Tag Archives: goodbye

Inquiries

You can’t just ask me where I’m headed

And then afterwards, not give a damn

Drop a little postscript for confusion

And not send the rest of the telegram

You can’t just say hello after goodbye

And expect me to still be waiting there

At the very least, have the nerve to tell me

That you just don’t really care.

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initials

dear middle name,

don’t leave me with goodbye

you know i don’t care

much for music for tired eyes

but will they cut me up

into all the tiniest smithereens?

and leave geraniums in

my hair like it’s my sweet sixteen?

.

dear middle name,

i’ll give mine up just for yours

and it’s a funny spelling

one too many c’s and z’s, true

but if we cut it all up and

paste it into something stranger

i’ll leave geraniums in your

lips like we’re still giddy teenagers.

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Falling Out Of Place

God knows where

Guess it’s only fair

To take me apart

From the bottom up

.

If you’re too bored

To even say goodbye

Then the door’s ajar

There’s no time to lie

.

We left the old days

For a stubborn haze

A feverish fantasy

Some call it insanity

.

Feel the rush collide

With nothing more

Please wipe your blood

Off the bathroom floor

.

Don’t leave a message

It’s really rude to stare

I’ll be here, and you’ll be

Fucking god knows where.

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carried away

will this ever get better?

will the pounding beneath

my cold wrists ever cease,

only to be replaced by the

subtle tickling of lavender

waking up something within

my nightmares, something

i’d never thought i’ll ever miss?

will you be there to take me away

or will i just take you as you are

and hold on still until the briers

clear to invigorated reveries and

you start smiling in a different way?

.

will these questions follow up?

twisting like redwood branches

around my throat, between my

feet, autumn draws near and i

fear i may clip out and fall down

like the leaves children step on

like the collapsing bridges i burned

while i’m on the brink of crossing it

will you tell these thoughts to stop?

my tongue is bitter dirt and i only

wish to bury myself before there’s

nothing left but a lone goodbye,

hanging in the air and setting me free.

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Have Some Booze, So You Don’t Choke On The Truth

So come on and take a shot
You just can’t get enough
Don’t let the fact that you know
Nothing stop you talking now
‘Cause when all is said and done
My name’s still on your tongue
But tell me, why you gotta
Kick me when I’m down?

~*~

I meant what I said

When I said nothing’s wrong

Because nothing was what’s left

Of this bad trick all along

.

You act like you’re in sorry pain

Try to keep your glares curt

But blunt lies crush the silence

You’re the only one hurt

.

And to think I never thought

Only accepted with the blindest faith

But things are too good to be true

And they won’t come to those who wait

.

It was just a matter of time

But I wasn’t really keeping score

We’ve done this over and over, now

Hell, I’ve seen it all before

.

And honestly, it’s fine by me

It’s one less bullshit to worry about

Less weight on my strained shoulders

A good lesson to keep the flies out

.

So hold out your soul and cry

I won’t stay to watch the flowers die

You’re not even worth the spite

You were never worth the fucking fight

.

So long, and no thanks for the crazy memories

That stabbed like a migraine even as I kept going on

Goodbye and swallow the drama, I don’t need it anymore

It’s just easier to accept that I never cared all along.

~*~

Yeah, I know it’s all in good fun, but
Don’t say it’s coming from love now
I see those arms in akimbo
And don’t set that phaser to stun
‘Cause what doesn’t kill me
Well, it better run like hell
Yeah, you better run like hell…

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nocturnes, numbers, nyctophilia

It meant nothing to him any longer, only a faint tinge of sadness—and somewhere within him, a drop of pain moving briefly and vanishing, like a raindrop on the glass of a window, its course in the shape of a question mark. ~Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand

~*~

i.) the jealous penmanship

clever words left tears forming in my brain

ones that i have to open up my healing bruises

just so i could let them out somewhere

somewhere my veins wouldn’t be affected severely

(it was late at night, and my stars called out from nowhere)

sensations poured out from every letter and departure,

as it entangled itself with my nerves and wore them down,

and wore them like a dirty dress, and wore them out to town

until they were worn-out; nothing but a few stray threads.

