Tag Archives: fine

fine [print]

With me understand
These patterns
How can you live forced
Into parallel lines
All functioning under
The same mind?

~*~

i’m so tired

that my skin

is beginning

to drip off my

bones and pool

on the ground

and i think my

brain’s going bad

again, it’s curling

up in a corner and

it doesn’t want to

be found out now

.

the rushed high

felt fun, but it’s

quickly wearing off

and the usual numb

is back and oh, it’s

more numb than ever

i thought i was going

to be fine, and it’s staying

that way if i really tried—

but is that just another

one of my famous lies?

will life never feel alive?

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The Division

Let me count the ways you kill me;

1.) You carved promises at the notches of my brittle bones, mercilessly enthralling and hypnotising me under the anaesthetic assurance that everything was fine, that I was fine, and that I wouldn’t ever have to destroy myself again; but all the while, you crushed the very foundations beneath my suspended feet and made heaven shatter all around me like an ethereal motion sickness. And as if that wasn’t enough, you set everything on fire and watched this wretched phoenix turn to listless ashes, never to rise again; a demented conflagration.

2.) You promised me for better or for worse, but as I tried to find new names for the shade of red in my lips, you forgot about the obscene sickness that’s violently heaving inside my compromised chest and without so much as a twinge of second chances or point-blank hesitation, you injected every indistinct symptom known and unknown to man, turning my shaky breaths to crystalline lilacs and my selfish ribs to impure glass. I asked for a cure, and instead I received a despicable panacea, a myriad riot of plagues that irreparably devastated my system, ripping me to irreversible shreds. “You can’t get hurt if all you feel is hurt, right?”

3.) I’ve got hands like houses, and you rejected my severed hospitality as you broke down every locked door and deceptive boundary like it was nothing; like I was nothing. I constantly find myself lost in complicated syncopes, as I’m trapped spiraling and crawling back to the same self-sustaining cycles of parabolic grief and hypertensive schizophrenia, predicting premonitions that never came true. This eternal winter freezing over my bloodline is stitched together by a million blizzards and snowstorms conspiring exquisitely at once, but this difficult tantrum of a weather is not a tribulation to you, is it? Your cold temper is intolerable, a thousand suns melding together and detonating convulsively in the empty vacuum of space, and there’s no one else around to hear me scream one last time. I wanted to burn. You took it too far.

4.) Were you even sorry? Did you even feel a single taste of contrition when you watched my starving, pathetic soul grapple for life at the very nave of that decimated altar, asking for the silhouetted universe to fall on my back so that it wouldn’t be my fault, nor yours, that everything got screwed over? Did you see what I’ve done, just so I wouldn’t be what you’ve become? I couldn’t find my way back on the ground, so I swallowed my pride like pried coffin nails for the sake of a more poignant memory to remember; retribution heals what time cannot. Yet now I close my reckless eyes and softly coalesce in sadistic plumes of the miserable discourse you call an intravenous love, and I beg, and I beg. Were you even sorry at all?

5.) You are me, and I am you. I have no one. You are no one. When you lived, I died; and when you died, I along with you. I called it genocide. They called it desperation. For I am me, and you are you. There was no one else. They called it suicide. I call it salvation.

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Oh, Ain’t That Clever? (The Hundred Dollar Profanity)

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who’s the ugliest of them all?
Severed, crawling like spiders
Injecting poison, now kill the bile spewing
The walking selfish living dead
I turn to rust and you play
In all the filth that you’ve created…

~*~

Sweet milk will still taste spoiled

If the mouth is too putrid and rotten

And barbaric words just don’t define

Someone’s being a “good” person

.

Underhanded plagues dyed the rain

With condescension and redder stains

With a wish that the cleave cuts deep

And that leather flesh will never heal

.

As judging eyes feel the need to gloat

Like skies on fire, the ashy vanity floats

Prison’s good but the abuse feels numb

All hands on them until they succumb

.

It’s fine to feel fine, the need to feel needy

And pride has never been so carelessly greedy

But freedom will still taste like putrid decay

When the body’s too bitter to feel the right way.

~*~

And when your dreams have come to end
How will you buy your happiness?
And when your self is all you have left
With what will you fill your emptiness?
You are the cause of man’s dissolving evolution
Is my heart completely useless?

