Tag Archives: life

miasmatic

i am an insatiable hurricane; quietly violent and reckless to the touch.

i want to throw up every last drop of blood and ink and poison from my shivering body, until the strange hollowness i constantly feel is fully justified. i want to grab at my chest, wrench my ribs gaping open, and carve out my constricting lungs into prettier passageways so that i could finally breathe right again. i want to drill a hole at the back of my broken head and let all the awful thoughts come flooding out, i’ll let it grow into a sizable puddle and use the vile colours to cover up an empty canvas with pretty shades of hysteria. i want to scream, and scream, and SCREAM until someone listens to me, until someone is disturbed enough to care—i just want to know that i’m not invisible. i want to freely love and be loved without the choking fear of losing myself completely, but no one should ever have to suffer that way.

and me. and me. selfish human being, desiring an impossible life. an impossible life of happiness. of normalcy. of simplicity. of even just being fine for longer than a second. i want to find a soft spot beneath the earth and bury myself alive for a few centuries, hiding forgotten and patiently waiting until everyone and everything i used to know has inevitably gone away with the passing of time, and maybe then…maybe then, there would be a chance for me. maybe then, i wouldn’t have to keep desperately wanting anything for once. because then, i’ll only have what i truly need.

is that too much to ask for?

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Make It Count, Ilsa Lund

You cut me off, I lost my track
It’s not my fault, I’m a maniac
It’s not funny anymore, no it’s not
My heart is like a stallion
They love it more when it’s broken
Do you wanna feel beautiful?
Do you wanna?

~*~

You taste just like a brittle toothache

Wire me up and around and make me too fake

And I’ll swim inside your favourite shirt

While you’re still wearing it—now, does it hurt?

My esoteric youth’s breaking broken on your gaze

I’m surely unwise but I think I love that face

So let’s stay up early and get into trouble

Writing stupid songs to make weak hearts tremble

But this isn’t a sweet story, just another warning

On the back of a cigarette box, addicts and nicotine

Shove out all my oxygen and make me believe

That the dizziness is only a side effect of your kiss

I’m all fucked-up and high on your lows

But I’ll let you change your mind if you don’t let it go

You’re all fucked up and crashing down fast

But I’ll arrest it by the knifepoint just to make it last

Because you make me too endorphin reckless

And going for turbulence as my adrenaline amazes

The thrill of your tomorrow, slats set up for the kill

You hung me out to dry and held on to my life at will

But I’ll hold you against me like you’re my only crime

‘Cause I have forever to waste but I just don’t have the time

You taste like an existential crisis, you smell like baby stars

And I’d wear that fragrance everyday—do you mind going a bit too far?

~*~

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going, but
I don’t think I’m coming home
And I said, I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin and we’re starting at the end…

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tasteless skittles

how is your voice so incredibly exquisite?

i wish i could keep it—i wish i could keep it all for myself but i know that’s just a dumb dollar-store daydream now. i swear i’m not senselessly selfish but i couldn’t help all these hysterical feelings, fleeting and fumbled, collapsing and careening, swelling and spilling beyond my exhausted arms but i’m not tired of you yet; though every unsolved puzzle piece i propose to pick out is so pleasantly problematic.

you’re so weird, but i like that.

maybe it’s just blunt deception soon dropping dead to distance. maybe we’re both meant for nothing more than a peck on the cheek and passive-aggressive complacency. maybe i’m the popsicle puddle melting forever in your sweetest summer sadness—but i won’t be watered down. and i won’t hold you back. if you’d just wait a little bit longer, then maybe will turn into…

something else?

and i’ll be the one singing for you, this time. and you could keep it. you could keep it all for yourself. i won’t mind, i promise. it’s always been yours.

because—dearest applebee, you’re just so;

you’re just too incredibly exquisite.

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Asylum Fiction

Walk away, in a field of soft roses

Taint of blame and corrupted blood

Pointed fingers pricked on thorns

Carving out olden scars of liquid gold

.

Bloated bodies twisted like vineyard green

Of jealousy, of crushed lies, of purest arrogance

I’m a mere suture away from a finished letter

So cut my chest wide open and read all my sins

.

Surely, these careful feet won’t shatter on glass

That broke beneath the creaking floorboards

Ending the same—trickling droplets of roseate

Infatuated with bliss and miasma, vials of life

.

Almost unattainable, phantom cold to the touch

Picturesque memories sparsely hanging onto the

Dusty hallways crawling with naphthalene ghosts

Roaming, distorting portraits and jagged mirrors

.

And outside the garden terrace, in a field of soft roses

Porcelain bones are buried underneath, blooming with whispered prayers

From a catatonic past, long faded and frayed at the edges

Will you walk away now, or dwell until your soul withers with the seasons?

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Don’t Let Your Destiny Escape You

These hands hold up nothing but scars underneath
From swimming these oceans and learning to breathe
So often I tell them, so often they listen to me
So make me strong, there’s blood on my hands
But the killer’s not my enemy, it’s all for the sake of love, it’s all for you…

~*~

You spoke to me like an avalanche

That buried me in rocky trysts and throes

And cut my palms, you held so tight

I wished my numb hands could let you know

.

How much it meant, how much the cost

The blanketed statements against the snow

Stained with pure crimson from my lips

It was more than a hazy hurricane of bliss

.

