the hurt start
life too much
lost to paralytic
sense and touch.
the hurt start
life too much
lost to paralytic
sense and touch.
e f f l o r e s c e n c e
but your words
r a d i a t i o n.
an impatient grind
to keep the nervous
energy away from
my anxious mind.
I feel it everyday, it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again, chasing you down again
Why do I do this? Over and over…
I’m depressed diagnostical
Five seconds away from detonating
Can’t talk about my problems
Just gotta keep on fucking smiling
Don’t feel it’s worth it ‘cause I’m worthless
A waste of space and a waste of pain
So I’ll count all my secrets and my losses
And drive my best friend near insane
I can’t sugarcoat my neurotic rants anymore
In sweeter words and fancier metaphors
I used to patch up all the dull grey spares
But I ran out of pastel and neon colours
I can’t sleep, so I write, I can’t write, so I sleep
Repeat the cycle until it’s bent off backwards
I can’t do something, and I can’t do nothing
Summer’s just a prolonged heatstroke reward
I’m suicidal sensational
In between dying and already dead
But I can’t talk about the same problematic shit
Someone please get me out of my head…
It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again, chasing you down again…
if i was still myself now
in the words that i wrote
and the things that i said
and the songs that i sang
then i’d be a whole lot less
in the words that i borrowed
and the things that they said
and the songs that were never
even mine to mouth along to.
then; who else would i be but
another one who lost their mind
trying to stay true to themselves?
And as I’ve aged, the only thing I think has changed
Is that the demons have moved from under my bed
Into the inner depths of my head
I can’t escape the ugly things my mind creates
I speculate that they’ll stay with me ’til the grave…
I scream to the wreck of my mind on my knees
Pray for death’s innocence for my untimely release
When the hurt is too little, the numb is too much
When I want to feel more but I’m just too detached
“The disease is not real, you have no right to be sad”
Their way of caring is not caring when I start to get bad
Waiting to understand, when every time is just a relapse
Swing the pendulum again until lines on my skin overlap
And their laughter becomes a never happily ever after
I escape in the bedroom with that ugly mocking mirror
When home feels like choking fingers around my throat
I splash my face with dreams to convince myself to cope
Thinking that someday soon I will be just who I want to be
But when I say the words, it just feels like lip-syncing to me
I’m on the brink of the bottomless cliff, but I refuse to jump
Because a fool is just another fool waiting for the right bump
So I scream to the wreck of my mind to grow some wings
And pray for life’s corruption for me to be finally released
When giving up is too easy, and it’s difficult to fucking hope
I cling to what little miserable faith I have and try not to let go.
I can’t help the way my mind
Is hardwired to hate myself
Is there any hope for me?
‘Cause I swear that this is hell
The way I desperately try to save myself
‘Cause I can’t save myself…
You wanna move mountains? Go ahead
I think I’ll suffocate instead
A change of scenery won’t tame
The endless earthquakes in my head
They’re all in my head, so I’ll suffer through
A means to an end, it’s all I can do…
i’m not the one at fault
but i’m the only cause you see
so i have to take the effect
what do you want me to do?
i’ve cut myself up until
both my mind and veins are drained
but not of all the guilt that i carry
and still, would it be enough?
would it be enough for you?
i’m just so tired of waiting
until i stop being such a fucking liability
and i start being your healthy host
that you parasites can ravage
just so i could atone for what i did
or at least just so you would see it that way
because what else is there?
saying “i’m sorry” when i don’t mean it?
that wouldn’t be enough for you, would it?
but then again, it’s my fault
for being way too fucking optimistic
i don’t accept good and bad luck
and that this time i struck out
no, it’s all about positives and negatives
call it a karmic irony, if you may
find a way to be a little happy for once
and life drags you down through 7 layers of hell
tell me, loved ones, was i never enough?
and i couldn’t even write about it
because you’d call me selfish and shallow
that i have no right to be depressed
because i’m living the “good life”
and that i see only myself in all this
well, of course i fucking do
i need to place myself somewhere
otherwise i wouldn’t see the bigger picture
but don’t you see, loved ones?
will you never see that i’ve had enough?
I’m calling you from the future
To let you know we made a mistake
And there’s a fog from the past
That’s giving me, giving me such a headache
And I’m back with a madness…
When I reevaluate myself
Where do I start to draw the line
Between the beginning and the change
Down my brain or with my spine?
When did my hands start shifting
To change pure gold into black rust
And lucidity became obstinate
Covering the mirrors with cold dust?
What place was my starting line
And when did I stumble and trip?
Did I get to the checkered finish
Or trampled by my opponents’ feet?
Why did my pen become cynical
And my heart run out of honest ink
How did my eyes fail to see the picture
When did my mind cease to think?
Have I truly changed for the better
Or did I just become a stranger shape
From fitting out of the cramped box
Because I wished for a little more space?
Did I drift away from my audience
As their applause started to sound the same
Was I meant for a moment in spotlights
Or was I meant to hide away my own name?
Were these lines on my face here before
Or the lines on my arms and thighs?
And the lines I once thought avant-garde
Are they now nothing but banal lies?
And why did my tongue get longer
But the accuracy in their wings clipped
Confusion may soar abound the sky
But my heavy body refuses to lift
Regrets and problems, I once could carry
Have broken my back and my will to be
The things I loved, reduced to wistful smiles
Memories once happy turned sorry
I wish I didn’t sulk and drain myself
Turn off the lights just to be haunted by ghosts
I fucking wish I didn’t have to be so insecure
To let emotions linger like a gracious host
Sometimes I think I really know myself
Until everyone says the complete opposite
And everything I do turns upsidedown
I become less uncertain of my purposeful visit
Just who was I? Or rather, just who am I now?
When I reassess, all I do is think and rethink again
It hurts my head, and I’ll just start to lose myself
Better to keep the present than to bury myself in past skins.
I got rage every day, on the inside
The only thing I do is sit around and kill time
I’m trying to blow out the pilot light
I’m trying to blow out the light
I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in…
Oh, how its raining
Oh, how the water falls
Into the safe things
We tried to set in stone
I can’t replace you
I can’t escape you now…
it’s gonna be a long night
without your stars to count
this time i wonder if the planet
breathes without a pause of doubt
i wish the ocean was as blue
as your feather words and halo eyes
i close away my mind just to think
there’s no sugar without a hint of spice
but under the bed where flowers bloom
the sour notes never leave your arms
and the nightlight illuminates my dreams
where loving you does me no harm
but i lie to myself as i lie awake
wondering if giving up control was my mistake
ivory piano and sheep lulling desperation
as i await the end of an endless oblivion
i can only wish i didn’t feel this much
as i lay down my thoughts without a sound
and without your skin to be my respite
i know it’s gonna be another long night.
But I remember the nights when you’d lie with me
Where we’d talk and we’d touch and we’d fall asleep
I wake up in your arms and I’d feel at ease
But now its just me and I lie awake
And I toss and I turn and I see your face
When I wake from a dream it won’t go away…
beat me green and blue
until my eyes have tunnel vision
nobody wants to hear me
shed bullets and load ammunition
as the screws in my head
are just twisted too tight to be right
and you can spin it around
and around, but you’ll lose the fight
utter an overplayed excuse
i know i look like a burst drained pipe
and i mix up cryptic words
so you can’t tell or tread on which side
and i’m the human definition
of infinite futility and endless frustration
acting upside down and under
over and over like a patience in remission
so beat me up in black and grey
until my porcelain skin turns deathly pale
i’ll send my wretched self home
at least one of us lived to tell the tragic tale.
See, I’m like you without good moods and
My cave’s my room where I’ll cave too
Yeah, I’m like you without good moods
And you’ll be sorry when you come to…