Tag Archives: rant

Random hijinks which ensued whilst I was momentarily home alone (10.23.20.)

• Procrastinate on a sketchy watercolour painting of an edgy bastard character, even though I’m mostly finished with it. I have absolutely no idea what background to paint because I never plan this shit out, and I just grab a vague thought in my head and go for it full-send, hence why I always screw it all up big-time and it simply turns out sticking out too much and ruining the entire artwork altogether. I am not a man of critical artistic vision,,,

anyway, here is a sneak peak of an Edgy Bastard™ idiot

• Watch half an episode of Man Down while having a nice hearty breakfast (and trying not to choke on my wheat bread from laughing at Greg and Mike and Roisin’s various shenanigans), and then bail halfway through both the show and the food because everyone finally cleared out of the house and I wanted to seize this barely-even-once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity to do other things I’m not really able to within the company of others, out of plain consideration and respect (even though they rarely return the courtesy, the noisy prattling nobheads)

• Jam out with a few pop-punk and indie songs on my guitar and ukulele (as well as practicing my scales and riffage skills—or what scant amount I have of it anyway hah who are you even trying to josh, allen) and realise how sorely out-of-practice I am because I haven’t really played as much as I used to, thanks I hate it forever :^/ I also tried to practice my high notes or falsetto or whatever the hell you want to call it (after seeing this sick cover of Sugar by one of my fave dudes lmao thanks mr. maslow), and that just ended up giving me—and probably the neigbours’ dogs—a great big bleeding headache

• Have a silly little btr dance party in lieu of a warmup (I learnt exactly one dance move. and ended up entangling my throbbing ankles and nearly eating concrete trying to get it down) and then proceed to practice doing some handstands (not to fluff my own hair but I gotta say, I’m getting quite better at holding it…push-up and walking handstands, here I come!!!), kip-ups, jump-roping, and finally attempt to do some front handsprings (and chicken out last-minute because I literally have zero athleticism and am also absolutely terrified of landing on and breaking me bloody back)

• Annoy the bugger out of my poor sleeping cat (and also refill her food and water and let her do her business on the litter box before gently petting her back to slumber, g’night lil babey artemis sorry for the bother love you ehehe owo)

• Do a quick round of vocal warmups (and by quick I mean at least ten minutes minimum, I can’t really risk fucking up my throat as I am admittedly severely out of practice with singing as well) and finally try to get back at practicing vocal fry, growls, mid and low screams, and proper breathing and vocal projection, after literal months of being unable to do so. Legitimately the last time I was even remotely alone enough to do this was last frigging February—which I know doesn’t really count for much in quarantine hours because time has become useless and inconsequential, but all the same, eight months is pretty fucking nuts! Wow that rhymed. 10/10 poet. Jk not really I’ve barely written shit hahaha stab me. I digress. Although, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I haven’t fallen out from uncleans too much, and even found it relatively easier to do full-on screams with less effort (I still need to practice on enunciating though, I keep accidentally cookie monster-ing while trying to toe the critically-fine balance between singing and vocal fry and unless I’m planning to be in a Sesame Street-themed noise rock industrial lofi deathcore shoegaze band, y’all that’s not gonna fly at all). I will probably have to compose a letter of apology (and also have it notarised while I’m at it lmao) to the law firm downstairs though, they must’ve thought an entire cricket team and five pregnant swans were getting mercilessly butchered with all the racket my mouth was producing, whoops

• And finally, doing a thousand and five retakes of…whatever the fuck this even is, until my entire throat inevitably collapsed on itself:

(a piss-poor attempt is what it is—and a pretty successful attempt at completely butchering a perfectly good ptv song, fackin ‘ell i just completely gave up on that last line,,, t’was too much of a mouthful mate)

Aaaaand then my younger sister eventually returned from the seamstresses’ shop with a repaired bridesmaid gown and some Maccas (that’s McDonald’s for you non-Aussies…which I am not one either but y’know, cool slang and what have you) and had to attend her online class, which meant I had to give it up for the day. I had that stupid background painting and a cold half-breakfast-that’s-already-technically-an-afternoon-snack to get back to anyway, as well as three fanfics I all started writing at the same time and keep jumping on writing from one to the other (I think the technical term for this is “writer’s parkour”), so Gustavo knows if I’m ever gonna get to finish any single one. Probably not because I keep stopping to have a sob on one (jesus on an omnibus the fluff + feels are too fast too rampant too reaaaalll ;-;), stopping to have a laugh on the other because of how utterly ridiculous it is (which is on par with the show I’m making it about anyway, but just with my bad writing skills so like less funny and considerably worse), and stopping to take a breather or two on the final one (because my raving anxiety simply can’t handle writing all that damn angst, blech). Also I have another horror bandfic that I started last December 2018, but I sort of dropped it even though I was 90% through with it because I can’t be arsed to edit the whole shebang. Though I have transferred it to my laptop (which finally got fixed and revived after two years of having a broken screen because my dumb sleepy arse went and got it caught on a zipper. yes seriously. no further comments.), so maybe someday. Ish. Eh. But all in all, today was a somewhat productive day. Not really in any relatively useful nor fascinating nor capitalistic manner, mind you, but at least about as productive as a lazy gobshite like me gets. Anyhow. That’s that on that, I suppose. Until the next meandering rant. Cheers.

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asunder

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allen gets embarrassingly euphoric over new paintbrushes for a couple minutes straight because they have no life (+a quick little watercolour doodle)

Needless to say, a certain someone got maybe a little bit too excited about generally non-exciting things. But seriously though just look at all these sleek shiny super awesome new brushes, they make my teeny weeny caveman brain go ahhhh 🤩

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All the boys and I…


Just a little lowkey half-cover of All The Boys by Panic! At The Disco, done whilst in the middle of procrastinating on a rather tedious dog sketching study session (for someone who’s a self-proclaimed, flagrantly proud dog person, i sure am horrible at drawing said animal .-.). I don’t really get many chances nowadays to pick up my guitar/ukulele/bandurria and practice my singing ever since I started sharing a room with my younger sister a couple months ago (nothing personal sis, but i absolutely cannot fucking stand even just feeling your mere vague presence in the same room—a reclusive guy needs their own privacy too for satan’s bloody sake!!) so my croaky voice slash amateur playing may or may not sound a bit (and by that i mean a whole damn lot) rusty, but eh that’s how it usually is anyway, what can y’all do. My only regret is not going ahead full-send and finishing covering the whole song while I’m at it (and also that final pained expression is me wondering if I even managed to hit that final low E or if my wavering voice betrayed me and went flat again, jävla helvete) but hey, I might just do that sometime soon. And by sometime soon I basically mean whenever my younger sister so politely chooses to fuck off away somewhere else and I don’t have to listen to her inconsiderate, incessant, obnoxiously-loud reactions while watching whatever fucking anime or k-drama on her phone for the entire day and I could finally have the room all to myself again. Those nice, fleeting, quiet moments of pure isolation, now that’s something I’ve highly taken for granted :'< Lastly, I know I probably look like homeless sunburnt ass here. I have no excuse. That is simply my face—albeit a bit more UV-damaged than usual. I have indeed attempted to cover it up with some nice pretty vintage filters; I have done the best I can but I will still apologise for it, though tentatively. And I shall close this off with a my finally-finished page of sketchy doggos; have a great rest of the day, dear nonexistent audience. [contorts and neatly folds up my body a-la boneless eldritch abomination and crawls under my cramped bedspace to wither away once more]


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ipecac milkshake

& i wish there was a soft metaphor / to lower you into this grief.

–Donte Collins; anger

have you found your next darling spithole yet?

not meaning to come off rude but

i just don’t have photo albums in my home anymore

of all those weathered stacks

of glossy tourist postcards and airbrushed polaroids and half-arsed private promises which led to

quick pity fucks and more simpleminded conversations (weather? news? one plus one?)

when you ran out of coffee grounds

and breakfast was cold

and the fingernail scars being shamefully picked on were still quite scarlet

like vampire tongues

fresh off a feast, a binge, a hellfest

of a hot-lipped hunger pang

how many towns did you ravage and terrorise and theatrically swoop over with your velvet raiments

how many people fainted

at the mere sight of your anaemic cadaver-sheet skin and anabolic empty marble glare

how many thrust pitchforks punctured your abdomen and how many furious torches

burned the inside of your pelvis and how many corroded teeth did you lose chewing on

leftover bones the next night

sitting all alone in your grandiose dining hall that smells of decaying rats and halitosis

spitting out the occasional tough marrow or stray spider leg (you never really got used to that odd brackish flavour),

how much of it was

worth it to you?

you were acting on impulse

instinct

some other impressive, egregious “i” word you have yet to figure out;

i can’t blame you.

blame is too weak a word for anyone with half your brain to ever understand

i can’t blame myself

except sometimes in the middle of the night when my juddering teeth refuse to unclench (pissoffpissoffpissOFF)

i understand

you’re the same as everyone else (nothing wrong with that i’m wrong i’m wrong so wRoNg) but

sometimes understanding doesn’t mean forgiving

[just nod] yes i understand

okay fine, you crave makeup kisses

caked-up made-up fake love fake blood

painting broken boundaries all over brocade bedsheets screaming

slipping almost begging

WARNING don’t cross this line and carefully step over the crude chalk drawings

where many unfortunate deaths have occured

splintered spines and shredded vascular systems and cannibal sick sighs

you barely even toed it and you lost an entire fucking arm

past that finish line

where they unhinged their jaws like singing serpents and gorged mercilessly

until their overbloated stomachs

ballooned up and burst into confetti just in time

for the next baby shower birthday party funeral eulogy

and you might be the next

victim

will you fall for that

a g a i n ?

never bloody mind that—

because we’re all about acceptance here.

we’re all about holy terrors cavorting with holey beggars

we’re all about your tremulous callused hands on the inside of someone’s delicate insides

coil up their wrenched guts again musicman

spill your unraveling lullaby all the softly shrieking butterflies have desperately searched for a way out

and you crushed them all

just to feel iridescent powder sparkling in your stained palms at 3 a.m.

reflecting the gentle throb of the glow-in-the-dark stars and the grating television static and the godless blue in your undilated pupils

when she’s lying next to you fitfully asleep

dreaming of an infinite field where the weeping azaleas never bloom (she still wonders what it meant)

ribcage left ajar just a peep

cascading umber hair and stick-insect limbs splayed all over your worn pillows

sometimes unconsciously feeling your freezing nape

and you feel nothing

at all

i hope you’re happy (satisfied?)

or i hope at least, that she rinses off your fraying toothbrush after she uses it to secretly purge in your newly-cleaned toilet

if that’s not too much to ask for

and you also left some day-old lemonade and reheated battery acid by the fridge door

just in case

but you missed out on buying coffee grounds again

even though there’s an unhealthy smattering of pinned yellow-note reminders

right next to her faded number

and you’ll be moving out next week

oh well. oh well. unwell.

my obscene picture collection is still incomplete even though it’s set to display on a national gallery next week [this is your cue to clap]

but you never called back so

i hope you’re happy (shit—sorry—satisfied)

she’s not

and please, don’t forget to gargle.

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soft bee: a story in three screenshots

a casual friend just shared my stupid bee art post on their ig stories and i’m just,, completely sent into orbit,,, this uncalled-for wholesomeness made my shriveled husk of a deadened soul so unexpectedly gentle i need a hecking moment,,,,

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Drinking Game: take a shot every time I mention “brush pen” in this post (and potentially die of alcohol poisoning)

(╯✧ ∇ ✧)╯

After over a week of gnashing my teeth in painful impatience, the brush pens I impulsively ordered online finally arrived, whoop whoop 🙌

But first, a bit of an amusing story about the delivery: it was around 8 AM that day and as usual, my nocturnal arse was just about to go to sleep, when I got the message from the courier that they’re going to be delivering my package. I figured they’d probably arrive somewhere in the afternoon (as these circumstances usually allow for), so I simply set an alarm for 12 PM and peacefully buggered off to dreamland…until less than an hour later, when my mother shook me awake and told me that the deliveryman is already waiting by our gate. I equal parts hastily and groggily put on a questionably-smelling jumper and my glasses in a futile attempt to look less zombie and more human; and I also had to borrow money from my mum to pay for it because my jerk wallet decided to play Where’s Waldo with me and I had no time to go searching for it (iou, literally, thanks ma!). I then stumbled outside, got my package, paid for it and thanked the deliveryman, and shambled back to our house (ignoring my younger sister’s pressing questions of what the hell did i just buy), where I promptly doused the whole thing in rubbing alcohol to disinfect it and I proceeded go pass out again…fooorrr about five minutes, before I bolted upright in a fit of ecstatic adrenaline, savagely tore the package open, did some shaky swatches on my sketchbook, and finally—finally!—got some well-needed rest. And by rest I basically mean less than five hours of restless half-naps because my dumb cat kept plodding all over me on our bed and excitedly zipping around the room, and I had to wake up every 30 minutes or so just to sometimes refill her food and water and calm her tf down.

