Tag Archives: feelings

Needle and Thread

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
I’m shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches…

~*~

It’s all I can do to move past the stark vitriol and hurt

When you dragged me backwards teeth-first, down into the dirt

Like it even mattered which side you and I were even on

Because in the end, I always lost—and you always won

My mouth was full of roses when you started to bleed

Inject the venom straight in my veins, isn’t that what you need?

The morphine leaves my eyes dry and my heart feeling numb

But the side effects were fatal, my breaths tried not to succumb

To the excruciating pain everywhere that refused to wear off

When I kicked back on withdrawals, I screamed my throat rough

I begged it all away for the sake of a higher intake glucose

But the saline dripping turned to rivers of a medicated overdose

Are you satisfied now, medical man, after all that you’ve done?

Should’ve smothered my face with a pillow instead, it’s easier to flatline

But you fooled me into liking torture, even got the signature for my consent

So I can’t blame your hospitality for drowning me under hard cement

Now it’s all I can do to bandage my wounds and lick on the healing pain

Sew my unraveling stitches until empty black holes are all that ever remain

And it never mattered which side was playing the victor and the victim

Because in the end, you will never lose—and I will never win.

~*~

I’m tripping over myself
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches…
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mental block. (3)

***

why did

i say

s o r r y

when

i was not?

***

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mental block. (2)

***

you were a

constellation

but i just didn’t

know how to

connect the dots.

***

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Lie to the Truth

When I started out writing you this song
I was heels over head in love, but you had your doubts
‘Cause it took too long to finally see what I
What I’d been doing wrong…

~*~

My brain no longer contracts

Or twists in circles at the thought

My blood no longer circulates

And my heart fails to leap a beat

.

Oh, this tragedy of fugacious whims

Beating down the numb with too much sense

Compromising to entangle red strings

Hoping that two souls would starve the same

,

But three’s a crowd, and the painful hunger persists

It’s time to throw one or the other to the tides

The way of happy reality is just a sorrowful mystery

As double half-truths last longer than the truth

.

I attempt to convince myself of the erroneous fact

As if that would save the submerging illusion

Pretend I’m not drowning under as I take on water

And hold the hands of the heavyweight elation

.

Feelings disappearing before orion storms wash away

Agitated pulse screaming of kerosene fires and laudanum

Pulling my drifting self behind in a cage of indecision

Before all that I have is confiscated from my faltering eyes.

~*~

We tried to be true but you still loved him so
I’ll keep my distance and lie to the truth
I lie to the truth, I lie to the truth’
Cause you lied to it too…

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a specific kind of hurt

hurtful twinges

filling up every

corner of my

expanding coroner’s

disease; debilitating,

destroying, until

what’s left of me

is nothing

.

hurtful twinges

crashing down every

space of my

suffocating mental

affliction; desperate,

decaying, until

what’s left of you

is nothing.

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amor infirmum

is it my sin

to possess the

only inconvenience

that reveres within

the acrid chambers

of my uncloying heart

creating devastation

with each sacrificed

detonating beat?

.

and is it my sin

to have basked in

the tantamount pains

and pure fulfillment from

which it absconds in

trite outbursts, yet when

all one can observe is

a dilettante vindication?

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choke

it gets

harder to breathe

when you know

that you’re still

alive.

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Saturni Ad Infinitum

~*~

CHANGE OF PACE

To see the clouds dragged down in vain

Another schism pulled away into disdain

An aftershock of cyanide writ in red letters

The austerity banished and again embittered.

~*~

MIKO

Disconnected dissension dwelt in maiden shrines

A lone voice seeks peace in a tempest of rigid design

In precarious erudition and fraudulent disputation

As her ebony tapestry is burned in laureate predilection.

~*~

DELLE PIOVERE

Recherche glistening in rusticated reveries of diamond dewdrops

An avalanche of labyrinthine dreams brimming to the cusp

Illicit, a monochrome heart searches tranquility in the midst of dissonance

Nihilism whispers for each staccato beat, as behind the pale moon, shadows dance in elegance.

~*~

TAKING BACK RED

Notches on the canvas that used to be the purest of white

Now reduced to common insanity, pilfering a virgin sight

Chagrined wish never uttered, held at the back of interface

And hope—against hope, that the ruptures will be erased.

~*~

CHASING FOR A GLIMPSE

Just tell me when you’re down, and we can go downtown

To paint the rain with auburn blues, draw on every smiley face a frown

Just tell me when you’re not alright, and we can stay all night

To pen about storms in chemical black, write until you take back the light.

~*~

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The Other

They’ll never try, they’ll never see
What it’s like to fight, it’s like to be
The other, I am the other
We’ll never hide, we’ll never fear
What it’s like to fight, it’s like to be
The other, we are the other…

~*~

The first dare, the grey stare

You can take me down but I don’t care

The last act, the take-back

I’m more than what you will always lack

.

Because I’m flying until the stars give up

The sky might close in on me but I will never stop

Testing my chemical faith, it may not be in my nature

But I’ll inject it until it feels right, until I feel sure

.

The consume, the in-bloom

You can cut me up but I’ll write my own stitches

The red flag, the white gag

I won’t be constrained by mere gasoline and matches

.

It may hurt me like hell, but my temple stays strong

And I will stay alive even if just to prove them all wrong

They think I’ve lost control, slipped my grasp out of what’s real

But my dreams are more than what they seem, it’s all that I feel

.

The submerge, the great urge

You can tempt me but I don’t need blood to purge

The high-rise, the old lies

I won’t let myself be fooled by those who play nice

.

(The first dare, the last act, the consume, the red flag, the submerge, the high-rise)

Because everything’s just a game, and I was meant to break the rules

And I will play it right, entangled and twisted until I unravel the spool

(The grey stare, the take-back, the in-bloom the white gag, the great urge, the old lies)

I won’t let any of them take me anymore, and I won’t die just to keep score

Because I’m not just a someone, I’m not just anyone, and I will be the other.

~*~

I feel it all, the rise of the fall, pulling me under
With the last breath I breathe
I swear I’ll scream until my lungs burn
I am the other…

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How come no one heard her when she said—?

She doesn’t know she’s beautiful
‘Cause no one’s ever told her so
And the demons that she hides are all she knows
And maybe she can fall in love
With someone in her life that she could trust
And tell her she’s enough
(Will someone tell her she’s enough?)

~*~

How come no one

heard her when she

was screaming in her

bedroom at three in the

morning, scratching madly

at the pristine walls until

her fingernails broke and bled?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

was crying in a bathroom

stall, all the things they threw at

her leaving marks, and all

the ugly names they chanted at

her still ringing violently in her head?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

was slicing and hacking

away at her unhealing skin

so fucking audibly, and when

she slipped on that liquid

and fell with a thud, bruised and

bathed in puddles of dirty red?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

moaned as she rested fitfully

sleep paralysis taking full

control of every recourse

mouthing all the words

to the nightmares, those things

that she’s always left unsaid?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

vomited bile and empty air

kneeling faithlessly in front of the

porcelain god, sharp ribs poking

through her paper chest, even when

she ate nothing the whole day,

with herself she was still disgusted?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

was laughing, singing, and

talking by herself, and striking

up lengthy conversations with the

imaginary friends she made up

and the demons that she wed?

.

How come no one

heard her when she

asked relentlessly for help

begging and pleading, saying

that no doctor nor medicine

could ever cure her, and perhaps

an iota of support and care

for her was all she ever needed?

.

How come no one

heard her when she was already

being so earsplittingly loud

blind eyes and deaf ears

blaming nothing but the victim

“it was her fault” they say

“she should have said something”

but they all ignored her when

she actually piped up

keeping the regret to the very end—

and now she’s silent forever

and all her words went ahead…

tell me, how come no one

heard her until she was already dead?

~*~

Maybe I’m better off dead
If I was, would it finally be enough
To shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I’m better off dead, better off dead!
Did you hear a word, hear a word I said?
This is not where I belong
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…

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