Tag Archives: question

violent self-deception

arrest the cloying hope

like the blood in my mouth

clotting, bitter, deep red,

barely letting me breathe.

i can’t justify myself

and my repeating hypocrisy

but i want to leave it all

behind…even if that means

being consumed by my

own fool’s ideology

and suffer disappointment

over and over and over again

for the sake of a dream;

just another tragic cliche.

that’s why my secret

is still a secret, and why even

the most vicarious pleading

won’t force it out of me

because if cold laughter is

the answer to a pending question,

then what good will it do me

to add my ambition to

their comedic entertainment?

it’s the only thing i have

left to fucking fight for anymore…

it’s the only thing i have left.

no, i don’t want anything grand;

i just want to have a little faith

even if that means lying to myself.

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q & a

i couldn’t

answer you

truthfully

even if i tried

because i

know it’s easier

for you if i

simply told a lie.

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not dead, just deadbeat

‘Cause I carry ghosts of the things
You’ve said, I lay my bones to rest
Night after night, sleepless in Phoenix
Tell me a lie, make me believe it
You got me right where you haunt me…

~*~

my intestines are curled up

like unfathomable truth

like the end of the world that’s

happening in my head

so if i didn’t disappear anytime

i hope i’d just drop dead

they all tell me lies that i know

it’s sad that i still believe it

the past is a graceless substitute

for the smiles in my teeth

the future is a giant question mark

leaving open blanks in my skin

i’m sad to the beat of my own heart

and anxious to the beat of others

i don’t know if i’m being melodramatic

or all of this is just wishful sinking

but it feels real—at least, it’s more real

than all the things i’m never sure of

like the art of tragedy in a false miracle

or if i would ever make it out alive

or lose faith in myself before i say i did

i couldn’t feel low if i have drowned

so i close my bleeding eyes and pray again

that when i open them, i’ll see a reality

where i’m certain that i know what i’m doing.

~*~

Night after night, need you to know this
Tears me apart, I hope that you’re hopeless too
And I know we can kiss the past goodbye…

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mental block. (1)

***

i’m caught

between

sadness

and fear

question is,

where do i

go from here?

***

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Know Thyself

I’m calling you from the future
To let you know we made a mistake
And there’s a fog from the past
That’s giving me, giving me such a headache
And I’m back with a madness…

~*~

When I reevaluate myself

Where do I start to draw the line

Between the beginning and the change

Down my brain or with my spine?

.

When did my hands start shifting

To change pure gold into black rust

And lucidity became obstinate

Covering the mirrors with cold dust?

.

What place was my starting line

And when did I stumble and trip?

Did I get to the checkered finish

Or trampled by my opponents’ feet?

.

Why did my pen become cynical

And my heart run out of honest ink

How did my eyes fail to see the picture

When did my mind cease to think?

.

Have I truly changed for the better

Or did I just become a stranger shape

From fitting out of the cramped box

Because I wished for a little more space?

.

Did I drift away from my audience

As their applause started to sound the same

Was I meant for a moment in spotlights

Or was I meant to hide away my own name?

.

Were these lines on my face here before

Or the lines on my arms and thighs?

And the lines I once thought avant-garde

Are they now nothing but banal lies?

.

And why did my tongue get longer

But the accuracy in their wings clipped

Confusion may soar abound the sky

But my heavy body refuses to lift

.

Regrets and problems, I once could carry

Have broken my back and my will to be

The things I loved, reduced to wistful smiles

Memories once happy turned sorry

.

I wish I didn’t sulk and drain myself

Turn off the lights just to be haunted by ghosts

I fucking wish I didn’t have to be so insecure

To let emotions linger like a gracious host

.

Sometimes I think I really know myself

Until everyone says the complete opposite

And everything I do turns upsidedown

I become less uncertain of my purposeful visit

.

Just who was I? Or rather, just who am I now?

When I reassess, all I do is think and rethink again

It hurts my head, and I’ll just start to lose myself

Better to keep the present than to bury myself in past skins.

~*~

I got rage every day, on the inside
The only thing I do is sit around and kill time
I’m trying to blow out the pilot light
I’m trying to blow out the light
I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in…

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Double Dares, No Take-Backs

I wanna make my way into your kiss
I wanna live inside your mind next to your favorite songs
I won’t slow my pace until your walkway
I wanna lose my mood inside a late night phone call with you…

~*~

Keep me in your sights, and double double dare me

I’ll be your clapping beat, now won’t you sing along

The air between our shaky hands won’t be won’t be

Won’t be blowing until our skin gets it all wrong

.

Smile, but the gloom doesn’t dissipate to the moon

You’re my childish reverie, I’m your little red balloon

Play 21 questions until the question marks are tired

Of answering the same old things in our curious minds

.

Keep me in your sights, and double double dare me

I’ll be the song stuck in your head, now won’t you sing along

The wind beneath our heaving chest won’t be won’t be

Won’t be blowing until our skin gets it all wrong

.

Cry, but heaven doesn’t hear what you wanna say

The angels left you powerless, they don’t exist for today

Laugh until the laughter begins to sound suspicious

No one could be that happy, but we’re just both auspicious

.

Keep me in your sights, and double double dare me

I’ll be the lyrics you never wrote down, now won’t you sing along

The zephyr under our interlocked eyes won’t be won’t be

Won’t be blowing until our skin gets it all wrong

.

Talk, but the stars only hear static words and white noise

Expectations take over emotions, you just wanna have a voice

Count sheep until we run out of sandy footprints to break

I’ll go around, wrapped in your bedpost, dreaming of mistakes

.

Keep me in your sights, and double double dare me

I’ll be the instrument in your hands, now won’t you sing along

The breeze by our swaying hips won’t be won’t be

Won’t be blowing until our skin gets it all wrong

.

Kiss, but hell is so faraway from everything else

Slowing down time as gravity makes contact with nonsense

Dance until we’re out of breath, until we don’t care

You’re my spin the bottle, but babe I’m your truth or dare

.

So keep me in your sights, and double double dare me

I’ll be the only favourite song you know, now won’t you sing along

The tempest brewing between our tense lips won’t be won’t be

Won’t be blowing until our skin feels warm and our hearts get it all wrong.

~*~

Feeling my love mood—I kind of see you
When I climb into my mind, that’s where I keep you
And lately where I waste my time
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, show me everything I want
Because I want you now…

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May Is Not Enough For Me To Stop Bleeding

And as the sun went down, we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound, and as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control, 3-2-1 where did it go?

~*~

My wounds cry for you alone

I wish to hell I could stop them

But my body is too out of control

From the thought of your oxygen

As your voice broke over the sound

Of the love that tasted like the skies

All my questions effervesce in evergreen

Heart shaking at the thought you’ll arise

And when you spoke of good intentions

Breaking again from my transgressions

Sorry was enough for you but not for me

As my lost lips faltered at “I’d rather be…”

I can’t own the thousand nights you have

I can’t keep it alone under my key and lock

I can’t collide twice with your perfect world

And all I have is your melting flesh to hold

A million and one miles ain’t enough to bring me home

And my floral pink dreams tear up as I cry for you alone

To where you’re waiting, as your shattered voice stops breaking

Walking as I close my eyes and clot at the thought of never waking.

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i’m always listening.

i’m a doubtful man

always questioning

the things i receive

but somehow when

you sing that for me

i will always believe.

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Small Talk

“If I die now, you’ll be fine, wouldn’t you?” Came the morbid question, startlingly from out of nowhere, the tone rather earnest and solemn, as the rest of her contradictory body moved to pack up her bright clothes and stunning makeup in preparation for the party she was going to attend in that very evening; a glamorous night out in the city hotel for endless hours of revelry and colourful strobe lights and dancing with her inebriated friends.

“Not if I die first.” Was the equally-morbid devil-may-care reply, swift and acerbic, passed off in a jovial manner, accompanied by an amused grin and a playful hand slap, as he continued to stare jadedly at the glaring screen of his computer, thinking about the bottles of whiskey and cola that he secretly stashed away at the very back of the fridge, to be consumed later on at midnight in his bedroom with some crisps; a little party of his own.

They both smiled at each other quietly and let the conversation slide, and they went about with their business. They knew neither one was joking. And they knew they couldn’t do anything about it. So they just pretended to laugh.

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Disasterology 305: Dial D-E-A-T-H For Disaster

Can we create something beautiful
And destroy it?
Nobody knows I dream about it
This is my imagination…
If every living thing dies alone
What am I doing here?

~*~

If I taught you to dream, would you finally learn to sleep?

I’ll amaze you with the million stars I hide under my bed

Build me a wreck from a beauty I created but I can’t keep

You’re bad for my health, I’ll take one aspirin for my head

.

Catatonic hearts scream, from the energy keeping us awake

And shafts of sunlight beat down harsh on beautiful victims

Another unwritten telegram on the ceiling is all that it takes

For our getaways to run away, as your provenance is sinking

.

Will you pick me up if my mirror starts bleeding phantoms?

It hurts less if I pick up my pieces and drink my own venom

The words are running away from me, should I try to chase?

Clockwork temper with your contagious distractions in place

.

Will you be there when I die? Are you too caught with fame?

Are you just a nightmare? Do you even remember my name?

The acid answer would be the reason that my wineglass falls

I’m tired of waking up to a reality of answering machine calls

.

Buried close together in a shallow grave which was built for only one

These flower wreaths are choking me, cliché roses left for cliché suns

Wounds and bandages tangling, unraveled in farewell of a handshake

For dial tone sessions with your dying voice, I don’t mind staying up late.

~*~

If every living thing dies alone
What am I doing here…?
(Fuck it!) If it’s the end of the world!
If it’s the end of the world!
You and me should spend
The rest of it in love!

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