Tag Archives: feelings

frustriert

frustration is

falling off like

stars on the ceiling

against the glow

of the bedroom

i find them crashing

with every light

that blinks out

under its own fire

i bite my tongue

hold my breath

and say i’m a liar

so blame me again

indecisiveness pours

like cement in my nerves

and it’s paralysing

hypnotising, suffocating

every slight verve

i’m holding on

but barely enough

to make a change

confusion ensconces

my heart, comforting

yet quite strange

these emotions are

heavy and overwhelming

like a tantrum storm

and frustration is

winning once again as

i’m drowned in scorn.

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writ[er?]

it’s like

every time

i write,

i keep losing

a part of

myself

until all i’m

doing is

borrowing

and plaigarising

words from

other people’s

emotions.

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letters to s.d.: fragment #1 {lifeline}

To: S.D., West Coast
Southern California
Return address: V.M.J.T.
Tijuana, Mexico

dear s.d.,

i don’t know how to begin,

but I know where it all starts.

it starts with me carving

gold stars on my wrists

and leaving tissues stained

with a beautiful shade of red

sopping over the metal kitchen sink,

glinting a hypnotic silver like

the blade in my trembling hands

…and that’s where it all was

simply supposed to have ended.

but apparently i’m still alive

and instead of wasting my blood

i’ll use the rusty ink to write

to you instead. so, how are you?

i miss the thought of losing you

and your silly uttered promises.

you said you’ll be the catalyst

to my raging cancer, but I’m still

crippled and weak from the fear.

you also told me you’d come to

separate my throat from my own

cold dead hands, but you’re still

missing and I’m still meaningless.

your lies are inebriating, darling.

you keep running circles in my

one-track mind 24/7, 365 days,

but I don’t think of you enough

or otherwise I wouldn’t have

proceeded with painting my

paper skin with rubious liquid

before shredding it to pieces

like any other filthy, disgusting

untoward abstract art deserves.

as my guts twist and untwist like

the grey earphone cords jammed

in my ears, blasting this fucking

world away with fake allegories

of a boulder hard lullaby melody,

and your voice screams the song

that i fell hard for. i’m fully aware

that you were singing it for bella,

not for me, and it’s so bittersweet

yet still I could not help myself

and a blossomed ironic quivering

smile collides against the pain—

fugacious, but for a moment

everything seemed quite normal

(but the moment of normalcy

was ruined by the knife biting

down distractedly on my flesh).

oh, your remedy and memory is

killing me slowly, worse than the

disease. we liked to run our blood

thin, but you divorced this addiction

and turned to singing, rivers calming

your tantrum storms, while I kept

relapsing to the blades that love to

feel, screaming in the showerhead

as scalding water pours and prepares

my temperature for inevitable hell.

i simply cannot help it, darling.

in this purgatory existence, there

are only momentary limbos of a

cumulonimbus paradise, before the

mocking angels snatch it away from

me, out of my reach; and make it rain

glass shards and wasteland debris

to maim my intravenous drugged veins

and they didn’t take you from me;

no, they goddamn dragged you halfway

around the fucking universe to keep

your gospel lips unattainable forever.

this ritual is only my blood sacrifice

to the merciless gods. understand that

this is only my way of returning you back

to the embrace of my lacerated arms that

You have yet to wrap yourself around in.

i’m so sorry this had to be the last resort.

i just want your company to burn me again.

i know that you won’t condone this blasphemy…

but you’re my heaven s.d., so don’t give me hell.

.

don’t let [REDACTED] go, don’t fucking throw [REDACTED] away.

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Concrete Shoes

Cling on tight to loose ends
Claim they’re afraid of them, when I tried to save them
I couldn’t do it; vodka tonic breakdowns
Is twenty really that tiring? ‘Cause lately you’re spiraling…

~*~

I was always terrible at hiding the facts

Trace the letters on your fading palms

Baby, seasons change but bloodstreams don’t

We can’t rewrite the eulogy of the fallen sun

My head contacted the cemented floor

I lost track of my concussions, I lost score

These amber lips beating behind my ribs

Smiling ironically on sapphire tears

I’ve gone for days without any hint of sleep

The ghost of you is counting my sheep

Mornings built on bad nights and brown clay

But I’m not afraid to fall and float away

The meltdown we had was not simply sympathetic

And every flaw was a mordancy melodramatic

The situations to face on clashing conversations

Leading chilly glances and leaving for a “vacation”

But you didn’t have to scream at me when everyone was listening

I’ll forgive but not forget, this concrete rain is so paralysing

I’ve got bricks for shoes, and you were the one who tied the shoelaces

But despite the weight, I won’t sink lower than you, and I’ll finally find peace under the currents.

~*~

(It’s like I’m living with)
Concrete strapped to my feet, tossed out into the sea
Why you gotta scream at me when everyone is listening?
Calm down, you’re waving that gun too fast, you’ve got to breathe
How am I gonna talk to you when I’m wearing bricks for shoes?
Yeah, c-o-n-c-r-e-t-e-e, c-o-n-c-r-e-t-e-e, c-o-n-c-r-e-t-e-e, r-e-t-e-e…

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tremors

i couldn’t

tell if

it’s from

trepidation

or from

anticipation.

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🌹 Red Rose of the Dead 💀

♪Isabelle♪

I fell in love with this song

It struck me in red and blue

I fell in love with your song

And that made me love you.

~*~

× Under the Ice ×

Such tears that pierced my iris

And took away the neon lights

T’were all reduced to nothings

When along with me you cried.

~*~

≈The Sound of a Ghost≈

How can a voice I’d never heard

From the soul I can never yearn

How can a heart I never learned

Make every note and tone burn?

~*~

¡ In the Bronx ¡

The rage, the anger, shredded in

The suicide song written on skin

The interlude of a flamenco beat

Your agony was always my treat.

~*~

♥ Love Will Surely Bring Me Pain ♥

The very first memory out of many

I can still remember how it told me

Of liquid limerence behind the pain

Intertwining screams, love remains.

~*~

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i’m (not) fine, (no) thank you

I won’t pay for sanity
‘Cause I don’t wanna know
Some things are better left alone
But thanks for your concern and calls!

~*~

when you

ask if i am fine,

i spare you

the effort and time

with a nod

and a placid smile

so you are

assured worthwhile

because i

don’t think you will

have a clue

on what you are

going to do

in the event that

i will say

“no, i am not okay.”

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selfish machines

darling, you

lust never to feel

but with that

tortured soul

of yours,

you tragically

never will

darling, you

crave not to feel

a damn thing

but shame

if you don’t,

’cause I love

the songs you sing.

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Hardened Heart and Spectrum Soul

There’s naught but cosmos braided in thine eyes

Might blossoms doth flourish forevermore

Thine fingertips blush with that of surprise

Butterflies lilt from the dress thou hast wore

Yet mourning lips dost bleed red from thine tongue

Might melancholy plague thee nevermore

Thine toes amble amongst jagged shears stung

Bats shrieking from the fabric thou shalt tore

Mistress, must thou allow such perplexments?

Monochrome unto shade predicaments

Yet such soul of mine hath colours to spare

I shall love each grey of your heartstrings fair.

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(stand still)

don’t make

me cry

when you

haven’t even

opened

your mouth

(to sing)

.

don’t wound

my skin

with guitar

strings as a

garrotte

straight away

(i’m dying)

.

don’t break

my lungs

with poison

when you’re

trying to

make me

(feel strong)

.

don’t make

me confused

and weak

as my soul

gains audacity

and epiphany

(don’t say i’m wrong.)

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