Tag Archives: medication

Disembodied Silhouettes

My shadow no longer walks with me—

Not because there is no light to cast upon it,

But because it’s ashamed to take the very same path

My disgraced footsteps have left an imprint on

But could I blame my shadow for running away?

All it wants is a drop of tasteless medication

And I’m a lacklustre smile away from an overdose

Sitting here, under the ghostly orange of the streetlight

Watching the outline on the asphalt recede from me,

I count how many seconds it takes for me to get home

And pray under my breath that my shadow doesn’t follow.

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Filed under Poetry

a mindless monologue

The blood, the blood, the blood of the lamb
Is worth two lions, but here I am
And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams
But they’re not quite what they seem…

~*~

i need some therapy

and a hundred seconds alone

i need room to breathe

and support from the bleed

i need to stay silent

and talk my problems out

find another friend to bother

and do nothing but joke around

i need to admit something’s wrong

that i can’t do this by myself

i need to keep myself going

and be just a little more strong

i need bitter medication

i don’t know why i stopped

guess i don’t want to be an addict

my brain feels fogged and rough

i need to hurt myself less

throw away my blades and insecurities

i don’t want to keep companions

and end up in a fit of jealousy

i need to absolve all my mistakes

to stop hurting the people around me

always on the brink of an apology

i need to stop being—and feeling—sorry

i need to channel my thoughts safer

but i just don’t have the skill or talent

i can’t make anyone any promises

and my future is scary and hellbent

i need to keep on dreaming

but not too much to drown in the tides

i need to stop worrying neurotically

about what’s what and the right of rights

i need to be me and more than this

i want to figure myself out before it’s too late

to be assured of myself, the things i can do

to provide myself with no more of hate

i know i can never undo the long-term damage

caused by my self-destructive ways

but i know that i could always be better

than what i think i deserve—i need to change.

~*~

I can move mountains
I can work a miracle, work a miracle
I’ll keep you like an oath
“May nothing but death do us part…”

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Ash & Tongue

Ash is just a word, but why does it taste so ironically bitter in my mouth? Does it hurt to say it, because the conflagrating embers originated from my pharynx, tactlessly ignited after I accidentally swallowed phosphorous nitrate and it corroded against my sandpaper throat and set me on fire? Who would kiss a person with a mouth this filthy? Even the most affectionate of mothers turn their backs away from my chapped sooty lips, bleeding of halitosis and ashes and lies lies lies.

There it is, that word again, pulling my voice under hell and waking me up when I’m having the sweetest dream in my acerbic existence. The exit signs are glowing softly in delicate overtones, yet my bloodshot eyes perceive it as an uproarious neon scream, blinding my eyes, deafening my sight, blackening my vision. The water’s getting colder, I’m caught up in the rip, and my footing has slipped away. I’m swimming, no, drowning in the hazy fumes, dizzy from the medication-addled ozone, and still I could not hear a single truth amid all the false accusations.

He was a man until you destroyed him. You were a girl before I desecrated you, cautiously building you up brick by chalkdust brick, all the while as I’m hiding away the solitary intention of vulgarly demolishing the body that is your temple. And it was all too late for you when you found out. Did you survive all the devastation I caused and rose up from the rubble like a newly-reborn phoenix? Or have your devout worshipers fled the havoc and left you suffocating and buried under all the debris and ashes? Ash is just a name I used to call in my sleep, but why…why does it taste so painful between my teeth?

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Filed under Prose

she’s been waiting for the train with a bus ticket in her pocket.

She built a world with her own two hands
Well just give that a thought
And she don’t ever want to make no plans
‘Cause she don’t go outside no more…

~*~

she hasn’t had her medication yet

and she already fell in love with the relentless rain

they all told her she was a crazy pain

as she hung herself upside-down on the crooked rafters

searching for another heart to surrender

but she didn’t find any, no

as all the blood rushed inside her head

and turned her frail lips a deep red

she won’t kiss anyone with a mouth that dirty

until she wipes it off along with her glittering lipstick

and told her mama that she’s sorry

but that won’t be enough.

as of now, the train station is empty

and everyone has left in pursuit of a better life

but she’s still ripping threads off her timeworn dress

and reading profane graffiti out loud

and making her own in the chipped benches

waiting for a vehicle that never arrives

to take her into an unknown destination, for the bad and the better

rendered frozen as time moves on around her.

