Tag Archives: deserve

boy with the bullets (smith & wesson)

It’s not fair when you say that I didn’t try
I just don’t want to hear it anymore
I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don’t care about you anymore…

~*~

you’ve been nothing but good to me

and yet i treat you with feral viciousness

spitting sharp razors down your back

and taking a .45 to your bruised throat

like you deserved any of it at all,

but you don’t. if anything, i am the one

who needs to be put down, for all the

crimes i’ve committed against you,

for every inflicted pain and malicious insult,

for every tactless word that travels from

my mouth and straight to your lungs, making

you lose your breath’s momentum again;

for everything i did to you and everything i didn’t…

you deserve to pull the fucking t r i g g e r

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a mindless monologue

The blood, the blood, the blood of the lamb
Is worth two lions, but here I am
And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams
But they’re not quite what they seem…

~*~

i need some therapy

and a hundred seconds alone

i need room to breathe

and support from the bleed

i need to stay silent

and talk my problems out

find another friend to bother

and do nothing but joke around

i need to admit something’s wrong

that i can’t do this by myself

i need to keep myself going

and be just a little more strong

i need bitter medication

i don’t know why i stopped

guess i don’t want to be an addict

my brain feels fogged and rough

i need to hurt myself less

throw away my blades and insecurities

i don’t want to keep companions

and end up in a fit of jealousy

i need to absolve all my mistakes

to stop hurting the people around me

always on the brink of an apology

i need to stop being—and feeling—sorry

i need to channel my thoughts safer

but i just don’t have the skill or talent

i can’t make anyone any promises

and my future is scary and hellbent

i need to keep on dreaming

but not too much to drown in the tides

i need to stop worrying neurotically

about what’s what and the right of rights

i need to be me and more than this

i want to figure myself out before it’s too late

to be assured of myself, the things i can do

to provide myself with no more of hate

i know i can never undo the long-term damage

caused by my self-destructive ways

but i know that i could always be better

than what i think i deserve—i need to change.

~*~

I can move mountains
I can work a miracle, work a miracle
I’ll keep you like an oath
“May nothing but death do us part…”

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word vomit

And here we go again with all the things we said
And not a minute spent to think that we’d regret
So we just take it back, these words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant…

~*~

i keep wasting my words

on someone who doesn’t

give a single damn anymore

every profanity and melody

symbols and type bringing up

yet another detestable score

.

i keep wasting my words

on someone who doesn’t want

nor deserve it all anymore

and i keep running out of lines

choking on my dictionary

and still you asked me for more.

~*~

I’ll write you just to let you know that I’m alright
Can’t say I’m sad to see you go
Cause I’m not (no, I’m not), well, I’m not…

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Haters Gonna Hate: Ultimate Diss Track

Alright, you had your turn

At the spotlight microphone

Yelling names down my ears

For the whole crowd to hear

But now it’s my fucking turn

And you better listen up then

‘Cause I’m about to burn me

Worse than I have ever been

Since everyone’s out to slay

My nasty reputation anyway

I’ll do you (and me) a favour

I’ll roast myself in full colour

So don’t you wish I was dead?

But join the club, it’s growing

Tons more waiting to sign up

And I’m the goddamn president

Because I’m a jerk, a selfish dick

Jerking off like a worthless prick

I never make amends, never work

Get busy on excuses until I choke

I don’t improve, though I degrade

Fuck humanity, screw my grades

It’s my fault I’m an underacheiver

Never reaching my true potential

And I have problems, I complain

But no one wants to hear a thing

They also got crap to deal with

Got no time for whiny bullshit

My attitude gets on their nerves

Who is this loser and his verve?

An attention-seeking infamy slut

Rebellious, stubborn, fucking nuts

Thinking that I did everyone wrong

So I cut off all the communications

It’s all I can do, it’s easier that way

Who wants to live with me anyway?

Because I’m simply damn egotistic

Anxious, narcissistic, so apathetic

I’m depressed, but I can go suck it

Eat my own shit, it’s just pathetic

I’m not so special, I’m not anyone

And I’m just another stupid human

Being cynical, rotting in this reality

Say we’ll die anyway, why be sorry?

And I never think that I’m enough

No self-esteem to even cover me up

Insecurities too deep it never heals

Stifling myself down on how I feel

I’m a chronic liar, two-faced bastard

Performances deserving of an award

I cheat, I steal, I loathe, I’m jealous

Moralities fucked, it’s overzealous

In the end, I’m all talk but no bite

I’m all blind punches but no fight

I’m all write, don’t say what I mean

Sucking on empty hope and dreams

I’m always so harmful and noxious

Think I’m cool but really obnoxious

Hurting the only ones tolerating me

Pushing away all friends and family

And I don’t care for my own being

Even in the sake of any other doing

The fact I’m even writing all of this

Shows how much garbage I could be

I mocked and pissed at myself now

Still I feel it’s inadequate somehow

I’ve got a million profanities to give

And a million more why I shan’t live

But I’ll never change for the better

I simply push my head underwater

Wallowing in such a wretched state

Suffering is grand, it’s fucking great

I’m never alright, and I’ll never be

And the worst part is this self-pity

It’s disgusting, repulsive yet I take

Swallow down every dumb mistake

Never apologetic, always insincere

I’m such a faker, so crucify me here

It’s just another sin up the final tally

I don’t mind, go ahead and blame me

‘Cause I get it, I do, it’s into the ground

Why no one even wants to stick around

Because I’m just a miserable piece of shit

And if I’m this way, then yeah, I deserve it.

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The Soldier In The Desert

Well, after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar’s just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up while you can…

~*~

so tell me, what have i done

to deserve these icy shivers

you dripped down my spine

and halted my temperature?

.

i only wished to take respites

and thaw this spastic relation

i never thought you’re weary

fathomed into a sunken inure

.

but grudges develop into gall

and interpretations turn awry

communications break down

and scars leave defaced marks

.

though was this my sin or yours

praying to the deities of hearsay

and believe gossip from tongues

refusing thus to light the sparks?

.

so tell me, just what have i done

to deserve your crashing bullets?

dismayed gunpowder sending me

straight down into an early grave

.

i only wished to defuse the placid hate

and cease this ineffectual, aeonian war

but perhaps both of the perpetrators are

enjoying such pain too much to be saved.

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Stars In Flight

The hope that you spilled onto my tongue

Still has no discernible taste

And all the second chances, times infinity

Felt like such a complete waste

I want to defy the serpents hissing profane

And light up these lips in butane

I want to believe that yesterday don’t exist

And cross it out of my checklist

But I relapse into hospital wedding gowns

In voices that don’t make a sound

Choking on gold ribbons, feeling the same

As I get tired of writing my name

Spinning in cycles of silver clouds and pose

Faith as banal as a lacerating rose

Telling heaven what I want again ‘til it hurts

Injured by hell, losing to my curse

Will I ever replace restless flames that ignite

As pretence returns to take the fight?

Will I close my eyes against the terror austere

Can I say I’ll still be here in a year?

But I hear you singing in the wind and echoing

Past empty hallways, ever listening

Sabotaging rusted knives deigning to be selfish

With a stellar colliding for the finish

You will never know you’re my angel, will you?

You’ll never know how many times

You saved me from falling out into dark oblivion

As desperation’s bile starts to arise

When you swore you won’t chase in circles south

And whispered as I held my mouth

I did yearn to die, but you make me want to fake it

Sleeping in carparks, I might make it

And the floral pain nearly tears my skin into shreds

But you drink away the poisoned lead

I’m screaming thoughts which you turned into wine

I couldn’t rest until I’m startled into fine

I never deserved all of this, though it might be sparse

You swore it’ll disappear, promise to stars

I’ll be alright, love, I can bleed away all my phantoms

Someday I’ll fly to you, away from rock bottom.

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unreasonable

if you were

one of the

reasons why

i killed myself

if i had the gall,

i would never

absolve you from

the guilt or blame

you don’t deserve

that much, or even

anything at all.

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Give the filthy pauper a gold crown

I don’t deserve this, any of this, all of this.

It’s been a spine-crushing, mental-breaking, emotionally-draining day, and I’ve been nothing but empty and depressed, emotionally compromised, and I’ve done a lot of idiotic, harmful things to myself that might get my body to god knows what state, and will surely get me shipped straight to a psychiatric facility if anyone in the nearby vicinity of the household found out. But nay, the troubles did not end there. They carried on all the way to tonight, where I proceeded to nearly give a friend instant myocardial infarction, and most likely ruined the rest of their day by not replying to them for 12 hours, when they probably already thought I was lying in the hospital unconscious, or worse, bleeding out and dead in my room.

I also somehow unintentionally forced another to shove the massive screaming elephant into a contained white room and fucking blow it up with fireworks, leaving a splattered mess of red everywhere that I can’t ignore or clean up. And what did clever old me do? Wallow ignorantly in the viscera and splash around it, as if I couldn’t exacerbate the damage any more than I already have, tasting acrid iron and bitter copper on my tongue, the metallic scent wafting overpoweringly strong, and pretended that the person who lit the fuse was not standing in front of me, and I’m getting guts and blood all over them, the very same guts they had in order to do such a sort of unprecedented thing. I acted like a coward and ran with my tail between my legs in the face of a braver light, and I’m not fucking proud of it.

