Tag Archives: fake

write and wrong

i’m a liar

and a faker

and i just can’t

say it straight

hide behind

this wall of words

and you can’t

read me so you

would hate

how quite vexing

i am, when i

think i speak so

honestly profound

and i preach

unholy gospels

like another

nameless sound

make a story

with a soft landing

like that would

help the blow

but all it does is

pretend i’m not

dying, that heaven’s

the place to go

i’m a liar

and a faker

i don’t know how

to be sincere

and i wish i could

change myself

but i blurred the

lines too much

to return into clear.

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first act, insanity; next stop, recovery

“I never meant to hurt nobody
I never meant to hurt you, no, no…”

~*~

acrid laughter is ringing in my ears

good-natured, perhaps, to them

but the sound pierces like twisted barbed wires

straight through the caliginous corners

of my teeth, bared like a regurgitated heart

and almost—if not just as—crimson

as the fucked-over severity in my demented head

but sometimes it feels good to simply pretend

that the banter is a little less than risque

and i let my agitation be fooled…what an idiot.

as i’m sorry plays like a stenographic record

etching deeper grooves in the back of their stares

but never playing the right kind of music

am i screaming a typhoon in your clear day parade?

i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i want to cut it out

i want to cut my fingers open to point it out

and take all the sharp-edged blame all for myself.

but my testy temper rides on the flexible bullet

severely mutilating this nascent entertainment

that masqueraders and pantomimists have played

for the melancholic, esoteric, plastic actor

and you insisted on applause and receptivity

despite my initial protests against it all

for i am not your contagious chemistry audience

but i surrender my scab blood to you anyway

and keep clapping on and on until my hands fall apart

like a marionette’s lamenting swan song;

like this borrowed skin that sheds itself as we speak.

their laughter is mutating into vicious sneers

stabbing like blunt edges of a mangled fountain pen

and making me grit my shattered teeth—

your fogged-over eyes interpreting it as a smile

amused, but i’m simply bemused by my endurance.

i’m tired. i’m tired. i’m so fucking tired.

of the teasing testing taking terrors tampering

with my dysfunctional mood, its revolution ever retrograde…

it’s not your fault. did i ruin your sunshine again?

i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.

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killjoy

Every minute that you scream
Before the errant scars
And the dying stars

Every second that you take
To fake your life…

~*~

smile it out

and feel the pain

another word

to your disdain

you stupid kid

who wants to hear

about your aches

about your fears?

so stick it out

and feel their joy

you’re just a tool

you’re just a toy

take the blame

avoid the conflict

your wretched name

is never worth it

did they buy the act?

another great dare

you could be truthful

but who would care?

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just a little more for overdose

My mind is wide asleep, my conscience deep awake 
The promises I keep are not the ones I make 
I count the caustic causes, I lost count of regrets 
A surplus of good intentions, don’t provide me with content 
All I want is just a little content…

~*~

my mother

has a secret stash of valium

and i want to find it

and drink it all

to keep myself from

impulsively banging my

migraine-shot head

into the wall

and possibly haemorrhage

because she doesn’t believe me

that i am in pain

i’m in pain.

and it’s not just physical

but if it doesn’t show

in thermometers and bruises

that must mean

i’m faking it

to get out of class

because what sane person

wouldn’t want to feign

being suicidal for such petty reasons?

i’m breathing heavily,

ragged cries echoing hollowly

on the bathroom tiles, and

my feet are shivering

from stepping on the wet floor

for too long, but i can’t run away.

i try to make up my mind,

waiting for the spots of blood

to catch in my ivory soap

but instead the tears beat them to it.

it hurts it hurts IT HURTS

i want to scream

but my younger sister is still eating her

breakfast obliviously outside,

most likely wondering

why the hell

i have been silent

for more than 30 minutes now

i hope she thinks i’m dead.

i hope i wish i’m dead.

i’m waiting for her to leave already

so i could tiptoe out

of the bathroom

and get a new pair of metal smiles

goddamnit, she better hurry up.

meanwhile, my mother is ready to shove

the wall clock down my throat

and shriek at me that

i’m already running late

i know she wants me dead.

