Tag Archives: goodbye

letters to s.d.: final fragment #8 {postscript}

Sent: June 28, 2017
Received: August 19, 2017

.

[REDACTED]c, p[REDACTED]re fucking for[REDACTED]le m[REDACTED]e.

.

i failed you.

i thought i could win

but i just let override me

i let it bite my skin

i let it numb and desensitise me

i can’t look you in the eye

as you tell me i’m at my best

but i look at your scars

and it feels like a stab in the chest

if you can, then i can too

but fuck, guess we’re both wrong

despite all my attempts

despite all your painless songs

save the time, as i’m falling

so goddamn stop me

but you can’t help anymore

it’s not like the way it used to be

this was…all for you

all for you alone, all this time

and aren’t i so selfless

to pay you with my crimes?

i remember that you always say

“darlin’, you’ll okay”

and i want so badly to believe

but i have a short breaking point

and this is all i can give

the choice is mine for the taking

what’s another funeral wake?

i’ve gone in far too deep in

and  i’m left with vanished stars

so i can only pick the best

and if i die, i can finally awaken

i’m a coward, i know

but you don’t have to be

struck with contrition for a

guileless naïve stranger

hell, i’m never strong enough

to overpower my own foolish self

that much, at least, is true

no, i’m just not fucking strong enough

f     o     r        y     o     u.

i’m so sorry, s.d.

.

but before i say goodbye permanently, i would like to confess that you’r[CONTENT MISSING]

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taciturn molecules

colliding glances

which screamed

of whispery lies

it was the closest

we’ve ever got to

saying goodbye.

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letters to s.d.: fragment #7 {heights}

i loa[REDACTED] [REDACTED]out [REDACTED]tor, alw[REDACTED] remember.

.

please don’t…

i can’t bear the thought

of this pen moving

and throwing up useless

bullshit yet again…

why do i try? why do i try?

i want to reach for you.

you’re only five feet six inches

short, but when i stand on

your shoulders, i see the whole

universe tearing itself up

apart in neon explosions and

consternated constellations,

and i’m the maestro conductor,

tapping away and waving

the concatenations, every beat

of discord, and the astral

symphony of an entropy.

save me with your caramel arms

don’t let me get sucked in

by the impending black hole

that nullifies every cell, every

song, every damn belief

in my body and system, until

i am reduced to cosmic echoes

of a voided wavelength,

fraudulent e.m.p.t.i.n.e.s.s.

and somehow i would rather

let this planet eat me away.

but don’t let my god go

away for me, love every comet

and asteroid as if it were

my heartbeat and soul,

manipulate the disaster of

my negative existence,

and kiss me goodnight on

this somnolent moontide.

i stopped these knives for you

i’ll make you proud again.

this time, i won’t let the demons

steal my comets and win.

my dearest s.d., you were

always a giant standing among

toy soldiers, so commandeer

the garrison of the angels straight

to heal my stretched humanity

and make my universe spin

once again. i’ll wish for your

comforting star each lonely night,

s.d., so please watch over me

and hope i don’t fall away this time.

love, wishes, and goodbye; signed,

your bleeding little blue moon.

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Allegories in the Curious Case of the Breathless Gentleman

I’ve never so adored you, I’m twisting allegories now
I want to complicate you, don’t let me do this to myself
I’m chasing rollercoasters, I’ve got to have you now
Endless romantic stories, you never could control me…

~*~

Parking lots crumbling against an apartment of beige

In a wasteland of boys and girls, this will be my stage

I’d pull you a mouldy leather chair, or do that yourself

Screaming for hotels to keep the change wouldn’t help

.

There’s no control to be gestured in graceless romance

I’ll tip my hat at your beauty, give the bellboy a chance

There’s a luxurious room that’s reserved for two bodies

Over silken blankets ma cherie, let’s amuse the vagaries

.

