And I want you to stop insisting that
I’m not a lost cause ’cause I’ve been through a lot
Really all I’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s alright by you
But hearts are breaking, and wars are raging on
And I have taken my glasses off, you got me nervous
When you’re turning it into a joke…
I don’t know if I’m going to college. I know what I want to do, but I don’t know if I’ll make it.
Obviously, she says I’m being irrational with my decisions because I’m still hopeful, optimistic, just another manic boy seeing the damned dark world through rose-coloured glasses and floral idealisms, too naive and gullible for my own good, covertly trusting in demons masked with shiny halos.
She should’ve seen me nearly bleeding out in the middle of the night because I was too tired for anything else, because I felt like I wouldn’t be able do do anything more useful with my existence. She should’ve seen me doing it again a week after. And again and again and again. She should’ve seen me giving up.
At this point, these foolish little dreams of mine are all I have. They’re insane, yes, and most likely impossible, but who am I to turn it away? When I’m left with nothing but screaming nightmares, it’s the only thing that’s keeping me at bay, keeping me going on, keeping me alive, because everything and everyone else has given up on me. Including her.
Yes, maybe I can be such a selfish idealist sometimes, that much I acknowledge. But is it so wrong for me to want for more than just a stable job? A cash-grab career? A walking ATM fountain? Is it so wrong for me to want to be happy, or at the very least, be content with what I do, to see, experience, and feel more, to be more than just to be another greased cog in this broken machine they call a society?
Apparently, it is. Stupid child, listen to the adults, because they know more than you ever will, and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. Since it’s so dumb of me to be hopeful, then what’s the fucking point of trying? Is being a sad, jaded, and washed-up individual all I have to look forward to in the future? Is it the only standard I should ever set for myself because everyone else ended up doing it? Because she ended up doing it? Because it’s the only sure and rational thing left in this ever-changing and cutthroat world?
If so, then nothing else should matter. Because I don’t want to have to live for it anymore.
Just let me cry a little bit longer
I ain’t gon’ smile if I don’t want to
Hey, man, we all can’t be like you
I wish we were all rose-coloured too…
“The great beyond”
Is just the foolish lie
That charlatans and
Tell to make-believe
That you can still do
What they all failed to
Achieve on their own.
Only you can make all this world seem right
Only you can make the darkness bright
Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love for only you…
how can i say
that i envy the chase
from the tip of my pencil
to your graphite gaze?
spitting my heart
onto an endless canvas
of greys and blacks,
hoping the red would stain…
but it never does.
only your floral words are
indelible on my skin
and the reverse
is just a lie i tell myself
so i could sleep a little better
every forsaken night.
the truth is far from your moon;
beyond all your pretty stars
and iridescent eternities,
it is despairingly beyond my fathoms.
but i hope, and again i hurt
for butterfly smiles
and deluding taciturn undertows
and nightmarish illusions
leaving bruises of you
on the very tip of my lost tongue
and all over my wept eyes;
a lifeless empty void
against the autumn shower
of your warm hermetic glances.
and there is no one else
to keep this rusted clockwork
ticking rhythmically to the beats
of your mindless cradle…
and that is the ultimate folly
of this ascetic destructive shale
that i tactlessly call my soul.
for a fool’s machinery,
this chemical heart is.
So indiscernible to lose itself in
such vitreous self-infliction,
and sabotaging the very blood
that my tiring arteries
now regain, thus to sustain
the very memory of your breath
in tranquil consonance…
foolish—and yet; a fool, i am.
a fool for believing that this
lie was past the dark side of the moon
and beyond my wounded stars
and lacklustre infinities…
you are despondently beyond my fathoms.
but i hope, and again, i hurt.
ma cherie, just how can i ever say
that i envy the calm reflection
from the incipience of your melody
to your coda’s revelations?
Only you can make all this change in me
For it’s true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do
You’re my dream come true
My one and only you…
when my tongue
wishes to be
yet somehow i
wasting my words
to give you the
benefit of the doubt.
In time you’ll find that we can sober up
Clean up any dirt so we can open up
These wounds have been open for forever now
Come on, be strong, your mind has gotten the best of you
You’ve done enough and you are enough
Let’s fall asleep tonight
I’ll hold you close and show you you’re not broken…
We’re in the middle of nowhere
Trying to find the end of the road
I can’t deny that eternity’s a wreck
It proves that I’m stuck in your hold
I’ll limit myself to break down the sun
Let’s divide by three, my cheating friend
Your beautiful face is a drink of regret
I’ll fail falling in love, then I’ll do it again
The right side of nothing called out to me
Turn back now while there’s still a chance
And when you run away from my memory
Shut up and decay in a mythical romance
Cast a spell on me and take back the war
I’ve got a secret, promise you won’t keep it
Put a curse on me and tonight we’ll go far
I’ve got a secret, swear don’t give me bullshit
Forever’s a lie, but together we will die
I said I was sorry, but you don’t believe me
Sometimes you have to fall just to fly
My angel is broken but she’s still so pretty
I’m in trouble, devil got a hold on my soul
Let’s settle the score, let’s do some more
My heart has been waiting for an apology
But it keeps coming out all wrong, baby
All the reasons we’ve made just not to break
Trying to set things right was another mistake
The decisions and encounters that collapsed
And friends, a forgotten night in a time lapse
I don’t think I’ll carry through all this alone
Open up to me, and I will come back home
I think it’s all a bad waste, vague and petty
So tell me honestly, what is it going to be?
Maybe we were far too young and foolish to ever feel this much
Attracted to the pains of infatuation, and senseless to the touch
I’ll be leaving soon, but I’ll leave all my things, it’s all you can have
But I’m still here tonight so one more time, teach me how to love.
You said it, you said it, I’ll take you at your word
These promises that you can’t keep
It’s getting harder to hold on
You said it, you said it, don’t ever let me fall
Don’t give up because you’re losing…
if you can’t
handle the heat
if you cannot
fix your own shit.
but i will
I’m an impossible person, a total mess
I haven’t got any clue
I lose my grips on foolish contrivances
That much is all true
But I found someone, a damaged man
Though I never knew
You are the only one who understands
And now I lost you too.