Tag Archives: insomnia

Mary’s Counting Dead Sheep Again

Mary had a little dream
Her eyes were blank and cold
And everywhere that Mary went
The beasts were sure to go…

~*~

Another night spent where there’s nothing but wasted thoughts arbitrarily presenting itself behind my star-sewn eyelids, slaughtering and slandering what little is left of the fleecy drowsiness that I stared the myriad astral bodies into. Horizons blend from honeysuckle sunsets into a velvety-rich midnight, every jaded memory and faded remembrance lying somnolent on my bed, and activated by the flick of an overused lamp switch. Nondescript chagrin is pressing softly at the back of my inundated throat; later on I’m aware that this force will grow until I begin to choke and fail to intake oxygen. For now, I exhale tiredly. The weight of the world trails behind my breath and sinks in the disturbed dust, kicking up old resentments.

I feel vexed. I shouldn’t be trusted to live up to the chimerical expectations that everyone has written down for me in indelible ink, as if it was the byzantine code that would unlock my stubborn rusted heart if they sharpened their blunt needles and tattooed it under the layers of my diaphanous flesh, into my clenched and straining muscles. It hurts, doesn’t it? The bared grins sneer unsympathetically, claws holding me down with incontestable strength, and it’s all I could do to complacently nod, cautiously wary of the glinting guillotine that’s dangling only inches away from my stiffened neck. I’m merely a plaster-cast mind, deranged and cracking under the pressure of the tattered cassock’s final judgment, and someday they will unsheathe me and mock my abstract art.

Despite the vainglorious efforts, painstaking hands filling in the voided gaps with purified liquid gold won’t fix me. It may look to be a desirable effect; yes, and perhaps it would do me good to have a little bit of luminance in the bare, simple vessel I questionably call my body. But in the end it’s nothing but a deceitful playact, an illusion of smoke and mirrors, fragrant cerise roses beneath the ravenous mucilage monster waiting for dear sweet Mary to reach out her delicate hands and get her cherry blonde locks entangled in the lethal thorns. And I do not wish to be darling strawberry-cheeked Mary, adored and oh-so glorified by everyone, yet playing the unfortunate lifeless victim in the end. I won’t be the one being grieved over, I won’t be at the receiving end of the sword; rather, I’ll be the merciless hand holding the ax and wiping the poison off her pallid blue lips.

And where does the verdict of the counseling jury lie, staring down upon me condescendingly with my indelible inked-on vices and gaping neck wounds from grazing the guillotine blade and the inevitable tempered gold patching up my shattered bones, as I hide the bloody murder weapon behind my back and cross my broken fingers, still tasting little Mary’s most saccharine sin and feeling the prickling sensations dig deep into my engraved palms? Will they immediately claim me guilty? Or is my goading charisma enough to get the edacious wolves begging for my forgiveness to save the hunt for another day? The questions hang from my pastel ceiling dreamily, yet the answer rests in my lurid nightmares, I know. I know. For now, I hold my breath and slowly close my star-sewn eyelids, counting the wasted thoughts dragging into another night spent and another soul selling out. One, two, three, four, five…

~*~

…They followed her when she woke up
She woke up, she woke up
They crept into her fragile heart
And made its beating stop.

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Filed under Prose

blood and whiskey

You’ve got to quit your little charade
And join the freak parade
Now that your road has been paved
From conception to your grave
There are enormous things to do
Others’ practices to eschew
To be better than you is impossible to do
But the world won’t stop without you!

~*~

sin after sin

vice after vice

piling them all in

i’m done playing nice

underhanded pains

underage drinking

do i give a fuck

i’m slowly sinking?

being sober is too taxing

feeling is such a drag

overthinking is caustic

my heart is making me gag

bitter tastes good

and wrong feels right

let’s screw up my system

one by one tonight

one for flesh, mutilated

two for kidney, bathed in salt

three for liver, fried away

four for system, sleep default

five for the soul i thought

i could finally save then

but i revert into misery

again and again and again

where’s the harm

in a little indulgence

when all life’s given you

is bullshit and nonsense?

don’t know what i’m doing

i don’t want to even mind

all i care about is transgressions

and i’m falling behind

so numb i couldn’t even feel

the sound of my voice

and i laugh without smiling

a horrible fucking noise

trying to forget the mistakes

that i tallied in crimson

i’m cutting my pain in half

taking advice from king solomon

because innocence is fragile

and soon it will goddamn shatter

until your regretful stupidity

is all that even matters

sin after sin, vice after vice

it gets better they say, but fuck, it’s all lies

and i’m only trying to have some fun

in a hellhole of an existence that offers me none.

~*~

You’re only as elegant as your actions let you be
A piece of chaos related phylogenetically
To every living organ system, they’re siblings don’t you see
The earth rotates and will revolve without you constantly.

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lassus

a constant tired

slipping beneath the cracks

of my coeval bones

tasting my very energy

freezing my vigour

coalescing with my vitality

and sucking it all out

until i’m drained

and hollow.

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Filed under Poetry

narcolepsy

how can one

go to sleep

if they were

never truly

a w a k e ?

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Filed under Poetry

dormir

Let me rest

And shut down

To recover

And heal myself

Let me sleep

I’ll just slip away

Into oblivion

Don’t wake me up.

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Filed under Poetry

tylenol

solemn headaches

keep me awake

sleepless energy

past the dull ache

screaming migraines

keep me insane

insomniac clarity

past agonising pain.

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Filed under Poetry

Still of the Night

Keystone bridges clip the sky
From window seats, lean right over me
Smell my promises to take a pleasant start
Ease a sense of heart, give a little bit…

~*~

This city is often drowsy

But it never slumbers

It only pauses to hitch

An evening’s breath

Before returning to life

And bustle once more

Yet somehow, I prefer

the quiet city when it’s

Barely holding on, and

Almost passing out from

Asphyxiation, all before

Exhaling out stale zephyr

For a fresh glimpse of dawn

Circulating warm blood in

Its road and highway veins

Because in the almost-dead

Of the cityscape midnight,

Both darkness and silence

Ensconce houses within their

Enamoured embrace, as if

It was a cozy knitted tapestry

Quite comforting and familiar

As the sodium-lit stars and

The silver mercury moon

Hesitate not to provide hearts

With soft goodnight kisses

And in the not-quite dead

Midnight from this vespertine

Escape on a cityscape reverie

Is when I take the deepest sighs

And finally take my own share

Of the oxygen that gets stolen

By crowds in suffocating daylight.

~*~

Maybe you were my song
Don’t have to stay too long
Fed up with your friends
Whatever I could do to mend it now…

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Filed under Poetry

somnum

i either

sleep

too much

or not

at all.

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Filed under Poetry

aftershocks

last night

was just a

total fucking

trainwreck

and tonight

is just the

collateral

damage.

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Filed under Poetry

tossing & turning

every bone

within my body

screams tired

it’s barely

before midnight

but i’m ready

to be taken

into the throes

of sweet oblivion

and sleep

but insomnia

keeps pulling me

back into the

inevitable cycle

that i end up

falling for

every single night

polar opposites

like a magnet

rending me apart

to shreds inside

until i bleed

i don’t know

what i should do

i’m too frustrated

i’m so confused

and i’m just fucking tired

and sick of this

internal tug of war

—[depression     versus     anxiety]—

battling inside

my system

but in the end,

they both always win

and i fucking l o s e.

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Filed under Poetry