Tag Archives: part 1

Disasterology 101: Nightmares, Catastrophes, and Tragedies

I laid down, I drank the poison
Then I passed the fuck out
Now let me tell you about the good life
I have a million different kinds of fun
When I’m asleep and in a dream
That I’m your only one…

~*~

Several times these diamonds nearly bleed to death

Complicated breathing on a midnight I won’t forget

Thousand dollar oneirist, and coffee on your tongue

A song for my darling, upon shooting stars you hung

.

An average rusted boy galvanised in strings of silver

Guitar crying between your careful calloused fingers

In lakeside eyes and shotgun hearts that bit the bullet

Dim burgundy and pastel notes splashing your palette

.

Brushstrokes of gasoline, swimming under losing holds

Shame feels like broken bones, a promise not quite cold

Leatherbound love and liquid lie of a tarnished machine

Past your desecrated mouth, your affinities of evergreen

.

Haunted homes fusing and fabric skins melting together

In miraculous eternity, reposing on a graveyard weather

Hopeless chasms I dug out deeply in my wilted backyard

Veil lacing past spinal cords, as my pallid flesh is charred

.

Oh, I may well never marry gold, your lucent sun is not for my abyssal sea

And the sable ravens perched in the courtyard do not sing nor caw for me

But as the sky revolves around horizons, and our distant footsteps scream

I can hear you vividly in hymnals of faith, and of your throes I shall dream.

~*~

If you come over tonight
We can travel through time
We can sleep on the ceiling
And creep under black lights…

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letters to s.d.: fragment #1 {lifeline}

To: S.D., West Coast
Southern California
Return address: V.M.J.T.
Tijuana, Mexico

dear s.d.,

i don’t know how to begin,

but I know where it all starts.

it starts with me carving

gold stars on my wrists

and leaving tissues stained

with a beautiful shade of red

sopping over the metal kitchen sink,

glinting a hypnotic silver like

the blade in my trembling hands

…and that’s where it all was

simply supposed to have ended.

but apparently i’m still alive

and instead of wasting my blood

i’ll use the rusty ink to write

to you instead. so, how are you?

i miss the thought of losing you

and your silly uttered promises.

you said you’ll be the catalyst

to my raging cancer, but I’m still

crippled and weak from the fear.

you also told me you’d come to

separate my throat from my own

cold dead hands, but you’re still

missing and I’m still meaningless.

your lies are inebriating, darling.

you keep running circles in my

one-track mind 24/7, 365 days,

but I don’t think of you enough

or otherwise I wouldn’t have

proceeded with painting my

paper skin with rubious liquid

before shredding it to pieces

like any other filthy, disgusting

untoward abstract art deserves.

as my guts twist and untwist like

the grey earphone cords jammed

in my ears, blasting this fucking

world away with fake allegories

of a boulder hard lullaby melody,

and your voice screams the song

that i fell hard for. i’m fully aware

that you were singing it for bella,

not for me, and it’s so bittersweet

yet still I could not help myself

and a blossomed ironic quivering

smile collides against the pain—

fugacious, but for a moment

everything seemed quite normal

(but the moment of normalcy

was ruined by the knife biting

down distractedly on my flesh).

oh, your remedy and memory is

killing me slowly, worse than the

disease. we liked to run our blood

thin, but you divorced this addiction

and turned to singing, rivers calming

your tantrum storms, while I kept

relapsing to the blades that love to

feel, screaming in the showerhead

as scalding water pours and prepares

my temperature for inevitable hell.

i simply cannot help it, darling.

in this purgatory existence, there

are only momentary limbos of a

cumulonimbus paradise, before the

mocking angels snatch it away from

me, out of my reach; and make it rain

glass shards and wasteland debris

to maim my intravenous drugged veins

and they didn’t take you from me;

no, they goddamn dragged you halfway

around the fucking universe to keep

your gospel lips unattainable forever.

this ritual is only my blood sacrifice

to the merciless gods. understand that

this is only my way of returning you back

to the embrace of my lacerated arms that

You have yet to wrap yourself around in.

i’m so sorry this had to be the last resort.

i just want your company to burn me again.

i know that you won’t condone this blasphemy…

but you’re my heaven s.d., so don’t give me hell.

.

don’t let [REDACTED] go, don’t fucking throw [REDACTED] away.

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Sleep: Letting Go Of Your Dreams

“There are these terrors, and it’s like, it feels like as if somebody is gripping my…are these terrors, and it’s like, it feels like as if somebody is gripping my throat…not like tremors, worse than tremors, there are these terrors…at night, there are…not like tremors, these are worse than tremors, there are these terrors, and it’s like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat and squeezing…and like as if somebody was grip—”

~*~

Falling asleep…

A faint dream

In an elevator scene

An exploration

A decrepit room

And finally,

A music box song

That seeped

Onto reality…

Turning into

Static and wails;

Hell’s personal melody

Roaring madly

Past my ears

And the nightmare began.

Jolted into limbo

The familiar room

Materialising in front

Of my tired eyes,

But what the hell…?

I cannot sleep,

I cannot wake up,

And I can’t move...

I can’t move.

God help me,

I fucking cannot move—!

An invisible force

Pressing down on me,

Sent crawling chills

Down my skin

With every attempt

Of futile movement,

Dinning noise

Painfully screeching

Against my ears,

A beast has

Taken control of me

And I don’t know

What to do anymore.

Heartbeat panicking

And mind in a frenzy,

I tried to be calm,

To be stupidly rational

With instructions

That came out

Of a 911 operator’s

Mollifying mouth…

Okay, think this out!

You can do this.

Wiggle your toes.

A hallux, a minimus,

Just try it, okay?

There, good!

It’s working now…

Just try to move,

An arm, a leg,

A muscle, anything

At all, and then

Wait for it to spread

Across your body…

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

It doesn’t work.

I’m stuck.

I cannot break away

From the demon

That pins me

Within its claws

Rendering me

Immobile,

And screams

Triumphantly loud

In banshee roars

Deafening me

Of common sense.

I’m. Fucking. Trapped.

So what now?

Helpless as I’m

Paralysed, frozen

In a foetal position

Half conscious,

Half unconscious

Lying in my bed,

Unable to move

Or shout for help,

I give up

I’m reduced to

Waiting for it

To simply end;

Waiting for the

Monster to be sick

Of such games,

Waiting for reality

To take me back

And wake me up,

Waiting anxiously

For that final

Sweet release…

But will it even come?

~*~

“…Sometimes I see flames. And sometimes I see people that I love dying and…it’s always…and I can’t…I can’t ever wake up.”

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Log In

(Part 1. Part 2 can be seen here: https://alostpaintingslaments.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/log-out/)

~*~

PART ONE: LAMENTING

Stuck in an endless loop that’s broken

Always ignored and stays hidden

I don’t want my life like that

Just a waste of space, an ignorant prat

.

So I want to hide it all

I don’t care if I pay the toll

The lies piling up on my brain

Thinking about it all gives me a huge strain

.

I can’t take all the hurt and the pain

Watching myself lose in this stupid life game

In the darkness, groping for the door

And I just end up on the cold, hard floor

.

My faith is fading fast

The hollow hope that never lasts

The trust that gets all shattered up

The love that just suddenly stops

~*~

PART TWO: ESCAPE

Can you hear me now?

On my my knees, I make a silent vow

My painful pleas echoing inside my head

My misery ignored by everyone alive and dead

.

God, please listen to my sorrows

Don’t make this day end, I don’t want a tomorrow

Let me stay inside this solitary core

Inside this perfect place forevermore

.

Madness is how I play

Escaping from reality is the only way

I don’t want to face what I know cannot be fixed

My world and your world obviously don’t mix

.

Numbed, brainwashed by a little prescription

OD’d by a drug called fiction

Stuck inside my own fantasies

Indulged in my thoughts and insanities

.

Tear down the walls separating fiction and reality

What is real? What is not?

Succumbing to the wrong world, losing my mentality

It’s been so long, I already forgot

.

Stuck in my fantasy

Miserable, bleeding, hanging to insanity

My mind is bound to an abyss that’s empty

For all eternity

.

I’m chained by the darkness

But refusing the light

I want to escape from this whole mess

But I’ll choose to stay in the dead, silenced night

.

I’ve lost my humanity, it’s far gone

Pathetic puppet, miming in this world

Nothing more than the devil’s pawn

Spilling out useless words

~*~

PART THREE: REFUSAL

Leave me in my painful paradise

I don’t care if it’s all just lies

This is my torturous escape, my own reality

The only thing that I’ll choose to see

.

I will gladly refuse to fight

The enemy is not the night

I don’t want to head into the blinding light

This false reality is what’s right

.

Darkness will bind me now

And I shall learn to cope somehow

The piercing dark blinding my eyes

Soon, the light will be nothing but a painful surprise

.

I don’t need anyone’s help

I don’t need your endless game of charades

I can already take care of myself

And I know I won’t make it, with this endless parade

.

My soul is already gone

My inner-self has escaped and ran

I’m not what I used to be

It’ll never be the same, I’ll never ever be free

.

I don’t want to take a stand

I refuse your helping hand

I am not human anymore

This monster inside me has devoured me to my very core.

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