Tag Archives: doubt

Doubt Is Failure By Design

We’re born to fuck everything up, I guess.

No one asked for this. I’m like a festering scar on the dysfunctional mind of a starving shark who mercilessly shoved me overboard, and my flailing limbs are weighed down with rocks and paralysed with guilt, with shameful culpability, with the handed-down heirloom of a cursed name—a mere letter and punctuation away from completely unpronounceable—come now, black sheep, where’s your fucking wool?

Absolutely deplorable. Every success-story sycophant resolutely cringes away as if touched by the devil’s acid itself, their gold-plated stomachs turning at the mere mention of us, rolling diamond eyes watering viciously at the sight of our squalid hands reaching out to extinct stars and begging for a shred of respite, if any at all, overfed jesters laughing like relentless hyenas at the classic repertoire of victimised beggars choosing to be losers. No change. No mercy. Miserable. We asked for it, didn’t we?

I take a single step into the path I meticulously measured before finally deeming to be correct, and end up breaking somebody’s weak spine instead; clumsy foot easily slicing through vertebrae like a sharpened sword through snowfall. Another mistake. Another cautionary tale. I hear my dead ancestors wail a steady plangent caterwaul, as they eternally scream and admonish me from beyond the depths of inferno and then perhaps some—from where I shall soon be sharing their fate as I join in with their ever-familiar sickly cries. Another generation. Another bad blood. It’s almost comforting, now.

Oh, well. We fucking saw it coming and let it happen anyway, didn’t we?

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Filed under Prose

sceptic

this doubt

will outlive me

and will be

the death of me

all the same.

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Filed under Poetry

epochs

i’m overthinking

you’re my overthought

hope lost to the seasons

confused sympathy forgot

flavescent streetlights

doubt and paranoia

dimming like bad habits

can’t be more than nostalgia

left cold in the end with

a wicked iridescence

was it all just a mistake?

all falling out of better sense

.

i’m overthinking

you’re my overthought

i promised to escape

unlacing every tangled knot

and embers dying out to

shivering uncertainties

of a fugacious infatuation

your effervescent kiss

so let me be the patience

and the future violence—once

my mind falls with daybreak

resting with our unfazed dalliance.

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Filed under Poetry

24 – no doubt

through metal and fire

sinews of flesh interred

lost restraint and desire

pleading tongues left sold

.

“it hurts to keep it all in”

hurts even more to speak

i must look rather grim

but soon overdose will kick

.

against the side of my brain

and knock me out for good

concealing all cravenly stains

before i finish what i should

.

through liars and lighters

i flayed to search for some rest

so lay me down to agony

and hope the worst’s for the best.

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Aggravate

It’s a wink

It’s a smile

It’s a tribute

It’s defiled

It’s an insult

It’s the lie

It’s who wants

To even die

It’s a stone

And a bruise

One got hit

And they lose

It’s a doubt

It’s cold flame

For a kid up in

A wrong game

It’s a smirk

It’s a grin

It’s the fun

For who wins

It’s a sinner

It’s a cynic

It’s too funny

Now, isn’t it?

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Filed under Poetry

Misdial

Daydreams that you never want to leave
Only your own thoughts to keep you company
Like a room of strangers staring quietly
Playing make-believe to keep you in between
Selfish and alone, where did you go?
Never find you in a memory…

~*~

It’s selfish to keep it in between my eyes

But I think I’m losing the disconnection

As I constantly find myself in debt with doubt

Wondering if I caused the false commotion

.

‘Cause the conversations don’t play out the same

And I don’t know if it’s all simply me to blame

Music’s a little duller when you’re not there to listen

At night, I wake up to the wrong daydreams again

.

I shouldn’t hold out hope to a fragile glass phone

But the rocks in my hand don’t wanna be alone

So I’ll take back my words, the way I always do

And regret that I couldn’t be your dial tone clue

.

I just hate the way that time fades the brightest of stars

And when the sun comes up, the horizon’s a little less blue

I hate that I couldn’t be there to be a distracting lullaby

Maybe you didn’t lose me, but I sure as hell lost you.

~*~

I feel your apathy, to me it all feels the same
I want to know how to think the way you think
About anyone but me, but you’re never sure
Never present, I want to fill my head with you…

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Filed under Poetry

Back To The Red Tapes

You are a handful of roses
Thorns and a cheap bouquet
True, I’m a walking disaster
They told you to stay away
Seems like I’m making
A deal with the devil…

~*~

I remember when we loathed each other

And what we wouldn’t do to one up and over

Subtle poison in each vindictive word and verse

Poised to hit the most vital organs and curse

.

