Tag Archives: motivation

19 – raw insomnia

33 hours

fueled only by

bad fanfiction

vaporwave and

other aesthetic

driven-insanity

and sedentary

motivations

must work on

must strum until

fingers bleed,

must be fucking

useful right now—

.

34 hours

building on

paper bags and

bad decisions

and vitriol with

well-needed friends

coming to an end

still writing, still

spitting out ideas,

still trying to drain

myself out of every

last drop of dopamine,

oh, i’m so fucking

useless right now—

.

38 hours

and still going on…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

14 – error404: title not found

awful days like these, my brain simply stops working.

it’s a lacklustre string of poetry, an unfinished verse here and there, a crudely-constructed metaphor that even i can’t begin to understand. it’s desperately needing to write, but also not wanting to, somehow. it’s like liquid frustration in a glass bottle.

(see what i mean?)

usually, my creativity is in perfect synchrony with my depression. it’s almost as if every part of my system is also very much willing to expel whatever repressed bullshit is running through my head, and within good reason. i find morbid inspiration in mourning, and writing becomes a whole lot easier for me.

but when it starts going against me like this, fighting hard and fighting long until it gets exhausted and ultimately walks away—and now i feel as if there’s a stopper lodged between my hand and the pen—that’s when everything else in my overthinking subconscious completely goes to hell.

it’s basically being sad without benefits.

such a disgusting thought, isn’t it?

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

for the future hearts

Shake until we move the floor
What are we waiting for? Let’s go
I’m tired of being ordinary
Don’t care if there’s people staring
I’ll rely on your strength to carry me on…

~*~

possibilities

on my side

complexities

once defied

.

jumping off

the rooftop

i’ll fly before

i can ever stop

.

hiding no more

navigating this

communication

into better places

.

move again before

i give in, taking the

long way…i promise

to tomorrow’s today.

~*~

I’m not invisible like you
Next time things get a little messed up
I’ll shine, but I’ll never be see-through
I’m fine just trying to wake the rest up…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

WhiskeyHands

I see the world, I been there, I’m on my ground
I made it rain in every city a thousand times
You work hard to get paid, that’s what it is
Bentleys and green leaves, that’s how I live
In the back VIP, that’s where you’ll see me
I’m spitting with the homies, I’m sipping Hennessy
Let the haters talk, you ain’t at my level
I’m rolling Continental, never sentimental…

~*~

stone cold

with a heart of gold

a talented man

kicking ass on the drums

funny and crazy

sweet and simply amazing

get the party started

with the cadence you departed

spittin’ rhymes to pass

smooth as glass

you’re a total badass

bitch, it’s wastywhiskeyhands

such a lanky giraffe

we just can’t get enough

of all the beats that you create

expectations you break

you’re keepin’ it true

we love the way that you do

you keep me so strong

when i go through my darker days alone

you’re an amazing inspiration

another motivation

even if my life is crying

your soul makes me keep on going

but now they all squeal

as if you were the devil

even though you’ve been so kind

and have a benevolent mind

but don’t listen to them

their words don’t mean a thing

all i know is you

and nothing else is true

so whatever their bullshit is

i won’t easily believe

because i know that you’re good

just like you are and should

and i’ll always be there for you

as you have been for me

and for all of us

without any hesitation or fuss

and i’ll give you all the faith i have

with every hope from you that i enjoy

i’ll support you completely

and love you very dearly

so please always stay tough,

my little drummer boy.

~*~

Get it, get it, bounce, bounce
Shake, shake, get money, get paid
We fucking own this city all night
I learned it at a young age gotta
Get money get paid, let’s get drunk tonight…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Static Sessions

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive…

~*~

It’s rather strange and desensitisingly nerve-wracking, standing up there with shivering knees, under the judgment of glaring spotlights and hanging magenta lamps, and past the scrutinising pupils of a million watching stars. I do not feel like my own concrete entity, merely a disheveled apparition trapped in a foreign body. The amp screeches—jeeringly, it seems. I momentarily blanch. What the hell am I doing?

Perspiring profusely, trembling hands holding the gibberish lyrics to an unfamiliar forgotten song and an impatient crackling microphone, the beginning intro of the acoustic guitar sounds like a banshee’s scream that’s prompting my knotted larynx to begin making even an inkling of a noise. Quivering, quivering, quivering; dreadful hesitation and a near-death anxiety that wrings the delirious butterflies out of my stomach in an icy-cold freeze. An infinitesimal moment of silence. A skip of a heartbeat. A suffocating breath held until it coagulates. A spill of acherontic reluctance spilled down catatonic spines before one jolts and realises in shock that, surprise surprise, my parched mouth is actually producing sound!

