Tag Archives: concept

letters to s.d.: final fragment #8 {postscript}

Sent: June 28, 2017
Received: August 19, 2017

.

[REDACTED]c, p[REDACTED]re fucking for[REDACTED]le m[REDACTED]e.

.

i failed you.

i thought i could win

but i just let override me

i let it bite my skin

i let it numb and desensitise me

i can’t look you in the eye

as you tell me i’m at my best

but i look at your scars

and it feels like a stab in the chest

if you can, then i can too

but fuck, guess we’re both wrong

despite all my attempts

despite all your painless songs

save the time, as i’m falling

so goddamn stop me

but you can’t help anymore

it’s not like the way it used to be

this was…all for you

all for you alone, all this time

and aren’t i so selfless

to pay you with my crimes?

i remember that you always say

“darlin’, you’ll okay”

and i want so badly to believe

but i have a short breaking point

and this is all i can give

the choice is mine for the taking

what’s another funeral wake?

i’ve gone in far too deep in

and  i’m left with vanished stars

so i can only pick the best

and if i die, i can finally awaken

i’m a coward, i know

but you don’t have to be

struck with contrition for a

guileless naïve stranger

hell, i’m never strong enough

to overpower my own foolish self

that much, at least, is true

no, i’m just not fucking strong enough

f     o     r        y     o     u.

i’m so sorry, s.d.

.

but before i say goodbye permanently, i would like to confess that you’r[CONTENT MISSING]

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Saving my Sleep for the Sirens

The frame, the friction
It’s the reason that we all become aware
And we change for no reason
Some say it’s better to fall asleep and disappear
It’s time we finally look at what we’ve done
And wake up…

~*~

I cannot sleep, this haunt persisted to stay

I need a hand here to suffocate my throat

Lie, otherwise I won’t have another today

Amidst arctic isles and glaciers I will float

.

Don’t they know that’s all I dream about?

Perhaps I am just too ambitious to forget

Say I’m right, indulged in septic fantasies

Teetering at the edge of a cliff over death

.

But my jealous mind is pushing me farther

I couldn’t dissolve my nightmares, after all

Standing with my back against the red sun

And screaming, I have never felt more tall

.

I am another thought that lacerates skins

If you bleed out because of me, so let it be

Seeking an escape, the exit sign’s blinding

And I’m chasing circles away from misery

.

I am slipping out, my foothold is unstable

Through rain and ashes, I bathe in debris

Threads unravelling of stitches miserable

I cannot fall from touch, never sedentary

.

I’ve wished for a dollar that I won’t be rich

They call me insane, but that’s the way it is

The point I try to make is never transparent

But the light from my lies makes it apparent.

~*~

So here we are, we’re waiting for a fall
And on the radio they’re calling on satellites
Like they’re going to save us all…

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No One Does It Better

If these whispered words don’t make sense

Because all the things you say are in past tense

I’ve never seen a frown quite like yours, dear

We’re moving too quick, I can barely see past the tears

.

Things won’t change with the blink of a blue eye

There’s a crash in the system, and a sun that won’t die

Leave it all behind when your feet is barely touching the ground

Searching for a secret place where you could never be found

.

Let’s stay out late and laugh about the childish lies that could never be

If I chain myself to your bleeding wrists, would I be set free?

But somehow there’s a moral somewhere in this addicting vice

I’ll simply smile behind your back and I’ll play nice, I can play nice

.

This was nothing but trouble, but it was all worth it to me

We’re going down, I told you about how it’s gonna go wrong badly

The alarm is sounding, red lights flashing, and we’re dancing under fire

Can you still hear me as you drown under the depths of desire?

.

The bitter taste was my saving grace, my only reason to live

I’m too tired to find my problems now, I’m too tired to know what I can give

I don’t know what I was thinking when I pulled the curtains shut

The rope around my neck is keeping me hanging on, please understand that

.

I would be out of line to say how damn beautiful you look tonight

But even if I’m not allowed to speak, that doesn’t mean that I’m not right

I was hoping to take a hold of the lost future we saved for the last

It wasn’t the best we had, but it’s better compared to the past

.

The headache is beginning to grow, I think it’s highly contagious

The room is spinning and my vision’s blurring, and I’m going delirious

Your honesty is something to be jealous about, and your vanity’s not your sin

Your virtues burn faster than your cigarettes, inhale the smoke within

.

I woke up with all your bags packed and gone, and the cab you hailed was denying

This is just another difficult test, and it’s one that I seem to be failing

The grudges I held onto left faster than your memories, I’m not losing sleep over you, it’s true

And if there’s any reason to move past, dear, no one does it better than you.

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I’ll Play to Win, You’ll Pay to Lose

I’ll be the winner, I can take this shallow game by force

The consequences can wait later, let things run their course

The curses I hid at the very back my tongue are threatening to spill

And I’ve got a camera to shoot and a scandal set up for the thrill

It’s contagious and dangerous, but don’t be such a coward

If you keep up the act and smile behind the pain, you’ll get a reward

I swear I need some room to breathe, so stay the hell away

I’m playing dirty, so sob and sue me, it’s a lawsuit for another day

The flavour of the day is anguish with a side of fake issues

In cigarettes smouldering on the ashtray and numbers written on tissues

Forget all common sense, it’s what I need, let’s make this happen

And if I told you another secret for the moment, would you start to listen?