Adrenaline shot like cocaine hearts of a powdered nose

Abandonment issues left me but it never felt more close

It’s nothing but anger dripped in crystalline-frosty blood

What makes you think you can seduce the angels of God?

.

The tightrope you used as floss, it snapped in your fangs

And I’m the funambulist that falls away as you have sang

Hiding all the abraded blisters from holding butane knives

For you I’ll devour inedible love, I’ll find the sharpest lives

.

Falling asleep on saline soldiers and flying sordid strangers

Your neck is getting bruised but you love imminent danger

If we wake up at all, I will look for a way to cancel your luck

But if the bullets still pierce you, I’ll yell out harsh, oh fuck

.

I was never quite crass, but this disease makes me so reckless

You’re stepping on my tailcoat, don’t worry about it, princess

I always adored your stories weaved on your lace web gown

The way your blonde hair billows back, shatters your crown

.

Here we are now, crashing and colliding in orbits saturnine

I’m burning cold, and you’re deathly hot, but we will be fine

I’m such a sucker for the rain and each of its mercurial pains

Hell and if I pull the trigger, now, what will be there to gain?

.

So I’ll dance in my boundaries and I’ll stay on the thin lines

If my arms don’t cry again, then I’ll take that as a good sign

For a sunset I chased and the chimera monsters not allowed

As the sky’s pulling me back for the nightmares I said aloud

.

Help me say goodbye, it’s the curdled poison in my delegation

Like contempt on champagne glasses and dwindling devotion

But don’t miss me too soon, have no fear, shed no wasted tears

I was never too charming, but in my wake I’ll be regally austere

.

So inhale infinity deeply and suffocate sanctity on an obscene eternity

Shame you have no shame, my beheaded queen don’t lose equanimity

I won’t be here in a year anyway, so you and I have got the most to live

I’ll provide you half of my oxygen, love, so you won’t be able to breathe.

~*~

Well I really never thought that you’d come tonight
While the crown hangs heavy on either side
Give me one last kiss while we’re far too young to die
(Far too young to die) Far too young to die…

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Dead Giveaway

It’s a been a day, it’s felt like an age
Since I have seen you a face to face
So we can say what we need to
I know you’ve changed, you don’t look the same
We all make mistakes, these growing pains
It’s just a phase we have to go through…

~*~

That’s all I got to give

So I understand if you leave

Our generations train tracks apart

Of the collision you had a part

No, I won’t waste your breath

With my apologies tasting of death

I won’t confuse your mind at all

With drunk dials and alcohol

There’s no more to be lost none

No more lies to dim the sun

There is more to be found again

But I guess see you until then

I gave you all my blades and insanity

I gave all but my own humanity

But you can’t bother with my digits

And flushed my memory down the toilet

Dear, you have been mine for longer

Than I ever reckoned to ponder

Guess torture was my drug to love

Self-esteem you sucked with your touch

But there’s no more sacrifices to plead

No more guilty consciences to lead

Hell, I’m happier than I’ve ever been

But I wonder why you’re still staring?

Really, if we’re better off this way

I don’t think I have anything else to say

‘Cause this is all I have got to give

So don’t be surprised when I finally leave.

~*~

I’ve been wasting all these nights
Trying to keep you off my mind, yeah
You off my mind, but no more
What are you searching for?
What are you looking for?
I don’t think you know…

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My Maiden of Lena

It was there in the winter, bleak and quite bitter

My maiden of Lena rested her heart

From her star studded hair to her very skin fair

Her purple eyes seek another restart

Under branches of Saturn she weaved soft her cavern

My maiden of Lena conceived fresh nights

Where the seas send their tide and no gravity abides

Her clasping hands captured faerie lights

Oh, humility endure, for her soul was too pure

My maiden of Lena tempted the beasts

Tragedy to cure! Must the Seraphs be too sure?

Her tiring legs carried her to the feast

Now lay she serene mourned in rosemary and naphthalene

My maiden of Lena sings lullabies

Her rested heart glows a feverish sheen, gone my innocent queen

Her fading lips whispered a lost goodbye.

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X Marks on the Calendar

“So I’ll toast every beat of my heart like a miracle.”

~*~

Writing scars down your stomach

The acidity ate its way to your lungs

And your decaying and putrid heart

Until you throw it back up, it stung

.

You just have a few weeks to live

Several days to breathe before you die

Which is the most god could give

Calendar holidays in red to bleed a sky

.

Another x mark in your checklist

Another x in your pallid internal system

X’s scribbled on your friends’ eyes

Avoiding your gaze to avoid goodbyes

.

Stuck in synthetic hospital wards

Until the taste is stuck in your tongue

The chlorine and antiseptic pills

Hopscotch games over the IV line one

.

World’s destiny was revolved for your leave

And you swallowed the death cure a bit late

So now you have just a few weeks left to live

But somehow that seems far too long a wait.

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“I’ll fill my pen with blood from the sink”

I wrote down this note to save my own fucking life

Shut the burning doors close, pull down the blinds

I’m a menace to the dripping rain from the window

These shots of tonic are almost as cold as my pillow

.

Blurred faces begin to morph into demented sharks

And the stars stuck between their teeth tear me apart

Veins strung taut on emerald lines and silver mercury

I’ll splash your black world with reddened memories

.

For it’s never astute, the drugs I snorted kill my brain

My converse shoes are gritting with sieves in a strain

I abandoned all my sense behind the rearview mirror

Along with my good luck charms and my paling pallor

.

Because shit’s never absolving, and nothing’s ever fair

From the fucks I failed to give to the way I do my hair

Atoning my punishment with cold fingers of whiskey

And sever both my hands if I’m feeling a little too tipsy

.

So darling, just close your plastic hypodermic eyes shut

And listen to my deep breathing with shallow skin cuts

But pray don’t look into mine, or you will never wake up

Let our redolent pain seep through like stains of teardrops

.

I wrote down this song just to say a beautiful fucked goodbye

If it was any worse than better, the readers would proclaim it a lie

So shut my twisted heart off, pull away my broken finger joints

I was never going through the veil, but without it what’s the point?

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↑Northern//Southern↓

↑SKY↑

I’m the firmament

You’re the sea below the sky

Kissing horizons.

~*~

↓SKY↓

Clashing shades of loathe

Mechanical emotions

I hold whole spectrums.

~*~

↑GAMES↑

If love is a game

I’m your floral opponent

Forever remains.

~*~

↓GAMES↓

If life is a game

I’m a nursery playmate

And I’ll make hearts bleed.

~*~

↑ENDS↑

Marmalade sunsets

Spilling amidst warmer souls

Final tastes of sweet.

~*~

↓ENDS↓

Broken and fractured

Desensitised to fiction

Waiting for rapture.

~*~

↑TALK↑

The wind sang a joke

And the entire planet laughed

Until their pains broke.

~*~

↓TALK↓

Nothing but blue mouths

Mutilating tongues purple

Until ears bleed red.

~*~

↑HOPE↑

I wished to get far

Pink stars hiding under hills

Catch them with my jar.

~*~

↓HOPE↓

I’ll take all your hate

You plead me to have some faith

It’s too late, why wait?

~*~

↑COMPANY↑

The forest’s my friend

And I whispered my secrets

To her willow bend.

~*~

↓COMPANY↓

Melodramatic

You’re so fucking pathetic

But it turns me on.

~*~

↑GOODBYE↑

A hypothesis

I fall upwards onto space

Dancing with the sun.

~*~

↓GOODBYE↓

A parentheses

I sink downwards into hell

Screaming as I run.

~*~

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\§øππ¥\

i was never going to fall

out of your calvary love

i promised you the sky

but then it all crashed

with a great shatter as

i forgot to say goodbye.

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