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The Blondes Are (Not) Alright

Blew motivation I had
To make my still beating-something
Not hurt that bad
Haven’t been home in some months
I haven’t loved myself
Just watching friends online
Look like they need some help…

~*~

I brought a knife to a shootout

But I’m not looking for a fistfight

I don’t mean to get too bloody

I just wanted to feel a little alright

.

But it’s difficult to make amends

When you’re holding the trigger

And kiss the muzzle to my mouth

Before I plead for it to get better

.

Bang bang bang, do you feel it yet?

Don’t drop that dime to take a bet

If I die now on the pavement curb

I’ll try not to bleed out on your shirt

.

I brought awkward to the limelight

I hear it’s the latest fashion show

I don’t mean to flaunt my mistakes

I just wanted everyone to know

.

That it’s hard to feel sorry

When you’re feeling sorry for yourself

They said I’m being crazy

Like condescencion’s good for my health

.

Clap clap clap, do you feel regret?

Hold on to plastic, it’s not over yet

I’ve got about three more acts to go

And the script makes to take it slow

.

I brought a friend to a death match

Just to see who’ll take the first move

I don’t mean to make it too chaotic

Just seeing if you would if you could

.

I never ask about the when, what, or why

I’ve been standing here thinking all was fine

But then the situation changed to see you

Spitting comments on the shoes I just shined

.

Blah blah blah, will you ready get set?

You’re the best nothing I’ve ever met

Too cool for the beatdown that ensues

Tie my hands to the bomb, I had no clue

.

I brought sobriety to the late pub nights

And they all told me to get the hell out

You brought the glass to my lips again

And drowned me in self-sustaining doubt

.

We can laugh about all the memories we hate

Including how this one has an expiration date

Looks like you want some help, damn, just ask

Don’t keep it in and blame other lies in the past

.

No no no, I didn’t mean to be thinking this loud

I gave you privacy when you told me to fuck off

I guess I’m done with fun, and I’m done, it’s true

But don’t worry honey, at least it’s all about you.

~*~

I never wanted to be thinking this loud
I never asked about the when, why or how
I wanted privacy, routine and everything between
While they’re just finding me out
I never wanted to be thinking this loud…

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dense

i was fine

getting things

all wrong

it’s just better

anyways, when

i’m left alone.

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Small Talk

“If I die now, you’ll be fine, wouldn’t you?” Came the morbid question, startlingly from out of nowhere, the tone rather earnest and solemn, as the rest of her contradictory body moved to pack up her bright clothes and stunning makeup in preparation for the party she was going to attend in that very evening; a glamorous night out in the city hotel for endless hours of revelry and colourful strobe lights and dancing with her inebriated friends.

“Not if I die first.” Was the equally-morbid devil-may-care reply, swift and acerbic, passed off in a jovial manner, accompanied by an amused grin and a playful hand slap, as he continued to stare jadedly at the glaring screen of his computer, thinking about the bottles of whiskey and cola that he secretly stashed away at the very back of the fridge, to be consumed later on at midnight in his bedroom with some crisps; a little party of his own.

They both smiled at each other quietly and let the conversation slide, and they went about with their business. They knew neither one was joking. And they knew they couldn’t do anything about it. So they just pretended to laugh.

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Crown the End

Self-destruct personality
Won’t discuss my responsibility
I am always walking on the final verge
I’m killing myself but I am not a murderer…

~*~

I’ve been okay

For far too long

It’s time for time

To carry along

And drag me down

In bitter ashes

That strangle me

The more pain passes

Because I’m never

Meant for feeling fine

All I can do is grit my teeth

And keep on lying

To convince myself

That murder’s just a word

That dreams are archaic

And life is just a joke

Can’t I have that?

The ability to laugh

Without the need of blades

To keep me on the track

To see you not in jealousy

But rather in charm

To promise my skin and bone

That I will do no harm

For the numb to suppress

Every inch of regret

I’m starving for hunger

But never at my very best

I forgive the wounds

But never forget to bleed

I chase away those I want

Lacerate what I need

Is there a way out

For the revolution to die

And I can truly say

That I’m oh-kay-ay-why

For I think I’m a peasant

Content in warm walls

But I’m just a king in his tower

Waiting for the fall.

~*~

Never gonna be the only thing that matters in my life
When everything around me has failed
Who knows what the future brings but
Eventually the truth will prevail
It’s moments like these when you really gotta think
About the broken dreams that you sell
Tick tock on your head it goes where it stops
Who knows, like a carousel…

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Milk Teeth

The perfect view eclipsed over you
My eyes look too the skies shine one more time
And I’ll keep my gravity low so I can float back home
I’ll move around you slow, I’m violently alone…

~*~

my milk teeth are waning

into a melted candle wax

my doldrums so contagious

it should be locked in a box

maybe i ought to stay away

from your bottled sunshine

i’m afraid it might slip from

my clumsy hands, in decline

oh, when that fragile jar falls

and shatters on the hard floor

you’ll lose your incandescence

and we will lose so much more

my milk teeth are waning away

into stygian eclipsing moonshine

i better stay away from your sun

dear, that way you shall be fine.

~*~

So won’t you tell me?
So won’t you tell me?
Does it make you
Does it make you shake?

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Dear Divine Angel

In the morning, hear all the birds sing
It never stops, then, with tears in your eyes
You smiled dressed in coppertone tan lines
Oh, oh, I hope you don’t regret me…

~*~

The faint blush of the morning presents itself

In throes of sunlight and distant reverie

Clouds faltering against the cerulean horizons

Blots of floral spectres, a firmament fantasy

Where were your wings hiding in that fated summer?

Cotton feathers beating against the misted dusk

Hazy in dryads and skirls of falling zephyr

Precipitation from your eyelids ascending from rust

My divine angel, are you bedless yet again?

Gravity defying stars, constellation against heaven

Blooming victims of your violent delights

Splashing around scarlet blood within the snow

The shattered pieces of the diamond-writ sky

Burning out the match between my fingertips glow

Living in a digital galaxy that doesn’t exist

Of our never-ending anthems drowning to transmit

Coppertone static, your veil and mercury ring

Pens of neon twinkle moons accentuate your ‘darling’

Let’s pretend the clocks aren’t stricken with asthma

A heart attack to wake me up under comatosed dysthymia

Enigmatic and mysterious in worn-out outlines

Starlings swoop lost over the desert, but perhaps we’ll be fine

Pink pills under my pillow, sugar against bitter chemicals

Cynical affinity, please save me from their withdrawals

Sing me a piercing melody of pastel red and washed-out white

And paint intertwining chalcedony roses on my graphite ceiling tonight

Darling, I’m aware that I shall never be your personal admission

Your darker brushstroke version, your jacaranda circulation

But as midnight appears to coalesce in dawn’s daybreak gloom

Your twilight lips are mine, dear divine angel, don’t fly away too soon.

~*~

And it won’t be long till we drop this match
When I burn to your fingertips, you can throw what’s left
So long, let’s go and play those games you like
Let’s go and play those games you like…

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Postcards and Polaroids

Hey, I know it hurts to watch me leave
But say it ain’t so, how could you ever replace me?
You’re so shy when you wanna be standing in front of me
Mind spinning in circles, you’re waiting to speak
These hands here in front of me anxiously wait to see
How’s it gonna be?

~*~

There’s splinters in your voice

And rusty needles within mine

If you honestly think it is not

We’ll both sing until I’m dying

Burn me in acerbic memories

Of another sophisticated heart

And there’s a deathbed waiting

But it wouldn’t keep us apart

For anagrams and polaroids

In lost horizons of liquid grey

In letters of an erased caption

As the wind spells out your face

In yellowing stamped postcards

Thrown in a fireplace’s compost

Replaced with ashen reminiscent

I’ll remind you of what you lost

Dear, I’m bedridden with guilt

And your fading name made me

Tear all the IV lines away and out

And drop out of ancient history

Was I wrong to do things right?

The bleeding keeps getting worse

As the stains fall against your lips

And in my paper-thin cotton shirt

But we’re only chasing nightmares

Dragged in our sempiternal reveries

Like the delusions of a red madman

Until we trip and skin both our knees

So tie a garrote ribbon around my neck

And keep a white daisy chain entangled

On my wilting hair and in my frail skin

I’ll hang myself cold and star-spangled

Darling, your ocean eyes are distracting me

There’s nothing but infinite abyss in mine

If you honestly think I’ve never fathomed this

I’ll let you go away so you’ll have a chance to be fine.

~*~

Before I go, oh oh oh oh
Let me remind you what you’re waiting for
Before you go, oh oh oh oh
Could you love me just a little bit more?
One more time…

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