Tag Archives: leave

No One Does It Better

If these whispered words don’t make sense

Because all the things you say are in past tense

I’ve never seen a frown quite like yours, dear

We’re moving too quick, I can barely see past the tears

.

Things won’t change with the blink of a blue eye

There’s a crash in the system, and a sun that won’t die

Leave it all behind when your feet is barely touching the ground

Searching for a secret place where you could never be found

.

Let’s stay out late and laugh about the childish lies that could never be

If I chain myself to your bleeding wrists, would I be set free?

But somehow there’s a moral somewhere in this addicting vice

I’ll simply smile behind your back and I’ll play nice, I can play nice

.

This was nothing but trouble, but it was all worth it to me

We’re going down, I told you about how it’s gonna go wrong badly

The alarm is sounding, red lights flashing, and we’re dancing under fire

Can you still hear me as you drown under the depths of desire?

.

The bitter taste was my saving grace, my only reason to live

I’m too tired to find my problems now, I’m too tired to know what I can give

I don’t know what I was thinking when I pulled the curtains shut

The rope around my neck is keeping me hanging on, please understand that

.

I would be out of line to say how damn beautiful you look tonight

But even if I’m not allowed to speak, that doesn’t mean that I’m not right

I was hoping to take a hold of the lost future we saved for the last

It wasn’t the best we had, but it’s better compared to the past

.

The headache is beginning to grow, I think it’s highly contagious

The room is spinning and my vision’s blurring, and I’m going delirious

Your honesty is something to be jealous about, and your vanity’s not your sin

Your virtues burn faster than your cigarettes, inhale the smoke within

.

I woke up with all your bags packed and gone, and the cab you hailed was denying

This is just another difficult test, and it’s one that I seem to be failing

The grudges I held onto left faster than your memories, I’m not losing sleep over you, it’s true

And if there’s any reason to move past, dear, no one does it better than you.

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4 a.m. depression and jealous pasts dripping off the ceiling

thrumming

like fucking echoes

of a firefly miracle

in my coronary doldrum

beating, b-r-o-k-e-n

tongue hanging off

like the way the stars

hold on for gravity but

fall against pierced glass

of darkness anyways

i’m relapsing, r e  c   e    d     i      n        g

the past is killing me again

i say i’m alright

but shit, what if i lied

to myself as well?

the cringes that burrowed

their way into my gelid skin

and gutted my stomach

until i end up heaving in

blood and bile and scissor blades

and choking on perfume

as sweet as promises undone…

fuck you. fuck YOU

please leave me alone, walk

away from my nightmares and

leave my sanity on the doormat

i don’t want to taste your pain

and leave drunk calls on

your answering machine again.

please stop me from you

everything is hurting like hell

on a four a.m. depression

and i’m just trying to fucking

take back sunday and my sleep

from you, so spare me the

profanities and give it back

please, won’t you?

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Dead Giveaway

It’s a been a day, it’s felt like an age
Since I have seen you a face to face
So we can say what we need to
I know you’ve changed, you don’t look the same
We all make mistakes, these growing pains
It’s just a phase we have to go through…

~*~

That’s all I got to give

So I understand if you leave

Our generations train tracks apart

Of the collision you had a part

No, I won’t waste your breath

With my apologies tasting of death

I won’t confuse your mind at all

With drunk dials and alcohol

There’s no more to be lost none

No more lies to dim the sun

There is more to be found again

But I guess see you until then

I gave you all my blades and insanity

I gave all but my own humanity

But you can’t bother with my digits

And flushed my memory down the toilet

Dear, you have been mine for longer

Than I ever reckoned to ponder

Guess torture was my drug to love

Self-esteem you sucked with your touch

But there’s no more sacrifices to plead

No more guilty consciences to lead

Hell, I’m happier than I’ve ever been

But I wonder why you’re still staring?

Really, if we’re better off this way

I don’t think I have anything else to say

‘Cause this is all I have got to give

So don’t be surprised when I finally leave.

~*~

I’ve been wasting all these nights
Trying to keep you off my mind, yeah
You off my mind, but no more
What are you searching for?
What are you looking for?
I don’t think you know…

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Room for Seconds

Cold pizza, tie-dye shirts (I don’t care)
Broken hearts, give ’em here
Give ’em here (Where you’ve been)
Hand me downs, gimme gimme
Leftovers, gimme gimme (How many miles)
Sloppy seconds, give ’em here
Give ’em here (I still love you)…

~*~

It’s not the fault of San Andreas

That you went way over the line

Bone chips stuck out of your skin

As you said you were simply fine

Narcotic pain and conversations

Over the rusted telephone booth

And I’ve got teeth marks on me

When you bit me with the truth

I was just your sloppy seconds

Devouring my entire existence

And when you fed your demons

You no longer needed assistance

I was just the emotional baggage

That you left ticking at the airport

You’re contemporary, I’m vintage

So you cut my oxygen tube short

And I was too desperate for shit

I barely felt the knife in my back

I guess salty wasn’t your flavour

So you burnt me charred black

I took my low blows with stride

You chewed with mouths open

Wiped your lipstick off the side

Your goodbye was resentment

And it’s a damn shame we fell out

The bed was shrinking fast for two

I ended up sleeping on the ground

The lies were clear: it’s me or you

But don’t you leave me hanging now

I’m starving and I will be playing fair

And I’ve got enough room for seconds

Even though I know you’d never share.

~*~

And there is not a single place
That I would rather be
I’m fucked up just like you are
And you’re fucked up just like me…

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Stargirl and the Rocket Lights

You are a curiosity, or a mental case, as some called it rather crudely and dismissively, and you knew everyone noticed. But they didn’t care, and neither should you. One day, you impulsively proclaimed, whilst balancing on the top of a redwood tree branch, that disappearing acts never got old, so you said goodbye to your squirrel friend, clambered down the tree hurriedly, and dashed home. You burst into your room with a loud door slam, gathered up your paraphernalia, grabbed your half-full rucksack dotted with strange pins and souvenir keychains, which was patiently waiting by your ramshackle oakwood cabinet, and began haphazardly shoving various motley things inside. Once you were finished cleaning up and made even more of a mess in the process, you quickly plastered a teddy bear print band-aid on your cheek from where the rough wood accidentally scratched and left a thin red mark, clumsily tied your DIY pinstriped Keds’ purple and green shoelaces, stretched out—as if competing in a marathon—on an abandoned Twister board on your carpeted floor, and finally you left the house, chasing your dissolution without so much as a backward glance. The first part was easy. The next part was easier.

The nightwalking horizon was tinted virtually the same colour as your ripped stonewashed denim overalls, the reticulated stars were in implausible full burst and clearly visible, a myriad riot like the splattered black inkstains on your bohemian tie-dyed shirt, and the moon was shaded exactly and uncannily like your ivory silk flower leggings, the number of the craters perfectly aligned with the number of the frayed holes by your knees, the ones you tore yourself with zigzag safety scissors. The dreamy air tasted faintly like bubblegum ice cream, and the astral bodies were softly clicking into their designated places, a marvellous tableaux of God’s fanciful ethereal jigsaw puzzle. Nothing more was to be prepared; all you had to do was pass against the serendipitous turn of time. That particular task in itself was no difficult feat for your whimsical affinity. The other factor to consider was your destination. Invariably, it didn’t matter which bus you got on, if you were even waiting for a bus at all, for you have an overpowering ominous sensation within your heart that you’ll always inevitably end up on a wayward road, diverging on the intersection to nowhere. And in your own quote unquote words, as that one cliché that nobody says goes, signal for the universe and the galaxy will come.

Your vintage analogue Hello Kitty clock ticked sluggishly second by second, and the small candy floss pink lights by the side came to life and began to glow fervently as the hands struck exactly 8 PM. You had a lot of time to spend thereon and then, sitting prim and taciturn on the graffitied wooden bench, waiting for the longest forever. You intertwined scarlet camellias on your plaited geranium hair and held it in place with a gargantuan leopard-print scrunchie. You tapped your hands, plucked a few sweet and sour notes on your marmalade-orange ukulele, and hummed a Joy Division song melodically, and you laughed quietly when you flubbed the chorus with a splintered squeak. You counted the cheap glittery stars you stuck on your plastic journal even though you knew the number by heart, some microscopic yellow speckles transferring to your skin as you absentmindedly peeled one at the side with a polkadotted fingernail. You scribbled lines of guitar keys, and doodled literal intricate keys without paired locks, onto the slightly-torn cover page with a blueblooded space pen, and used the same pen to trace the wiry butterfly outline on your right ankle. You observed with childish wonder and twinkling heterochromatic dandelion eyes as prams, automobiles, taxis, and tallyho’s passed by you in an amicable whirlwind breeze and friendly engine revving. There were a billion tangible stars in this side of the dimension, just a little more than the glamorous stars shining on your notebook, and you can pluck each and every single one off their orbit. You had a lot of fun little preoccupations, and the time on your hands seemed almost eternal.

Time was up. When it seemed like the aberrant clocks hitched their breaths and you’ve done a thousand and one tasks to fill such a lacuna, finally, Hello Kitty’s spinning hour hand gingerly moved into its designated place. The moment it touched the notch and exactly as the pink lights began their little show, you tilted your chin until it was higher than your freckled button nose, and stared enthusiastically at the empty tranquil sky. As if on cue, your implausible carpool vehicle hurtled imperceptibly from beneath the atmosphere, burning the crepuscular firmament’s concrete shadows at light-year speed, and arrived with a dissuaded thump, to take you away from such a bland and diluted planet. Tucking a stray highlighted neon hair back in your pierced and heavily-ornamented ears, you cautiously replaced the overflowing tatterdemalion notebook back in your bag, bounced on your heels and stood up with lilting sneakered toes, and ceremoniously stepped into that rocketship invention calmly, without any nuance of surprise or astonishment. It seemed you would simply walk straight and be swallowed whole by the blinding flash, but at the last moment, you turned back at the dominating darkness and sent a quaint, fragile, almost palpable air-kiss flying from your painted ruby lips and painted dainty fingers onto the open space. The entire population of the world must have felt a faint zephyr graze their cheek softly at that very moment, but they were too naïve to even bother with noticing it. Yet you said your polite goodbyes, so it didn’t matter. You grandiosely waved a final farewell, the tattooed patterns on your arms spinning and dancing with pastel motion, and you smiled lazily, quite cryptically, as the metallic-gold doors closed in dénouement with a sibilant hiss and a burst of flourishing steam. The metaphysical vessel roared as it propelled into ignition again, shooting up into the sky immediately and billowing into evanescence out of peripheral view, and you were gone with it. Your wish was granted, and you permanently left behind the life you always tolerated with distaste, into a more interesting place with a better yesterday, and no one cared…except for one.

Stargirl, when you ran away and stole the cornflower moon with you from the midnight sky to elope, did you think no one would be interested? When you vanished and charmingly serenaded the sun into a retrograde motion, did you think no one would find out? Did you ever think, for a single heartbeat, that when your star, hiding in plan sight among millions of the other specks in the star-freckled sky, was quietly extinguished, I wouldn’t even notice?

I out of all people would hate to admit such a fact, but for once in your extraordinary yet ephemeral existence, Stargirl, you were wrong.

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Of Detestable Desires and Despicable Devotions

This isn’t fair, no
Don’t you try to blame this on me
My love for you is bulletproof
But you’re the one who shot me…

~*~

I don’t understand any of this.

All this opposite similarity, juxtaposed like faded victorian photos in a chromolithograph pendant, an elegant display of memory destruction. Your perfect contradictions. Your earnest sarcasm. Your subtle noticeability. Your intellectual nonsense. How I fell down towards the sky for you. It’s so confusing.

You’re so confusing.

You were the aspirating medicine that poisoned me into debilitation. You were the rusty nail that pierced my discoloured skin and cured my tetanus. You were the hypodermic injection of the drug that made me so high I began to hit the ground.

You were the disease that saved my life.

You were the shadows that kept me comforted as you beckoned the monsters on. You were the darkness that provided me with light at the end of the hopeless tunnel. You were the lingering dawn that never allows me to catch the faintest glimpse of sunrise.

You were black and white, respectively.

You played the professional doctor while you tore experiments down my wrists and carved notches in my backbones. You stitched my wounds shut as you proceeded to open fresh ones. You were my ravelled bandages, and you left me to bleed out.

You were the death cure that nearly killed me.

I was invincibly bulletproof until you shot me with a guillotine. You were a modern day Midas and you turned my stone heart to gold, but you stubbornly refused to touch your own coalfield chest. You were the concentrated oxygen that asphyxiated me as I inhaled your fumes to breathe suffocation.

You were the safest dangerous thrill.

You were fire, burning empires in angry hate and providing towns incandescence in softest hope. You were water, drowning cold lungs and circulating warm blood. You were earth, burying emaciated corpses underneath with moonlight requiems as efflorescent verdancy pushes upwards to greet the ode of the sun.

You were an element that can build and destroy at the same time.

You were the ministerial soldier in a war who offered me the white flag and bayoneted me in the head as I reached for it. You were the scholarly literature that emptied my mind of all knowledge. You were the coronary-inducing suspense that never left me hanging resolutely.

You were the worst kind of poetry.

You were so singularly ironic that you could cure anaemia. I wanted to explore and extricate your simple complexities, so I can finally solve it and leave your unending mystery alone. You were killing me ever so slowly, making me crave for eternal sleep, so that when I die, I can awake to life.

You were the gravity that made me float, and I can’t pull away.

You were never a singular personality. You were murderer who cries over his victims, a mad scientist reviving the patients she killed, a lunatic lover looking for some sanity in the moon. You were a compassionate sociopath, a sinful saint, a lying candour, an innocent hatred. You were a grotesque beauty, you were eternally ephemeral, you were a cruel god.

You were an impossibility.

Most of all, you were hopelessly incomprehensible. I could research the entire world, ascend above human rationale, learn relentlessly for a thousand years, and yet I can still never begin to comprehend the very thought of you. And you are clever, yes, elegantly clever and yet so barbarously sadistic, my love. You knew I wouldn’t ever understand, I was just like the rest of them, so you walked away from me without a second thought and left me. You left me hurting emotionally and physically, you left me for good, and you left me for dead.

You are despicable beyond measure, and I can never leave you.

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cardboard nightmares from san diego

Failing lights amass
One hundred sleepless nights
And I might be holding on too tight
But there’s a beast in my heart
And he won’t let you leave alive…

~*~

i can’t sleep

your narcotic songs

serenading

the darkness

like strong coffee,

like an addicting pill,

like my eternal fix

that keeps

me craving as

it doesn’t

leave me hanging,

are keeping me

up again.

with a blanket

for a noose

and blacktop

curtains lacing

my hazy nightmares,

the bracelets

you tore off your

lungs constricting

tearing at the

glitch in my

stupid beating heart

as sanguine souls

fended them

all away.

the delusional

circus polluting my

mind like

strangers at a

party, and

i feel like i’m

eating cardboard

and liquid nitrogen

through the

hole in my chest,

and it makes

me sophisticated

even though

the tines on my

fork are being

held by the monster

in my head.

i feel like

i’m cheating

as i begin to

see stars

on the ceiling,

in zero gravity

spinning madly

to make the

cracks and paint

peel disappear;

but heaven didn’t

anticipate to

sacrifice halogen

lights just so

i can waste it

on you.

hallucinatory visions;

the stavanger sky

that glowed

with pitch black

and stole my

knives for me,

the colourless eyes

that left their

suicide note on

the underside of

the mattress,

the tattoos that

painted themselves

against but they

pierced the

wrong skin,

the hounding

of the astral voices

screaming my

lullabies for me

like choirs

of a wasteland,

my thoughts

constructed like

a kindergarten artwork

with messy hands

and a vestige

posed irrationality,

everything…

it’s fucking me up.

nightmares;

of you and your

caramel gaze,

honeyed flesh,

and barbed wires

of your tangled hair

and that unique

playful anarchy

of a foreign ethnicity

laughing wild

all this hopelessness

infesting…

you’re fucking me up.

leave my

unconsciousness,

won’t you?

i can’t sleep.

~*~

This is the price you’ll pay
Thoughts in your head
That will never die…

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★ it’s cold ☆

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪

it’s cold.

i was never one for

summery days

yet i miss it when i

get one taste

i was never one for

springtime woes

yet i want showers

to chill my toes

i was never one for

autumn blues

yet i love the look

of foliage hues

i was always one for

winter snow

yet when you left

i realised it was too cold

i’m cold…

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪

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The Friend and the Firmament

The sky, in faint wisps of cloudy whispers, softly told her to hope, hope so hard that it hurt her warm palpitating heart and her quaint labyrinthine mind and the inner reaches of her fragile whimsical soul; simply hope, and the pressure from the hurt shall transform the sooty coal into a glimmering diamond, a luminous jewel with lethal angles cut into an impossible perfection.

So she smiled back and followed her dearest friend’s advice, and she hoped, hoped so hard and intense that it almost shattered her into a million unidentifiable pieces, but she gritted her teeth and clenched her knuckles and she held on to that painful hope, using it as a concrete anchor, hoping and holding for dear life.

Now the cunning hurt had buried itself in the deepest, most calignious nook of her spirit and being, the very entity that once nearly broke her in the first place now ironically keeping her together, and the proud, sneering, cruel hurt never left, no matter how hard she tried to expel it from within her.

She yelled frustratedly at the rapidly-fading sky and called it a liar and a traitor and an enemy and a multitude of degrading names more colourful than the most spectacular sunset that her lost companion had ever painted, asking for answers, barbed amalgamation of hope and hurt piercing itself deeper with every uttered jinx.

Yet in the end, she can only collapse in tiredness and futility, pityingly pleading, with viscid inky tears running down her cheeks and staining her moon-white cotton dress, for her dearest friend to remove the spreading hurt, the unrequited hope that poisoned her body and crippled her system and tore her soul apart.

But the sky had already turned dark, and the stars were nowhere to be seen.

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M O N S T E R × r e t s n o m

Turn away
If you could get me a drink of water
‘Cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favourite colours…

~*~

V.) MEDICINE × enicidem

Lying in limpid stasis, comatosed on a cold hospital gurney

As the sterile figures are wheeling me in, onto my last journey

Doctors with white angel wings, armed with swords of scalpel

Slashing away at the indomitable monster my body hid so well

.

Blast liquid radiation, intakes of chemo, concentrated vials

Dialysis emptying my veins, and attempting useless trials

A diagnosed creature transforming, stage 4 metastasised

As everyone glances at me sadly with glossy pitying eyes

.

So take away all the coloured calendars and the clocks that mockingly tick

Counting the seconds, hours, moments, all the years that I can never keep

Turn off the machines, disconnect my wires, I won’t be needing any longer

I’m ready to accept my ultimate fate, for I know now that I will be stronger

.

X.) MEMORY × yromem

Reminiscing our faded memoirs, on a dessicating ancient diary

Writ in intervals of ink, blood, love, our accrued stolen memories

Spending afternoons in the butterfly garden, tales of you and me

Living out with childish mirth, our own secret Mary Lennox fantasy

.

Writing out last wills and trembling letters of false painful assurance

To uncle John and Aunt Mary, to all my relatives first and secondary

I’ll miss you, loved ones, but you’ll forget me once you collect insurance

Keep my soul in your thoughts as you enjoy my unexperienced itinerary

.

Pack away all my things, store my belongings in a strong mulberry box

Those framed photos of mine on the mantelpiece, carefree and relaxed

Their quaint presents, trinkets, clover leaves, constellations for good luck

Keep them now carefully, for I won’t be needing any of them all that much

.

L.) MOURN × nruom

Make my image come to life again, make me beautiful, Mr. Mortician

Powder my gaunt, pallid complexion, make it a flourishing pink and fair

Dress me up in your finest silk and cotton habiliments, Mr. Mortician

And try to save what little you can from my raining withered haybale hair

.

Carry away my coffin into a cathedral solemnly, be bereft and lament me

Let the choir boys sing a melancholy requiem for the girl I’ll never marry

Rain down the roses, parting crowds like Moses, drowning on a red sea

Etch an epitaph on my tombstone, a final word of William Blake’s literary

.

Proclaim all the good things I’ve done right with my scanty epoch life

In my sepulchre, chisel my marble memorial with a dulled rusty knife

Hate me and berate me as you cremate me, a final prayer for your loss

A light drizzle of ashfall, leave me now in peace, to be buried, to repose

.

C.) MORTALITY × ytilatrom

Remember me, remember my name

Don’t you forget our whimsical days

Perhaps I’ll find a better home

In a field of crumbling gravestones

So goodnight for now, my dear

Don’t you cry such wasted tears

Maybe someday I’ll be back here

Smiling, none the worse for wear

.

Remember me, remember my pain

Don’t you forget me, lest I fade away

Perhaps there’s a blissful heaven

When the pendulum strikes eleven

So goodnight for now, my dear

This is goodbye for now, I fear

‘Cause this is when I disappear

Promise me someday you’ll meet me there.

~*~

My sisters and my brothers, still I will not kiss you
‘Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you…

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