Tag Archives: sadness

present to past

i gave a gift

to sadness

and he threw

it all away

.

the only emotion

i have left to give—

.

and it doesn’t want me to stay.

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Neurotic

Sadness is sadness

Until it’s reversed

Frowns turn to madness

And smiles perverse

.

Writing is writing

Until a mind notices

Words turn to endings

And stories to sense.

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mental block. (1)

***

i’m caught

between

sadness

and fear

question is,

where do i

go from here?

***

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Halo Blue

We tore our phones to shreds
We didn’t answer nothing
To all friends and family, lost or dead
I couldn’t get much sleep
You lost your self in mine
It couldn’t get much worse…

~*~

Systematic shutdown, and one by one my optimism closes

You pulled the plug on the starlight that keeps me awake

I may not be in my melting point, but I’m still a hot-lead mess

I think I’d rather stay dead than to keep my tongue fake

.

There’s nothing else I would feel if not for our blue hair bet

But mine is deep ocean dark, yours is a bubblegum ice cream hue

Even if we blended together, we can’t ever be a scarlet sunset

Does that mean we should just stop trying? I say it’s all up to you

.

I’m usually full of shit, but I like you and I don’t like anyone, hey

You’re one of my favourite few, and if I were well-versed, I could say

That my eyes are only four glimpses away from reaching your sun

But I’m not, so I guess all I can say is a cliche point-blank ‘you’re fun’

.

Fine, it’s not all about me and my sadness, but I don’t have to care

I’ve been withholding my cries for help ever since I discovered it was there

I might not be cool enough for your cult, but I wanna join the club

Of the haters asking for another lobotomy and demented idiots equally in love

.

With this systematic shutdown’s taking over, one by one my cynicism closes

And you pulled out the wires and circuits to turn off the stars that burned into my sleep

I don’t think I’m thinking straight from thinking about your thoughts all the time

But I would rather stay down than to keep lying to myself about what I can take and keep.

~*~

I think I’ll die obsessed
Let’s give up fighting back
You don’t need to grip the best
Because we’re lucky people
And you’ll never have to sleep alone…

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Saturni Ad Infinitum

~*~

CHANGE OF PACE

To see the clouds dragged down in vain

Another schism pulled away into disdain

An aftershock of cyanide writ in red letters

The austerity banished and again embittered.

~*~

MIKO

Disconnected dissension dwelt in maiden shrines

A lone voice seeks peace in a tempest of rigid design

In precarious erudition and fraudulent disputation

As her ebony tapestry is burned in laureate predilection.

~*~

DELLE PIOVERE

Recherche glistening in rusticated reveries of diamond dewdrops

An avalanche of labyrinthine dreams brimming to the cusp

Illicit, a monochrome heart searches tranquility in the midst of dissonance

Nihilism whispers for each staccato beat, as behind the pale moon, shadows dance in elegance.

~*~

TAKING BACK RED

Notches on the canvas that used to be the purest of white

Now reduced to common insanity, pilfering a virgin sight

Chagrined wish never uttered, held at the back of interface

And hope—against hope, that the ruptures will be erased.

~*~

CHASING FOR A GLIMPSE

Just tell me when you’re down, and we can go downtown

To paint the rain with auburn blues, draw on every smiley face a frown

Just tell me when you’re not alright, and we can stay all night

To pen about storms in chemical black, write until you take back the light.

~*~

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A Week Washed Up In Melancholy’s Undertow

~*~

SUNDAY: TIE ME UP AGAIN

The bright stars are rudely burning my eyes

And that cherry sunset sky is badly rotting

The moon frowns back in a dulled disguise

When my soul finds life severely disappointing.

~*~

MONDAY: YOU COULD FILL ME IN

I dial the knobs and tune to your station radio

And once upon a time, I heard melodic music

But your airwaves changed into a distorted audio

And now all I hear is a dinning unpleasant static.

~*~

TUESDAY: I’LL BE FINE WITH IT

I shoot my bullet kiss through a small shaky dime

Held between your teeth and trembling fuchsia lips

An inch more, a heart-less, and you might’ve died

But are you glad, my dearest love, that I’ve missed?

~*~

WEDNESDAY: I KNOW HOW TO SWIM

Call my arctic cloudy hopes dangling overhead

But it’s raining storms, a cumulonimbus crying

And I’m left shivering, sneezing, badly drenched

Rendered sick by my own coldest falling optimism.

~*~

THURSDAY: SEND A HURRICANE TO ME

These playground games are no longer fun

The red metal swing set is creaky and rusted

Empty staccato of children shouting as they run

From a happy childhood long past evanescenced.

~*~

FRIDAY: SINKING NEVER FELT SO SWEET

Fade in, fade out, show of just another sfumatic spectre

Blending in the vestiges, blending in the damp colours

Fade in, fade out, fade until I turn into an invisible grey

Waiting for the day I fail to reappear and completely fade away.

~*~

SATURDAY: STUCK IN YOUR UNDERTOW

Bobbing against the deepest aquamarine waters, float, sink, float, sink, float, sink, float

Submerged into an abyssal trench of disconsolence, hanging barely by a splintered boat

Drown, gasp, struggle by the waves, yet in the end I curl into a peaceful ball and sink slowly

And accept the pressure that crushes my weakened lungs as I drift in undertows of melancholy.

~*~

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Little Blue Butterfly

Little blue butterfly

Dancing in the pink skies

Past the green lands grassy

Aren’t you just very pretty?

.

Little blue butterfly

Now don’t you dare cry

For beauty is your grace

Adding colour to our days

.

Little blue butterfly

All you ever do is try

Flutter against the cold rain

Fight against the harsh pain

.

Little blue butterfly

Why do you sadly sigh?

All the sweet nectar is gone

Chromatic flowers wilted on

.

Little blue butterfly

Why do you still lie?

Try to exude hope as you fly

But truth is…

Don’t you just want to curl up and die?

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John Smith

“…the sky took on a wonderful deepness of blue…the jerking sun became a streak of fire, a brilliant arch, in space; the moon a fainter fluctuating band; and I could see nothing of the stars, save now and then a brighter circle flickering in the blue.” ~The Time Machine; H.G. Wells

~*~

I. SPACE

He twirled stars on his fingertips

And danced across the galaxy

Held the fragile world beneath his hearts

And that made him very happy.

~*~

II. UNIVERSE

Using a blue boat to circle the celestial colours

He always loved the stellar view and the endless allure

Wading past the milky way and the constellations suspended

And past the blinding supernovas that he created.

~*~

III. TIME

Time never really did matter much to him

They were all just echoing ticks and melting clocks

So whenever things get too awry and grim

He’d make the entire world’s breathing stop.

~*~

IV. DESOLATION

John Smith, he had it all

All the time to spend in all the universe

But one thing that caused his excitement to fall

Was that utter loneliness was his curse.

~*~

V. END

No one was daring enough to travel with him together

And no one lasted long enough to stay with him forever

So all that remains in the end is the tale of the man, lonely all through

With an empty blue boat and a sad heart torn in two.

~*~

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Songs of the Fallen

When all humans have gone, and not a soul lingers in sight

Two shady figures come out bold, their eyes twinkling of delight

One nods enthusiastically, the other grins widely like a fool

As they start to roam, hand in hand, the acres of the deserted school

.

Singing such ancient songs that reflect their emotions like a mirror

Their happiness, melancholy, and every essence of their anger

Songs with stories, the chirps of the nocturnal insects intertwining with their laughter so high

They know they wouldn’t change the world by yelling at it, but they can sure damn well try

.

They sing to a reality that shunned them and banished them hurt

They sing to the condescending people that went out of their way and treated them like dirt

They sing, to tune out the sharp, cruel, lethal words they’ve always been told

They sing, because that’s all they have to offer against this world so cold

.

They sing, and their shackled hearts finally break free from its prison and and fly

They sing, and their void, tampered souls light up the entire night sky

They sing, and not a single thing matters anymore in the veering infinite universe

As those two twisted figures dance, laugh and joyfully shout out each verse

.

Because their ignored noises and that seemingly-silly routine are what makes it worth it

After existing in yet another dreary day that they want to instantly forget

And as their chariots came, and the last rays of the smiling sun disappears

The two figures slip out, only left with ghost smiles and tunes still bounding in their ears

.

But there came a horrid time when one suddenly had to leave the place

Unforeseen circumstances, it left both their minds in such a haze

And the very last thing that kept their days worth all the torturous pain

Had been mercilessly ripped off their hands, flickered off like a candle in the rain

.

And when the fateful last day came, both figures stood staring emptily at the evanescing horizon

Singing, but this time more mournfully, the penultimate verses of their written requiems

Then they said their goodbyes as if everything was simply back to normal again

Even though both thoughts wailed, pleaded, screamed that this will never be bound to happen

.

Now she walks one crumbled path, and he walks the dusty other

Two lives disconnected, parallel worlds untouched, two completely different matter

Will they be bound to meet again, only the sluggish ticking time can tell

But for now, the joyous songs have ceased, and left an open ending to the bittersweet tale

.

But if one listens closely, and to the parting chromatic sunset they run

Over there, at the end of the boundary line, in the coalescing light of the setting sun

One’ll hear, maybe, just maybe hear a faint sound that from Time has been stolen

A small shadow, an imprint, a faint echo of the last songs of the Fallen.

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The Tale of a Human Heart

I always thought she was perfect

Invincible, indestructible

Flawless in every way

I thought she cannot be wrecked

Cannot be destroyed from where she stood

Like Superman in disguise

And because of that careless mindset

I became a terrible person

I often caught myself scolding her

Reprimanding her, chastising her

For failing to do something perfectly

Like I thought she always does

Failing to notice the good things she’s done for me

And instead focusing on her minute mistakes

But did she shun me for this?

Shout at me? Tell me to stop?

No.

Instead she sucked it up and tried even harder

Tried to be flawless, to be that perfect person

That faultless person I always imagined in my head

She tried, even though it was slowly killing her

She tried too hard, and it was shattering her soul, little by little

Until her strive to perfection finally took a toll on her

And one day I saw her lying on the floor

Shallow breathing, bloodshot eyes, a barely conscious mind

And at that moment I finally saw her for what she was

Vulnerable, hurting, fragile

I screamed, I cried, I wailed in pain

When I finally saw my superhero collapse

And crumble to the ground

She had a terrible sickness, the doctors said

It was eating her inside

They looked at me with pity and regret

As though they could understand

And when I sat next to her hospital bed

That’s when I finally realized…

She’s only human.

She’s not Superman, she’s not a god

She’s not perfect, she’s not sinless

She’s just human, like the rest of us are

She laughs, she cries, she gets angry, she feels

She gets hurt, she bleeds, she has a soul

She’s prone to sickness and even death

And what did I do? Try to get her out of bounds

Pushed her to her limits, make her achieve the impossible

But because of my stupidity, she paid for it instead

She took the fall when I was the one holding the ax

I’m so sorry, darling, I couldn’t be good enough for you

She said in between shallow breaths

I’m so sorry I had to be sick

No, don’t say that, it was all my fault

I replied as I held back tears

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry

But saying sorry doesn’t matter at all now in the end

As her eyelids started to flutter, and her heart started to slow down

She caressed my face one more time, and I held her close in my heart

And she finally whispered her very last words

I love you, mixed with the sounds of the flatline

The final judgement for life

My tears fell so fast, there was no point holding them back now

The woman I had to brave for was gone

Yes, in the end, she was just another human

But to me she was the most important human in the world

I guess…now it’s too late to say that to her though

But there is only one thing I know in myself

And I know that she does too

The only words she needed for peace

I love you too, mom.

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