Tag Archives: control

lágrima

i cried

for the first

time in a

long time

today, and

.

the tears

are not for

me, they are

meant for

someone else

.

and the

sadness is

not mine,

only my lack

of control

.

towards them—

i wept, and it hurt,

but i could only

imagine how much

worse it was for you.

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come on, skinny love.

Skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my
My sullen load is full
So slow on the split…

~*~

confidence in taut collarbones

and sinews of soft flesh sticking out

from these slowly-crumbling ribs

hoping they won’t notice the excess

counting macros and scale numbers

on the package of chewing gum

.

i promise you, the hunger’s not real

but the ugly bulk on your arms are

and on your legs and chest and neck

so suppress it all, ignore the growing pain

and perhaps all the consumed water

will revive this withering flower

.

brittle hair falling like twisted snow

too tired all the time from staying pretty

a dull glow from behind skinny eyes

hoping a skinny heart will keep me alive

tears dripping off like the clothes on my back

as the mirror sneers, it’s not enough

.

so i’ll just suck my skin in even tighter

and chew on empty air and constant disgust

never satisfied with my toothpick limbs

until i’m certain that my body could easily splinter

if i was given a hug, by the people who like me

because i finally look the way i forced myself to be.

~*~

Now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
Now I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you? Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

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Jouska (pointless monologue)

Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feelings hidden
There is no ease, I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up but
My feelings are fatal…

~*~

This much, I know, we will never be alone together.

I couldn’t ever bring myself to attempt to catch up

With you; quietly fearing this trembling uncertainty of

Completely tiring myself down with the futile chase

Only to find out that I arrived in dead-set last place,

So I’ll just allow you to leave me behind instead, as it is.

It just feels like the more happiness you’re getting,

The less of you I could have for myself—and though

I can’t and won’t deprive you of the things you’ve fully

Well deserved for a long time, I also can’t stop

Myself from being such a selfish machine, stupidly

Begging for something far beyond my taut reach,

Inadvertently trapping myself and wailing in anguish

When I have to chew at my own leg just to get out of it—

I just can’t stop myself from giving a damn about you.

But I guess that’s fine. You will never find me out anyway, and

Even if short-lived and shortsighted, I still dearly cherish

What little euphoric glimpses I had of your attention, even

If it meant nothing, I only wish nothing but the very best for you,

And I could only hope that this teaches me a final lesson;

One last acrid pill to swallow, hope I don’t choke this time,

No more. I could only ever endure too much. Please. Not anymore.

The more you feel alive, the more I slowly wither away inside,

But I couldn’t hate you for that. I could never hate you at all…

It’s not your fault I keep fucking losing control of myself.

~*~

How many times must I keep it inside
I need to let go and I swear that I’ve tried
But opening up means trusting others
And that’s just too much, I don’t want to bother
So I’ll keep it inside and bury it deep
I know it’s not healthy, but you won’t hear a peep…

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purge


“Won’t somebody let me out?
Don’t want to stick around no more
Sick of looking at you strange
Sick of sticking to the floor.”


finger connecting

epiglottis

a show of power

find control

acid on blue lips

attempts to

manufacture skin

around ulna

stretched-out tight

just a bit more

sick of plain water

but the need is

stronger than crave

sweat trickling

down notched back

tracing triumph

months of sabotage

reach crescendo

lightheaded—but not

from lack, only the

loss, more more more

finger probes tonsil

carefully deep, lodged

clutches the trigger

for maybe another taste

and control heaves

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aggressive

all this aggression

unchecked, just left

shaking in my chest

knuckles sore and red

the need to distress, find

anguish, and cause pain

and feel pain, be harmed

and do it again and again

.

all this aggression

repressed, recessed

clouding common sense

coppery taste of bruises

the urges, uncontrollable

and one of these days, it’s

going to get me in trouble

but i’ll be too angry to care.

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Queen of the Colony

Your brain’s a mess of ravenous ants

Crawling and spitting out of your tongue

Starved for some attention, crimson pincers

And beady eyes prying out for profanities

As if that was in my total control—as if

You didn’t leave blood for them to lap up

The drops you eagerly tore out of my wrists

Because life had you sucked fucking dry

And hollowed out to become a simple nest

For the fire ants that chewed through

Your deaf eardrums, and left your heart

Paralysed with their mindless poison—

Do you have the nerve to admit that you

Were wrong, or have they just disconnected

Your soft spine from your callous flesh as well?

So don’t go calling me your goddamn prey now

I won’t be the skin you’ll have left to feed

Your avaricious wiles crushed between

The grind of blunted teeth, the stale crystals

Of sugar left on the dinner table, because

I’ll cauterise my own wounds with your

Self-pity and shake your obnoxious grip off

Along with all the ants in your carved-out brain

If you have any left—no wonder you drove yourself fucking insane.

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Stranded

A decade’s worth of anger

But be frank, control your temper

Test the tidal tempest water

Weigh them down, be the anchor

.

Crash the rocks, losing colours

Know thyself and fuel the embers

Signal fire to blind the rancour

And above all else, never remember.

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[d]anger

a kettle

in my temples

shrieking—

building up

into violence

.

blood is

scalding me

running down

elbows and

bedsheets

.

an urge

to shatter

bone and metal

just to receive

the release

.

disjointed

lack of control

a sickening

satisfaction, then

didappointment

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The Amputee

Wonder why I wake up living in a made-up
Dream of you and I, together there
Baby, wake the fuck up
Time for you to grow up
Don’t you know that life is rarely ever fair?

~*~

now i should cease

with my attempted wars

involuntary romance

could only get me so far

.

i’ll cross black holes

for the simple soul i adore

they won’t recognise

such a dark helpless horror

.

pulled back and forth

maybe i’m a piece of string

pirouette me overhead

perhaps you’ll hear me sing

.

it was never their fault

i’m aware i have fallen victim

to the hell of taking light

as the other is still rekindling

.

now i should stop myself

while control’s on my fingertips

an accidental devotion will

only make me lose all my limbs.

~*~

Ice cold, baby, I’m ice cold
You’re the only one who could make me fold
I wouldn’t ask you to take care of me
Oh, I wouldn’t ask you to take care of me…

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it’s on you, now

you’re in

the backseat

of my thoughts

as i grip the

steering wheel

with steady hands

.

but you’re still

in full control

of everything in me

and baby, i think

we’re about to

c̴̱̀ ̷̩̎r̴̮͈̭̈́͆ ̷̺̎̐̈-a̸͍̠͂̈ ̶͎̞̣̈́̔͝–s̶̛̩͊̇— ̴̱͙͍͘ẖ̷̣̱͋̏̍ ̴̯͇̐

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