i have never told you a single thing
because i do not want you involved
i do not want you to get in the way
of such trainwreck i have devolved
if it was better for me, i would bite
they all say it’s what’s fucking right
but i know there’s not a damn point
there’s only cliche bullshit to anoint
of medication and invasive therapy
that leaves no personal room for me
and i do not want paid-for sympathy
nor will i waste my time for insanity
six years i’ve been dealing out alone
and i’m still alive right now, aren’t i?
i’ve done everything to keep it all in
fucked in the head with fucking lies
but i’m fighting back, broke apology
i cut my wrists, but never too deeply
i repress depression, relapse, release
i’ve people to pull me out of the seas
i still hope, i still dream, and i’ll love
i’m still disgustingly human by blood
i am damaged, but that does not mean
that i’m not trying to change anything
so please just stay away from this mess
and honestly, this is just all for the best
say it’s help my mind need endures, but
you just might end up making me worse.
“…Can you feel my heart?”
i vain to
red lines past
until both my
how the fuck
do you feel
know how to?
lost in a
why do i
have to even
let me die
but it won’t
let me go.
rope in my
it’s got a
all there is
to do is silently
i m p l o d e.
i loa[REDACTED] [REDACTED] out [REDACTED] tor, alw[REDACTED] remember.
i can’t bear the thought
of this pen moving
and throwing up useless
bullshit yet again…
why do i try? why do i try?
i want to reach for you.
you’re only five feet six inches
short, but when i stand on
your shoulders, i see the whole
universe tearing itself up
apart in neon explosions and
and i’m the maestro conductor,
tapping away and waving
the concatenations, every beat
of discord, and the astral
symphony of an entropy.
save me with your caramel arms
don’t let me get sucked in
by the impending black hole
that nullifies every cell, every
song, every damn belief
in my body and system, until
i am reduced to cosmic echoes
of a voided wavelength,
and somehow i would rather
let this planet eat me away.
but don’t let my god go
away for me, love every comet
and asteroid as if it were
my heartbeat and soul,
manipulate the disaster of
my negative existence,
and kiss me goodnight on
this somnolent moontide.
i stopped these knives for you
i’ll make you proud again.
this time, i won’t let the demons
steal my comets and win.
my dearest s.d., you were
always a giant standing among
toy soldiers, so commandeer
the garrison of the angels straight
to heal my stretched humanity
and make my universe spin
once again. i’ll wish for your
comforting star each lonely night,
s.d., so please watch over me
and hope i don’t fall away this time.
love, wishes, and goodbye; signed,
your bleeding little blue moon.
like fucking echoes
of a firefly miracle
in my coronary doldrum
tongue hanging off
like the way the stars
hold on for gravity but
fall against pierced glass
of darkness anyways
i’m relapsing, r e c e d i n g
the past is killing me again
i say i’m alright
but shit, what if i lied
to myself as well?
the cringes that burrowed
their way into my gelid skin
and gutted my stomach
until i end up heaving in
blood and bile and scissor blades
and choking on perfume
as sweet as promises undone…
fuck you. fuck YOU
please leave me alone, walk
away from my nightmares and
leave my sanity on the doormat
i don’t want to taste your pain
and leave drunk calls on
your answering machine again.
please stop me from you
everything is hurting like hell
on a four a.m. depression
and i’m just trying to fucking
take back sunday and my sleep
from you, so spare me the
profanities and give it back
please, won’t you?
give me a
so i could
and bleed out
all over again.
Licking your fingers like you’re done
And you’ve decided there is so much more than me
And baby honestly it’s harder breathing next to you, I shake
I brought a gun and as the preacher tried to stop me
Hold my heart, it’s beating for you anyway…
There is a delusion of us I hoped vainly to abstain
I’d lust after this dissolution, but it never remains
Both blank eyed, watching kaleidoscopic scenery
Against smoky shadows of automatic machinery
I am a Tom Sawyer stuck in the American Gothic
So drive a pitchfork in my chest, call me pathetic
I’m used to heaving, this deluded boy won’t think
Pastel pink of watered-down blood lining the sink
Now my tongue is fettered to the roof of my mouth
Preoccupied with my dizzy little girl from the south
Her poison scented soft like a postcard from France
Breaking off both wrists with her single cold glance
You gave me a present, I wasted it reaching the past
I swear these mnemonics were not supposed to last
I won’t be able to retrieve those nights that you stole
Crushed like my soul to draw my portrait in charcoal
Your silver necklace is beginning to tighten like a noose
The chain links are tiredly tarnished but I can’t set loose
I’ll die clashing against gold and in monochrome lockets
Please save my heart dizzy girl, and hide it in your pocket.
What if I can’t forget you?
I’ll burn your name into my throat
I’ll be the fire that’ll catch you
What’s so good about picking up pieces?
What if I don’t even want to…?
please be the light
in my endless nights
please be the angel
that comes when i call
please be the sight
horizon of what’s right
please bandage my wings
and shatter the walls
please be the fight
between black and white
please catch my halo
when i fall.
Sometimes I just
Need a leverage
Even though no
One is asking
Me to hold