Tag Archives: numb

fine [print]

With me understand
These patterns
How can you live forced
Into parallel lines
All functioning under
The same mind?

~*~

i’m so tired

that my skin

is beginning

to drip off my

bones and pool

on the ground

and i think my

brain’s going bad

again, it’s curling

up in a corner and

it doesn’t want to

be found out now

.

the rushed high

felt fun, but it’s

quickly wearing off

and the usual numb

is back and oh, it’s

more numb than ever

i thought i was going

to be fine, and it’s staying

that way if i really tried—

but is that just another

one of my famous lies?

will life never feel alive?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Violator

My head is oversaturated

With pervasive thoughts of you

I want to trepanate myself

Just to wring out my heavy brain

Crack open a window at the

Side and ventilate out the smoke

Because the suffocating way

You breathe is driving me insane

.

My head is quite achromatic

With elusive thoughts of only you

I want to exsanguinate myself

Just to make my rabid heart stop

Shut the doors with deadbolts

And swallow the key so I’ll choke

Because the desensitising way

You laugh is fracturing me apart.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Festive Dissociation

Everything’s just

Loud noises and

Abrasive strangers

And complacency

Take a fake apology

Dripping dead grins

Photographs taken

Just after the screams

And numbness, their

Madness, look happy

Forcibly, and pretend to

Be the perfect family

When everything’s just

Another bad memory

With noisy strangers

In a throwaway insanity.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

black mold

the clock strikes five, and then there was one.

bathroom floor. feels cold. unnaturally perfect. comforting. alone.

fingers pointing to every tile—faded pink against mouldy lavender

grimly counting the grimy walls peddling for some peace of mind

mindless indulgence, please don’t run out, pleaseplease…but it does

148 tiles. not mine. five sleeping bodies outside, blissfully unaware

five dreams i struggle not to rudely wake up with my silent screams

one. one face. hounding the very verge of my panicked wiles

melting me into an incomprehensible mess. maddening, blaming

the perpetrator of the crime. blue. perfect blue. haunting blue

angel blue with cumulous hair, have you ever seen golden clouds

before? sweet and dimpled, stifle back a sour laugh, i’m falling before

i realise that i can’t fly, oh shit oh god, i can’t fucking fly—!

pulled back. 148 tiles. small cube. no sky. hell below. my shivering hands

prayer. tired kind of mantra, no don’t want this anymore, please i

just want to be okay, please i just want it all to stop stop stop stoppp

numb but hurt, reduced to fine shreds on 28 of the 148 dirty tiles

five unconscious bodies, enviously euphorically ignorant, another storm

but not from outside, it’s too chilly for that, my eyes blur as they fog over but

better than sorry little pissbaby tears trickling, i have to face this now anyway

there’s no proper decorum for dismantled fools like me. only life. only life.

light flickers shut. 148 tiles hide beneath the shadows. five bodies toss fitfully. one.

the clock strikes six, and then there were none.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

vertigine

i feel feverish

disoriented

like the world’s

about to give way

underneath me

and there’s nothing

else i could do

but lie on my bed

and just wait for it to

finally happen.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Obsessive

I will always love you
But I need pills to sleep
I have always failed you
So throw away my memories…

~*~

I love you, I know

I feel it in my bones

From the top of my head

You make me go red

.

I love you, I know

I swear it’s just crazy

I stutter and swell

At the sight of you, lovely

.

I love you, I know

There’s no one else for me

You’re a gemstone star

You’re so nice and so pretty

.

I love you, I know

Everyday that grows stronger

But my heart grows weak

Won’t you please make it better?

.

I love you, I know

Though it’s kinda distracting

I can’t live anymore

You’re just always attracting

.

I love you, I know

My brain can’t stop thinking

About all the chances

That will never be happening

.

I love you, I know

I swear I’ll do anything

There’s no way back

I find myself constricting

.

I love you, I know

Please, why can’t you see

Am I just a false illusion?

Just what is it about me?

.

I love you, I know

Or maybe I’m just dumb

At this point, I can’t tell

Maybe I’m just too numb

.

I love you, I know

I fear there’s no control

I love you, I think

I should go see a shrink.

~*~

So throw away my memories
Throw them all away.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Don’t Let Your Destiny Escape You

These hands hold up nothing but scars underneath
From swimming these oceans and learning to breathe
So often I tell them, so often they listen to me
So make me strong, there’s blood on my hands
But the killer’s not my enemy, it’s all for the sake of love, it’s all for you…

~*~

You spoke to me like an avalanche

That buried me in rocky trysts and throes

And cut my palms, you held so tight

I wished my numb hands could let you know

.

How much it meant, how much the cost

The blanketed statements against the snow

Stained with pure crimson from my lips

It was more than a hazy hurricane of bliss

.

So I’ll open up to the skies every night

Letting lucky coincidences guide the light

A thousand miles, right into your dreams

Though the hope tears my heart at the seams

.

Now destiny prays, though we both lost faith

Was it worth it, when I forgot how to breathe?

Life’s just too short, you mumbled to heaven

It was worth it for me, but would you wait again?

.

So let’s do everything later and remember it now

I’m willing to pay the price to make it out somehow

Please keep your embrace wrapped tight around me

All before you fade away into this hollow obscurity

.

As I crash beyond the cliff and my body breaks

Into a million pieces built up of all our mistakes

I don’t mind the ocean, submerged in your blue

My thoughts will sink under, falling still for you.

~*~

I can feel your hands on my fingertips
I’m seeing oh-so clear, I know it’s for you
When all we know is falling, I’ll save something
For you, you who are all alone
When everything is beautiful, when everything’s okay
Even if it’s not okay, I’ll say, “it’s all for you”…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

bruises fresh like lemonade

ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʀʏ ᴛᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ;
ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜɪᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟᴏᴠᴇ.

warm blood

mixes with

cold water

and sugar,

a spoonful;

is the citrus

stinging all

your veins

as it slowly

circulates?

rusty nickel

for a glass

metal taste

and chlorine

numb out

the arid heat

and all of the

playground

taunts, sweet

like sweat

and brutal fists

picking out

hard seeds

bones crunch

like melted

ice between

their teeth

but business

is business

even when

the blowflies

come home

so won’t you

try it out and

take a sip—?

it won’t hurt,

i promise.

ᴅ̷ᴏ̷ɴ̷’̷ᴛ̷ ̷ʏ̷ᴏ̷ᴜ̷ ̷ᴛ̷ʀ̷ʏ̷ ̷ᴛ̷ᴏ̷ ̷ғ̷ᴜ̷ᴄ̷ᴋ̷ ̷ᴡ̷ɪ̷ᴛ̷ʜ̷ ̷ᴍ̷ᴇ̷;̷
̷ᴅ̷ᴏ̷ɴ̷’̷ᴛ̷ ̷ʏ̷ᴏ̷ᴜ̷ ̷ʜ̷ɪ̷ᴅ̷ᴇ̷ ̷ʏ̷ᴏ̷ᴜ̷ʀ̷ ̷ʟ̷ᴏ̷ᴠ̷ᴇ̷.̷

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

amnesiac

11:15 PM, 04.12.19.

i remember

how you used to have

a place in my

memory

but i’m so forgetful

and the shades

are fading

away to a dull grey

like it’s a static

vacation

turned off to

a lost radio station

and you knew,

you knew…

didn’t you?

um, i can’t recall it

anymore—but

all i know is that

i’m fucked up

i fucked up

i fucked it all up.

and i ruined

everything

we had going on

in that warm

summer conversation

where you made

sense, and i

made amends

and the music wasn’t

bad and flat like

a can of unopened

lime soda—

now nothing will ever

be the same again.

i wonder

i wonder much.

i wandered too much.

my head hurts.

everything hurts now.

it’s weird,

but my thoughts

are so numb

and i’m starting to

forget again…

i’m sorry.

who are you?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Last Answer

You see I’m wasted
I can’t quite get up yet
You see my head’s off resting
In this delusional stare
The room kept spinning and spinning
And spinning and spinning
And I’m a fucking mess…

~*~

this is the silent kind

of slow suicide—

the one that withers

you from the inside out,

the one that leaves

no tear nor bloodstain

on the canvas of your scars,

the purest kind where

there is no solace,

no escape, no more cry for help.

only a suffocating scream

welling up and banging

against your ribs,

begging to be felt, to

be heard, to be let out now…

but you are too empty,

and to let it out is to free

yourself completely

from all the numbness,

all the questions, and all of the

fucking weight you’ve been

carrying inside your mind;

dragging you down

fast into deep quicksand.

and if you allow that,

and you allow yourself to float,

and you allow nothing else

to keep you from holding on,

would you do it?

would you take the chance

and completely slip away, instead

of still suffering from the

slow kind of silent suicide?

~*~

So I closed my eyes
I shut them so tight
To witness explosions
Of pure colour and beauty
The room kept spinning and spinning
I start to think a little differently
At what we are
I watched the colour drain
From the world that day…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry