Tag Archives: personal

wish

what i’d

give for

my brain

to just be

fucking

n o r m a l

for one day.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

syko

N O T – E N O U G H

my body screams

limitations tear

at my throat like a

bad weather flu

taking over with

feverish delusions

overthinking and

undermining itself

a brain in high-octane

misery, burning out

of the hollow skull

to save itself from

drowning in its own

madness, screaming

N O T – E N O U G H

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

northern downpour sends its love

morning storms

and opened windows

forgotten dreams

hanging by the seams

drowsy downpour

escaped stranger’s laugh

thoughts too wired

a quaint book read to tire.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Fluorescence

Let’s spill into my bedroom and leave the lock open

I want your neon bones to glow against mine

You’re the only mess I won’t hide away in my closet

You’re the reason I always oversleep every night

.

My mind’s getting stretched out into a thin veil

So much so, that you could see through my thoughts

Is it immodest, love? Is it too vulgar to even care?

You said you’ll be a martyr but you don’t believe in God

.

Exposed to the acrid winter, still shrinking and shivering

I’d find it abhorrent if I wasn’t the one lost to a blizzard

Crawling for your warmth, your doors were never open

Would you leave it ajar for me, or leave all the lights shut?

.

But I won’t be the letdown that you’ll stand on and fall

And I just never know myself like I knew you at all

This chemical decadence is rotting my plastic heart

Convulsing my fragile veins as it’s tearing me apart

.

But I’ll spill into your bedroom even when it’s locked

I need your neon bones to extinguish against mine

You’re the mess I love to count when I’m not feeling tired

And the only reason I oversleep just to wake up every night.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

idle

fending away the flies

in this miserable heat

seconds spin sluggishly

routine feels discrete

.

finding a final flight

in the middle of a beat

minutes missing endlessly

routines fast deplete.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

deliria nervosa

mass hysteria,

melting down into

a million jagged

pieces—of pure

nonsense and

plastic panic

philosophical

diatribes taken like

placebo medicine

lost in a wreck

unopened letters

hanging by a thread

shivering hands

no longer sane

reaching still for

the final claim

so find out before

time inches

forward, a sharp

blade straight down

the left lung,

searching for a

cavity that’s about

to detonate

from cortisol and

mad serotonin

blown out of

proportion, mixing

in confusion but

finding no answer

next to liars and

cancer; euphoria?

pure mania? take your

colours, it’s over

it’s over, the deed

has been done

the consequences

hold the lock, the

key is missing now

and the demons

have been unleashed…

calm your mind

from bad decisions

anxiety’s grasp

will suffocate you

like it did—

like it does and

it will—but please

just keep it down and

let the concrete set

before you sleep

on another pile of

instant regrets.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

clutter

you are mania

and sad playlists

and pencil-sketched lips

.

you are sweetness

and cold headaches

and portraits, unfinished.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

…and skyward, to come home.

save my

sensibility

the wrongness

of being right,

ludicrous—

mothballs taper

off to fixtures

on the wall;

your portraits

five. nine. nine.

not knowing

the date and place

but persisting to

hitch a hearse

for the winners

and you sleep

and you slept…

cheek to the gutters

like rainwater and

dry ice melting

but the puddles are

still far too cold

to be touched

with bare hands

.

your malevolence

my destiny

a love, chased

down with laudanum

and bitter spirits

starving for fire

not mine, no—

but angels won’t

exist just to see us

fall away and die,

and if i do so

let it be beside you

and these memories

of springtime

and soft sadness

discoloured fingernails

pointing to the sun

sending wishes

holding on tightly

never there?

never where—

not the awful thought

of losing you out

to another bore

.

when i’ve got

good stories to tell

and a bad heart

to prove innocent

hear me out, please

your music speaks

in earthquakes

and perfect fifths

though abstract

the ends may seem

myopic gaze

did you lose sight?

so save my sorry

humanity and

your flesh betwixt

mine again

for countdowns

don’t matter if

time doesn’t

make amends, when

you’ll be just fine

i know—but then

what am i?

what am i now?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

An End-of-the-Sem Rant (+some dumb art)

Happy start of June, everyone. And happy summer holidays (or the end of it, to some), as well. It’s been a while.

