Tag Archives: personal

the disconnect

i want badly

to reconnect the dots

line by line, and

form a better image

but i guess we ran out

of points to trace

so i guess this is all

just pointless.

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Filed under Poetry

blood and whiskey

sin after sin

vice after vice

piling them all in

i’m done playing nice

underhanded pains

underage drinking

do i give a fuck

i’m slowly sinking?

being sober is too taxing

feeling is such a drag

overthinking is caustic

my heart is making me gag

bitter tastes good

and wrong feels right

let’s screw up my system

one by one tonight

one for flesh, mutilated

two for kidney, bathed in salt

three for liver, fried away

four for system, sleep default

five for the soul i thought

i could finally save then

but i revert into misery

again and again and again

where’s the harm

in a little indulgence

when all life’s given you

is bullshit and nonsense?

don’t know what i’m doing

i don’t want to even mind

all i care about is transgressions

and i’m falling behind

so numb i couldn’t even feel

the sound of my voice

and i laugh without smiling

a horrible fucking noise

trying to forget the mistakes

that i tallied in crimson

i’m cutting my pain in half

taking advice from king solomon

because innocence is fragile

and soon it will goddamn shatter

until your regretful stupidity

is all that even matters

sin after sin, vice after vice

it gets better they say, but fuck, it’s all lies

and i’m only trying to have some fun

in a hellhole of an existence that offers me none.

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slipping back

please don’t make me do it

i only wish to remain untainted

until the end of the year

my scars still hurt from time to time

and i know i could never wash them away

with the strongest dose of sorry

.

please don’t make me do it

i’ve been scot-free for almost a month

i want badly to believe i can make it through

but i close my eyes and see flashes

of a gleam and spurting blood

painting my bedroom walls with delirious laughter

.

please don’t make me do it

i promised them my life that i wouldn’t

but it’s so difficult to grasp onto fragile straws

and it’s so easy to lie about these malignant stains

splotching my pleading skin with colours

chromaticity of the worst kind

.

please don’t make me do it

the voices are starting anarchy in my head

and it’s giving me a painful headache

i don’t know which one will drive me insane first

and i don’t want to go back anymore

but i’m so tempted to give in—it’s all so easy

make it stop. make it stop. make it stop…

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Promises

Promises, promises

Are all they’ll ever be

I heard the same thing

A million times lately

.

Promises, promises

Said you were sincere

But guess I’m to blame

For thinking you’re here

.

Promises, promises

Of vows against blood

Your hand on the devil

When you swore to god

.

Promises, promises

Kept my end of the side

But cheaters will cheat

And the liars always lie

.

Promises, promises

Guess they don’t extend

Cutting ties, and it’s over

Rules were made to bend

.

Promises, promises

Made simply out of need

You’re a bastard for lying

And I was a fool to believe.

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Stomachaches

My body’s weak, it gave up on me
This time I don’t think I will get out from
What I’m underneath, it’s hard to believe
Another day of rain has come and gone…

~*~

curled up compact

as shockwaves of pain

twist daggers up my sides

doubling over metallic tang

as i coughed up rust

breaking, breaking

.

coiled within and writhing

as the shock slithers into aches

breaking apart in sulphurous acid

tearing holes in my viscera

as i’m blistered and vitriolic

hurting, hurting

.

contorted inhumanely

as the irascible aftershocks

flowed magma on my insides

burning me internally

as i waited for it to be over

dying, dying.

~*~

“Don’t go” she said
I wouldn’t mind but I’m cold inside
I’ve felt so bad for so long
I’m scared I’m fine…

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silent summers and wasted memories

They used to be the rivers
That would take us away
But now you only call me
Every Christmas and my birthday…

~*~

diving into

liquid reveries

and searching for

lost words

i could never

set past my

grievous tongue

in endless

nights of misadventure

and chicanery

rife with fondness

and hyperbole

and playful kicks

jovial as it hits

our wayside brains

though never

directly spoken

we were speaking

in a language

that only we

could decipher

leaving the rest of

the world to wonder

what amuses our

strange souls so

little did they know

we were laughing

at them all along

for they could

never understand

how these broken gears

spin and stutter

and how we turn such

mechanical gnashes

into a symphony

listening to each other’s

lilting cacophonies

until sunset hits

our bloodshot eyes

bidding us its goodnight

and i yearn for those

pastel-shade days…

of glib tongues

talking about stuff

and sheer nonsense

and insensibility

and rancid relativity

and bouts of sovereignty

in blue screen deaths

and sleep infidelity

now a distant polaroid

fettered in grey

and fragmented by time

a memory daze—

i break the surface of

my reminiscing

almost forgetting to

catch my breath

and write the words

i remembered to think

but never said aloud

hoping someone could

still hear the wind…

it was a delicate summer

and yet, rather wasted

on dead air and empty silence

that much, i know

that much, i could see

and that much, i wonder

i wonder if you knew

and i’m rather curious

why are we wasting

time again?

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Empire

I didn’t feel right then, so I

Built this sturdy iron castle

But you’d made it crumble

With a touch of your finger

And as I foraged the debris

Looking for a piece to save

You stepped over the ashes

And buried me in the flames.

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Friends In Low Places

When July became December
Their affection fought the cold
But they couldn’t quite remember
What inspired them to go
And it was beautifully depressing
Like a street car named Desire…

~*~

Plans unmade, promenade

Of impulsive souls chasing

Both the sun and the moon

Our stomachs hurt laughing

.

Tasting food, staying good

In the company of this five

Swapping songs, going long

We’ve never felt more alive

.

Talking ‘bout all our doubts

And those things that we love

From the sad and the madness

And the things we can’t have

.

Crying out, screaming pain

Letting them know our names

Silent vigils, and lost in sigils

We’re all fucked and the same

.

Don’t depart, take my heart

So let’s join the scarlet parade

Scaring thoughts, there’s a lot

Screw it, let’s all stay up late

.

Breaking dusk, breathing air

From the nightlife we dared

Walking miles, talking styles

Of stories kept in for a while

.

Getting drunk, getting high

Like goddamn fourth of July

Getting sick, getting crazy

We’re just bitches too lazy

.

Drinking milk, buying beer

Two for one, so cheers to here

Shutting down paper towns

Until the time to go is too near

.

Maybe next time we’ll meet

Say the things stuck in our teeth

Promise, breathe once again

I already miss the company then

.

Misadventures with you idiots

Reminding me of why I still try

To get past all my choking pasts

And why I still don’t want to die.

~*~

Oh memories!
Where’d you go?
You were all I’ve ever known
How I miss yesterday
How’d I let it fade away?
Don’t fade away…

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Small Talk

“If I die now, you’ll be fine, wouldn’t you?” Came the morbid question, startlingly from out of nowhere, the tone rather earnest and solemn, as the rest of her contradictory body moved to pack up her bright clothes and stunning makeup in preparation for the party she was going to attend in that very evening; a glamorous night out in the city hotel for endless hours of revelry and colourful strobe lights and dancing with her inebriated friends.

“Not if I die first.” Was the equally-morbid devil-may-care reply, swift and acerbic, passed off in a jovial manner, accompanied by an amused grin and a playful hand slap, as he continued to stare jadedly at the glaring screen of his computer, thinking about the bottles of whiskey and cola that he secretly stashed away at the very back of the fridge, to be consumed later on at midnight in his bedroom with some crisps; a little party of his own.

They both smiled at each other quietly and let the conversation slide, and they went about with their business. They knew neither one was joking. And they knew they couldn’t do anything about it. So they just pretended to laugh.

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Into The Nothing

Screaming on the inside, I am frail and withered
Cover up the wounds that I can’t hide
Walls that lie between us, the saint within the sinner
I have lost the nerve but it’s all right
Carry the wounded and shut your eyes…

~*~

A temporary twinge that sets back shadows

In the illumination of a thousand stars

Exhaustion slithering surreptitiously again

Impatient risks and one-sided grumbling wars

.

I could feel my heartbeat like a dulled knife

Chiseling my heart with a steady thump thump thump

Until all that’s left to carve away is ivory spine

Break the barricade with silencers and loaded guns

.

The imbibed bourbon as heavy as indebted money

And the cold turns into an unyielding freeze

Fingers tapped, reduced to painting bloody nibs

From trite entertainment that’s built on a transient lease

.

Distractions won’t sideswipe the prior chagrins

Vanilla ice cream is tasted again and again until it’s boring

And the sweetness turns my grimacing teeth numb

Suffocating on shaky breaths and nitrogen, I’ll succumb

.

Despite the ringing laughter, something still feels rather off

I shouldn’t be aching, I shouldn’t be alienated, I should be better

But instead I feel like a small plastic toy piece on the board

And before I know it, the cards are flipped, it’s game over, and I lost.

~*~

Into the nothing, faded and weary
I won’t leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying, heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive…

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Filed under Poetry