i burned half of my journals when i turned 16 and stopped trying

to imitate being an author, because writing for me isn’t an expectation–

it’s nothing but another puzzling lock without a skeleton key

and because the most delicate daydream wasn’t mine

because selfishness, to me, is not just another bland adjective

because my bones screamed with the weight of a black hole

because your reveries were enchanting. and mine were f a d e d

n o , i ‘ l l  n e v e r  b e  a s  g o o d  a s  y o u

~*~

ii.) softness, like his heart in the shape of a newborn galaxy

i faded into an ugly shade of something that’s neither monochrome nor coloured;

on the verge of collapsing onto the other side of the fence, threatening madly

but never quite having the contemplation to choose a losing side

as i fell down into the blue of a stranger’s wanderlust eyes.

someone else had taken most of that vibrant shade already, but i managed

to steal away just a sliver, a glimpse, an infinitesimal shiver

and it was the kind of lasting cold that froze summer hurricanes

and kept my breaths visibly foggy and crisply sharp with every inhale

(you never warned me. you don’t know me, but you knew me too well. and i never listen.)

i’ll always be an insignificant detail in the cyan tapestry you painted for yourself

and i’ve accepted that long ago when i said i loved you in my nightmares,

tossing and turning on the bed covered in plastic arrogance because

no other blanket felt warm and comfortable enough for my body to sleep on

until then, i could only sink deeper into the fathomless wish that this universe would end s o o n

i t  w a s  a  k i n d  o f  l o v e  t h a t  m a d e  s u i c i d e  s o u n d  l i k e  m u s i c

~*~

iii.) an abrupt goodbye/the guilty party often disappears first

i was mad at something. i didn’t know what it was, but it was foolish enough

for me to take it out onto the embracing autumn sky, on the taciturn smiles that

were supposed to hold me when tempestuous desolation grabbed at my twisted throat…

and on you. you never meant anything. you just wanted to talk, and so did i,

but my tongue was a spilling box of blades, and every time i opened my

wounded mouth to make you laugh, i always ended up cutting you by accident instead.

(friend, even if i said i’m sorry, can you ever forgive me for what i’ve done to you?)

it was an unreasonable apology, and i erased myself because of my own self-hatred,

but not before leaving footprints of a migraine in your head, which you will inadvertently step on,

slip at, and hurt yourself…fuck. i don’t know why i’m like this. i don’t know why i have

to push and pull apart the only semblance of logic in my life, the only anchor

that keeps me from towing away from the tides, the last person that still feels real to me

when everything else has blurred into an amalgamated indistinct static background;

i don’t know why i feel so smothered, when you’re the only attention i’ll ever have and need.

at this point, the only thing we have is each other’s problems, and the way we both

jeered at it, taunted it, and blocked it out with our own shared playlists until we felt better—

but now that summer was just a distant memory, and so was the scarlet artwork we made of it.

you also needed comfort. but did even try? no. i ran away from the colliding wreckage

as if it wasn’t my fault, and i numbed myself out because i couldn’t do the same for y o u

i ‘ m  s o r r y  i  m a d e  y o u  s a y  s o r r y  s o  m u c h . . .

i  d i d n ‘ t  m e a n  t o  d e s t r o y  e v e r y t h i n g

~*~

iv.) the midnight closes. the violent curtain falls.

the cold glow of my computer screen was rude and restless

and it made my fingers promise, crossed and uncrossed, that i would

stay with it until it slips into comatose. i have rinsed my mouth with lukewarm water

a hundred times to try to wash out the taste of stale coffee, but it never came out and now

i’m stuck with it until morning, until another astrological moon cycle, until i lose

myself in the chemical moments of something that’s so artificially natural.

i’m constantly starving myself, stuck between confidence and relapsing withdrawals of

my past life that i thought i discarded when i finally held on to my shooting star,

but it was always tethered tightly to me by a crimson string. and it always probably will be.

i’m alone. i’m friends with people that talk shit to me in the mirror, and when i bite

my chapped lips and draw blood by accident, it almost feels like atonement. almost.

(i got what i came for and i can’t try again. this is what i want…..isn’t it?)

i know that there are people out there making fun of me and rolling their eyes

petulantly as they bask in the trite, whimsical “perfection” of their storybook existence

but not everything has a happy ending, and not every sad story has to end badly.

i don’t know. i’ll never know. i’m tired and i have responsibilities that i’m not

built for, and every crack turns into a break, and a break into shattered p i e c e s

t o m o r r o w  i ‘ l l  d o  t h i s  o v e r  a g a i n  .  u n t i l  i  r u n  o u t  o f  t o m o r r o w s .

~*~

v.) nocturnes.

( a n d  i ‘ l l  s t a y  h e r e )

u n t i l  i  r u n  o u t  o f  n u m b e r s  t o  c o u n t ,

a n d  t h o u g h t s  t o  f e e l ,

a n d  n i g h t s  t o  s t a y  a w a k e .

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shut up when you’re talking to me

We keep the beat with your blistered feet
And we bullet the words at the mockingbirds singing
Slept through the weekend and dreaming
Of sinking with the melody of the cliffs of eternity
Got postcards from my former selves saying “How’ve you been?”

~*~

those clever words

are only things

you said in your sleep…

but i still listened,

and i still believed in them.

i’ll wear my heart on

my sleeve just so i could

wear something new

i’ll wear my brain over my shirt

just so i could pretend that

it’s something true—

but feeling and thinking

is already out of style

so guess my fashion statement

is faded, bleached out in

the bad kind of vintage

so won’t you give me

a cheap trick and tell me

“don’t be cruel, honey”

like the parasite that ravaged

our lips turning to scarlet

but i couldn’t find the letter

or monarch butterflies

in our holiday down in las vegas

when we lost the highway

for the third time that evening.

it’s a picture perfect eternity

the goodbye that never leaves

it’s the most insincere you and me

the “happy birthday” that doesn’t age

have i blown your mind yet?

or were you distracted by misery?

there’s no take two’s, i’m afraid

but encore’s full of apologies

so just talk, like it’s all we can do

talk because it’s all we can do

and listen to the insomnia

lash out in crashing profanities

if you’re too afraid to stay

‘cause these doldrums won’t play out

forever…would they?

~*~

Whoa oh, we’re so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning
It was ice cream headaches and sweet avalanche
When the pearls in our shells got up to dance
You call me a bad tipper of the cradle
Tired yawns for fawns on hunter’s lawns…

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arrival

the return

the final line

of empty trays

and sipped wine

.

of upbeat music

and listless smiles

we’re so close yet

we still have miles

.

the last call

the landing

of departures

and last wings

.

of blue skies

and goodbyes

we’re so far yet

it feels like the end.

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Dreamcatcher

We’ve been a burden though we were kept alive
By the ones we’ve forsaken, by the ones at our side
The truth we’ve found is out there lost in everything
We can show the way for the wandering
When we’re young, we’re so naive….

~*~

It comes in wavering collapses

Of grief and breathless apologies

The artificial halogens are but false hope

As the truth is buried up to your knees

.

Where do I stand still if not for time?

I feel tears threatening to dwell again

Borderline deranged on black composure

Cyanide approval for minutes of craven

.

Is it worth the catch to let go of the dream?

There’s a ghost whispering lies inside my skin

And if I choose to listen to the sound of hell

Is there a way for me to break the spell?

.

But guide me home where the stars don’t hurt

And the light cast upon me is my transient rebirth

I won’t be resurrected in the blink of a goodbye

Though perhaps this time, I would feel less when I die.

~*~

It’s easy to see we’re running out of time, the walls are collapsing
They’re coming down on me, and nothing’s as it seems
This world is in ruins, you can’t believe what you see
Don’t you see, don’t you see? Don’t you desire to see the truth?

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Reanimation

You know that you had to know that I’d be on my way
It happened long ago there’s nothing more to say
And I don’t wanna be the one to tell you blood is on your hands
And I don’t think you realize or even understand so I say…

~*~

Now we’re just casual foes counting casualties

Waiting for a staid hello to recount the vacancies

But never leaving, never giving the pleasantries

At the back of our heads to shoot what we missed

.

Was there any answer? Am I just a necromancer

Bring back to life what was long gone, washing

My eyes to the sun to remind the sky forever that

The nights will bleed into red, and I hold the gun

.

Maybe it was too soon, maybe I picked the wrong tune

To sing at the funeral of a wedding march at the very end

Of the line, is it time, is it mine? What was yours to take

Every mindless mistake, yours to blame, yours to suspend

.

So go on, go on, it doesn’t matter if I get pulled along

This is my lullaby, only this night I’ll be sleeping alone

What was to gain from the concrete rain? Falling under

Going under, don’t hold your breath, this isn’t any better

.

Now we’re just casual foes counting, cashing our casualties

Waiting for the stagnant goodbye to enter the lost vacancies

Of the reason, of every treason of the damn good memories

At the back of our heads, I only wonder what we’ve missed.

~*~

Days go by, some good and some are bad, soon you’ll realize
It all goes by so fast and its over, it’s something that you can’t get right
Or maybe you just have no time, it seems like everybody’s gone
‘Cause that’s none of mine, you say that I’m just wasting time
But I would say that I’m doing alright, I’m on to better days…

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