Tag Archives: emotions

Let’s Talk About Not Talking About It

Well I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said
I’m telling it straight ’cause it might be the only chance I get
Just shut up, just shut up, would you stop telling me who I am?
I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said…

~*~

Some people find it really easy to write about themselves.

I respect them for that. For being able to express innermost thoughts and more private sentiments in articulate ways, and for having that certain imbued capability in their writings where other people could read their catharsis and be able to feel all their emotions, sympathise with their plights, and look at the world in another perspective, in their own personal perspective. Of course, even if they can’t exactly relate to whatever situation that person is caught up in, they could still nod their head understandingly, dole out some hopeful dime-a-dozen platitudes, and perhaps even offer some needed advice to them, just as normal human beings should.

Whenever I attempt to write about myself, my life, or my current feelings, I tend to drown it in cryptic nuances and fuck-all metaphors that are so incredibly twisted to the point where even I don’t find any sense in it anymore. That’s why I’m more adept with poetry than prose, and why I find music to be the most therapeutic outlet for myself, above anything else. And also why I hate the shit out of essays and formal writing so much. But in the rarest blue-moon times when I try to abandon that sort of familiar style and write something that’s concise and straight to the point, in simple words that are the closest to the truth, it always makes me so disgusted with myself because I always sound like I’m whining too much and making such a big deal out of nothing. And even then, I couldn’t help but add way too much labyrinthine sentences and complicated head-scratching quips to sugarcoat the naked ugliness of it all. Case in point, this very write-up itself. Sweet irony to further press the point.

I’ve always found it difficult to talk about myself. I don’t know exactly what what happened to me that made me turn out to be this way, but whenever I try to open up, a million desperate hands pull me back inside as a thousand alarm bells seem to scream and flash red lights inside my head, all of these, all at once, giving me a major dose of anxiety that takes a long while to wear off. I never know how to be completely honest without feeling awkwardly uncomfortable, and vice versa, it’s a great struggle for me when people start getting too real and personal with me. I tend to be a very secretive person, and I’m not a great support to come running to when you got problems and need to talk it out, because I’ll probably just intensify the headache that you already have and turn it into a full-blown migraine. Trust me, some of what-unsurprisingly-scant friends I have can testify for that fact in front of a court jury with both their hands on the bible.

(But on the plus side, being a secretive person also means that I’m basically Fort Knox when it comes to keeping the secrets of other people, so…redemption??)

I try my very best to be comforting and truthful when times call for it, but somehow, I could never completely shake off that vague feeling of uncertainty, that constant nagging voice at the very back of my mind that tells me that I’m doing something wrong, or tells me that I’m not doing enough, or tells me that I’m fucking overcompensating, or whatever stupid made-up issues it has with my attempt to act like a decent human being. I’ve always just found it easier to repress everything, every difficulty and emotion that’s going on in my overwhelmed mind, to simply keep it all to myself no matter how dire it is, rather than to bother anyone else with it, and I’ve always found it easier to keep people at a ten-foot pole’s length with acerbic witticism and sarcastic dismissals, because when they get too close, someone would always get hurt, and it always ends in a devastating fallout.

To put it shortly, I don’t know how to be empathetic. And I don’t know how to make people empathise with me. Up to now, I’ve always convinced myself that it was my biggest strength.

But perhaps…it just might be my greatest weakness.

~*~

I know I have issues
But I don’t need to hear it coming from you
It’s something that I’ll work through
The beating of my heart’s not stopping anytime soon
It’s not stopping anytime soon…

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Filed under Prose

sad talk

it’s quite nice

to be depressed

when you have

nothing to say

for motivation

is a madness

and its agony is

the price you pay.

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Filed under Poetry

Marital Machines

Tell me now, I know
That it just won’t stop
You will find your flow
When you go robot…

~*~

For now I’ll question what this is about

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

Our system was complex, a tangle of red wires

You refused to be binary, a programmed liar

.

For now I’ll stall my grinding clockwork mouth

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

And I’m s-s-stuttering my computed convictions

When you’re switching, wasting my prior restrictions

.