Firstly, here’s a very much needed—yet all the same sincere—thank you for the scant number of people who know they damn well earned it. Thank you, a disgustingly-overused and horridly-cliché phrase that I could neither express eloquently nor enough. It helps, really, despite the fact that it goes against everything I usually say, about motivation, and fuck, they don’t even know how much it all means to me. It’s just always so fucking gratifying to find out just how much people care, or even just to know that there are people who care, and highly unsurprising to find out how many so-called “friends” simply don’t give a rat’s ass whether you tap dance your way off a building rooftop or contact incurable cholera and die a slow, painful death.

But then again, the fault has always lied in me. I was not built for a sense of human synergy, I have dysfunctional social relationships, somehow I’m too blinded and can never read the actual lines, and I’m too desensistised and incapable in sensing the signs and feeling the atmosphere. I’m not normal. I’m guarded, defensive, cynical, manipulative, a chronic liar, an absolute jerk, and I’m just listing off the least deprecating qualities of myself here. Unfortunately, with such traits, there are always those who I accidentally run over without stopping to see the red light, so it’s always a big revelation to me to discover that there are people who actually stick around with me despite my inane insufferableness.

So there, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never speak about my problems and what’s bothering me because I don’t want to bother anyone else, then expect you to give a damn about my superficial issues and pathetic angsty dramaticness, like you don’t have enough of transgressions of your own already. I’m sorry I shut everything out when things get too sentimental. It’s not because I don’t want to show weakness and expect you to do the same, it’s not mainly because I don’t know how to handle it, but it’s because I just don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your trust, your comfort, your honesty, your sympathetic words, I don’t deserve to see the deeper side of you that no one else has dared swam into. I’m total fucking arsehole, douchebag of the year awardee, and if I get abandoned, it’s not like it wasn’t coming for me anyways. You really don’t have to exert effort and emotion on someone that’s not worth your time. You have better things to do. You have other things to change. You have your own chaos to arrange. You didn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to.

Despite the outer façade of shallowest self-pity, I pray and repeal on the contrary. These are nothing but stupid little realisations and actualisations that I believe, assimilated and programmed in my clouded, shitfaced, oxygen-deprived brain after extensive hours of overthinking about it. I don’t deserve good friends. I don’t deserve cheering up and ice cream and bunnies and rainbows. I’m undeserving of absolution. The suffering, I was truly asking for it, but not even God should grant me the peace of mind I don’t deserve. I’m not meant to be fixed. I can’t be. That much, I know.

I’m too selfish to deserve selflessness.

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Pretty Girls Don’t Deserve Movie Seats

Tell me what you want until it hurts, I’ll hang myself in lights
And I will glow for you, the colour, oh my god it sends you
Spinning on this circus ride, we’re farther than we’ve ever been
Stuck in zero gravity we laugh (I think we’re in over our heads…)

~*~

That rasp in your sweet nothings

Tastes like a glitch in the system

Harmed soul so genuinely poetic

I’m catching your heat by a stem

Palm trees and fireworks colours

No alcohol takes away the effects

Of your fingertips, in dreams sour

I can’t sleep to conjure pink death

Cigarette burns on my wrist sting

The dark sunset behind is glaring

Silver rings intertwined your skin

Your confession was not for a sin

I wish I had someone else willing

To disappear with me, I escaping

In pencil lead grey, floral emotion

Victorian ceilings, high as passion

Pray for pain until it starts to hurt

So fall for me, as I’ll crash for you

Local scenes with a reckless spurt

Southern boys paint their sky blue

Against the monochrome filmstrips

Of a grainy romance noir yacht trip

Plastic props and makeup mayhem

Directing takes in a chaotic tandem

I swear both my martyrs eyes’ll haze

Carry me home to a castle lush gazed

You promised me turbulence or spite

It’s a blessing and a curse, can’t deny

You recognise every smile of the sun

Interplay with constellations on a kite

I’ll be the indigo dawn, spilled as I run

Resolutions on a backseat reel tonight

And under the shadow we will whisper

Exchanged melting hearts soft as butter

Whiskey and sobered, on velvet theatre

As exit signs glowed red like a hangover

Tomorrow, I’ll be too wasted with lights

But oh no, I just don’t care about heaven

And if I have the chance to hang myself

On the moon, for you love I’ll do it again.

~*~

I can’t deny it’s getting worse
Trust me, it’s a blessing and a curse
Call me if you’re crashing, we’ll take turns
Hello, welcome to Southern California
Now go back home!

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Callous Tongue

How fucking great

Is it to you that

You could laugh

At other people’s

Misfortunes?

If I were being

Kind, I’d call you a

Monster, but you

Wouldn’t care, ’cause

You don’t seem to

Have any emotion

And if I were being

Blatantly cruel,

I would say that

I hope you never have

Because the

Special monsters

Just like you

Don’t deserve any love.

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