I know i want to be dead.

and of course, she blames me

for staying up to do

the only thing i can do

to try to just fucking stay alive

better to be dying inside

than to waste my cold future

and skip a day of class

(as if i have a future at that point)

i don’t have to be a liability

to her, to any of them, right now

and this sickness was

my own undoing,

i was clearly asking for it.

i’m guilty

of what i know

but not of what i did

to myself or them

but for what i did even though

i have what i need alone

…i’m fucking weak,

i know already.

and to think that i actually

cared for these bastards

once or even twice

in my life—how disgusting.

my mother

has a secret stash of valium

that she’s probably

knocking down

all at once to keep from

impulsively slamming

my migraine-shot head into

the pristine white walls

because she thinks that i’m a liar

and since i guess i am…i fucking believe her

just as much as she believes

that i am in pain.

i’m in pain.

~*~

I choose the beaten path, I’ve been to where it leads 
Why I keep coming back, a mystery to me 
I found what I’ve been seeking, it’s too late for me to care 
My aspiration’s leaking from a hole I can’t repair 
Maybe I just don’t want it repaired.

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Halo Blue

We tore our phones to shreds
We didn’t answer nothing
To all friends and family, lost or dead
I couldn’t get much sleep
You lost your self in mine
It couldn’t get much worse…

~*~

Systematic shutdown, and one by one my optimism closes

You pulled the plug on the starlight that keeps me awake

I may not be in my melting point, but I’m still a hot-lead mess

I think I’d rather stay dead than to keep my tongue fake

.

There’s nothing else I would feel if not for our blue hair bet

But mine is deep ocean dark, yours is a bubblegum ice cream hue

Even if we blended together, we can’t ever be a scarlet sunset

Does that mean we should just stop trying? I say it’s all up to you

.

I’m usually full of shit, but I like you and I don’t like anyone, hey

You’re one of my favourite few, and if I were well-versed, I could say

That my eyes are only four glimpses away from reaching your sun

But I’m not, so I guess all I can say is a cliche point-blank ‘you’re fun’

.

Fine, it’s not all about me and my sadness, but I don’t have to care

I’ve been withholding my cries for help ever since I discovered it was there

I might not be cool enough for your cult, but I wanna join the club

Of the haters asking for another lobotomy and demented idiots equally in love

.

With this systematic shutdown’s taking over, one by one my cynicism closes

And you pulled out the wires and circuits to turn off the stars that burned into my sleep

I don’t think I’m thinking straight from thinking about your thoughts all the time

But I would rather stay down than to keep lying to myself about what I can take and keep.

~*~

I think I’ll die obsessed
Let’s give up fighting back
You don’t need to grip the best
Because we’re lucky people
And you’ll never have to sleep alone…

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Primal Fear

I can’t escape myself
So many times I’ve lied
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself…

~*~

I can’t last, can’t escape

My bloodshot eyes can’t tell

I can’t love, but can hate

Cage the animal in eternal hell

.

I tried to let go of the knife

In the past, when it was dark

But the nightmare in my life

Can’t be tamed with a mark

.

I can’t last, can’t escape

My bloody hands hang limp

I can sleep but can’t wake

Burn the beast when it sinks

.

I have tried to shake off

All the voices in my brain

But the screams and scoffs

Causes an eternal migraine

.

I can’t last, can’t escape

All the blood has exited my body

I can’t fake, I can’t take

Bury the creature in the cemetery.

~*~

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
And we believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
And we believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal…

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Entertainment on the 411

Give me a break ’cause I can’t take
Another second, you’re a fucking headache
I ain’t got time to change your mind
How can I move you when you’re stuck in your ways…

~*~

Crawl on your knees and fake a breakdown

In front of me, ‘cause you’re just so adept at that

What you believe is an unpopular opinion

You make me want to spit on my open-wound slats

Just for fun, and then do it again

.

Don’t tell me that this cruelty was what I needed

But sure enough, everyone needs a fucking lie to lead

And if you can’t fix me, hold my head underwater

Cut me open with your tongue, maybe then I’ll feel better

Just for fun, and then do it again

.

If it’s a carousel, it’s spinning without gravity

If it’s a rollercoaster, I won’t hold on to the metal bars

Fling me into open space, not wide enough to contain your insanity

Because if this life is a cheap-thrill ride, then fuck it sweetheart

But I’m afraid that you won’t be going too far

Just for fun, can we do it again?

~*~

You’ll see it, you’ll see it
And you’ll see it when you believe
Yeah, hell yeah, you make me wanna
Slit my wrists and play in my own blood…

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Haters Gonna Hate: Ultimate Diss Track

Alright, you had your turn

At the spotlight microphone

Yelling names down my ears

For the whole crowd to hear

But now it’s my fucking turn

And you better listen up then

‘Cause I’m about to burn me

Worse than I have ever been

Since everyone’s out to slay

My nasty reputation anyway

I’ll do you (and me) a favour

I’ll roast myself in full colour

So don’t you wish I was dead?

But join the club, it’s growing

Tons more waiting to sign up

And I’m the goddamn president

Because I’m a jerk, a selfish dick

Jerking off like a worthless prick

I never make amends, never work

Get busy on excuses until I choke

I don’t improve, though I degrade

Fuck humanity, screw my grades

It’s my fault I’m an underacheiver

Never reaching my true potential

And I have problems, I complain

But no one wants to hear a thing

They also got crap to deal with

Got no time for whiny bullshit

My attitude gets on their nerves

Who is this loser and his verve?

An attention-seeking infamy slut

Rebellious, stubborn, fucking nuts

Thinking that I did everyone wrong

So I cut off all the communications

It’s all I can do, it’s easier that way

Who wants to live with me anyway?

Because I’m simply damn egotistic

Anxious, narcissistic, so apathetic

I’m depressed, but I can go suck it

Eat my own shit, it’s just pathetic

I’m not so special, I’m not anyone

And I’m just another stupid human

Being cynical, rotting in this reality

Say we’ll die anyway, why be sorry?

And I never think that I’m enough

No self-esteem to even cover me up

Insecurities too deep it never heals

Stifling myself down on how I feel

I’m a chronic liar, two-faced bastard

Performances deserving of an award

I cheat, I steal, I loathe, I’m jealous

Moralities fucked, it’s overzealous

In the end, I’m all talk but no bite

I’m all blind punches but no fight

I’m all write, don’t say what I mean

Sucking on empty hope and dreams

I’m always so harmful and noxious

Think I’m cool but really obnoxious

Hurting the only ones tolerating me

Pushing away all friends and family

And I don’t care for my own being

Even in the sake of any other doing

The fact I’m even writing all of this

Shows how much garbage I could be

I mocked and pissed at myself now

Still I feel it’s inadequate somehow

I’ve got a million profanities to give

And a million more why I shan’t live

But I’ll never change for the better

I simply push my head underwater

Wallowing in such a wretched state

Suffering is grand, it’s fucking great

I’m never alright, and I’ll never be

And the worst part is this self-pity

It’s disgusting, repulsive yet I take

Swallow down every dumb mistake

Never apologetic, always insincere

I’m such a faker, so crucify me here

It’s just another sin up the final tally

I don’t mind, go ahead and blame me

‘Cause I get it, I do, it’s into the ground

Why no one even wants to stick around

Because I’m just a miserable piece of shit

And if I’m this way, then yeah, I deserve it.

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Promises

Forgetting the promises you make
Is how your, your promises easily break
Oh, you sit on your fence and I’ll dig under it
I’ll count my losses and I’ll count my sins
I hope you’ve cleared your mind…

~*~

Promises, promises

Are all they’ll ever be

I heard the same thing

A million times lately

.

Promises, promises

Said you were sincere

But guess I’m to blame

For thinking you’re here

.

Promises, promises

Of vows against blood

Your hand on the devil

When you swore to god

.

Promises, promises

Kept my end of the side

But cheaters will cheat

And the liars always lie

.

Promises, promises

Guess they don’t extend

Cutting ties, and it’s over

Rules were made to bend

.

Promises, promises

Made simply out of need

You’re a bastard for lying

And I was a fool to believe.

~*~

We’re running out of time
We’ve got things on our mind
And things we just don’t like
Who do you want to see?
Who do you want to be tonight?

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melting point

please leave

me alone

i don’t wish to

mould a candle

wax smile,

dripping off into

an ugly shapeless

mass the longer

the fire burns,

and i don’t want

you to get hurt

by its scalding

remains.

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