Anyway, rambly storytime tangents aside, on to the actual subjects of this rant: the brush pens. Firstly, I bought a Tombow Fudenosuke brush pen with a soft tip, because it’s a pretty popular art brand and I’ve always heard positive reviews about it. I was supposed to get a hard tip variation because it’s apparently more stable to use and thus much better for beginners, but they didn’t have any stock of that so I settled for this one instead. I don’t mind a bit of a challenge though, it might be more fun figuring it out this way, haha. The other pen I bought is a Mitsubishi double-sided brush pen with both a large and a small nib, and god damn but does this pen look gorgeous or what??? The wood texture print + golden japanese writing + overall professional sleek look of it is just so ✨ aesthetically pleasing ✨ 20/10 points for presentation, honestly. I was initially going to go and buy two Zebra brush pens—one with a fine nib and another with a medium or large nib—but then I saw the Mitsubishi pen and figured it was more practical and handier to have, plus it’s cheaper than buying two pens outright and I’d still get the same variation of nibs, so I went with that one instead. In a way, I already have the three basic nib sizes to work with, which is more than everything I need to get started.

Some months-old Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap sketches I did with the Daiso and knockoff colour brush pens

That being said, I’m admittedly not too well-versed with using brush pens yet. The most experience I’ve ever had with using them beforehand are from some cheap water-based colour ones that I bought for arts class in college which barely even pass as brush pens, and a black medium tip one I bought from Daiso, which was honestly fun to sketch with and actually prompted me to go on ahead and buy some better brush pens. I simply love how the different line weights you can get with brush pens just make the artwork look a whole lot more fleshed-out, flowy, and dynamic; and I also fancy using it for quick sketches and studies, to train my hand’s muscle memory and try and get the best out of the nib’s flexibility. Hopefully, when I’m already confidently familiar enough with using brush pens, I could perhaps obtain a Pentel Pocket brush pen for myself. Those bad boys are supposedly one of the best brush pens for drawing, plus they’re also refillable and not disposable unlike the ones I bought, which is a huge advantage to me. I want the pink pentel one tbh, it looks so damn pretty but it’s also kinda really expensive and I’m very unskilled and will probably end up fraying the nib and wasting ink and lamenting over such grievances, so I’ll just stick to these two brush pens for now. They’re decently high-quality enough and get the job done and even simply having them around already inspires me to want to draw more, so zero complaints there. :>

some swatches + silly blob sketches!!

another test sketch, just blocked in the basic lineart and didn’t add any shading or detail here because i thought it looked nice enough as is, but i just might do that later on :3

And with that, here are some test swatches + blob sketches I did for the pens (i used the fluorescent shades from my Sakura Koi Creative Colours watercolour set for painting the blobs), which I’ve never tried before and was quite a brain-buster to fill out and yeah it’s a total hecking mess, but I had so much fun with it and I think it turned out kinda cute anyway??? And I also threw in a quick little sketchy portrait study of the biggest Kendork ’round this side of the planet (ft. a pink dong-a metallic pen), because I wanna draw more expressive faces and I adore this smol bean’s smiley face anyway so why the hell not (even if i highkey ruined it with my trash art skills, sorry :c). Now for a few initial impressions: using the bigger nib in the Mitsubishi pen is suuuper satisfying for filling out huge spaces with ink, while the smaller one is really handy for details because I feel like it’s a lot stiffer which is great. Finally, the Tombow brush pen is rather springy and a bit unpredictable so I have to recalibrate my very heavy hand and be less hesitant with lining, so that I don’t accidentally press too little or too hard and get thick and inconsistent lines with it. I also noticed a bit of stray hair fibres sticking out in the nibs, but I could easily remove those and it doesn’t seem to be completely fraying or anything—and it’s probably my fault anyway, because I have the graceless hefty hands of an uncoordinated troglodyte. All in all, there’s still quite a learning curve to go, but I’m just enjoying using them so much and I can’t wait to use them some more, so I don’t think that’s going to be much of an overbearing obstacle for me. I’ve also already done a proper watercolour painting test using the Mitsubishi pen (the tombow one is apparently water-based so i’m not sure if it’ll work great with wet media, but i suppose i’ll have to try it out first) and it holds up astoundingly well and doesn’t get reactivated once properly dry—but maybe I’ll save that artwork for another post ;^)

instead, have this stupid-looking kinda narcissistic overall bad doodle of yours truly + a sleepy shoulder cat to end this all off

Well, that’s that for now. I’m off to hopefully practice a whole lot more with these pens and maybe even make some flash art if I’m feeling extra motivated, so good day and goodbye for now, keep safe and keep creating y’all 🌠

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what’s up, my quinquennial microdrop of serotonin arrived at a rather strange time and i’m here to talk about it

3:35 AM. puny muscles insanely aching from a couple of recently-finished HIIT workouts, sipping my usual room temperature lemon and green tea paired with some hoarded soggy french toast (which my older brother whipped up for us earlier today and ngl he done good), trying to finish a really stupid self-indulgent watercolour fanart of some of my favourite vocalists from my favourite bands, and ending up procrastinating on the latter anyway as i try to catch up on watching fawlty towers (love me my hilarious classic british sitcoms + john cleese being absolutely iconic as usual) and (most importantly!!!) have a god damned hardcore banger of the best exhilarating dance party ever to be partied by a singular entity along to Big Time mcfucking Rush songs (yes, seriously, unironically, shamelessly and wholeheartedly, so go back to your joyless cavern and weep, haters); without any care in the world nor bedside consideration that artemis (the poor furbaby’s in heat again :<) is lowkey wailing for a frigging tomcat to do her in asap and my younger sister is literally just one wall over in the same room having a peaceful snoozefest—and i’m probably disturbing them both with my sudden outbursts of atonal singing and foolish laughter and constant earthquake-inducing jumping about + graceless limb flailing moves. yep. this is it. this is my cursed existence now. and i’m genuinely having the time of my cringey fucking life.

((exhibit a: a complete nobhead perhaps having a bit of fun and definitely being the filthy utter shameless whore that they are,,, cancel my soul now before it’s too late pls i beg-))

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Feisty Four 4️⃣

A very happy birthday and many scrumptious slices of ube rolls and chocolate cake to this cheeky little bugger!! Not to sound a tad cliché and all but honestly Gianni-ya’s growing up quite fa(s)t that just thinking about it’s sending my mind into orbit,, like oh snap it’s been four years since he was first born and stole my spacey bedroom from me and since then it’s been four years of lots of playtime and wailing and giggles and messes and disgusting bodily fluids and babysitting afternoons and most of all, those annoying knockoff nursery rhymes and songs with awful animations about baby sharks and selfish monkeys hoarding the bed and johnny johnny straight-up lying to his dad, the fucker jk hahaha anyway much love kid 🎉🎂🎈

Also, here’s a video from when Gianni and my younger sister walked in on me blasting some metal on speakers in the bedroom (if you could pardon the mess of our tiny cramped house, soz) and we randomly decided to teach him how to mosh slash scream sing, and he very nearly ended up bashing his head on the window (we are clearly really Good babysitters™, hire us pls). Anyway, he does love watching and dancing along to All Time Low, Pierce The Veil, and Sleeping With Sirens music videos (among numerous other emo bands, that is) and y’all, guess whose fault that is though ooft 👀 Not gonna lie, I don’t know whether to be ashamed or proud of myself for that lmao but at least I could victoriously revel in the fact that my older brother has a lowkey grudge on me about it because he also attempted to indoctrinate our nephew with his own music of choice (i.e. k-pop)—and failed miserably teeth on concrete lmaooo bitch u really thought??? I sang classic rock lullabies to this bairn since he was barely even months-old and goddamn well raised him on a healthy dose of punk and alternative music, your pathetic attempts to relinquish us shall prove futile!!! okay wow that was a bit of a stupid tangent and i still have some leftover mango roll to gorge on along with my rapidly-cooling black coffee so goodbye for now and happy 4th beeday again gianni ya chubby adorbaby~

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little spirals (06.05.20)

life’s been kinda fucked. anxiety and depressive episodes have been really bad. so many big and sudden changes happening both in and out of my personal perspective that i’m finding maybe just a bit hard to cope with. incessantly worrying over certain things and people even though it’s rather pointless to do so but i can’t help it all the same. mild vapid distractions don’t seem to be working anymore and i literally can’t do anything normal nor mindless without overpowering guilt having a big go at me, yelling that i shouldn’t be doing it at all because god damn it, life can’t go on right now—not with everything else that’s going on at the moment, you inconsiderate selfish cunt. 2020 just somehow keeps stretching into another insane bout of unwanted changes and numbing limbo and miserable infinity and at this point, it’s honestly quite reasonable to wonder if it’s still even worth it to keep hanging around. if not, then perhaps the total surrender could be justified if there’s nothing really left to look forward to out there anymore. huh. some rotten food for thought. i wanna fucking throw up. or just stay off the internet for a while. anyway, take care and three cheers for worsening mental instability 🥂

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