So. I made it home somehow. And to no one’s surprise, I have to drop out from college (whether temporarily or permanently, it’s still undecided) thanks to failing grades, so I guess I’ll be stuck here a while. I’m honestly just relieved to get this whole stressful weight out of my chest now, and mostly thankful that my entire family hasn’t totally disowned me and scissor-kicked my pathetic ass straight onto the kerb, leaving me to die alone, destitute, and homeless. But assuming the role of the classic family disappointment living in their parents’ basement aside, I still have to do something productive. Maybe find a crappy job to toil on for the rest of my useless life. Maybe go back to college after a bit of rest and then suffer extensively to the verge of suicide again. Maybe find some other calling or whatever the hell that means. People are lowkey pushing me to take DIA or some writing internship or shit like that, but I really don’t think my heart would be in it, and it would also just mean more unnecessary expenses that would be wasted, should I inevitably fuck up again. So now…I don’t know yet. I know for sure what I really want to do with myself, but just the details of that plan are so insanely fuzzy and the end goal is far from attainable. Ah, hell. C’est la vie. I could always just throw myself directly into oncoming highway traffic and either die or sue if nothing else works, save everyone the time and trouble.

In other less-depressing news, I’ve been focusing so much work and energy into drawing and arts—and the occasional ear training, scales/modes practice and music theory studies, which I admittedly have been kinda slacking on—that I never really realised until now that I haven’t quite paid attention to writing as much these days. Not that I’m worried about completely slipping out of the habit of it, though. I just find it a bit strange and disconcerting for my hands to not be itching for a pen and my journal all the time. Writing is always going to be the main core of my hobbies, since it’s the one that comes most naturally to me, but I gotta take a break every once in a while, y’know? After thousands upon thousands of various write-ups both finished and unfinished, maybe I’m just a teeny bit burnt-out—wow, who would’ve thunk? I’ll probably get back to it soon anyway, since I really have nothing else to do nowadays but lie in my dusty bed and get deep-fried by the severe goddamned heat wow global warming is real you guys

Anyway, here are a few trash illustrations and whatnot that I’ve worked on the past couple months. Might as well share it here, since they’re just sitting in my sketchbooks and rotting away miserably otherwise. As for a demo music-wise, well…I’ll see if I can gather up enough courage and motivation to record myself and actually put up stuff of that calibre. Nah, jk. I won’t subject whoever’s stumbling across my blog to my shitty voice and sappy lyric-writing and subpar instrument playing. This ain’t the time and place for that. Y’all just gonna have to wait for my full-length fire asf album to drop coming out 2069 eyyyy hahahaH end me please :)))

But that’s about as exciting as my life gets, really. And I have more fitful and unknown days way ahead of me. I mean for god’s sake, I’m barely a week into this holiday and my life’s already collapsed back into a deathless rot, and I’ve also got an ongoing migraine that’s festering worse than a twenty øne piløts song. Let’s see what kind of other mindless indulgence and flagrant existential crises this round of the year brings.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

Have Some Booze, So You Don’t Choke On The Truth

So come on and take a shot
You just can’t get enough
Don’t let the fact that you know
Nothing stop you talking now
‘Cause when all is said and done
My name’s still on your tongue
But tell me, why you gotta
Kick me when I’m down?

~*~

I meant what I said

When I said nothing’s wrong

Because nothing was what’s left

Of this bad trick all along

.

You act like you’re in sorry pain

Try to keep your glares curt

But blunt lies crush the silence

You’re the only one hurt

.

And to think I never thought

Only accepted with the blindest faith

But things are too good to be true

And they won’t come to those who wait

.

It was just a matter of time

But I wasn’t really keeping score

We’ve done this over and over, now

Hell, I’ve seen it all before

.

And honestly, it’s fine by me

It’s one less bullshit to worry about

Less weight on my strained shoulders

A good lesson to keep the flies out

.

So hold out your soul and cry

I won’t stay to watch the flowers die

You’re not even worth the spite

You were never worth the fucking fight

.

So long, and no thanks for the crazy memories

That stabbed like a migraine even as I kept going on

Goodbye and swallow the drama, I don’t need it anymore

It’s just easier to accept that I never cared all along.

~*~

Yeah, I know it’s all in good fun, but
Don’t say it’s coming from love now
I see those arms in akimbo
And don’t set that phaser to stun
‘Cause what doesn’t kill me
Well, it better run like hell
Yeah, you better run like hell…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry