Now I hope you’re happy with yourself, ’cause I’m not laughing
Don’t you think it’s kind of crappy what you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart
Like wrapping paper trash, so I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along, and it goes
“Merry Christmas, kiss my ass!”
~*~
I waited 359 days for the day
You’ll wake up and see the star blink out
On the top of your christmas tree
And I’ll be just fine and merry
‘Cause baby, it’s cold outside
And the weather’s as frigid as your soul
But guess you knew all that
When you buried me under the snow
And the bells may be a’jingling
But my face is numb and tingling
From all the endless and forced laughing
As the carolers continue wailing
Say you’re Santa Claus ‘cause you went to town
I got my eggnog when I got you down
You once were sweet like striped candy cane
And now you’re just stuffed like a red stocking again
But 12 days ain’t enough to keep you satisfied
I’ve had my fill, now I wanna throw up
The silent night turned into total manic chaos
All I want for christmas is you, to shut the fuck up
I’m on my own, so wrap me up
Like a delicate present, and rip me up
I’ll be the cookie drowning in your sweet milk
The soot in your chimney, coal and ink
And play, and play all the songs once more
About how this holiday is keeping score
Month of goodwill, hope, and festive season
When it’s nothing but a festering commercialism
Naughty’s being nice, and Santa ain’t true
But even if he was, well he won’t ever visit you
Gun down the sleighs, trip the reindeers
Ho ho holy shit this whole thing is just a derriere
But christmas miracles do happen, so they say
And your good-for-nothing face went away
I hope you choke on your tinsel and peppermint
I’ll hang myself by the christmas lights like an ornament
The sense of rude nostalgia, and all the childish feels
Of you begging for more presents, you got me hot on my heels
And if the decorations are blocking your misery
Call me gingerbread man, because you can eat me
And tonight I’m gonna burn the mistletoe down
To forget what happened under its boughs
And use it as minty poison on my lips
For your goodbye kiss, pucker up, and I’ll take it real slow
‘Cause I waited 359 days for the moment
Thar I could write another trite and cliched song
About my damn trashy special little snowflake
And how everyone got this christmas bullshit all wrong.
~*~
No, fuck you girl, I’m going out
I gave you my all, but our love hit a wall, now
I’m jingle belling, and everyone’s yelling
We’ll drink ’til the bars shut us down
Ain’t that just what Christmas is all about?