For now I’ll stifle my careful calculated pouts

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

Tongues pour crude oil and sugar, but not a sound

I can sense this l-l-love affair is a battleground

.

For now I’ll withhold all my [g]oogled doubts

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

I’ll update you on the latest version of your l-l-lies

And the experts say I don’t hurt, just byte

.

For now, my high voltage CPU overheats a lot

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

My visual goggles seem to be badly leaking

Your accusatory fingers are clicking and p-p-pointing

.

For now I’ll plug into a safer route

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

You were wired with implanted ab-ab-abjudications

You called me nuts and bolted with geared emotions

.

For now I’ll s-s-steal some pixelated 8-bit clouts

Let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

Your sloppy affections at the wrong time, the wrong place

I’ll retrieve my composure, desire your asphyxiated grace

.

For now I’ll be speaking boldly, volume rising aloud

L-l-let’s talk it out, let’s talk it out

My word stream is unstable, a data-mosh of praying

Perhaps you’ll have the sanctum’s version 0.1 aging

.

For now I’ll signal an alarming blowout

Let’s talk it out, let’s t-t-talk it out

You were electric, and you overloaded my circuits

But technicalities aside, you were but a v-v-virus

.

For now, for now, you won’t backup, and my process is going south

L-l-let’s talk it out, let’s t-t-talk it out, le-le-let’s t-t-talk it o-o-out

Analysis shows I can take your micro cheap tricks no longer

Warning! Data error! System failure! Shut down or recover?

.

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H0n—h.o.n.e.y.-°-°-°1011€{&¢f×n+c=k^¥↑% [ /?DATA RECOVERY FAILURE¿ Please try again_.]

~
I want to thank you
And spank you upon your silver skin
Robots don’t care where I’ve been
You’ve got to choose it to use it
So let me plug it in
Robots are my next of kin…

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Lost In Translation

I changed your mind
And ended up here
Through stained glass eyes
And colourful tears…

~*~

Charlotte, your smile is the cure to this world’s corrupted poison

Playacting a fun circus funambulist on the taut wire of the horizon

Watching bystanders afar mistake your firestorm hair for the sun

Coalescing tangerine bleeding in the sunset as you giggle and run

Verdigris eyes like gemstones strung in trinkets of shooting stars

In flora, fauna, radiation, biohazards, you’re the life birthed in a war

.

Charlotte, solemnly count the myriad of scintillating jaded stars

Drop another missing wish in your drained aromatic perfume jar

Hazy reverie of the dusk falling fast like the lustrous tears you cry

Days twirling by rapidly like the icy sapphire pinwheels in your eyes

Ballgown of crystalline chandeliers piercing your blanched pale skin

Hair as fuliginous as deepest midnight, yet not darker than your sins

.

Charlotte, are you madly sickened by humanity’s posthumous maladies?

Fatigued of transgressions decimated, tired of your evanescing affinities

Wandering barefooted, castaway within an endless forest of barbed wires

Incarnadine-shaded shadows and lethality spreading quickly like wildfires

Blur of scathing thorns and roses, blades and blood, tantrums and taigas

Lead argentine in pupils, a milky film, akin to the scarcely-refulgent Luna

Chagrined howls resonating, pained tribulations bouncing off to nowhere

Bristling umber fur in wary alarm, not a single person would tread or dare

.

Charlotte, is your cold heart simply too debilitated to even continue to beat?

In the fahrenheit of your tepid body no longer producing warmth and heat?

The breeze grooms your cobweb hair, periwinkle glances, sharp lightning

Gothic lolita skirt hiked around your sepulchral waist, frigid tranquillising

But those polychromatic butterfly wings will not be able to soar for long

And crumble to motheaten ashes as rain pours, petrichor your death song

.

Charlotte, this newly-borne world is still quite juvenile, a universe fresh and young

So don’t waste your cavalier youth pausing, counting the fine rays of the glaring sun

Don’t rake the precipitating autumn leaves, lest you dance in the hurricane of burgundy

Fragile fallen foliage coloured like your amber eyes, that encase a frozen-over galaxy

Charlotte, your world’s revolving frenetically, like an uncontrollable carnival carousel

Reds and blues and horses and carriages, locked in a vertigo of a dizzying identity spell

Your lemonade locks billowing by the sea air, spinning deliriously until you feel unwell

Do you still even know who you are anymore Charlotte, or is my beloved angel hopelessly lost in hell?

~*~

Fine, maybe I’ll pretend right now
But I swear to god
I’m gonna change the world
And I promise you
Someday we’ll tell ourselves
Oh my god this is paradise…

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Filed under Poetry

Will Graham

Once peaceful in isolation

Will, are you sure you’re okay?

You don’t seem at all fine

When Jack told you to go play

.

Did Jack push you over too far

And made you stumble over?

Did Alana take your choked heart

And pluck it like a four-leaf clover?

.

Are you still dreaming noises?

What has happened to your head?

Did you listen to the mad voices?

Did you follow what they said?

.

Has your time run out for you?

Grains of sand off the hourglass

But the devil didn’t want you to know

Psychiatrist peppered in stardust

.

Are you over with this mad game?

Cat and mouse with Mr. Lecter

Checkmate sets the King aflame

But he moves both sides of the picture

.

Why did you let Jack control you?

Why did you let Mr. Lecter fool you?

Will, now what seems to be the matter?

Is your sanity crumbling like Graham crackers?

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Filed under Fandom Poetry, Poetry

Unravelling Lullaby

She paints in grey, she closes her eyes
Till fireworks and palm trees almost look alike
She looks up to me and whispers
“I won’t be here in a year…”

~*~

The twist of fate unravels, stitches of a life once so twizzled

As two souls were dancing against the beating rain and drizzle

Onto the soft night’s calm, phantom piano playing Debussy

Lively bright tunes mingling with darker whispers of secrecy

.

Isabelle twirls playfully and fiddles with her flowered hair

Laughing politely at first and asking for stories and silly dares

But vulnerable here in the open fields, she dares not anymore to lie

And starts sobbing harshly against the tinkling music box lullaby

.

The shadows held her closer, the stars wept silver stardust

Sprinkling glitters everywhere, beautiful tears of care and trust

Vespertine symphony plays, and their shattered hearts were mended

And the barbed wires that choked their bruised necks were also slowly unraveled.

~*~

…Isabelle hides so I could find my way
I’d give anything just to surround your dreams…

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Filed under Poetry

Va Te Faire

Endless causeless concessions and contrivances

Coming from such a bloodsucking little pest

Tearing down my already-crumbling defence

And annoying me with your mere existence

.

Toying constantly with my fucked-up emotions

While simply thinking “Hey, it’s all in good fun”

Ignorant fool with such an innocent notion

Don’t you see you are already breaking someone?

.

I, for my part, always learned to hold my tongue

Before I snap and do some irreversible harm

Sociopathic manipulator filled with poisonous spite

Just because you can’t feel human love, it doesn’t give you the right.

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Filed under Poetry

Both Sides of Polarity

Why won’t I try

To kiss the rain

I jump so high

To taste the pain

.

I love to rage

Against the current

Towed tides with age

Sand so abhorrent

.

I’m snow, I’m warmth

I’m dunes and hail

I’m love and harm

I’m burnt so pale

.

Make me happy

I don’t really know

Change melancholy

Erratic rage it grows

.

I’m down when I’m up

And up when I’m under

Change chemicals a lot

Emotions unstable like weather.

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Filed under Poetry

Sightless Eyes

Speckled fog arising on sunset dunes

Heavy hearts arose by cloudy tunes

Windows give way to the roseate shade

As velvet colours flicker and fade

Arcs of lambent souls at the hem

Bouncing off my sobriquet diadem

Sightless eyes, I stood in the middle

Never seeing much but always feeling emotions triple.

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Filed under Poetry

Magnifying Glass

It may be highly useful, detective

For when you solve crimes for your own personal art

But just how much would it help in your observation

In solving a human’s heart?

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Filed under Fandom Poetry, Poetry