Tag Archives: relapse

metal & skin (xxvi.)

i’m not

relapsing

i just need

to vent

there’s too

much to be

gone, and

nothing spent.

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numb and number

why do i constantly

feel the need to fuck up?

even though the same

mistakes me always cost me

a blood excavation

is it because i just want

to find excuses to just keep

on relapsing? am i really

that messed in the head,

that i would need pain justified

to convince myself that i’ll

fucking need more of it?

for once, i wish i wasn’t capable

of writing until i’m as empty

as my pen and as indecipherable

as the paper i tore to shreds

i’m so sick and disgusted

of how i badly run my system

and really, the only option

is for the gears to stop working

or better still, fix what i can

with a quicker pharmacy visit

and offset an overdosed withdrawal

i just want to muffle it all

can’t i be allowed even that, at least?

can i just no longer feel?

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Relapse, Recover

Who am I to think I’m one with this
To devise a life and run with it
Well, I’m running away
Then hear my ties to burden
And this is where I’m from
So when my body fails me
And all my beliefs, taking flight
This is how you’ll remember me…

~*~

These cicatrices are verboten, swear to hell that you will keep them

Crashing the pnuematic mistakes I fall away in again and yet again

Clinical neuropathy and an ugly intruder that never seems to yield

Scavenging my liquor breath and leaving my collapsed lungs killed

.

Drink in the chasms of ocean trust and lose a gold fountain of youth

Impervious to the suffering I averted, prismatic saved stars uncouth

If these knives are a circus show, my veins are the devil’s fairground

I never thought I even had it in my dragged carcass to still be around

.

As you spoke in tongues of sequined runes and automatic hieroglyphs

Of laconic hope, disembodied willow phantoms trailing from your lips

The acolytes ambush in resistant strain and infested in forlorn fervour

You won’t dare let this algae drown, alleged not to be a mere spectator

.

So bury the scars under fading promises and writ oaths in ink-noir blood

Privacy’s always my abraded fallacy, occluded to playing games with God

I swallowed the dynamite and lit a cigarette, let the ashes dance delirious

You altered the fuse inside my burning abdomen, knowing it was insidious

.

I never hoped for a full recovery, but I’m hitching a ride at the next ambulance

If the ritalin ceases to perplex my vertiginous peripheral, I will find my chance

I’m starving for friends and absent sense, the ones I’d die in a lost heartbeat for

And if I ever finish tallying all my infinite debts, I’ll let you know the final score.

~*~

Build me a foundation, not one of perfection
But one of structure and word
My eyes are upright, in constant search
Perfection, a shout unconquerable
Aren’t we all human! Aren’t we all human?

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metal & skin (xxi.)

it’s

fucking

good

to

be

back.

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blood.letter.

those words

felt as if

they were

cutting into

me themselves…

so just what

is the better

difference

if i b l e e d ?

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Danneggiare

tempt

under sacrifice

leaking

whispering lies

resistant

drown in thresh

piercing

its paper flesh

restrict

the blood vessels

quailing

an illusion of hell.

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accidental relapse

so trigger me

make me weak

scars on skin

make me seek

so trigger me

i know i’m weak

but is that all

you want to risk?

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metal & skin (xiii.)

am i really that ready

to bleed out once more?

to have lines on my body

to continue keeping score?

am i really so ready again

to taste the love of a pain?

and if i find myself gasping

will that make it all remain?

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deep cut

I’m relapsing down again

There’s desperation everywhere

And it’s fucking contagious

It’s just another one of those days

Where I’m sinking in misery

And suffocating in my own self-pity

For no rational reason at all

That it’s almost pathetic

It is fucking pathetic.

I’m feeling the need badly

To colour my world with carmine

And murder my twisted veins

But I can’t, I shouldn’t—

I thought I called a ceasefire

But it’s burning in my heart

Tearing apart my mind with screams

And making my senses recede

Into senselessness that ironically

I can cancel out with one

Silver glint and a single slash

But I won’t, I musn’t—

And yet I really fucking should.

The crave is almost unbearable

I can’t resist falling in from the sin

Please pray, please understand

I need the pain to breathe

My lungs refuse to provide oxygen

I need this pain to live

I really don’t want to…

But I have to.

Please don’t let me touch the blade

Please don’t let my skin touch the blade

Please don’t let me…

D o n ‘ t . . .

I’m sorry.

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Withdrawals

I’m suffering

From lost actions

And drowning in

Failed distractions

.

In cold drip sweat

And lethargy

With painful lust

Tongue quavery

.

It’s like a drug

Placebo pills

And life’s a drag

Too close to kill

.

Even worse than

Cigarettes on

Alcohol and

Medications

.

Unsettled nerves

Sinking feelings

Rising up bile

Tastes sickening

.

Incoherence

Mumbles of black

I can’t do it

Let me go back

.

I’m fucking great

Just losing sense

Trapped withdrawals

From your absence.

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