Tag Archives: emotion

In Moratorium


[ ∅ . ]

“ᴄᴀᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ sᴛᴀʀғᴀʟʟ
ʙʀᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴇᴀʀs ᴀɢᴀɪɴ
ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴠᴇʀʏ ʜᴜʀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏʟᴅ
ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜᴀᴛ’s ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ
ғʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ
ᴀɴᴅ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴛᴀɪɴ
ᴡᴇʟʟ, ɪ’ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ʜᴏʟᴅɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ᴛᴏɴɪɢʜᴛ…”


[ I . ]

You are arcane desire, and influential mania, and the sweetly vulgar taste of expired novocaine hanging above my quivering tongue like eden’s forbidden fruit. You are the contagious, infected swelling beneath the base of my throat that I madly vain to scratch away with both trembling hands, that I constantly want to carve out with a blunt scalpel in a resolute fit of psychosis. You are the deliberate misspelling of a foreign name that sounds frustratingly familiar, but only ever-so vaguely. Not close to a centimetre, teasingly grazing tiptoed silver slippers and half-buried memories. But not quite there yet.

ARE YOU LISTENING?


[ I I . ]

The resonating scream beneath my temples is starting to taper off into a sound akin to the mewling of a crippled fox; gunpowder and bullet hole smouldering in one leg, a rather patient hunter quietly praying by its burrow, steady fingers clasped tightly to the trigger as it sets up the final triumph with a whispered amen. It might just be from the severe blood loss, but my darling hunter, your gentle trilling call sounds almost alluringly enticing to me now. Me, a clever, cunning fox. You, a foolish, bumbling hunter. And yet you always seem to victoriously capture your kill in the end. Am I your final trophy head to be displayed in your cabin with the grandest fanfare, or shall my carcass simply be ferociously gutted and the scrapped remains fed to your rabid, starving dogs?

WHICH ONE SHALL IT BE?


[ I I I . ]

You are convoluted ecstasy and LSD and heroin in its rawest form, a most potent kind of prescription drug that instantly presses through my arm like hot steel and directly flows into my veins—though the hypodermic needle is missing and the vigil candle has completely melted away into stained tears hours, perhaps even weeks ago. But it is incredibly easy to lose track time with you, is it not? Every inch of the rampant hallucinogens traces highways back and forth on my scarred flesh and all over the wrinkles and grey matter of my deliquescent brain, smoothening out track marks and neurons alike as it gradually transforms me into an obedient porcelain mannequin. Just for you, I’ll forget to exhale, so let your guilt swirl through my charred lungs for all it’s worth, and I won’t suffocate. I promise.

DO YOU?


[ I V . ]

There is a new emotion blustering within me as you speak; something that feels like crudely sewing obscure adjectives on the underside of my clavicle, something that I don’t think anyone else with four chambers in their heart is supposed to ever feel; lest one of it inevitably clogs up and withers into paralysis. It renders every paranoid afterthought blindly unresponsive to the rest of my starving body, and sleeps right next to the nerve that could send me straight to comatose if pressed the wrong way. It takes the tiny spots from below your right cheek and collides it together into an explosive myriad constellation, an overwhelming universe that barely begins to abstract the way your unfathomable soul works. It is you: ad infinitum, deathless, enraptured. And me stumblingly trapped in the middle of it all, mere insensible creature hysterically perplexed by your stark impossibility. Dare I ask…dare I ask you why…why this is and should never be? And if I do—god help me if I do—

WOULD IT EVEN MATTER TO HAVE EXISTED AT ALL?


[ Π. ]

“ᴡʜᴀᴛ’s ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ sᴀʏ?
ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴀʀᴇ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ɪғ ɪ sᴛᴀʏ
sᴏ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ɢᴏᴏᴅɴɪɢʜᴛ
sᴏ ʟᴏɴɢ ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏᴏᴅɴɪɢʜᴛ
ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ? ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ?
ᴄᴀɴ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ
ᴡᴇ’ʟʟ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ ᴡʜᴇɴ ʙᴏᴛʜ ᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀs ᴄᴏʟʟɪᴅᴇ…”


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Filed under Prose

A Happy Kind Of High

I know that there’s no dealing
With the way I’m feeling
I’m so out of touch with everyone 
And everything’s a blur to me…

~*~

I’m super high on happy

The dopamine nearly kills me

Bouncing like an excited puppy

Smiling wears me all the way to revelry

Slightly crazy, mostly high

But right now I’m too stupid to die

I may have ditched the walk to town

But playing sour notes won’t get me down

I could talk about love all day

But don’t get me wrong, ‘cause it’s easier to say

Than to complain about my cold coffee

The sugar tastes sweet, laughing over candy

I’ll never be royal and I don’t wish for gold

But I just don’t want to do as I’m told

I might have missed another point

But keep your eyes off me until you appoint

Life in blue and colour-coded pastel

The empty picture frames I have can go to hell

I may be tired, but there ain’t nothing to it

And I won’t stare and quietly sit

Because I love songs that scream, songs that dream

Songs with titles ripping at the cover’s seams

I love songs that I can dance to at the top of my lungs

And songs that don’t make any sense, I won’t leave them unsung

Made in America, from Houston to California

A wild party in Baltimore, childish theme parks in Florida

From Australia to England, each road and tour a trip

For each minute I walk and listen, ain’t anything I’d skip

I’m dizzy and frisky on this unfamiliar feeling

My hands raised in devil signs, my feet touching the ceiling

I’m confused, almost passing out from hysteric serotonin

But still I want more, enough to take me all the way to heaven

I’m super high on happy, and I will write a million words

About my eccentric thoughts in this square-cut world

Because I may be sad all the time, but that doesn’t mean

That I’m not allowed to have fun, and in the rarest times that I do

It’s more than what I need to carry on and crave life again.

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Filed under Poetry

Frenemy

i’m so confused

as to whether

i should hate you

for your little trivialities

up for dissection

or like you for

the bigger picture of

the friend with which

i could share every emotion.

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Filed under Poetry

Viridian Gaze

You have the warmest eyes of glittering jade

And scintillating sparkles of asterism emeralds

But, more precious than any gemstone made

Because it holds motley stories yet to be said…

.

It’s like the chartreuse grass by my ankles

Tickling my every giggling whimsical fancy

Sluggish summer, in the bright farm fields

On a soft valley of lush growth and verdancy

.

It’s like a fractal ray of the mellowest sunlight

Passing through a crystal glass of absinthe

Little green fairy floating ever so daintily

Flowing into your liquid fragile pair of iris

.

It’s like that little hint and sharp tang of lime

That rests ever nicely on my pink tongue

Or a lone dark olive that’s left at the bottom

Of an empty martini glass at an after-hours run

.

It’s like hot tea served on a bleak rainy day

Relaxing your frazzled brittle gloomy nerves

Or a refreshing sweet mint to cool the mouth

And to soothe your twitchy broken words

.

It’s like a bright shamrock-splashed parade

On Saint Patrick’s Day, filled with sheer fun

And as lucky as a picked four-leaf clover

And as happy as a dancing ginger leprechaun

.

It’s like frothy waves of seafoam splashed

By the shores of a desolate sunset beach

And the message in a bottle that it washes up

Just a quaint mysterious unopened treat

.

A beautiful colour of balance, growth, a colour showing creativity and creation

Green shades clashing, entwining, dotting flecks of brown, grey, and hazel

No wonder I lose myself in depths of new worlds, lost in limerent emotion

When I catch myself in your viridian gaze and into your prismatic green eyes I stare.

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Filed under Poetry

:)

Dive in, take a breath
Blow the smoke through the hole in my chest
Still choking on the bed
Found your waste while the ember red
Keeps falling down and burning holes…

~*~

I guess I’ll just keep on smiling…

With my pained chest constricting, relapsed into hyperventilating

My befuddled demented mind left all dizzy, my vision broken and blurring

Shivers run down my back constantly, knotted stomach a dull weight

Goosebumps dotting my sickly skin, silver tears threatening to break

.

Gloomy noose unraveled and left lying on the cold slick floor

Dried bloodstains blotting the carvings of the solid oaken door

Deep dents left by wounded knuckles on the laughing white wall

A ringing phone’s shrill voice screams for attention, an unanswered call

.

Dark circles and sunken eyes disguised with a thick colourful mask

Shaking voice strengthened easily by a swig on a whiskey flask

Crimson scars covered with haute couture fashion and coats

Pallid complexion barely recognisable under that false fervid glow

.

It’s careless, it’s thoughtless, for they all think me as flawless

I’d try to convince them otherwise, but I reckon it’s just pointless

With no means to eject this deadly toxin, no catharsis as a cure

This poison further contaminates me, putrid sludge seeping my soul pure

.

I’m way past my breaking point, but no one would ever expect me to crack

For they perceive me as just a wall of solid steel, a shell of stoic block

So for now don’t break your character, me, and don’t fall down crumbling

Just suck it all in, it’s nothing, I’m okay…I guess I’ll just keep on smiling.

: )

~*~

I know that it’s not safe here
You did this to yourself but have no fear
Just hold your breath and swim under…

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Filed under Poetry

Leidenschaft

On my soul, its destructive havoc is wreaking

Putting my heart through pillars of hellfire

Why does the sordid pain feel so amazing

And sheer part of emptiness my only desire?

Living deadlocked in a poisonous addiction

Sanity no longer under my personal jurisdiction

The anathemic power of human emotions

Making me lust for the acidic taste of perdition.

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Filed under Poetry

Dolorous Decadentia

Is your heart singing out of tune?
Are your eyes just singing the blues?
Dirty records from another time
Some bloodstains on your shoes…

~*~

LOVE

Lonely, some are, looking desperately for a lifetime companion

Others may care not for their contagious desolation

Voices of sound reason becomes whispers of absolute treason

Everyone seems to fall on their knees, limerent to a faux ecstasy of a season.

~*~

ROSE

Rampaging against these tidal waves of cruel thorns

Over and under, on my rough skin the crisscrossing wounds are newly-born

Some blood may be shed, some injuries may never come to a complete close

Every pain matters not when I finally reach the single, beautiful red rose.

~*~

FORM

For this waltz of desecration and dignity, hold your chosen lover tight

Odalisque charm or sincere soul, harbinger of darkness or provider of light

Rays of heartless romance that pierce your flickering, faltering health

May your one last dance with life be graceful as you get pulled away by death.

~*~

STAR

Sharpened double blades of luminary constellation

Truculent tempers in a supernova, anger that causes exhilaration

Arrivals and fluxing of colour and chrome, radiant from afar

Relieve the moments when I felt dim and yet you still made me a star.

~*~

JINX

Je ne sais quoi, that’s how my doubtful, errant feelings felt at first

In times whenever I catch your sight, my heart seems to achingly thirst

Now I know the cold truth though, that I was poisoned with a with a diluted love liquid

Xenophilia was nothing but a desensitised lie that you set up for my emotions so insipid.

~*~

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Deflated Heart

Words can be nails that drive in deep

Don’t hurt yourself; proceed with caution

For your chest may be made of very tough steel

But your heart’s a fragile rubber balloon.

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Filed under Poetry

Automaton

Somehow, inexplicably

My entire being feels very heavy

As if lead was coursing through my veins

And my organs have been replaced with steel

Maybe that’s why I feel

That I’ve lost contact with my emotions and my will

Is because I’ve been upgraded into an automatic machine

Just another cold wind-up robot with no full grasp of living.

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Filed under Uncategorized