Tag Archives: control

Jouska (pointless monologue)

Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feelings hidden
There is no ease, I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up but
My feelings are fatal…

~*~

This much, I know, we will never be alone together.

I couldn’t ever bring myself to attempt to catch up

With you; quietly fearing this trembling uncertainty of

Completely tiring myself down with the futile chase

Only to find out that I arrived in dead-set last place,

So I’ll just allow you to leave me behind instead, as it is.

It just feels like the more happiness you’re getting,

The less of you I could have for myself—and though

I can’t and won’t deprive you of the things you’ve fully

Well deserved for a long time, I also can’t stop

Myself from being such a selfish machine, stupidly

Begging for something far beyond my taut reach,

Inadvertently trapping myself and wailing in anguish

When I have to chew at my own leg just to get out of it—

I just can’t stop myself from giving a damn about you.

But I guess that’s fine. You will never find me out anyway, and

Even if short-lived and shortsighted, I still dearly cherish

What little euphoric glimpses I had of your attention, even

If it meant nothing, I only wish nothing but the very best for you,

And I could only hope that this teaches me a final lesson;

One last acrid pill to swallow, hope I don’t choke this time,

No more. I could only ever endure too much. Please. Not anymore.

The more you feel alive, the more I slowly wither away inside,

But I couldn’t hate you for that. I could never hate you at all…

It’s not your fault I keep fucking losing control of myself.

~*~

How many times must I keep it inside
I need to let go and I swear that I’ve tried
But opening up means trusting others
And that’s just too much, I don’t want to bother
So I’ll keep it inside and bury it deep
I know it’s not healthy, but you won’t hear a peep…

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purge


“Won’t somebody let me out?
Don’t want to stick around no more
Sick of looking at you strange
Sick of sticking to the floor.”


finger connecting

epiglottis

a show of power

find control

acid on blue lips

attempts to

manufacture skin

around ulna

stretched-out tight

just a bit more

sick of plain water

but the need is

stronger than crave

sweat trickling

down notched back

tracing triumph

months of sabotage

reach crescendo

lightheaded—but not

from lack, only the

loss, more more more

finger probes tonsil

carefully deep, lodged

clutches the trigger

for maybe another taste

and control heaves

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aggressive

all this aggression

unchecked, just left

shaking in my chest

knuckles sore and red

the need to distress, find

anguish, and cause pain

and feel pain, be harmed

and do it again and again

.

all this aggression

repressed, recessed

clouding common sense

coppery taste of bruises

the urges, uncontrollable

and one of these days, it’s

going to get me in trouble

but i’ll be too angry to care.

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Queen of the Colony

Your brain’s a mess of ravenous ants

Crawling and spitting out of your tongue

Starved for some attention, crimson pincers

And beady eyes prying out for profanities

As if that was in my total control—as if

You didn’t leave blood for them to lap up

The drops you eagerly tore out of my wrists

Because life had you sucked fucking dry

And hollowed out to become a simple nest

For the fire ants that chewed through

Your deaf eardrums, and left your heart

Paralysed with their mindless poison—

Do you have the nerve to admit that you

Were wrong, or have they just disconnected

Your soft spine from your callous flesh as well?

So don’t go calling me your goddamn prey now

I won’t be the skin you’ll have left to feed

Your avaricious wiles crushed between

The grind of blunted teeth, the stale crystals

Of sugar left on the dinner table, because

I’ll cauterise my own wounds with your

Self-pity and shake your obnoxious grip off

Along with all the ants in your carved-out brain

If you have any left—no wonder you drove yourself fucking insane.

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Stranded

A decade’s worth of anger

But be frank, control your temper

Test the tidal tempest water

Weigh them down, be the anchor

.

Crash the rocks, losing colours

Know thyself and fuel the embers

Signal fire to blind the rancour

And above all else, never remember.

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[d]anger

a kettle

in my temples

shrieking—

building up

into violence

.

blood is

scalding me

running down

elbows and

bedsheets

.

an urge

to shatter

bone and metal

just to receive

the release

.

disjointed

lack of control

a sickening

satisfaction, then

didappointment

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The Amputee

Wonder why I wake up living in a made-up
Dream of you and I, together there
Baby, wake the fuck up
Time for you to grow up
Don’t you know that life is rarely ever fair?

~*~

now i should cease

with my attempted wars

involuntary romance

could only get me so far

.

i’ll cross black holes

for the simple soul i adore

they won’t recognise

such a dark helpless horror

.

pulled back and forth

maybe i’m a piece of string

pirouette me overhead

perhaps you’ll hear me sing

.

it was never their fault

i’m aware i have fallen victim

to the hell of taking light

as the other is still rekindling

.

now i should stop myself

while control’s on my fingertips

an accidental devotion will

only make me lose all my limbs.

~*~

Ice cold, baby, I’m ice cold
You’re the only one who could make me fold
I wouldn’t ask you to take care of me
Oh, I wouldn’t ask you to take care of me…

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it’s on you, now

you’re in

the backseat

of my thoughts

as i grip the

steering wheel

with steady hands

.

but you’re still

in full control

of everything in me

and baby, i think

we’re about to

c̴̱̀ ̷̩̎r̴̮͈̭̈́͆ ̷̺̎̐̈-a̸͍̠͂̈ ̶͎̞̣̈́̔͝–s̶̛̩͊̇— ̴̱͙͍͘ẖ̷̣̱͋̏̍ ̴̯͇̐

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Obsessive

I will always love you
But I need pills to sleep
I have always failed you
So throw away my memories…

~*~

I love you, I know

I feel it in my bones

From the top of my head

You make me go red

.

I love you, I know

I swear it’s just crazy

I stutter and swell

At the sight of you, lovely

.

I love you, I know

There’s no one else for me

You’re a gemstone star

You’re so nice and so pretty

.

I love you, I know

Everyday that grows stronger

But my heart grows weak

Won’t you please make it better?

.

I love you, I know

Though it’s kinda distracting

I can’t live anymore

You’re just always attracting

.

I love you, I know

My brain can’t stop thinking

About all the chances

That will never be happening

.

I love you, I know

I swear I’ll do anything

There’s no way back

I find myself constricting

.

I love you, I know

Please, why can’t you see

Am I just a false illusion?

Just what is it about me?

.

I love you, I know

Or maybe I’m just dumb

At this point, I can’t tell

Maybe I’m just too numb

.

I love you, I know

I fear there’s no control

I love you, I think

I should go see a shrink.

~*~

So throw away my memories
Throw them all away.

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Goodbye Mausoleum

The normal man, promised all things
Brought into this, taken by pain
He mistook home for grave
The normal man, filtered by hate
Living to pay, buying what’s fake
He mistook home for grave
It’s not what we’re made to be
So why’d he do it?

~*~

You took one taste of notoriety

And now you smell like a funeral march

Kindle the pain with some anxiety

To shatter the ground beneath you apart

.

You cannot decode what’s right anymore

So you left the rope hanging in your closet again

Someday, you’ll be brave enough to wear it

But for now, the bruises will make do and repent

.

And you spin, and you spin, dizzy out of control

Dance with faux illusions as you seethe with the wind

Picking at the cracks until it grows into a hole

For you to fall under, but you’re just too sick to grieve

.

For you might be strong, but the hurt’s indestructible

Fight all you want, since you’re so used to losing

Scissors and blindfolds reveal no justice for terrors

Fight all you want, the ammunition’s reloading

.

To empty all your thoughts away and clear your hollow head

There’s no rest for the wicked but there’s some rest for the dead

And the headline isn’t too morbid, the parade is solemn and slow

Oh, how they all loved to see you buried and yet they hated to see you go.

~*~

I guess he just did not know
I guess we just do what we’re told
The anthem cries, but why listen?
I guess we just do what we’re told
Betrayed again, betrayed again
What began as life for him
Was only sorrow, was only shame…

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