i’ve got a rusty crowbar to your arms that says you won’t do a damn thing

Let’s have no sadness, furrowed brow
There’s nothing new in dying now
Though living is no newer
Though living is no newer
And it was written in blood…

~*~

everyone’s doing it

it’s the latest thrill

set up sanity in rivets

for the latest pitiful kill

it makes you special

oh, ain’t you so brave

got miracles to pay for

and sins at the nave

got a little peach mark

and that fool’s little smile

hey trooper, you did it

you’re unique for a while

but blood doesn’t last

and fiction is just fiction

say that it stays forever

as you conjure up emotion

faker than those tears

sweet as your death breath

facade made for bitching

to write about yourself

but hey, get the comedown

and sleep the sorry away

it’s suicide season, baby

and you’re the latest trophy

everyone’s doing it

it’s the latest fucking bore

‘cause what’s a better fashion

than the sleeves you wore?

~*~

Like roses, we blossom then die
Like roses, we fall apart, like roses, we fall apart
Though living is no newer, though living is no newer
It was written in blood on a fucking suicide note
The day before he died…

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Silent Films

For all I know, the best is over
And the worst is yet to come
Is it enough? To keep on hoping
When the rest have given up?
And they go…

~*~

Set the tone to soft sepia and watch me come to life

Like my favourite vintage movies, but silence is optional

I hate to mouth the words but I know that I’m right

And it’s better than to face the music composed in your journal

What you see is what you get, but it’s more than it seems

Amid skylines and downtown fiction, stories of nameless streetcars

I’m waiting under an umbrella, seeing neon signs in rainy grey

Until your clicking red heels arrive to light the pavement up

For the film is never complete without a dazzling star.

~*~

I hate to say I told you so
But they love to say they told me
(Throw me into the fire
Throw me in, pull me out again…)

in which love is just another imagined story by a hopeless writer who has dysgraphia

“and though to my arms you are forever lost,
you are a prisoner in my fantasy.”

~Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz

~*~

you are my sweetest fiction,

conjured, derived from the very ends of

the lacklustre impediment

that is my algid imagination.

light calla lips flushed pleasantly

(though, i may only be imagining it so)

elusive soul a taunting fugitive

(from which i could never hope to catch

with bare hands and bare feet)

cerise smile melting upon liquid gaze

before i then realise—the blood was my own.

missing birthdays, unsent letters

piling into sealed dictionaries upon my oaken desk

and again, i weep the night sky

in the grievous absence of your starlight.

falling, falling; lilies, lilies,

plucked like shimmering innocence

from the skin of my gritted teeth, sighing

irreplaceable—!

though, your divine body is not mine

to ruin and revere relentlessly

under eternal storybooks and lost volumes of

anthologies, the empty pages

all at once interjecting: “impossible?!”

but, is it always so? must my fluttering shyness

be short-lived like your tyranny?

surely we must not always adore the

blinking butterflies, cascading iridescence

billowing solemnly into my reverie—

accidental interruption.

aralias, aralias; painful, painful;

i am to dirty fly as you are to decadent fruit

dragged down rather cruelly into

the ad infinitum of your fiery veneration

and i am unable to twist my words into cathartic

crashing, collapsing, holding it in…

but, i do not mind at all; for i lost mine

the moment you slipped from enthrallment into

the ache of my charismatic sternum,

submerging me in pacific oceans of desire—

enchantingly alluring me into the cozen, shackling confines

of the prison you call your heart.

Log Out

(Part 2. Part 1 can be seen here: https://alostpaintingslaments.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/log-in/)

~*~

PART ONE: CONSOLING

Your life might always feel the same

But you can break the loop yourself

Erase the pain, re-cleanse your name

And I would gladly help

.

So you choose to hide your torturous lies

Adding up to your great collection

Try to muffle up your pain and cries

Thinking you’re the master of perfection

.

Life’s a game that we all play

We all have our trials and struggles everyday

But find the door that leads to happiness

Knock politely, and life will answer with gladness

.

I can still see a bit of hope

Through all the hate and all the mope

I still have all my trust in you

And I really hope you make it too

~*~

PART TWO: STRUGGLING CONTRADICTIONS

Can you hear me now?

God, please listen to my vow

Help me set him free

Restore his faith, help him see

.

On my knees, I take a bow

Please clear his thoughts of all the evil and wrong

The time to end all this is now

He has to face this soon, he must be strong

.

Madness is just a false perception

Escaping is but a mere excuse

Just live your life with no exception

Our worlds will collide, and you can’t afford to lose

.

Stop diving into an unrealistic world

Don’t lose yourself to something fake

Stop fantasizing, that’s so absurd

Don’t just easily believe in something that you make

.

Find the boundary between what’s real and not

Look for the hints, there’s quite a lot

Don’t ever lose to something all made-up

Try to avoid its sneaky hidden traps

.

Don’t lock yourself up for all eternity

Bleeding slowly, in a huge state of misery

Please try stopping this endless falling rain

Instead of just drowning in misery and pain

.

Living your life in such a drastic state

You’ll never achieve anything at this rate

Living life in contradictions

You’re nothing more than an empty shell without emotion

.

There you find yourself again

Same as before, it never ends

All your thoughts clouding up with hate

Anger, depression, meet your fate

~*~

PART THREE: HELPING DESPERATION

It seems you’re in the darkest pit

And we try to help, but instead you throw a fit

“Leave me alone” you scream and seethe

“I’m in my safe place, don’t dare pull me out of it”

.

You have the choice, please choose to fight

Remove the shackles bound by the night

Break free of all restraints, restore your light

Defeat the madness, achieve what’s right

.

Find your will, the urge to be free

Resist to cave in with all your might

Remove the blindfold, try to see

Do not be overcome with spite

.

I’ll try my best to guide you

So please, try to get my clue

Stand up, take action, and pursue

You can still make it, it’s true

.

Feel it within your soul

Hurry, run fast, reach for that goal

Do your best, give your all

Mend your broken heart till it’s whole

.

I’ve done the best that I can

It’s your turn to take a stand

You’re not a monster, and you’re not strange

You are still human, and that won’t ever change.

Log In

(Part 1. Part 2 can be seen here: https://alostpaintingslaments.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/log-out/)

~*~

PART ONE: LAMENTING

Stuck in an endless loop that’s broken

Always ignored and stays hidden

I don’t want my life like that

Just a waste of space, an ignorant prat

.

So I want to hide it all

I don’t care if I pay the toll

The lies piling up on my brain

Thinking about it all gives me a huge strain

.

I can’t take all the hurt and the pain

Watching myself lose in this stupid life game

In the darkness, groping for the door

And I just end up on the cold, hard floor

.

My faith is fading fast

The hollow hope that never lasts

The trust that gets all shattered up

The love that just suddenly stops

~*~

PART TWO: ESCAPE

Can you hear me now?

On my my knees, I make a silent vow

My painful pleas echoing inside my head

My misery ignored by everyone alive and dead

.

God, please listen to my sorrows

Don’t make this day end, I don’t want a tomorrow

Let me stay inside this solitary core

Inside this perfect place forevermore

.

Madness is how I play

Escaping from reality is the only way

I don’t want to face what I know cannot be fixed

My world and your world obviously don’t mix

.

Numbed, brainwashed by a little prescription

OD’d by a drug called fiction

Stuck inside my own fantasies

Indulged in my thoughts and insanities

.

Tear down the walls separating fiction and reality

What is real? What is not?

Succumbing to the wrong world, losing my mentality

It’s been so long, I already forgot

.

Stuck in my fantasy

Miserable, bleeding, hanging to insanity

My mind is bound to an abyss that’s empty

For all eternity

.

I’m chained by the darkness

But refusing the light

I want to escape from this whole mess

But I’ll choose to stay in the dead, silenced night

.

I’ve lost my humanity, it’s far gone

Pathetic puppet, miming in this world

Nothing more than the devil’s pawn

Spilling out useless words

~*~

PART THREE: REFUSAL

Leave me in my painful paradise

I don’t care if it’s all just lies

This is my torturous escape, my own reality

The only thing that I’ll choose to see

.

I will gladly refuse to fight

The enemy is not the night

I don’t want to head into the blinding light

This false reality is what’s right

.

Darkness will bind me now

And I shall learn to cope somehow

The piercing dark blinding my eyes

Soon, the light will be nothing but a painful surprise

.

I don’t need anyone’s help

I don’t need your endless game of charades

I can already take care of myself

And I know I won’t make it, with this endless parade

.

My soul is already gone

My inner-self has escaped and ran

I’m not what I used to be

It’ll never be the same, I’ll never ever be free

.

I don’t want to take a stand

I refuse your helping hand

I am not human anymore

This monster inside me has devoured me to my very core.