Tag Archives: personal

happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts…

i also want

to write about

positive things

and happy thoughts

and dainty memories

full of floral words

and eloquent hearts

dripping like pastel

raindrops off my mouth,

but how can one do so

if all he has is a black pen

piercing the chambers of

his black-bled heart?

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4 a.m. depression and jealous pasts dripping off the ceiling

thrumming

like fucking echoes

of a firefly miracle

in my coronary doldrum

beating, b-r-o-k-e-n

tongue hanging off

like the way the stars

hold on for gravity but

fall against pierced glass

of darkness anyways

i’m relapsing, r e  c   e    d     i      n        g

the past is killing me again

i say i’m alright

but shit, what if i lied

to myself as well?

the cringes that burrowed

their way into my gelid skin

and gutted my stomach

until i end up heaving in

blood and bile and scissor blades

and choking on perfume

as sweet as promises undone…

fuck you. fuck YOU

please leave me alone, walk

away from my nightmares and

leave my sanity on the doormat

i don’t want to taste your pain

and leave drunk calls on

your answering machine again.

please stop me from you

everything is hurting like hell

on a four a.m. depression

and i’m just trying to fucking

take back sunday and my sleep

from you, so spare me the

profanities and give it back

please, won’t you?

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from a writer who can’t write, to a friend who doesn’t care

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you down
And out is where you ought to stay…

~*~

i’m never enough.

every time i build

my invincible walls

back up, you shatter

it with a crashing

sledgehammer

and a glint of your

candy fucking teeth

you’re so goddamn eloquent

an angel with a seraphim

choir voice, heavenly

and i’m just a shitty

raconteur, a useless dry

quill pretending to be

a writer, a croaking bullfrog,

a clean cut nothing

vying to be the something

you would notice and

admire back, and maybe

even e n v y . . .

but no, don’t read

the lines in the wrong

perspective, oh no

i adore you so much

darling, that it turns

my heart into chiseled

stone and devours my

lusted guts like acid

in my abandoned brain

for your creative spell

is my personal dante’s hell.

but this jealousy

hurts so fucking good

that i find ways to

compare, contrast

and inflict pain on myself

emotionally, mentally

p h y s i c a l l y

desiring the day you

finally notice my scars

and compliment them

and i’ll feel fucking

revered and glorified

by a cheap side remark

by a person who couldn’t care

to a thing with ugly taint.

am i really so insecure

as to resort to low blows

and pathetic attention whoring

to feel a little better

about my blithe existence?

F U C K. Y E S.

because no matter how

many beautiful words

i bleed in silver and gold

from my pen and

into the blank canvas,

prose, poetry, stories, lies—

i’m just never enough

to make myself worthy

for myself…

no, i’m never fucking enough

for you.

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A Box of Sharp Things

Please do not

Notice the fresh

Scars on my skin

It’s nothing—

My clumsy hands

Just slipped on a

Box of sharp things

Yet again…

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Of Friends and Razor Blades

“I swear to god I did what I could, I practically begged you, I pretended everything was fine…!”

~*~

I’m stretching up for your fingertips

I’m starving for your acerbic glance

I’m singing loudly so you’d hear me

And give my lungs another chance

To expel all its empty explanations

And keep you from my nightmares

I reek of bloodlust and desperation

On wishes that I didn’t fucking care

And I loathe every beat of your soul

‘Cause it strikes my heart so painful

I’m a gun loaded with covetousness

And I hate I can’t clean up this mess

It is better off that way, they’ll all say

Why torture our life on moral decay?

We are too explosive, we all detonate

It’s best for burned towns to separate

But goddamn, you are too contagious

And despite the fact we are malicious

I’d rather endure pain to be your friend

Than to unravel my bandages but see it end.

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echoing ears

if they do not

have the mind

to pay attention

to your words—

then goddamn it

don’t waste your

breath anymore,

’cause they’re not

worth your world.

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The Wrong Time, The Wrong Place

i got my dates

all damn wrong

but i went and

played along

for i was so

deluded by you

guess i lost

track of what

was still true

i wanted to

impress, but i

ended at a skid

just who the fuck

am i kidding—?

i’m so stupid.

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lucid

I thought we had a damn good thing
A penny in the couch and a diamond ring
So baby stay away from my friends
‘Cause I need them to carry me…

~*~

i don’t

ask you

to stay away

from my

friends

because i love

the aloof

poignancy

that your

memory lends

i only

ask you

to stay away

when the

moonlight dims,

and the

nightmares are

renewed…

just stay away

from my d r e a m s.

~*~

When it’s over, I’ll count back from ten
And you can listen to glass hearts shattering.

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Guiltless Contrition

Gears grinding and churning

At the pits of my stomach

There’s a chill down my spine

And a coursing panic attack

My teeth grit and shatters

Against a nitrogen injection

Mind a diluted lukewarm water

Jittery like a drug addiction

There’s toxic in my capillaries

It’s smothering my fluttery chest

Why the fuck do I get this anxious?

I know you’re just putting me to the test.

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