So I’ll open up to the skies every night

Letting lucky coincidences guide the light

A thousand miles, right into your dreams

Though the hope tears my heart at the seams

.

Now destiny prays, though we both lost faith

Was it worth it, when I forgot how to breathe?

Life’s just too short, you mumbled to heaven

It was worth it for me, but would you wait again?

.

So let’s do everything later and remember it now

I’m willing to pay the price to make it out somehow

Please keep your embrace wrapped tight around me

All before you fade away into this hollow obscurity

.

As I crash beyond the cliff and my body breaks

Into a million pieces built up of all our mistakes

I don’t mind the ocean, submerged in your blue

My thoughts will sink under, falling still for you.

~*~

I can feel your hands on my fingertips
I’m seeing oh-so clear, I know it’s for you
When all we know is falling, I’ll save something
For you, you who are all alone
When everything is beautiful, when everything’s okay
Even if it’s not okay, I’ll say, “it’s all for you”…

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A Summer In Saturday

A van packed with people

For a road trip in the dark

Spiraling with laughter and

Going around missing marks

.

Excursions set to weird luck

Trying to chase away the heat

And the languor creeping in

Won’t let this vacation be beat

.

Kicked up sand on gritty feet

Sudden blackouts set the scene

Chill as water, lips taste salty

Splash and splutter, call it mean

.

Kill the calm and the crowd

Noise on stereo, sodium glitter

Keep the stars and insanity

Smile for a picture underwater

.

Impulsive plans laid to stake

But we’ll keep faith under the moon

Home’s still a distant memory

And morning cannot come too soon

.

For a weekend settling tempers

A quick ocean swim to cool it down

Before the sun turns to shadows

And chaotic daylight comes around.

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innocent

i just want to be innocent again; to have the cracks in my fingernails repaired and the holes in my teeth patched up and my frayed nerves replaced, i want to unlace the dreadful knots in my veins and scare all of the bad thoughts away and find new ways to feel again, ones that do not involve hurt and hate and heartbreak, but instead holds laughter and hope and faithful love—simple words for a simple soul. i just want to be innocent again

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Filed under Prose

Nothing But Fairytales

Hear the strains of my moribund curiosity

Ringing distantly, an unanswered call I’m hanging

Around, not by the end of a swinging rope

But by the end of a clever line my mouth seems to spin

Into a smirk, hiding another bad fabrication

I’m sleeping with the giants and stealing their gold

Blind eyes wide open, ahead of the broken

Well I’m not a good person, or so I’ve always been told

But I didn’t murder saints just to be hailed

As the martyr of the century, though I have no sins

Only minor mistakes, augment that major fourth

For me, won’t you? I know that I’m falling

For a trick called existence, just the cause and effect

Oxygen hallucination, black out the nihilism unaware

And hold my breath for me, I’m not bitter out of spite

I’m just being realistic: if no one gives a damn, then was I even there?

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Fill The Void

Started with a little bit
Now I don’t know how to quit
Always feel inadequate
Same way that my daddy did
Mama told me not to try
And I should have taken her advice
And now I’m all twisted
When it’s all gone, I miss it…

~*~

I’ll delude myself with one more week

As if that would make any difference

Feel the rush of false accomplishment

Before the eleventh hour wears it off

.

Control drags furious scars down my limbs

Daring to tear past my cracked pretence

But I just want it to take me by the hand now

And lead me towards that pre-dug grave

.

For a minute of rest, I’ll shut myself

Close my lost eyes and simply throw it all away

The key, the lock, what I’ve worked for

That pointless persistence only fools dream of

.

When the spinning cycle makes me too dizzy

And my dragged footsteps are going nowhere

It’s much better off to be prepared for the worst

I apologise, it’s okay—I’ll be going home soon

.

Because this is always all the same, over and over

I’m tired of being tired, and I’m tired of being me

Distracting myself just so I could make it out alive

When I know there’s nothing left, so why should I be sorry?

~*~

I’ll fight just to do something
I’ll fight ’cause I got nothing
Else that gets me through the day
Till I find another way
I’ll fight just to do something
I’ll fight ’cause I got nothing
Even if I lose again, I can’t quit…

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(Don’t) Turn Back To Me

Somewhere along the way, I somehow convinced myself to play

The waiting game like it meant a thing, like I wouldn’t lose anyway

You were the part of my mind still clouded with nostalgia

But lately, it’s now been replaced with a nicotine-grey paranoia

.

Still, you kept me hanging on with all your hooked apologies

And dragged me on for miles despite having nothing but weak excuses

How foolish I truly was, I thought the violent bruises looked pretty

A vicious reminder of the time we spent—a fucked-up memento mori

.

But now I’m getting really tired of having to constantly check in

Obsessing over your absence, getting caught up in that empty nothing

Somehow, that’s the only thing you’re always consistent with

But the rest of this connection is a mess…was it all just friendly bullshit?

.

I understand that you’re busy, and I have no right to be hurt at all

But a sliver of conscience would have been nice, instead of the way you stall

I don’t even know why I’m still trying to paint myself as the bad guy

Spitting poison in my sharpened words in an attempt to catch your eye

.

But maybe it’s better off this way, and maybe I should stop pretending

That I’ll be worth a single damn to you, that I was ever even anything

I just wasted my breath when you never listened, we’ve done this all before

Though I guess this time, I just don’t have a place in your pretty plastic life anymore.

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Filed under Poetry