Thus the song proceeds, with or without me. It’s up to me to chase after it’s vivacious footsteps. My voice is no longer my own, simply a phantom illusion; I barely feel it rising up and down, strumming the musical bars to the best of its abilities. Everything tastes like stereo static; clapping and cheering amid guitar and tambourine amid the anxious symphonies I relayed. The quaint scenario tangibly intensifies into a steady culmination, vertical horizons alighting into spontaneous combustion. Steadfast certainty underhandedly replaces the oscillating nervousness within me, pastel assurance slowly seeping in my ticking aegan-washed bones and strengthening every fibre of my abandoned sensibilities.

I find myself closing my eyes and loosening my grip, my driftwood soul getting pulled in the undertows of the euphoric moment. I can barely hear my own voice anymore, and I do not hear the crowd at all. Soprano, baritone, octaves, trebles, notes and rhythms and senselessness and song, they’re all that envelops me right now, my solitary company in this madness of a world. Raging fire burns in my emotions, thawing the glaciated blood in my veins, warming up the frostbitten angels barely holding my terse heartstrings together, bringing oxygen back to my perforating pulmonary flow; and nothing else matters anymore, only me and the music, the music and I.

The interlude swells into a deafening crescendo, and my frizzling neurons go off like fourth of July fireworks, showering the sky with brilliant sparks. It’s infinity on repeat, infinity in my teeth, infinity rushing low, infinity on an all-time high. This feels fucking amazing. What was there to be afraid of? Why had I been terrified all this time of such a ludicrous notion? Perhaps if I had steeled myself sooner, my brillo-pad songs would be less abrasive, and the ticking clock would’ve been on my side. But no matter, for I shall not dwell on the resentment of the past that keeps me embrangled within incarcerating doubt and merciless agony. Rather, I will focus on the now. This is me, doing what I never dared to do, doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m doing this for them, my beautiful divine motivations, though more importantly, I’m doing this for me, and for me alone.

The set comes to a slowing halt, the prospect tinging me with hints of sorrowful melancholy, and the audience bursts into polite applause, but the enraptured sensations linger still; and as I amble off the stage, I still find a soft lone melody humming whimsically at the back of my mellowing incandescent mind. It’s over, I sigh out to my palpitating lungs, to my shaky footing, to my disbelieving mind, attempting to calm my frantic pulse back into a metronome lullaby. But it will never be quite over, wouldn’t it? I ponder with a secret smile. I finally found my voice. I only hope I don’t lose it again. And I can only hope so hard it hurts that I don’t keep it to myself anymore.

~*~

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am…

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

Credence Revival

I gots a lot to learn
But I learn a lot, I’m not concerned
You’ve got a lot of burns
From all this pessimism you said
Miscommunication…

~*~

Regrets adamant, remorseful shame sternly pressing at the back of my throat

If I’ve held on to my beliefs tighter, would that make it harder for faith to let go?

I’m attempting to beat down the monstrous odds with a bantam plastic sword

And disregarding the tongues they have cut away so that I can get the last word

.

I took their plans, drawn and carefully-laid out, and I spilled my blood all over

Until my moral compass and the road to vices are practically indistinguishable

This is a cosmic sitcom, not blatant sanctity that can be written on plain paper

I’m fucked for simply thinking I have a motivation that is never extinguishable

.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, ask for blessings but receive a curse

Desperate for a reckoning, delirious over second chances, drinking against thirst

In the atrocity of life’s reliquary, I’m only wishing to find any smidgen of cohesion

But all the platitudes of confidence and trust were nothing but blank superstitions.

~*~

Fake apologies (Fake apologies)
Can I just call it quits, I can’t take all of this
Fighting all of me (Fighting all of me)
I want a second chance, but I’m so broken…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

sad talk

it’s quite nice

to be depressed

when you have

nothing to say

for motivation

is a madness

and its agony is

the price you pay.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Crash and Burn

We always seem to find
A way to fuck things up
At the worst time, you know
We’ve never been the smartest
You know you could have anyone
But standing on the edge I said
I don’t want no one else…

~*~

Hey there, let’s crash and burn

This damn night is too old for the both of us

To take into consideration alive

But these stupid games are about to begin

So why don’t you pick a losing side?

Too young to die, too insane to change

Ain’t that what this city needs?

They say we’re wrong, but we’ll show them

We are the vagabonds that will lead

We’re too reckless, putting it all on the line

If there’s anything we can’t get, hell it’s all mine

We’re the wreckage of the generation to come

Kids dancing on boulevards and playing with guns

These empty mouths are way too crass

But we ain’t nothing to be defeated by victorious

So let’s pick it up straight off the sidewalk

Get out of the way, these minds are about to talk

We’re idiots maybe, as smart as bricks

But we don’t stop to think about your bullshit

Let’s go three times and then we can do it again

I can’t spell fun but I can say when

Crazy honest laughter was always the remedy

For a life of missed targets and bad candy

In lady luck and boy bucks, inciting headache riots

Working heroes and nine to five we are not

Should we feel sorry? Should we care?

Let’s burn hotel buildings down if we dare

Should we simply change? Where does it all end?

Kill off the clock with wasted hours we spend

But our skins and bones were already corrupted

At an early age, our mindsets are polluted

With nothing but garbage dreams and ambitions of junk

So I say screw all this shit, let’s aim to flunk

Sorry mom and dad, I can’t stand on your shoulders

If all it does is make me fall and break as I’m feeling taller

Sorry to the ones who say we’re better off this way

What a shame for the good opportunities you can never take

So yeah, we’ve got a million things to gain if we get it right

But we’ll miss the addicting adrenaline and the thrill of the fight

We have nothing to lose, nothing to prove, but everything to have

And fucking things up has always been what we are good at.

~*~

They say it’s time to grow up
And stop with these foolish games
But I say they’re wrong
She says go, go, go!
I don’t want to take it slow
There’s plenty of time for us to finally get it right
Why don’t we crash and burn tonight?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Kiss and Tell

A hundred boys and girls

On my fucking list

From the start of A to zed

I’ll tell before I kiss

Every visage a motivation

Blue eyes don’t lie

So judge me for doing shit

I take so I don’t die

I’m proud of these people

Ain’t nothing wrong

And I’ll just block you out

With calming songs

A hundred girls and boys

I adore and respect

But I’m the whore, right?

Fucking deal with it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Ring the Bell Referee, and Let the Fight Begin

Such a shame you had to go and run your mouth
Your mouth is what you make it but at least I’ve got real friends—
Can you hear me now?! Now that I’m a big star!
Fuck you and your new love for yourself! (It don’t mean shit…)

~*~

Life is a kickass enemy, and the rage is a motivation

Let the judges slit my throat over my unorthodox declaration

It’s hard punches and cold lunches packed with action

Move closer to me now, and step into my own creations

Say my sullied name again, I’m stronger than before

I left my shoes under the bridge so when I fly, I feel lighter

Honestly it’s not that easy to have half of my fun

But this crimson ink bleeds so I won’t have to use a gun

My fingers they splinter from frenetic movements

If I’m still alive right now, I’m only breathing in segments

Ideas run wild and I stumble, I gotta pace to keep up

And I have to learn more about gravity to get the last laugh

Hear the sound of my voice among a stentorian million

Fuck the stars and dollar bills that sing against my emotion

I’ll whisper in silver undertones and break my voice on needles

Roll the dice but you can’t solve all my cryptic riddles

Don’t take my jealous life of matches and propane lights

Kill it fast, don’t let it die, I’m on a hurricane tonight

Spit and masticate the contract written on skin and paper

Throw the shreds in the seafloor bed under the polluted waters

But oh my god, I’ve been looking in the wrong direction

Running away in pilchard pastels over twisting intersections

This turnpike velocity won’t be my ultimate weakness

I’ll try not to splinter my soul, I’ll try never to second guess

So stop staring at me now, your glare is nitrogen seething

I promise I’ll be even later for our preliminary meeting

I’ll praise the chicken scratches I’m proud to call my home

Cursed again, this foolish confidence just won’t leave me alone

I’m exhausted, I’m burnt-out, and everything quavers spasmodically

But shit I’ll use my own words, I’m not gonna borrow from the dictionary

I know this adrenaline high will wear out soon, I’ll collapse from temporary exhilaration

But goddamnit I’ll drag my broken legs to hell if I have to, and I’ll abuse this rare motivation.

~*~

And I’ve got so much to give
But I would kill just to feel less invisible!
And you’ve got so much to learn about gravity
So live it up baby don’t look down
(Live it up baby, don’t look down…)

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry