Tag Archives: empty

outside looking in

i am the

opposite

of empty

because

everything

is within me

and nothing

is going on

outside…

and i all i

want to do is

to turn myself

inside out.

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Pantomime

I put myself in someone else’s heart

And it didn’t beat, no, it didn’t beat at all

My soul’s uncomfortable from twisting

And turning, trying to fit in the desperate crawl

The insecurities taste as heavy as substances

Making my open veins cough up less blood

I just don’t believe in myself as much as I should

And doubts weigh me down when I’ve had

A step away from my eyes and into empty shoes

Which squeaked when I wore them, the laces loose

And the soles were worn down from these miles of walking

I may have gone the distance but I didn’t do the talking

I’m no longer genuine, just as diamonds are always fake

Covering up for my mortalities with graver mistakes

And pretending I wasn’t me, for once I don’t know

What the parts of my anatomy were, how everything goes

The self-hatred whispers things I don’t want to have thought

And my mama tells me I’ve always been what I’m not

Head a mess, anxiety regaled in fanfare intuition

They say life’s not fair without a taste of contradiction

But I’m just trying to regain what I once lost with my pen

Discover all the stories I missed making amends again

I put myself in someone else’s heart, and it didn’t beat at all

But mine only started to breathe when I let myself answer the call.

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Would You Turn Me On?

You took what you wanted
You got it, you know it
I’m haunted by everything that you gave me
You made me, you broke me, you saved me
I’m crazy, but I’m not done…

~*~

It doesn’t make sense to breathe

When the air is dry and stuffy

Hit my head against the bed when

You said you will never give me

What I want is what you need

So I spend my days counting greed

Breaking my backbone just to fix

Your hurtful words in fragile sticks

So if I’m right, then just blame me

And if I’m wrong, turn to punishment

But if there’s another chance for you

To forgive, I won’t hold confident

Because it doesn’t make sense to leave

When I’ve got nowhere else to go freely

Hit the road when all you have said

Are promises you could never give me.

~*~

So when you gonna give it up?
You’re giving me such a rush…
Just another pretty face
But I want one more taste…

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Lost Paradise

In my young boyhood—should it thus be given
T’were folly still to hope for higher Heaven!
~Dreams; Edgar Allan Poe

~*~

A shot of nepenthe lay waste to ruin

What might have been a clandestine heaven

With dreams that gazed upon the yonder

Of mysticism, limerence, and wonder

Altercations, though idyllic its lambency

Spare nephilim hearts and exquisite reverie

Wherefore doubt may have and doubt may be

Upon befallen tears of quiet syncope

Empty grave rather dreamless, hellfire cold

Rose above rampant flames that scourge the soul

This solitude threats me more than mercy

Lost in the spirits upon a past that never shall be

Yet, still I lay my hands upon dark lilac skies

Wishing for a memory that even seraphs dare defy

A sip of nepenthe lay waste to overtaken

What never was and never shall be my secret heaven.

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Needle and Thread

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
I’m shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches…

~*~

It’s all I can do to move past the stark vitriol and hurt

When you dragged me backwards teeth-first, down into the dirt

Like it even mattered which side you and I were even on

Because in the end, I always lost—and you always won

My mouth was full of roses when you started to bleed

Inject the venom straight in my veins, isn’t that what you need?

The morphine leaves my eyes dry and my heart feeling numb

But the side effects were fatal, my breaths tried not to succumb

To the excruciating pain everywhere that refused to wear off

When I kicked back on withdrawals, I screamed my throat rough

I begged it all away for the sake of a higher intake glucose

But the saline dripping turned to rivers of a medicated overdose

Are you satisfied now, medical man, after all that you’ve done?

Should’ve smothered my face with a pillow instead, it’s easier to flatline

But you fooled me into liking torture, even got the signature for my consent

So I can’t blame your hospitality for drowning me under hard cement

Now it’s all I can do to bandage my wounds and lick on the healing pain

Sew my unraveling stitches until empty black holes are all that ever remain

And it never mattered which side was playing the victor and the victim

Because in the end, you will never lose—and I will never win.

~*~

I’m tripping over myself
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches…

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summer stasis

Well, I guess I could
Sell some nice things
Or write about how good
My life’s been…

~*~

empty pages

being held hostage

by the sweltering wind

of six years spent

without any due journey

or any further recourse

.

i want to change

to arrest new adventures

with the tip of my pen

but, it seems, another year will go

with me complaining about

nothing but being bored.

~*~

Maybe I should drop it
Pick a different subject
Maybe it’s deliberate
If it’s lacking substance…

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eau de cologne

swathes of perfume—

a familiar scent in the storm

bewildered by wonders

and shadows on the dictaphone

renegade tears; again

they surround charlatan hearts

in sounds of scissor envy

the wineglass is fermented sour…

time vanishes into aether.

the threadbare tale of old lovers

bloom on daybreak scorch

akin to an elaborate kaleidoscope

incinerating infinite galaxies.

your anarchy is no longer ghastly

and the oasis of the cityscape

blinks out in a mosaic, one by one

as i quell my febrile miasma

and twist sullen on my empty bed

your form outline is long gone—

but your lingering fragrance remains.

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Self-Esteemed

Well, I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer, the more it shows
You really care, right?

~*~

“I hate myself.”

She proclaims with

A lethal smile that stung

Like poured alcohol

And it burned going down

Her twisted throat just as much

.

“I wish you didn’t.”

Replied no one with

A deadly silence that drowned

Like an empty ocean

And the pressure crushed

Her bleeding lungs just as much.

~*~

Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay, man, ’cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay ’cause I got no self-esteem…

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Qualms of the Divine

You took my hand and then we both started running
Both started running, there’s no place to go
Another bullet and we both started running
Both started running too; save yourself, don’t ever look back
Nowhere to go and so we both spin around in circles…

~*~

The returning memories, they hurt me

Again I’m left feeling like a total wreck

I never thought that I would ever miss

Every other reason I didn’t even expect

.

My life was a joke, but you have turned it into art

There was nothing keeping me from falling apart

But the rains withdrew to show a different painting

Of serotonin and gaslight, lighting up a cold ending

.

This is all yours to promise, and all yours to take back

My poems have turned to cinders, the ashes sift to black

But be the lapse in my rationality, be the lacuna I ache for

These memories, they haunt me, but saturate me with colour.

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Native Tongues

How can they say that it’s one way
When it’s the opposite?
And how can they know the end
Of the story before I tell it?
‘Cause when I walk, your feet
They fall to the same beat
Or maybe we’re from two different worlds…

~*~

We used to be the epitome of mindless materialism

Taking apart brick and coin for a little inkling of fun

We talked away in circles, but never in infinity signs

But it didn’t last forever ‘cause we both wanted to die

.

For I never understood why you didn’t ever understand

Until we’re left with empty voices and mismatched hands

I translated it all wrong, you decoded nothing but misery

We spoke in undecipherable tongues, so now we’re history

.

Why did we waste such eloquent words on each other’s lies?

Breathing out sombre songs that never synced the beat right

Wrought desiccated eyes with apertures that flashed blindly

And we set out separate restrictions from the cold apologies

.

We turned back but never forward and we took a couple steps

Too far until we hit the brick walls, this was far beyond any help

How could we plead that it was one-way, intersections opposite

When the fault was a double-edged tongue talking about bullshit?

.

But behind this dead mess, I do admit I enjoyed all the endless chaos

Riding the hurricane with you, and making my own cyclone at a loss

I wish you the same, and let me say I hope you don’t regret and think

Don’t forget the secrets we shared when our native tongue goes extinct.

~*~

We talk to people
But they never understand
They think we’re crazy
‘Cause it sounds like noise to them
Ain’t it strange, all the things you hear
When you sit and listen?

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