong way, as resolution fades

Can’t catch a break when I’m running with fractured legs

So I sit in the sheer silence of my own fucking mess

I want to take back something that hasn’t even been done

Exchange clear rationality just for the sake of jumping the gun

When the count’s already over and the ticking clock has won

It leaves only myself wondering until I’m left with none.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

decisions

i won’t

think of it

too much

or hard

if there’s

no future

to be made

or had.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry