let me decide
and what’s wrong
you do it so easily
but i won’t take long.
let me decide
and what’s wrong
you do it so easily
but i won’t take long.
03.10.18. Saturday, 3:02 AM. Manhattan, New York.
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past 2 in the morning
He hasn’t been sober for days
Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees…
It’s three in the morning when I lock my heart behind the closet doors
And then I take another drink so I could forget what it was fighting for
Everything is louder when the sounds of a life once held are long gone
I’m crashing and cresting like the tidal waves of this bathroom tantrum
I’m looking for someone that has disappeared from newspaper tragedies
Hey mister, have you seen this person in the photo that was never taken?
It’s another hazy day wasted, but I guess I’ll go home just to burn it down
Write a song on my six-stringed guitar, and I wonder where you are again.
Forgive me, I’m trying to find
My calling, I’m calling at night
I don’t mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She’s been running through my dreams
And it’s driving me crazy, it seems…
07.16.18. Saturday, 3:57 AM. Manchester, England.
I’m not coming back (forgive me)
I’ve done something so terrible
I’m terrified to speak (I’m not calling, I’m not calling)
But you’d expect that from me
I’m mixed up, I’ll be blunt, now the rain is just…
It’s three in the morning when I put on my coat and slipped past the doors
After an evening of drinks so I could forget that I’m even fighting anymore
Everything is louder when the sounds of a life once held begins to fall apart
I’m collapsing and colliding just trying to get you out of that bathroom stunt
I’m losing myself and slowly disappearing under a pile of newspaper eulogies
Hey miss, can we delete ourselves, to pretend that this photo was never taken?
It’s another hazy day spent, so I guess I’ll go home in a place where I don’t burn
Right by the six-windowed room, and I won’t ever wonder where you are again.
You’re driving me crazy, I’m—
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands
Of feet off the ground, I’m over you now
I’m at home in the clouds, and towering over your head
Well I guess I’ll go home now. I guess I’ll go home…
‘Cause he gets up in the morning
And he goes to work at nine
And he comes back home at five-thirty
Gets the same train every time
‘Cause his world is built around punctuality
It never fails…
I feel so fucking useless.
The world is running at a breakneck speed and everyone around me is already growing up and moving at a steady pace, getting jobs, meeting new people, going to college, telling wild (well, for me at least, but I’m sure it’s as normal an experience as any person gets) stories that still invariably shock the living breathing manchild in me, and basically acting like an adult, very well on their way to becoming a mature and a fine-class clockwork citizen of this society, and I’m still sitting here, practically catatonic and stuck at home, jadedly counting the crimson hairs on my head before I rip them all off out of sheer frustration, and then repeating the cycle for hours at a time, for days at a time, for weeks at…well, you get the idea.
Hell, all of my friends are doing something decent with their lives, some of whom I haven’t talked to in a rather lengthier amount of time due to their busier affairs, and all I’ve ever done is waste oxygen and continue bitching about my inane sadness like it’s such a fucking choice. Of course, people do tend to worry sometimes and ask way too many questions that I don’t have any answers to (in one situation, I found myself wracked with the conundrum of whether I should blatantly lie to my pressure-ridden grandmother or not), but really, it’s not their job to worry about me. It’s their job to worry about themselves and do good and be productive and get somewhere ahead in this stupid planet, and I’ll be there behind them every step of the way, cheering them on and assuring them and feeling proud for them and all that TED Talk crap, because it’s all I could do for now, and what they can’t ever do for me.
But sometimes, it also feels really lonely, and even lonelier when you know you couldn’t tell anyone about it, because it’s solely yours and no one else’s problem. Yes, I know, I know, I brought this solely upon myself, and I took the riskier choice when everyone pleaded for me to reconsider my decision and take the otherwise solution, and I didn’t even stop to set up any alternate plan-b’s or cheap setbacks to fall on, in the event that my original plan fails. Why? Simply because I wanted a fresh start for myself. Simply because I felt suffocated by this shrinking cul-de-sac of a place and wanted to get away from the same tiring things that I’ve been seeing for 18 years of my life ad nauseam. And simply because I want to force myself to actually believe in my capabilities, and fucking hope that for once in my life, I’ll be enough, maybe just enough, to make at least one implausible triviality into a reality.
Do I not want anyone to be disappointed in me? No. It doesn’t matter if anyone is anyway, I’m pretty much used to that already. I just don’t want to disappoint myself anymore, that’s all. I’ve always been falling behind my entire life, and I don’t think I could ever catch up.
I just wish time would go by just a little bit faster so I can finally stop holding my breath for nothing.
And he’s oh, so good, and he’s oh, so fine
And he’s oh, so healthy in his body and his mind
He’s a well respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively…
In an ocean of noise, I first heard your voice
Ringing like a bell as if I had a choice, oh well
Left in the morning while you were fast asleep
Into an ocean of violence, a world of empty streets…
I don’t sleep anymore.
I forgot what it feels like
To slow my heavy breaths,
To dream, and be paralysed,
And be afraid that I’ll never
Wake up from the nightmare.
I don’t even remember the
Goriest of dreams, even if I
Swore to myself that I would
But as soon as my bleary eyes
Open up beyond the reality, it’s
Like nothing ever happened at all.
I don’t know how it happened
But now all I do every night is
Stare up at the dripping ceiling
And think about everything and
Nothing, and imagine that I was
Levitating lucidly, and I’ll wonder
What it was like to breathe and to feel,
To resemble a human, and I look back
On the days when I still pretended, and
I did it very well, but now my skin is just
Beginning to peel and melt off like petals…
And then it’s morning, and I don’t wake up.
You’ve got your reasons
And me I’ve got mine
But all the reasons I gave
Were just lies to buy myself some time
I’m gonna work it out
‘Cause time won’t work it out…
It starts inside my head, let it course into my bones
I breathe recycled air just to feel like I’m not alone
So does it kill you now? Call it insincere
You took the worst way out and I’m still here…
A suicide note written in cherry-cola shade lipstick
Disconnected telephone still ringing in the backdoor
Sore bones cracking under the weight of the bed frame
An empty prescription bottle gathering flies on the floor
Faded picture frame with red-eyes and faces scratched out
Tawny overcoat hung down the tattered couch one last time
Blanched body on black tiles, twisted in grotesque abstraction
Is it too late to apologise for never surviving but always dying?
It’s too late, it’s too late
The ground’s breaking under me
I can’t breathe, I’m underneath
So go ahead and wish me hell ’cause
You’re the one who dragged me there, yeah
It’s too late to save today…
Some people have it and other people don’t
You’ve been making some threats, got my name and address
I’m breaking habits you don’t want to know
Though I’m wearing my clothes feeling cold and exposed, yeah
Don’t say you miss me, you probably don’t
Well, I’ve been crossing some lines that most folks won’t…
This is the academy of wasting second chances
And the maggots in my eyes are drying up my tears
My intuition knocked itself out on cheap champagne
As the discourse turned to an allegory dance severe
It’s a sociogenic alacrity, and my dress is on too tight
But I’m far too smitten by repertoire to call it a night
So remind me again, what’s my capacity for secrets?
Tell me with a gun to my head and I swear I’ll keep it
My lips are shivering from these hemlock-laced canapes
So admonish me for all my bad manners and mistakes
I’ll just downplay the lust for another fractured spine
The consequence for saving the best for the worst lines
Mismatched manipulation, but they will take it in anyway
Blink back the altercations and accusations that ricochet
With a sympathetic sigh overstepping the plague’s carnage
Like finest red wine, tragedy gets better when it’s aged
This transition was intransigent, an accolade for incoherence
Bent backs turned upon lacquered lies and marble-carved doors
You don’t get to die on me, not after my life has taken the perfect end
So won’t you let write the last chapter on my unresponsive monitor?
Oh, don’t say you’re more than this or above all this
With your blah blah blah and all your friends
Don’t say you think you know, when you know you don’t
Because tonight the Bulls are in Brooklyn and you’re still at home!
Nobody thinks what I think, nobody dreams when they blink
Think things on the brink of blasphemy, I’m my own shrink
Think things are after me, my catastrophe at my kitchen sink
You don’t know what that means because a kitchen sink to you
Is not a kitchen sink to me, okay friend?
If I were to collapse
On myself and care
About the way I speak
And how I do my hair
Then I wouldn’t be here
Then I wouldn’t be dead
I’ll just be an old memory
At the back of my head
Yes, I want to grow up
But I want to do it my way
So I don’t need any handouts
Of so-and-so’s displays
And I’ll take the challenge
But with no instructions
Leave me to figure out
And trip again until i’m done
Because life is meaningless
All this shit doesn’t matter
So I’ll take my chances
And test the deeper waters
Then if I fail, well just be there
To say that “I told you so”
Even then, I wouldn’t care
Because this I know
At least I tried my very best
And I claimed my stakes
Instead of just simply regretting
That I never made mistakes.
Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You’ll see purpose start to surface…
I never thought my sabotaged lungs would last me another year
But just to sing to you, I’d breathe for a hundred more centuries
I know I don’t mean much to you but I know you’re always here
I promise nothing’s changed except for myself and what I will be
No matter how many falling stars may shatter on my bleeding skin
I’ll follow you straight into the darkness to find the end of my dream
Because this I can understand, each cinematic memory is my safest haven
Just to find you and to find myself, all I have to do is close my eyes and listen.
what do i see
that others don’t?
that gives nor wants
what do i see
that others won’t?
the inside of me
that takes all it wants.