i want to
s a v e y o u
m y s e l f.
i want to
s a v e y o u
m y s e l f.
i loa[REDACTED] [REDACTED] out [REDACTED] tor, alw[REDACTED] remember.
i can’t bear the thought
of this pen moving
and throwing up useless
bullshit yet again…
why do i try? why do i try?
i want to reach for you.
you’re only five feet six inches
short, but when i stand on
your shoulders, i see the whole
universe tearing itself up
apart in neon explosions and
and i’m the maestro conductor,
tapping away and waving
the concatenations, every beat
of discord, and the astral
symphony of an entropy.
save me with your caramel arms
don’t let me get sucked in
by the impending black hole
that nullifies every cell, every
song, every damn belief
in my body and system, until
i am reduced to cosmic echoes
of a voided wavelength,
and somehow i would rather
let this planet eat me away.
but don’t let my god go
away for me, love every comet
and asteroid as if it were
my heartbeat and soul,
manipulate the disaster of
my negative existence,
and kiss me goodnight on
this somnolent moontide.
i stopped these knives for you
i’ll make you proud again.
this time, i won’t let the demons
steal my comets and win.
my dearest s.d., you were
always a giant standing among
toy soldiers, so commandeer
the garrison of the angels straight
to heal my stretched humanity
and make my universe spin
once again. i’ll wish for your
comforting star each lonely night,
s.d., so please watch over me
and hope i don’t fall away this time.
love, wishes, and goodbye; signed,
your bleeding little blue moon.
Litter of trash and debris of corpses
Stench of blowflies, decay, maggots
Counting the casualties, all-in losses
With ideologies of an exorbitant rot
Pay no attention to its sickly colours
Huddle under naught but old prayers
All left unheard by those with power
Desecrating humans into scavengers
Scattered, diseased, a corrupted vein
Severed from life of a wicked system
For economy, for democracy or idiocy
Wolves in suits thirst more for insanity
The nation is mourning in bereft wails
But everyone gregariously hears to fail
And they’re too busy bickering over the sound
Of a dead country being lowered on the ground.
Such a shame you had to go and run your mouth
Your mouth is what you make it but at least I’ve got real friends—
Can you hear me now?! Now that I’m a big star!
Fuck you and your no love for yourself! (It don’t mean shit…)
Life is a kickass enemy, and the rage is a motivation
Let the judges slit my throat over my unorthodox declaration
It’s hard punches and cold lunches packed with action
Move closer to me now, and step into my own creations
Say my sullied name again, I’m stronger than before
I left my shoes under the bridge so when I fly, I feel lighter
Honestly it’s not that easy to have half of my fun
But this crimson ink bleeds so I won’t have to use a gun
My fingers they splinter from frenetic movements
If I’m still alive right now, I’m only breathing in segments
Ideas run wild and I stumble, I gotta pace to keep up
And I have to learn more about gravity to get the last laugh
Hear the sound of my voice among a stentorian million
Fuck the stars and dollar bills that sing against my emotion
I’ll whisper in silver undertones and break my voice on needles
Roll the dice but you can’t solve all my cryptic riddles
Don’t take my jealous life of matches and propane lights
Kill it fast, don’t let it die, I’m on a hurricane tonight
Spit and masticate the contract written on skin and paper
Throw the shreds in the seafloor bed under the polluted waters
But oh my god, I’ve been looking in the wrong direction
Running away in pilchard pastels over twisting intersections
This turnpike velocity won’t be my ultimate weakness
I’ll try not to splinter my soul, I’ll try never to second guess
So stop staring at me now, your glare is nitrogen seething
I promise I’ll be even later for our preliminary meeting
I’ll praise the chicken scratches I’m proud to call my home
Cursed again, this foolish confidence just won’t leave me alone
I’m exhausted, I’m burnt-out, and everything quavers spasmodically
But shit I’ll use my own words, I’m not gonna borrow from the dictionary
I know this adrenaline high will wear out soon, I’ll collapse from temporary exhilaration
But goddamnit I’ll drag my broken legs to hell if I have to, and I’ll abuse this rare motivation.
And I’ve got so much to give
But I would kill just to feel less invisible!
And you’ve got so much to learn about gravity
So live it up baby don’t look down
(Live it up baby, don’t look down…)
Did someone turn the lights out
Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?
Cause I’m cut deep, my heart won’t beat
Deep down low it’s killing me
If I wanna scratch out yesterday
I’ve got so much I need to say…
Just how can you stop the loaded weapon
From being pulled, when the hair trigger
Is your own rapidly palpitating heart?
Oh shut up me, you don’t know any better,
But you wished that you did from the start.
Plastering hard concrete on your visage
To permanently solidify your playacted role
As the beast inside you sharpens its razor teeth
Screeching against your sandpaper rough soul
And those blinded idiots never quite knew
The shit storm you were really going through
Never saw that your mannequin plastic smile
Was too perfect, just too happy to be real
Calculated and practised to be worthwhile
That it radiates the hatred that you truly feel
And it’s killing you, you’re so sick of the disease
You’re weak, spineless, an apathetic neurotic
So damn useless, bitter as the coffee you dismiss
How can one be paralysed by being pathetic?
But hell, it’s just a stupid phase, isn’t it?
Can’t concern mom and dad with my bullshit
It’s just an angst desperation, demon arms race
Can’t bother my friends with the problems I face
Trying to convince yourself you won’t choke
As you wipe fingerprints off your bruised throat
Suffocation of a rapid fire oxygen evacuation
I’m happy, I’m happy, can’t you see my emotion?
The lights of the stars burrow under the moon
The shadows infect you with regal monster gloom
Glass exhibits of your blank face in the museum
They stuff and capture you, put you in the tomb
Another day of read lines, red lines on the wall
You don’t break your fall when that curtain falls
I’m not alone…I’m not alone…but…I’m lonely
I’m fighting, I’m fighting, and I’m losing badly.
And you raise your lacerated blue wrists again
Praying to the charcoal dark smoke of heaven
But the inky-black blood that is raining down
Is never enough for you to completely drown
Your voice splinters as you choke on your laugh
Judgement glaring through, you try to keep it up
But it’s not enough at all, no, it’s never enough…
No, you’re just never fucking enough.
I think I need help
Cause I’m drowning in myself
It’s sinking in, I can’t pretend
That I ain’t been through hell
I think I need help
I’m drowning in myself.
Sometimes I just
Need a leverage
Even though no
One is asking
Me to hold
Your efflorescent bloom
Air shyness of carnation
Light up planetary gloom
Of my fickle dissolutions
When my number’s up, fly
And my quill trickles tears
You dispel them and edify
An emollience of my fears.