Tag Archives: neurotic

Neurotic

Sadness is sadness

Until it’s reversed

Frowns turn to madness

And smiles perverse

.

Writing is writing

Until a mind notices

Words turn to endings

And stories to sense.

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Filed under Poetry

The Wrong Setting

I feel it everyday, it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again, chasing you down again
Why do I do this? Over and over…

~*~

I’m depressed diagnostical

Five seconds away from detonating

Can’t talk about my problems

Just gotta keep on fucking smiling

.

Don’t feel it’s worth it ‘cause I’m worthless

A waste of space and a waste of pain

So I’ll count all my secrets and my losses

And drive my best friend near insane

.

I can’t sugarcoat my neurotic rants anymore

In sweeter words and fancier metaphors

I used to patch up all the dull grey spares

But I ran out of pastel and neon colours

.

I can’t sleep, so I write, I can’t write, so I sleep

Repeat the cycle until it’s bent off backwards

I can’t do something, and I can’t do nothing

Summer’s just a prolonged heatstroke reward

.

I’m suicidal sensational

In between dying and already dead

But I can’t talk about the same problematic shit

Someone please get me out of my head…

~*~

It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again, chasing you down again…

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Filed under Poetry

Happy April Fool’s Day

I thought I knew you, now you can’t save your name
(We won’t follow the deceiver)
Don’t try to silence my words with your lies
(We won’t follow the deceiver)
This is what I expected, another life lesson is what I’m left with
Look at what you’ve started
A war of words is what we’ll part with…

~*~

I’m not in the right kind of headspace right now.

My moods are just so fucking erratic and insanely volatile that it severely frustrates me and everyone else around me that’s unfortunate enough to fall victim to my inconsiderable foulness. One moment I’m joking around with people and simply hanging around in a chill demeanour, but then someone says something petty and irrelevant that somehow gets me all worked up and then the next thing I know, I’m screaming profanities at everyone and hurting myself again for the stupidest of reasons.

I hate this, I really do. I know I’m being idiotic, and to barely any reason that’s excusable to logic, but I can’t fucking help it.

A weighted feeling is building up inside me, and it’s leaving my soul hanging itself in a teeth-gritting suspense. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like something’s changed. Something so trivial and succinct, and yet it’s shaken up my perceptions and right now, it’s screwing up my entire mentality. And I can’t even figure out what it is. I’m two days away from graduating and the results of the only college exam I took are going to be released (or maybe already is), and I’m not holding out on too much hope, so maybe it’s that. The pressure of everything, the burden of the future and the flickering candle that it holds out for me. The feeling that I should blow out the flame myself before the wind does it for me. So close to the next page, and yet I’m giving up and burning it all away.

It’s foolish, isn’t it? Acting out like this at such a crucial point in my life. My problems don’t amount to anything, so why should I keep on bitching about it? And why am I letting it get to my head? Who gives a shit, anyway? What the hell is wrong with me?

Why the fuck am I falling apart?

Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. Maybe this is my boiling point, and my head’s just about overflowing right now. Six or so years of repressing and ignoring the alarming emotions that have attacked me ought to do a fair amount of damage, after all. I just constantly feel weird and unsettled and anxious and empty most of the time, and the main distractions I have to keep me at bay aren’t even working. The endless dreaming that I contradict with my own uncertainties, the ambitions that five seconds ago I’m so sure I could reach but now I don’t think I’ll ever handle to reach for, the people around me that make me feel like shit, either intentionally or unintentionally, the self-hatred that’s so poisonous that it’s making me cave in on myself, everything’s too much. And I don’t know how to expel it from me, how to do catharsis that doesn’t involve me tearing myself to shreds, I don’t how to deal with everything anymore. I’m even considering seeing a therapist or whatever, even though it’s opposed to everything I stand for as a self-built, self-destructive, selfish person, as if I even have the capacity to do that, because I’m really going bad. And once I’m way past my expiry date, there’s no going back.