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Filed under Poetry

how to kill a demon

“Trigger my nightmare once again…”

~*~

i’m holding on

too tight for comfort

the thoughts in my head

are deathless; immortal

they cannot be killed

by mere tylenol or advil

or even ativan alone

but maybe alcohol can

fucking drown them

or starving their bloodlust

will slowly pick them out

and if all else fails, then

maybe a bullet straight to

their hearts will do the trick.

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Filed under Poetry

I personally prefer bleach to whiskey or wine.

“And do you really trust your tongue or did you bury the taste?
And is this fantasy real, or is it all home-made?”

~*~

And they don’t know

how many times

i hated myself over

the colour of my eyes

l a c k u s t re

g l o s s e d – o v e r

d u l l e d

by a ton of medications

that i take ironically

to bring a blush into my cheeks

some shade into my flesh

and yet the pastel pink

is far too bright

like it’s drawn on with a crayon

by a colourblind child

but no matter what i take

my blood remains the same hue

diluted into a disgusting

watercolour painting

and i have to create artworks with it

every time i cough

and every time i can’t go to sleep

they all say it’s

d i s g u s t i n g

s e l f i s h

a l m o s t  i n h u m a n

and i know, believe me

i know it better than anyone else

you don’t have to tell me again

the voices in my head

do a better job of telling me

but with every decrepit strand of hair

that falls off my deforested scalp

is another count of another hour

no—another minute

that i continue to waste oxygen

in this faultless fucking world

so i knock back my codeine

and i slowly close the

flickering bathroom lights

avoiding my pale judging gaze

on the toothpaste-stained mirror

as i leave to

continue existing in

w o r t h l e s s

f u t i l e

e n d l e s s  c y c l e s

of this monochrome facsimile

drinking it all in

and hating myself again

over the colour of my eyes,

how it doesn’t have any.

i don’t want to live anymore

and yet i simply hate myself far too much

to even attempt to end my misery

and so it goes.

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Filed under Poetry

Laugh Tracks

I tried to kill my pain
But only brought more
So much more, I lay dying
And I’m pouring crimson
Regret and betrayal…

~*~

A gun to my mouth

Means that I’m okay

Don’t worry about me

Go on with your day

A rope around my neck

Means that I’m swell

Just keep on walking

And I do wish you well

Fifty pills in my stomach

Means that I’m doing good

There isn’t a damn concern

So carry on, as you should

A blade to both my wrists

Means I’ve never been better

And soon enough, I promise

I won’t be any more bother.

~*~

I’m dying, praying
Bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

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Filed under Poetry

Dear Medication

I got a year’s supply of capsules
I got a bottle full of friends
They’re always right around
To come show me the town
Delivered through a filtered lens…

~*~

My stomach all tied up in specular knots

As I hide behind abandoned parking lots

Bite down on the bittersweet medication

To unravel the noose and become human

.

Tribulations raring to return some control

Damaged sprockets needing factory recall

Offset chemicals slick as oil quietly leaking

Inside a system that requires dire repairing

.

A dose for breathing, one more for demons

Counterfeiting volition that I can’t summon

Blank and washed-out, it’s better not to feel

Losing doubts in a bottle, tasting acidic will

.

Cold cuts numbed and a pressed-down mind

Wonderland candy leaving me severely high

Living or existing in bouts of prognostication

A coronary slow motion, lost in convocations

.

A corrupting hold to sanity of a harmless little kill

Vices forgotten, bleeding tongue against chalk pill

Incriminate not the release of the sterile pharmacy

Rather, blame me for attempting to induce humanity.

~*~

Chemical angel
Comfort I crave
Don’t come around no more
I’m already saved…

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Filed under Poetry

Prescriptions

My heart pumps this blood rush still, my legs numb
My sweat drips down my face, clears my vision
I battle myself, I battle…keep my hands from my throat
For this silence, I battle myself, I battle…

~*~

The simple logistics

Interfering with sense

Introduced in interims

Of trivialities dense

So lend me another idea

Of a wasted nostalgia

I’ll keep it so dearly

Filed under dementia

Stop my phantom hand

From impulsive emotion

Sedate me some more

In prescribed medication

The pills muffle pain

As well as thinking new

A choice without the other

I’ll have to make do.

~*~

Swallow down now whole, bitter pill unfolds
I lose my surroundings and fake that I’ve gained hope
This bitter pill he swallows takes the tension…

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Filed under Poetry

v-tach

Chase away

The darkness

That’s breathing

In me with life

Treat medication

From the veins

I gouged with

A scalpel knife

Eat my cancer

When it festers

Within my mind

That won’t restart

Operate me and

Amputate this

Failure of a system

You call a heart.

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Filed under Poetry