Dearest enemy, I give you my trust and all the blame there is to gain

I’ll check you off my list, I’m done with you, don’t try to explain

Desperate hearts resort to desperate measures, so pick your card and bluff

I’ll be the jack in the deck and cheat with a smile and handcuffs

This should be enough, but you always wanted a little more

Don’t wipe away the dry clean slate when I’m trying to keep score

Hold me down and keep me around, I’ll entertain your sick satisfaction

And when I take my break and pause, I’ll slip you the poison

You’re young and deluded, and every breath is a knife in your chest

Trophy eyes that shine and rust, you think life will simply give you the rest

Hang on to my every words and give me away to the waiting crowd

Have you had your fill? Don’t make me a big thing and say those things aloud

Pose as you hold me closer, guarantee me utmost confidentiality

This one-night stand is controlling, I’m disclosing faith and losing my identity

I’m declaring war and flashing you my dorsal fins and sharp bite tooth

But I’m telling you that it’s the truth, it’s the truth, it’s the truth

You say it was an accident, and I believe you and your best friend

But just go back home and contemplate, this is the beginning of our end

I’m going down but I’m not out for the count, I’m here to please

I know things you don’t know, does that hurt to even question these?

I know you won’t be able to change face to face, so don’t fix what ain’t broken

You’re so wrong when you say I’m right with the words I’ve spoken

I’ll let you have a taste of me but take caution, I’m the thorn in your throat

Is it that hard to swallow? Drink your wine if you don’t wanna choke

Clean up the mess you made, line them up, line them up, and knock them down

These rules were made so you can ignore them and flash your golden crown

Hate loves company but three makes for a crowd, I bet we won’t make it

So don’t advise me about high places, I’ll just about fall for any one of your shit

You’re so selfish, so save your scarlet kisses for the ones in need

The boys are here to take their share, feed, and indulge in their cruel greed

Don’t remind me of the septic way you make amends for yourself

I’ll accept you and your misery, but damn, it’s just fucking bad for my health

Watch your mouth, don’t spit it out, I’ll tighten the gag between your lips

It’s a storm of jealousy, let’s just take the middleman out and skip

We’re running out of time, our lying bodies keep saying we’re just fine

But the crumpled letters on my bedside say I’m paying for another cold crime

I keep my enemies close, but you’re so special, I’ll keep you even closer

I’m on my own and I need you more than ever, but I’ll walk ahead and say never

If this is what it takes to fix another detonated wasteland falling apart

Then beat me, we don’t give and take, we steal and never know how to restart

You go too far, push out the walls, we’ll never heal if we keep reopening the cuts

I’m screaming my apologies to the sky, but your crying eyes stay shut

It’s much safer if there’s a line to be crossed, and it’s much safer if you stay gone

The pages are ripped out of the book again, and the story goes on and on

I didn’t want to find out like this, things could have been much better if I stay

But you knock me down and hang me out, and you’re forcing me to do things your way

I will be the winner, I’ll murder my pride and reputation just to have a bit of fun

And when I emerge triumphant and you’re crawling on the ground, we’ll see who’ll be the better man.

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sounds of pain in the haemorrhage of a beast

the thoughts that confine

and slow down the

softer sounds of pain

as the beast in my mind

slips and slurs again

tonight; it shall sleep

but the sky is still

spinning under zero gravity

and the madness still

tastes like alcohol forbidden

on my hanging tongue

with every stupor prayer

that releases and unleashes

itself under my nerves,

the weakness manifests in

forms of darkness and

silhouettes and bulletproof

hearts lying under a pressure

and severed lust again

no more shall serpents hiss

about the aspiration and

initiation, all subdued into a

paralysing self-sedation

in the vigil of a ghostly moon

reflected under a lake

like a hallucinated mirror

glimmering in blades

swinging its pendulum knife

downwards, inch by inch

until the thoughts that

confine and slow down the

softer, senseless sound of pain

reaches the beast in my mind

and it bleeds out again.

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Angels Don’t Exist in Fairy Tales

Hear the sound
The angels come screaming
Down your voice
I hear you’ve been bleeding
Make your choice
They say you’ve been pleading
Someone save us!

~*~

I don’t care about the midnight angels

The static voices ring in my head every night

Another apology simply went to hell

Lithe like a burning sapphire-encrusted kite

.

I lost my way behind old rusted doors

I’m dancing on nails scattered all over the floor

Tradition keeps the pages from yellowing

But the impulsive tongues kept on poisoning

.

So black out, resay it, and fucking fall

Gut and glory and guns and games, damn it all

Kill the pendulum swinging in your deadly heart

Sweet like confectionary, yet as hard as tart

.

Shallow pockets drop tarnished spare change

For obedient me to follow the witch’s trail

Bullets I ate like stale bread crumbs mage

Shove me under the oven, punishment to entail

.

Bury me in black and blue gruesome

The kingdom is damned for princesses long gone

I’m already dead, the villains have won

But this story never ends, the twist never comes

.

So stay away from my concentration

Keep your clenched fists away from the violence

Steer clear of my bones’ dissolution

Childish fracture garnered from decadence

.

There’s no one to save you from screaming

Another gingerbread wall collapses off

Again we’ll bleed in fairy lights twinkling

What’s this tall fable you’ve been speaking of?

.

So don’t defy my sorry, we’ll stake our clouds long

Flurry of destructive wings writing down halo songs

Now I don’t give a damn about the daylight angels

My soul’s running thin on faith, and heaven’s just cruel.

~*~

Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We’ll hear the sound
As you’re falling down…

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She Sings Nightmares to the Ocean Waves

Someday I’ll drive, close both my eyes
We’ll swim in circles in the blue lights
And I just want to fade away into the sky under the sea
A million kisses underwater as we walk into the ocean…

~*~

Drive me to the edge

You know I’ll let myself fall

Without any ado or fail

I’m caught up in your gale

Choking on the crumbled stars

Reaching for your guitar

As you paint musical notes

Pastel on my bleached wishbones

To keep my stiff blue nerves

From aching for home

.

This rain won’t stop anytime

A deadly deluge of blood

My lacerated lungs aren’t fine

And my cut wrists are handcuffed

To the screaming moon

I’m sorry I can’t dream for you

The sunset’s far too soon

I have to pay for my wasted crimes

I can’t gnaw on diamond bars

But I swear, I swear I’ll try

.

You say you’re just an animal

With an abyss for eyes

But you look goddamn beautiful

Hiding under my bed tonight

I’m just a pretty monster

Hell, why would I let you go?

I need your beauty to breathe

If you wanted to sink, just say so

I won’t let the air bubbles

Escape my lavender tinged mouth

I’ll twist my knotted fingers

And drift in your undertow south

.

Those ocean flesh tone lips

Look liquid against the lightning

Cold heats aquatic reveries

As we find ourselves ironic smiling

About an eternity of nothing

But somehow under the waves

I’m dying of dehydration

Parched, thirsting only for your

Most frigid of serotonin

I know water will only burn me

Like concoctions of sulphur and sin

.

I’m drowning in my nightmares

Singing of your sweet victory

And splashing your starry sunflowers

From lost days of poignant isolation

In a neverland where I’m happy

So dear, when you shift under the

Blankets and begin to slow

Your breathing, please save it

All for the whispering feather pillow

And bury your quiet laugh

In the silver locks of my tangled hair

Shhhhhhhh…don’t wake me up.

~*~

Do you see me at all under the tall waves?
Do you see me at all?

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letters to s.d.: fragment #7 {heights}

i loa[REDACTED] [REDACTED]out [REDACTED]tor, alw[REDACTED] remember.

.

please don’t…

i can’t bear the thought

of this pen moving

and throwing up useless

bullshit yet again…

why do i try? why do i try?

i want to reach for you.

you’re only five feet six inches

short, but when i stand on

your shoulders, i see the whole

universe tearing itself up

apart in neon explosions and

consternated constellations,

and i’m the maestro conductor,

tapping away and waving

the concatenations, every beat

of discord, and the astral

symphony of an entropy.

save me with your caramel arms

don’t let me get sucked in

by the impending black hole

that nullifies every cell, every

song, every damn belief

in my body and system, until

i am reduced to cosmic echoes

of a voided wavelength,

fraudulent e.m.p.t.i.n.e.s.s.

and somehow i would rather

let this planet eat me away.

but don’t let my god go

away for me, love every comet

and asteroid as if it were

my heartbeat and soul,

manipulate the disaster of

my negative existence,

and kiss me goodnight on

this somnolent moontide.

i stopped these knives for you

i’ll make you proud again.

this time, i won’t let the demons

steal my comets and win.

my dearest s.d., you were

always a giant standing among

toy soldiers, so commandeer

the garrison of the angels straight

to heal my stretched humanity

and make my universe spin

once again. i’ll wish for your

comforting star each lonely night,

s.d., so please watch over me

and hope i don’t fall away this time.

love, wishes, and goodbye; signed,

your bleeding little blue moon.

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letters to s.d.: fragment #6 {promise}

darling, you[REDACTED] be [REDACTED]ay

.

i’m sorry.

i didn’t mean to.

what have i done.

i won’t think about it.

i won’t do it again.

for you, i’ll try.

not to die.

.

fuck fuck fuck fuck i’m d[REDACTED].

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letters to s.d.: fragment #5 {irony}

i ate sh[REDACTED] and vom[REDACTED]ed razor blades.

.

i’m sorry

i’m not strong

enough

to listen to

your words

i know you

did this before

and it fucking

H U R T

so you stopped

for your sake

but i’m not you

i only wish i

was with you

you’re the only

person who

believes in me,

and you never

met me in your

whole life

isn’t that funny?

i can’t stop.

after all,

it only hurts

when i laugh.

.

smile until the pa[REDACTED] turns to [REDACTED] and ashes.

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