Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feelings hidden
There is no ease, I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up but
My feelings are fatal…
This much, I know, we will never be alone together.
I couldn’t ever bring myself to attempt to catch up
With you; quietly fearing this trembling uncertainty of
Completely tiring myself down with the futile chase
Only to find out that I arrived in dead-set last place,
So I’ll just allow you to leave me behind instead, as it is.
It just feels like the more happiness you’re getting,
The less of you I could have for myself—and though
I can’t and won’t deprive you of the things you’ve fully
Well deserved for a long time, I also can’t stop
Myself from being such a selfish machine, stupidly
Begging for something far beyond my taut reach,
Inadvertently trapping myself and wailing in anguish
When I have to chew at my own leg just to get out of it—
I just can’t stop myself from giving a damn about you.
But I guess that’s fine. You will never find me out anyway, and
Even if short-lived and shortsighted, I still dearly cherish
What little euphoric glimpses I had of your attention, even
If it meant nothing, I only wish nothing but the very best for you,
And I could only hope that this teaches me a final lesson;
One last acrid pill to swallow, hope I don’t choke this time,
No more. I could only ever endure too much. Please. Not anymore.
The more you feel alive, the more I slowly wither away inside,
But I couldn’t hate you for that. I could never hate you at all…
It’s not your fault I keep fucking losing control of myself.
How many times must I keep it inside
I need to let go and I swear that I’ve tried
But opening up means trusting others
And that’s just too much, I don’t want to bother
So I’ll keep it inside and bury it deep
I know it’s not healthy, but you won’t hear a peep…