It’s always been this way, me against the world against me, and I’m a stickler for the familiar and don’t like changing things if they ain’t broke, but how could you do that if everything was already broken in the first place? I just don’t want to punish myself anymore. I’m tired and wrung out of my mind and my insecurities and venomous emotions are relentless and eating me inside out like starving, virulent parasites. I need actual help. I really, really, really need some actual help. Because it keeps getting worse, worse than ever—which after a couple of offing attempts I was a hundred percent sure wasn’t even possible anymore—and I don’t know what I might do to myself if I become insensibly irrational enough and more daring in my fool’s exploits to try to get rid of whatever the hell this unknown horrible feeling is. Who knows how far I’ll go.

And I’m fucking scared. I really am.

~*~

So don’t act like you don’t know
Exactly what you really are
The truth will find us both in the end, in the end
The difference being that it will
Show me blameless while it robs you of your breath
Your deceiving is worthy of receiving an end…

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Filed under Prose

upside

down

in every sense of the word

looking for a way

to distract my thoughts

against contrition

“i’m tired” i complain

as if i just wasn’t

already long used to it

left behind

by all the chatter

why am i still hoping?

“you fucked up

something again”

my mind screams at me

even though i know

i didn’t (did i?)

“i’m alone”

i mused dumbly

as if it wasn’t such

a daily norm

breaking blood

and draining bones

from its brewing storm

“the sun is murder”

melting away as the

heat and faceless crowd

further add to

this delirious stupor

“why am i still here?”

i want to go home

so i can seek death in peace

and be alone to feel

down

in every sense of the word.

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Filed under Poetry

neurotic and numb

it’s the lowest low

i’ve ever reached

and i loved every

damn minute of it 

it’s the deepest cut

i have ever dared

and yet somehow

i barely even felt it.

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Filed under Poetry

This Affair Is Not For The Fainthearted

I wouldn’t front the scene if you paid me 
I’m just the way that the doctor made me
On and on and on and on 
Love is the red the rose on your coffin door 
What’s life like, bleeding on the floor
The floor, the floor…

~*~

Your poets and criminals all dance in the same cell

Your mother’s eyes scream a silent prayer, can’t you tell?

You throttled the trigger, and emptied the hot lead chamber

And I’ll be your paper target, empty holes I’ll feel forever

.

They gave me ephedrine, fed me some tasteless medicine

Prescribed Abilify for the choir voices singing “Hallelujah!”

They dosed the offset, and I upped the convulsions

But don’t get a rosary yet, it’s just a side effect of prescriptions

.

You be my violent opposition, I’ll be a perfect mute

We’re perfect for each other, recriminated and abused

Hatred for this mad world, hearts exploding like a bomb

Let’s flare and glare, we’re neverwhere, drenched in bevy scum

.

So taste my butane skin, and load the ammunition

We’ll conflagrate our black souls into incineration

I’ll expunge your wasted blood, all the roses you bled

We’ll march the cathedral halls until we’re dead, we’re dead

.

Your apathy demands attention, alleviation you’ve aspired

You asked for a cure but all they gave are pills long expired

Hold on, hold on, maybe you’re just being badly neurotic

I must be going crazy, hell, why do I find that so romantic?

.

I’ll carry my mama on a gurney, into the deep forest since

Another contusion appears in my skin, a tally of all my sins

Shall we leave mother dearest to rot in the presence of wolves?

Should I be guilty? No, the law yells for me to absolve, absolve!

.

And we’ll ride the metal hansoms on this corporate fairy tale

But darling, I fear they’ll dissent, and you’ll be caught in the gale

Divas and starlets and mobs of girls dressed all meretricious

Men in suits, cornpone a-holes, faulty visions with strabismus

.

Come with me, we’ll infect all the sterile institutions in vile disparaging contritions

We’ll haunt the fallen graves in séances we frayed, won’t you accept my resignation

Don’t you worry, I’ll gladly be your widow honey, I’ll be your final lethal injection dose

This graceless romance is not for the squeamish, we all fall down in hell, and repose, repose!

~*~

So give me all your poison 
And give me all your pills 
And give me all your hopeless hearts 
And make me ill 
You’re running after something 
That you’ll never kill 
If this is what you want 
Then fire at will…

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Filed under Poetry