Tag Archives: find

Wonderless

instances

of another well-developed meaning

forming sentences within my mind

.

i wonder

if amid all this rapacious confusion

a literary epiphany i’ll be able to find.

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Places In My Veins

There’s a place for my pulse

Somewhere within my wrists

But no matter how hard I try

I can’t figure out where it is

.

I’ll rest my head in a sea of nightmares

And drown looking for a sweeter dream

I’ll marry a liar just to find out the truth

High on the promise, low on self-esteem

.

And the haze is piercing my blacktop heart

Latent vortex swirling in a negative universe

Rotting with the blindness that I call my eyes

Hides the blood of another paralysing curse

.

There’s a place for the vaguer beat of my soul

Somewhere under my skin, between my wrists

But no matter how many deep incisions I make

I simply can’t seem to find it; does it even exist?

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Headlines & White Wine

I could never tell what’s on my mind when you are inside it

Lenient limerence against the lashing lacerations, on repeat

Over a cypress tree you painted in grey and told me to climb

Vagabond heart hiding behind a million branches, I can’t find

Elusive footprints you left in the virgin snow sing a soft melody

Defying the limbo I’m trapped in, fugue nightmare of my vanity

Your cinder block notes and forte strings cut me to the very bone

Orchard chasing sunset, counting sparrows until we end up alone

Undersea glow that drowned my eyes in a steady gurgling cadence

Victory you’ve held apart from me, my darling southern enchantress

I see now the sky you perceived, the suicide reds and sweetest scarlet

Clairvoyance of the words you tucked in my head, I won’t ever lose it.

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Life and all Its Fickle Insanities

Is there a right way for being strong?
Feels like I’m doing things all wrong
Still I’m here just holding on
Confess my heart and forgive my wrongs
Just trying to show you something more…

~*~

You’re trying to keep from going insane

Biting down on your heart to keep from crying out in pain

Walking away from the tomorrow they promised

Would be a grand illusion of borrowed pleasantries

.

If nobody loves you, maybe you deserved none

Existence won’t wait for your fickle mindless derisions

Capture the scars, display them in an album

Filled with bad memories and flickering momentum

.

People might stay for the night, but won’t build your dreams

And the sunset taking back the light is more than it seems

You’re just trying to place the bets on the better

Picking the monochromes and greys in a palette of technicolour

.

Hanging barely on the tightropes by your two fingertips

And the audience might just cheer if you happened to sneeze

If nobody takes you, then maybe you’ll take yourself

Don’t bother trying to pick diamonds out of your golden chest

.

Your fractured ribs will give way to the recalescent candle that stares

Breaking the tongues of forever until you’re naif and unaware

Fighting back the night and holding on to the twisted path of right

Dying again and again until you find that final guiding light

.

You’re just trying to keep from keeping insane

‘Cause ain’t that the way of life and its arid little games

Walking towards the today no one will ever give you

But yourself, this illusion may be grand but the escape won’t beat you.

~*~

Nobody’s gonna love you
If you can’t display a way to capture this
Nobody’s gonna hold your hand
And guide you through, it’s up for you to understand
Nobody’s gonna feel your pain
When all is done and it’s time for you to walk away
When you have today, you should say all that you have to say…

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Static Sessions

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive…

~*~

It’s rather strange and desensitisingly nerve-wracking, standing up there with shivering knees, under the judgment of glaring spotlights and hanging magenta lamps, and past the scrutinising pupils of a million watching stars. I do not feel like my own concrete entity, merely a disheveled apparition trapped in a foreign body. The amp screeches—jeeringly, it seems. I momentarily blanch. What the hell am I doing?

Perspiring profusely, trembling hands holding the gibberish lyrics to an unfamiliar forgotten song and an impatient crackling microphone, the beginning intro of the acoustic guitar sounds like a banshee’s scream that’s prompting my knotted larynx to begin making even an inkling of a noise. Quivering, quivering, quivering; dreadful hesitation and a near-death anxiety that wrings the delirious butterflies out of my stomach in an icy-cold freeze. An infinitesimal moment of silence. A skip of a heartbeat. A suffocating breath held until it coagulates. A spill of acherontic reluctance spilled down catatonic spines before one jolts and realises in shock that, surprise surprise, my parched mouth is actually producing sound!

Thus the song proceeds, with or without me. It’s up to me to chase after it’s vivacious footsteps. My voice is no longer my own, simply a phantom illusion; I barely feel it rising up and down, strumming the musical bars to the best of its abilities. Everything tastes like stereo static; clapping and cheering amid guitar and tambourine amid the anxious symphonies I relayed. The quaint scenario tangibly intensifies into a steady culmination, vertical horizons alighting into spontaneous combustion. Steadfast certainty underhandedly replaces the oscillating nervousness within me, pastel assurance slowly seeping in my ticking aegan-washed bones and strengthening every fibre of my abandoned sensibilities.

I find myself closing my eyes and loosening my grip, my driftwood soul getting pulled in the undertows of the euphoric moment. I can barely hear my own voice anymore, and I do not hear the crowd at all. Soprano, baritone, octaves, trebles, notes and rhythms and senselessness and song, they’re all that envelops me right now, my solitary company in this madness of a world. Raging fire burns in my emotions, thawing the glaciated blood in my veins, warming up the frostbitten angels barely holding my terse heartstrings together, bringing oxygen back to my perforating pulmonary flow; and nothing else matters anymore, only me and the music, the music and I.

The interlude swells into a deafening crescendo, and my frizzling neurons go off like fourth of July fireworks, showering the sky with brilliant sparks. It’s infinity on repeat, infinity in my teeth, infinity rushing low, infinity on an all-time high. This feels fucking amazing. What was there to be afraid of? Why had I been terrified all this time of such a ludicrous notion? Perhaps if I had steeled myself sooner, my brillo-pad songs would be less abrasive, and the ticking clock would’ve been on my side. But no matter, for I shall not dwell on the resentment of the past that keeps me embrangled within incarcerating doubt and merciless agony. Rather, I will focus on the now. This is me, doing what I never dared to do, doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m doing this for them, my beautiful divine motivations, though more importantly, I’m doing this for me, and for me alone.

The set comes to a slowing halt, the prospect tinging me with hints of sorrowful melancholy, and the audience bursts into polite applause, but the enraptured sensations linger still; and as I amble off the stage, I still find a soft lone melody humming whimsically at the back of my mellowing incandescent mind. It’s over, I sigh out to my palpitating lungs, to my shaky footing, to my disbelieving mind, attempting to calm my frantic pulse back into a metronome lullaby. But it will never be quite over, wouldn’t it? I ponder with a secret smile. I finally found my voice. I only hope I don’t lose it again. And I can only hope so hard it hurts that I don’t keep it to myself anymore.

~*~

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am…

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A Thousand Footsteps Away

Am I following too close?
Or am I right where I’m supposed to be?
Am I a million miles away?
Or am I so close I can almost reach?
Did I do it to myself?
Or did I really mean what I believe?

~*~

I’d leave a thousand times

And promise secrets I don’t intend to keep

Leave me alone in the valleys of ache

I will sing my drowning demons to sleep

.

I’d leave a thousand times

And swear to god I won’t pray anymore

Let me be to fester in my bloodstains

Like that mattered to you at all

.

I’d leave a thousand times

To retrace what was never there

When home was just a concept

And the white walls were once bare

.

I’d leave a thousand times

And speak about this infinite silence

When the doves come cooing back

I’m motionless in my presence

.

I’d leave a thousand times

And smile a smile that’s all teeth

This isn’t an ordinary cause for celebration

Let’s raise broken glasses at my defeat

.

I’d leave a thousand times

And say the lies I’ll hold to be true

Maybe this time the retreat will be short

And the release would be from me to you

.

I’d leave a thousand times

Just to come find myself again

If the raging undertows pull me under

Who knows what I’ll discover.

~*~

All I ever wanted was the blinding
Because all I ever saw was just a name
And all I ever wanted was to find it
It’s time, I finally know just what it means
To go off the rails, to go off the rails…

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dial tone dream

i found my true calling

for the longest time

i’ve already known

i found my true calling

but just it won’t pick up

the goddamn phone.

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grim murmurs

the thought whispers behind my bones

and it tells me solemnly to come home

but the thought says that i go on alone

and have a slice of paradise for my own

the thought drains away my paling blood

and every rationalisations i have ever had

against the volatile rage of mercurial flood

i shall listen, and find my own way to god.

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Just Look At The Mess You Made

Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off, I’m so dirty babe
The kind of dirty where the water
Never cleans off the clothes…

~*~

flies on your shoulder

blood in your sundress

darling girl of the hour

did you make this mess?

spelling decayed wrists

a blade for the clergies

vomit on blonde tresses

did you make this mess?

makeups smear breakup

a suicide note in lipstick

clean is now so careless

did you make this mess?

bathroom tiles shattered

pills and mirror scatters

a beauty fed to the beast

did you make this mess?

broken bones and skins

as agonist lungs scream

darkness she confessed

did you make this mess?

monsters devour a mind

it’s nothing you can find

a darling girl, mum’s best

why are you such a mess?

~*~

Only go so far ’til you bury them
So deep and down we go
Touched by angels, though I fall out of grace
I did it all so maybe I’d live this every day…

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Counting Calendar Months

Dear last July
You once were heavy
But now I lift you
Over my head like a feather…

~*~

Tell me where I can find

Beating August wings

Under a starry June’s sea

On a December evening snow

Writing letters to dear July

When February strikes its arrow

Into my falling autumn October heart

As my birthday dusk Marches on

And April daisies sing my song

November dreams may haunt me

But I’ll wake in September end quietly

May I never miss the summer days

As I watch the fireworks on a new January.

~*~

I’ve never been one for chasing
Stars in the starry night
It just seems too easy
I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be
Fine when you want me
Yeah, for the last time…

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