“I never meant to hurt nobody
I never meant to hurt you, no, no…”
acrid laughter is ringing in my ears
good-natured, perhaps, to them
but the sound pierces like twisted barbed wires
straight through the caliginous corners
of my teeth, bared like a regurgitated heart
and almost—if not just as—crimson
as the fucked-over severity in my demented head
but sometimes it feels good to simply pretend
that the banter is a little less than risque
and i let my agitation be fooled…what an idiot.
as i’m sorry plays like a stenographic record
etching deeper grooves in the back of their stares
but never playing the right kind of music
am i screaming a typhoon in your clear day parade?
i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i want to cut it out
i want to cut my fingers open to point it out
and take all the sharp-edged blame all for myself.
but my testy temper rides on the flexible bullet
severely mutilating this nascent entertainment
that masqueraders and pantomimists have played
for the melancholic, esoteric, plastic actor
and you insisted on applause and receptivity
despite my initial protests against it all
for i am not your contagious chemistry audience
but i surrender my scab blood to you anyway
and keep clapping on and on until my hands fall apart
like a marionette’s lamenting swan song;
like this borrowed skin that sheds itself as we speak.
their laughter is mutating into vicious sneers
stabbing like blunt edges of a mangled fountain pen
and making me grit my shattered teeth—
your fogged-over eyes interpreting it as a smile
amused, but i’m simply bemused by my endurance.
i’m tired. i’m tired. i’m so fucking tired.
of the teasing testing taking terrors tampering
with my dysfunctional mood, its revolution ever retrograde…
it’s not your fault. did i ruin your sunshine again?
i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.