Tag Archives: nowhere

nocturnes, numbers, nyctophilia

It meant nothing to him any longer, only a faint tinge of sadness—and somewhere within him, a drop of pain moving briefly and vanishing, like a raindrop on the glass of a window, its course in the shape of a question mark. ~Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand

~*~

i.) the jealous penmanship

clever words left tears forming in my brain

ones that i have to open up my healing bruises

just so i could let them out somewhere

somewhere my veins wouldn’t be affected severely

(it was late at night, and my stars called out from nowhere)

sensations poured out from every letter and departure,

as it entangled itself with my nerves and wore them down,

and wore them like a dirty dress, and wore them out to town

until they were worn-out; nothing but a few stray threads.

i burned half of my journals when i turned 16 and stopped trying

to imitate being an author, because writing for me isn’t an expectation–

it’s nothing but another puzzling lock without a skeleton key

and because the most delicate daydream wasn’t mine

because selfishness, to me, is not just another bland adjective

because my bones screamed with the weight of a black hole

because your reveries were enchanting. and mine were f a d e d

n o , i ‘ l l  n e v e r  b e  a s  g o o d  a s  y o u

~*~

ii.) softness, like his heart in the shape of a newborn galaxy

i faded into an ugly shade of something that’s neither monochrome nor coloured;

on the verge of collapsing onto the other side of the fence, threatening madly

but never quite having the contemplation to choose a losing side

as i fell down into the blue of a stranger’s wanderlust eyes.

someone else had taken most of that vibrant shade already, but i managed

to steal away just a sliver, a glimpse, an infinitesimal shiver

and it was the kind of lasting cold that froze summer hurricanes

and kept my breaths visibly foggy and crisply sharp with every inhale

(you never warned me. you don’t know me, but you knew me too well. and i never listen.)

i’ll always be an insignificant detail in the cyan tapestry you painted for yourself

and i’ve accepted that long ago when i said i loved you in my nightmares,

tossing and turning on the bed covered in plastic arrogance because

no other blanket felt warm and comfortable enough for my body to sleep on

until then, i could only sink deeper into the fathomless wish that this universe would end s o o n

i t  w a s  a  k i n d  o f  l o v e  t h a t  m a d e  s u i c i d e  s o u n d  l i k e  m u s i c

~*~

iii.) an abrupt goodbye/the guilty party often disappears first

i was mad at something. i didn’t know what it was, but it was foolish enough

for me to take it out onto the embracing autumn sky, on the taciturn smiles that

were supposed to hold me when tempestuous desolation grabbed at my twisted throat…

and on you. you never meant anything. you just wanted to talk, and so did i,

but my tongue was a spilling box of blades, and every time i opened my

wounded mouth to make you laugh, i always ended up cutting you by accident instead.

(friend, even if i said i’m sorry, can you ever forgive me for what i’ve done to you?)

it was an unreasonable apology, and i erased myself because of my own self-hatred,

but not before leaving footprints of a migraine in your head, which you will inadvertently step on,

slip at, and hurt yourself…fuck. i don’t know why i’m like this. i don’t know why i have

to push and pull apart the only semblance of logic in my life, the only anchor

that keeps me from towing away from the tides, the last person that still feels real to me

when everything else has blurred into an amalgamated indistinct static background;

i don’t know why i feel so smothered, when you’re the only attention i’ll ever have and need.

at this point, the only thing we have is each other’s problems, and the way we both

jeered at it, taunted it, and blocked it out with our own shared playlists until we felt better—

but now that summer was just a distant memory, and so was the scarlet artwork we made of it.

you also needed comfort. but did even try? no. i ran away from the colliding wreckage

as if it wasn’t my fault, and i numbed myself out because i couldn’t do the same for y o u

i ‘ m  s o r r y  i  m a d e  y o u  s a y  s o r r y  s o  m u c h . . .

i  d i d n ‘ t  m e a n  t o  d e s t r o y  e v e r y t h i n g

~*~

iv.) the midnight closes. the violent curtain falls.

the cold glow of my computer screen was rude and restless

and it made my fingers promise, crossed and uncrossed, that i would

stay with it until it slips into comatose. i have rinsed my mouth with lukewarm water

a hundred times to try to wash out the taste of stale coffee, but it never came out and now

i’m stuck with it until morning, until another astrological moon cycle, until i lose

myself in the chemical moments of something that’s so artificially natural.

i’m constantly starving myself, stuck between confidence and relapsing withdrawals of

my past life that i thought i discarded when i finally held on to my shooting star,

but it was always tethered tightly to me by a crimson string. and it always probably will be.

i’m alone. i’m friends with people that talk shit to me in the mirror, and when i bite

my chapped lips and draw blood by accident, it almost feels like atonement. almost.

(i got what i came for and i can’t try again. this is what i want…..isn’t it?)

i know that there are people out there making fun of me and rolling their eyes

petulantly as they bask in the trite, whimsical “perfection” of their storybook existence

but not everything has a happy ending, and not every sad story has to end badly.

i don’t know. i’ll never know. i’m tired and i have responsibilities that i’m not

built for, and every crack turns into a break, and a break into shattered p i e c e s

t o m o r r o w  i ‘ l l  d o  t h i s  o v e r  a g a i n  .  u n t i l  i  r u n  o u t  o f  t o m o r r o w s .

~*~

v.) nocturnes.

( a n d  i ‘ l l  s t a y  h e r e )

u n t i l  i  r u n  o u t  o f  n u m b e r s  t o  c o u n t ,

a n d  t h o u g h t s  t o  f e e l ,

a n d  n i g h t s  t o  s t a y  a w a k e .

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

A Melancholy Walk Down The District

Where do I go to find myself in this downtown dream?

Skyscrapers high-rise, everything is more than it seems

A mile in a million, caught in viscid lacklustre emotions

Upon seeing impressionable lights under glacial decisions

.

Horizon pale grey, though the night grows dark and deeper

Tuscan stars and effervescent skylines that glimmer and glower

Timeless destinations, that appeal for gloomy eyes to forget

But the macabre thoughts disturb again like a brimstone parapet

.

Where do I go to lose myself in this downtown desecration?

Skyscrapers down-low, shallow lipstick and coat-check desperation

A mile in a minute, caught in viscous webs of endless nowhere

That no fading light can ever permeate, only vague deliria is left spare.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

going, going, gone

Why does it feel like home when I’m lonely?
I always found on the solid ground
I was tripping away from space and time
I don’t really mind that I’m slipping…

~*~

would they notice

if my eyes faded away

and i lost my way

to the beckoning light?

the constructed highways

and hanging bridges

i still have to traverse are

too treacherous for my feet

and i can’t drag it out

watch me fight back

my shoulders straining to

remove the weight of the world

from its teetering blades

and yet i fell off the balance

waiting for the end of hell

in the beginning of the creation

closing my open heart

in this faceless underwater

i’ll feel anxiety again if i resurface

so i’ll embrace the cold and let

myself sink peacefully

all the way to the bottom

soothing the burns in my tongue

and the wait that manifests

saying i’ll jump off if i’m far too lost

and no one could come with me

to the deepest end of nowhere

where no one could reach my hand

and pull me back again

into the chaos they call home

who knows if i could still return

maybe i’ll just disappear for a while

after all, no one would notice.

~*~

We could disappear for a while
We could disappear if we’re going far away
It’s not running away, we were never meant to stay
In the first place, we could disappear for a while…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

A Letter For Future Youngbloods

As little moments fade, they come forth at night
Demanding all I think about, maybe it’s how we roll
Well, I can’t get better of stone, I won’t be letting her
Out and I can’t keep drowning this down…

~*~

Don’t let my arrival stutter this departure

Hostile eyes for bankrupt hearts endured

A balance between cosmos and dopamine

Atrium burns irascible, drunk on kerosene

.

High time to return my inimical courtesies

Retaliate and sophisticate, lavished parody

Atrophy my sanity, perversity on the floors

Convalesce as I lock up the revolving doors

.

Moments of sunshine, share words of harm

Briefcases brimmed blue, serpentine charm

Girls in the courtyard as boys make amends

Falling dollars, promises and lies to be spent

.

Cutting corners, raised stakes, paint, repent

Gamble equivocal disgrace, true half-meant

Situation at its vertex, but it never escalates

The venturers and inveterates said retaliate

.

But the end’s always the same as all the rage

Lying all alone and sleeping on spare change

Waiting for the world to reveal its only hand

Children of men, don’t pretend to understand

.

Glowing eyes extinguished by the fading moon

Kings of contagious plagues, stonewall’s gloom

Force of habit take society’s fashionable design

What is yours is mine and what is mine is mine

.

If I gave you all of my decency, showing up my only face

Ostentate, create, but don’t spend all of that in one place

Dear unfortunate youngblood, where did your youth go?

Your future’s squandered away, there’s nowhere to be so.

~*~

Oh, your eyes they glow
So pretty, they’ve lost their word
They king me the love
And I know I’m dead inside
I’m reminded every night
So girl, just know it won’t be me…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Shortsighted Longviews

Sit around and watch the tube, but nothing’s on
I change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I’m sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I’m fucking lazy…

~*~

Life is heading nowhere

Let’s beat up junkies in this dead-end shit town

I’ve smoked my eyes red

And turned my whole life and brain upsidedown

My room is a total mess

Of posters, porn magazines and week-old pizza

But I don’t have to stress

If I clean it up, I’ll lose track of my own paranoia

My remote is so worn-out

Surfing the channels but I end up watching static

A tidal wave of chips and soda

Of trash and junk piling up under this ratty sofa

There’s no bullies I could fight

No school walls I can spray paint with fuck you

And I’m sick of thinking right

And looking for a father that I never even knew

My skateboard lost one wheel

And my knees are too skinned to recover now

Afternoon heat’s suffocating

I hate having to go out and have a blast anyhow

There’s nothing else to do

All my friends are busy making out behind diners

I can fake my own death

But I’m just too lazy to think about it any further

Soggy, bathed in apathy

Wasting time by counting the hairs on my head

Being a creep to the girls

Acne on my face spelling loser, I’d rather be dead

They say I’m being dumb

But I’m just another stupid kid who has the right

And I just wanna be numb

To the pain of thinking of growing up overnight

Am I whining again, mother?

This broken home I live in still hasn’t fixed itself

My head cracked like the streets

You don’t have to care if it’s all bad for my health

Playing the same old cycles

I’m just a hairy dog trapped under the summer rain

So where’s the motivation?

It’s fucking lonely, and I’m the only one who remains

I lit fireworks ’til I burned out

There’s no light at the end of this suburban purgatory

Nothing but a juvenile doubt

Picking scabs and bleeding, let me escape this misery

Maybe I will run away again

Hitch my way or maybe jump over the turnstile train

Until the pighead cops catch me

And send me back to bed, busted-up and beaten badly

I still wonder what the hell to do

They say it’s teenage angst, but I’m too fucking angry to listen

I don’t know if I’ll have a better view

When I come around the noose, and I’ll still be jaded even then.

~*~

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I’m so damn bored I’m going blind
And I smell like shit…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

unfinished highways

bury me

in an unfinished highway

where people with

no destinations

and nowhere else to go to

might dare to traverse

an unbroken path

and maybe, just maybe

in that desolate, dust-beaten

incomplete road

i just might be able to

walk away from everything

discover my place, and

find my way home.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

The Best of You (is the Worst of Me)

In time you’ll find that we can sober up
Clean up any dirt so we can open up
These wounds have been open for forever now
Come on, be strong, your mind has gotten the best of you
You’ve done enough and you are enough
Let’s fall asleep tonight
I’ll hold you close and show you you’re not broken…

~*~

We’re in the middle of nowhere

Trying to find the end of the road

I can’t deny that eternity’s a wreck

It proves that I’m stuck in your hold

.

I’ll limit myself to break down the sun

Let’s divide by three, my cheating friend

Your beautiful face is a drink of regret

I’ll fail falling in love, then I’ll do it again

.

The right side of nothing called out to me

Turn back now while there’s still a chance

And when you run away from my memory

Shut up and decay in a mythical romance

.

Cast a spell on me and take back the war

I’ve got a secret, promise you won’t keep it

Put a curse on me and tonight we’ll go far

I’ve got a secret, swear don’t give me bullshit

.

Forever’s a lie, but together we will die

I said I was sorry, but you don’t believe me

Sometimes you have to fall just to fly

My angel is broken but she’s still so pretty

.

I’m in trouble, devil got a hold on my soul

Let’s settle the score, let’s do some more

My heart has been waiting for an apology

But it keeps coming out all wrong, baby

.

All the reasons we’ve made just not to break

Trying to set things right was another mistake

The decisions and encounters that collapsed

And friends, a forgotten night in a time lapse

.

I don’t think I’ll carry through all this alone

Open up to me, and I will come back home

I think it’s all a bad waste, vague and petty

So tell me honestly, what is it going to be?

.

Maybe we were far too young and foolish to ever feel this much

Attracted to the pains of infatuation, and senseless to the touch

I’ll be leaving soon, but I’ll leave all my things, it’s all you can have

But I’m still here tonight so one more time, teach me how to love.

~*~

You said it, you said it, I’ll take you at your word
These promises that you can’t keep
It’s getting harder to hold on
You said it, you said it, don’t ever let me fall
Don’t give up because you’re losing…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Nowhere to Go

Running in circles

To find a treasure

But undiscovered

Uncorrupted, pure

.

Dancing in circles

Looking for a way

The pirates claim

For their own day

.

Spinning in circles

To find mine alone

Too late did I know

I’ve none to take home.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry