Tag Archives: issues

multiverse

Remember me, she whispered
Heaven’s so far out of reach, and keep me close
Like a moment you’re afraid to leave
So now this is how it feels when you’re all alone
This is how it feels when your heart starts racing
You can ask but you’ll never know
The way it feels, the way it feels…

~*~

we’re not in the same universe anymore

and our tears flow in different states—

almost as that of plasma and gravity,

perhaps identical, but not at all the same.

the nostalgia creeps up like bated breaths

dead into the silence in the middle of the night

and it stays to suffocate the humid air—

and it stays to suffocate the insomniac mind.

there’s some form of sophisticated equanimity

that was achieved by neither of our farewells,

because the end was approaching at breakneck speed

and there simply wasn’t any time to be more polite

cutting out crass with guns we left in each other’s mouths

hoping the trigger doesn’t get pulled with our fingers

like issues, contorted into funny shapes that don’t make sense

breaking off has never been so easy as a lacklustre smile

but the stars never forgive, even when they forget

and the light from the horizon flickers indistinguishably

forming a supernova of your voice, faint though almost palpable

branded like indelible ink stains on the canvas of my brain.

this reverberating staccato, this thoughtless caprice, this infinite lethargy…

it never ceases to write cold epistles even when i am fast asleep.

oftentimes, i look into the other dimension of that cracked mirror

into the faceless impostor, the version of me that existed

before you killed it off, and before i killed you off in my plane,

and wish to the efflorescing quarks that you’re feeling the same way.

~*~

Lost and terrible, hollow in ways you’ll never know
If it’s all in my head, all in my head
It’s heavier now than it’s ever been, so fake a memory
Keeping me quiet underneath
And if this is the end, if this is the end
Destroy everything and make it new again…

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Let’s Talk About Not Talking About It

Well I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said
I’m telling it straight ’cause it might be the only chance I get
Just shut up, just shut up, would you stop telling me who I am?
I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said…

~*~

Some people find it really easy to write about themselves.

I respect them for that. For being able to express innermost thoughts and more private sentiments in articulate ways, and for having that certain imbued capability in their writings where other people could read their catharsis and be able to feel all their emotions, sympathise with their plights, and look at the world in another perspective, in their own personal perspective. Of course, even if they can’t exactly relate to whatever situation that person is caught up in, they could still nod their head understandingly, dole out some hopeful dime-a-dozen platitudes, and perhaps even offer some needed advice to them, just as normal human beings should.

Whenever I attempt to write about myself, my life, or my current feelings, I tend to drown it in cryptic nuances and fuck-all metaphors that are so incredibly twisted to the point where even I don’t find any sense in it anymore. That’s why I’m more adept with poetry than prose, and why I find music to be the most therapeutic outlet for myself, above anything else. And also why I hate the shit out of essays and formal writing so much. But in the rarest blue-moon times when I try to abandon that sort of familiar style and write something that’s concise and straight to the point, in simple words that are the closest to the truth, it always makes me so disgusted with myself because I always sound like I’m whining too much and making such a big deal out of nothing. And even then, I couldn’t help but add way too much labyrinthine sentences and complicated head-scratching quips to sugarcoat the naked ugliness of it all. Case in point, this very write-up itself. Sweet irony to further press the point.

I’ve always found it difficult to talk about myself. I don’t know exactly what what happened to me that made me turn out to be this way, but whenever I try to open up, a million desperate hands pull me back inside as a thousand alarm bells seem to scream and flash red lights inside my head, all of these, all at once, giving me a major dose of anxiety that takes a long while to wear off. I never know how to be completely honest without feeling awkwardly uncomfortable, and vice versa, it’s a great struggle for me when people start getting too real and personal with me. I tend to be a very secretive person, and I’m not a great support to come running to when you got problems and need to talk it out, because I’ll probably just intensify the headache that you already have and turn it into a full-blown migraine. Trust me, some of what-unsurprisingly-scant friends I have can testify for that fact in front of a court jury with both their hands on the bible.

(But on the plus side, being a secretive person also means that I’m basically Fort Knox when it comes to keeping the secrets of other people, so…redemption??)

I try my very best to be comforting and truthful when times call for it, but somehow, I could never completely shake off that vague feeling of uncertainty, that constant nagging voice at the very back of my mind that tells me that I’m doing something wrong, or tells me that I’m not doing enough, or tells me that I’m fucking overcompensating, or whatever stupid made-up issues it has with my attempt to act like a decent human being. I’ve always just found it easier to repress everything, every difficulty and emotion that’s going on in my overwhelmed mind, to simply keep it all to myself no matter how dire it is, rather than to bother anyone else with it, and I’ve always found it easier to keep people at a ten-foot pole’s length with acerbic witticism and sarcastic dismissals, because when they get too close, someone would always get hurt, and it always ends in a devastating fallout.

To put it shortly, I don’t know how to be empathetic. And I don’t know how to make people empathise with me. Up to now, I’ve always convinced myself that it was my biggest strength.

But perhaps…it just might be my greatest weakness.

~*~

I know I have issues
But I don’t need to hear it coming from you
It’s something that I’ll work through
The beating of my heart’s not stopping anytime soon
It’s not stopping anytime soon…

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Janus and the Beast

There’s nothing like a trail of blood
To find your way back home
And nothing feels as cold inside as heaven down below
I’ve been lost and never found, afraid
To speak my truth out loud
With empty hands I came into this world
And I’ll leave just the same…

~*~

Blood smeared on the walls

Like the smiles on your two faces

Taunting a mechanical reaction

Of storms and clever rhetorics

That died of natural causes

.

But the truth is far from you

This miserable incineration

Of my outer demons breaking

Leaving the scar issues making

News all over my gossipy skin

.

And my migraine’s headlining

Medications inventing versions

Of the story no one wants to tell

Stigmata leaving sensible stigmas

Bitter bidding angels wish you hell

.

Blood smeared all over the walls

Like the frowns on your two faces

Making a cruel definition agreed

Of cyclones and asinine comebacks

That revived the primal nature in me.

~*~

Death, you cannot take me, you’ve tried and failed before
With everything so deafening, each breath worth fighting for
I refuse to be your casualty ’cause pain has its reward
No longer trapped in agony, you cannot take me, I survive the storm…

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I’ll Play to Win, You’ll Pay to Lose

I’ll be the winner, I can take this shallow game by force

The consequences can wait later, let things run their course

The curses I hid at the very back my tongue are threatening to spill

And I’ve got a camera to shoot and a scandal set up for the thrill

It’s contagious and dangerous, but don’t be such a coward

If you keep up the act and smile behind the pain, you’ll get a reward

I swear I need some room to breathe, so stay the hell away

I’m playing dirty, so sob and sue me, it’s a lawsuit for another day

The flavour of the day is anguish with a side of fake issues

In cigarettes smouldering on the ashtray and numbers written on tissues

Forget all common sense, it’s what I need, let’s make this happen

And if I told you another secret for the moment, would you start to listen?

Dearest enemy, I give you my trust and all the blame there is to gain

I’ll check you off my list, I’m done with you, don’t try to explain

Desperate hearts resort to desperate measures, so pick your card and bluff

I’ll be the jack in the deck and cheat with a smile and handcuffs

This should be enough, but you always wanted a little more

Don’t wipe away the dry clean slate when I’m trying to keep score

Hold me down and keep me around, I’ll entertain your sick satisfaction

And when I take my break and pause, I’ll slip you the poison

You’re young and deluded, and every breath is a knife in your chest

Trophy eyes that shine and rust, you think life will simply give you the rest

Hang on to my every words and give me away to the waiting crowd

Have you had your fill? Don’t make me a big thing and say those things aloud

Pose as you hold me closer, guarantee me utmost confidentiality

This one-night stand is controlling, I’m disclosing faith and losing my identity

I’m declaring war and flashing you my dorsal fins and sharp bite tooth

But I’m telling you that it’s the truth, it’s the truth, it’s the truth

You say it was an accident, and I believe you and your best friend

But just go back home and contemplate, this is the beginning of our end

I’m going down but I’m not out for the count, I’m here to please

I know things you don’t know, does that hurt to even question these?

I know you won’t be able to change face to face, so don’t fix what ain’t broken

You’re so wrong when you say I’m right with the words I’ve spoken

I’ll let you have a taste of me but take caution, I’m the thorn in your throat

Is it that hard to swallow? Drink your wine if you don’t wanna choke

Clean up the mess you made, line them up, line them up, and knock them down

These rules were made so you can ignore them and flash your golden crown

Hate loves company but three makes for a crowd, I bet we won’t make it

So don’t advise me about high places, I’ll just about fall for any one of your shit

You’re so selfish, so save your scarlet kisses for the ones in need

The boys are here to take their share, feed, and indulge in their cruel greed

Don’t remind me of the septic way you make amends for yourself

I’ll accept you and your misery, but damn, it’s just fucking bad for my health

Watch your mouth, don’t spit it out, I’ll tighten the gag between your lips

It’s a storm of jealousy, let’s just take the middleman out and skip

We’re running out of time, our lying bodies keep saying we’re just fine

But the crumpled letters on my bedside say I’m paying for another cold crime

I keep my enemies close, but you’re so special, I’ll keep you even closer

I’m on my own and I need you more than ever, but I’ll walk ahead and say never

If this is what it takes to fix another detonated wasteland falling apart

Then beat me, we don’t give and take, we steal and never know how to restart

You go too far, push out the walls, we’ll never heal if we keep reopening the cuts

I’m screaming my apologies to the sky, but your crying eyes stay shut

It’s much safer if there’s a line to be crossed, and it’s much safer if you stay gone

The pages are ripped out of the book again, and the story goes on and on

I didn’t want to find out like this, things could have been much better if I stay

But you knock me down and hang me out, and you’re forcing me to do things your way

I will be the winner, I’ll murder my pride and reputation just to have a bit of fun

And when I emerge triumphant and you’re crawling on the ground, we’ll see who’ll be the better man.

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Flag Half-Mast

Litter of trash and debris of corpses

Stench of blowflies, decay, maggots

Counting the casualties, all-in losses

With ideologies of an exorbitant rot

Pay no attention to its sickly colours

Huddle under naught but old prayers

All left unheard by those with power

Desecrating humans into scavengers

Scattered, diseased, a corrupted vein

Severed from life of a wicked system

For economy, for democracy or idiocy

Wolves in suits thirst more for insanity

The nation is mourning in bereft wails

But everyone gregariously hears to fail

And they’re too busy bickering over the sound

Of a dead country being lowered on the ground.

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Filed under Poetry

Fine Lines and White Lies

Am I out of line

To tell you that

You’re not fine?

You tossed the

Agony and put

Away from time

You jumped off

The deep edge

Of the blue bed

And like pastel

Lipstick of pink

You badly bled

And you nearly

Drowned on the

Alcohol bottles

That litter your

Floor like a pub

Late hour battle

You resolved all

Of the inane and

Sordid of issues

Within dangling

Knives alongside

Smeared tissues

Desperation and

Backyard dances

Nights are silver

Run from the sun

In the throes of a

Haunted summer

Ransack this place

Find me or free me

From titanium walls

You trip out of love

Everything’s ok, but

Nobody even calls

I’ve saved someone

And left them alone

Is that a cold crime?

And am I out of line

By confessing that

You can’t ever be mine?

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Fifty Ways to Die; A Million Ways To Live

I’ll meet you down at the metro station
‘Cause this motherfucker’s got my motivation
Now I’m gonna show you how much I love you
Oh, my magazine is full of ugly things
Don’t need this system, we can kill them if we try
Shoot up everything we see and we’ll find it
On the wall, I hope you die…

~*~

Come on, come on, and take a round at the gun

You can lie to me baby, and say you’re having fun

Come on, come now, steal the burnt Florida lights

If the gas mask doesn’t kill you, then we can start a fight

.

Heartbreaks and drama blaring on the television again

Spread on the media hysteria like chunky blended sin

Synthetic reality production, I’ve never felt more human

The strip clubs, the genocide, a hundred percent and one

.

Juvenile halls festering in the garbage disposal fee

Won’t you pay for my bail, dad? I’d screw you for free

Gagged bullets, and you only got one shot to speak

And the secret is in the bullhorn, that’s the magic trick

.

Progress and fame, I’ve got the lubricants to a landslide win

That perky girl in the centrefold’s a jerk, if you know what I mean

Faith is unavailable in your local hospital vacancy traffic

Billie killed the fucking DJ in the party, so we’ll learn to dance without music

.

Turn the dial on the violence, the TV guide’s uncensored

They show carnal sex onscreen but everyone’s still bored

We’re big boys with small toys in a chest box world here

Exterminate this systematic failure, let the price we pay as fear

.

So come on, come on, show your hand up and play emotions

I’ll encourage your pain and your complete cooperation

So come on, come now, break down the Berlin barrier wall

Detonate like terrorist bombs only if you’ve got the balls

.

Laser beams crisscross a Fortune 500 bastard’s safe locks

Get your latest sycophantic update from Mr. Richbucks

This is the government getaway, and it’s starting to get hot

But don’t take off your clothes yet, you gotta show them what you got

.

Contrite as angel’s ass, a bitch holiest burning in hell

If you need your fix, I’ve got the injection tying off and the spell

Thick as political skulls and thick as blood on the water

Machine guns at the ready, three two one, here comes the slaughter

.

Automatic weapons cocked, antimatter and cigarette packs

Motorcycles and crash test dummies ready for the hack

Mall security ain’t got nothing on the stashed away dope

And we’ve got guts—literally, and the blessing of the pope

.

Recite every reason why you simply don’t give a single damn

Radiation won’t kill us idiots, but loss of common sense can

Left wing, right tail, let the tears dry up the skyscraper and the sun

We’ll murder the sky for ourselves, don’t think, just jump and run!

.

So come on, come on, stick your middle fingers high and proud and tall

That is your personal public apology for making anarchy ideology fall

So come on, come now, where the hell’s your brain in all this bullshit?

Information overload imminent, and we’ll explode as we all sing fuck it!

~*~

Manipulation just to form an alibi
You’re the prototype for me
And if heaven wants us they can…
I hate you, kill everybody!

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