We smeared the walls with our cold fresh blood

Leaving basilisk messages for another pitying god

And undertones of candy-coated punches in stitch

In plates of ‘hope you die, you conniving little bitch’

.

But sometimes the relapse was felt in compassion

A confusion of collisions, casting the condensation

I didn’t know if it was coincidence, or I was insane

But the universe parked parallel, changed the game

.

Passing the halls with the same songs in our mouths

Composing about the same things that gave us doubt

Secretly racing the other one for covert little challenges

And trying to push at each other’s buttons and nuisances

.

It was a mess, and the bleak battleground ain’t so pretty

But the smoke cleared up and the aftermath forgot me

Where the sun was aglow and my coffee tasted less bitter

And tears only came in the form of erupted endeavours

.

Now I read the past stories and I want to laugh out loud

Enough to disturb the anxiety that’s keeping my head out

The snide smirks, the loose lies, the entertaining electricity

Who knows what’s meant for you and what’s meant for me

.

After the sheer mayhem that came after each round of drinks

After every conversation held and confessions begging not to think

After all the chaos caused and the devastation left in its wake

It’s a lot easier to admit I’ll miss it—I’d listen again for a rewinded take.

~*~

‘Cause I feel like a bad joke
Walk the tight rope to hold onto you
Was it real? Or a love scene
From a bad dream? I don’t think
I can forget about it…

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anatomical dissection: feet

i don’t want

to walk endless

stretches of miles

for a destination

that doesn’t exist.

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Filed under Poetry

Pantomime

Borderline drowning in these messy thoughts
I’ll come down once I get some more
This substance got a hold on me, I’m insecure
I’m hearing voices, what the fuck’s that sound?
I’m going through problems I shouldn’t talk about…

~*~

I put myself in someone else’s heart

And it didn’t beat, no, it didn’t beat at all

My soul’s uncomfortable from twisting

And turning, trying to fit in the desperate crawl

The insecurities taste as heavy as substances

Making my open veins cough up less blood

I just don’t believe in myself as much as I should

And doubts weigh me down when I’ve had

A step away from my eyes and into empty shoes

Which squeaked when I wore them, the laces loose

And the soles were worn down from these miles of walking

I may have gone the distance but I didn’t do the talking

I’m no longer genuine, just as diamonds are always fake

Covering up for my mortalities with graver mistakes

And pretending I wasn’t me, for once I don’t know

What the parts of my anatomy were, how everything goes

The self-hatred whispers things I don’t want to have thought

And my mama tells me I’ve always been what I’m not

Head a mess, anxiety regaled in fanfare intuition

They say life’s not fair without a taste of contradiction

But I’m just trying to regain what I once lost with my pen

Discover all the stories I missed making amends again

I put myself in someone else’s heart, and it didn’t beat at all

But mine only started to breathe when I let myself answer the call.

~*~

I’m not comfortable
No, I just can’t seem to feel at all
I’m not comfortable
So, I’ll take another pharmaceutical
‘Cause I’m uncomfortable…

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Filed under Poetry

not dead, just deadbeat

‘Cause I carry ghosts of the things
You’ve said, I lay my bones to rest
Night after night, sleepless in Phoenix
Tell me a lie, make me believe it
You got me right where you haunt me…

~*~

my intestines are curled up

like unfathomable truth

like the end of the world that’s

happening in my head

so if i didn’t disappear anytime

i hope i’d just drop dead

they all tell me lies that i know

it’s sad that i still believe it

the past is a graceless substitute

for the smiles in my teeth

the future is a giant question mark

leaving open blanks in my skin

i’m sad to the beat of my own heart

and anxious to the beat of others

i don’t know if i’m being melodramatic

or all of this is just wishful sinking

but it feels real—at least, it’s more real

than all the things i’m never sure of

like the art of tragedy in a false miracle

or if i would ever make it out alive

or lose faith in myself before i say i did

i couldn’t feel low if i have drowned

so i close my bleeding eyes and pray again

that when i open them, i’ll see a reality

where i’m certain that i know what i’m doing.

~*~

Night after night, need you to know this
Tears me apart, I hope that you’re hopeless too
And I know we can kiss the past goodbye…

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Filed under Poetry