Tag Archives: scared

anatomical dissection: feet

i don’t want

to walk endless

stretches of miles

for a destination

that doesn’t exist.

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A Fool That Stands For Nothing

What good is a life
When you live it ashamed?
I dream just to be halfway
But all I am is a product of
Wasted efforts and best intentions…

~*~

I should have let the rope hurt me

Before I let it fully embrace my breathing

I covered the hope with a black curtain

So I wouldn’t have to see disappointment again

What did I expect? That it would disappear?

That I have everything to gain and nothing to fear?

I fought against reason and wasted my life scared

Asking for every idle chance from a god that wasn’t there

Now they all smile sympathetically and say it’s okay

You weren’t the ones that failed, so how would you know?

Every inch of comfort is uncomfortable and sickening

And every movement from the side is insanely slow

I should have seen it coming, and damn it, I really thought I had

But my head is stubborn and twenty doses of stupid, and I wanted it bad

I act like I’m so clever and apathetic, when all I am is pathetic

I never wanted to let you down, but I did…I fucking did.

~*~

We do this while you start wondering
If disaster is what you’re built for
Will I slowly learn to accept
That I won’t have more than a life on the sidelines
Or will I always be dreaming
Of liking life from the darkness alone?

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Come, Morning Light

The fire that left your blanket in ashes

Won’t trouble your cold heart anymore

And the angels that carried your parents

Will not return to take your heart to soar

.

As your little grey ragdoll sits by the ruins

Of the playground you once called “home”

And the shadows that used to play with you

Have disappeared, and now you feel so alone

.

Your tears have mixed with the relentless rain

That put out the wild flames alighting the city

Blossoms wilt and thorns flourish in the grass

The bloodred sunset is more scary than pretty

.

Your brother and sister went off with toy guns

And never returned even after they all promised

So now you sit by the orphanage’s cellar stairs

With others who lost their mummies and daddies

.

Are you alone in this world of detritus and rust?

Every light is killed with a dropping bomb again

Death is your lullaby, quiet music behind the dust

Faithless, will there be someone to save you then?

.

But no, don’t you cry now behind that gas mask

I’ll keep you safe from all the questions unasked

I’ll sing you a song, as this sky falls in fragments

Shield you with my wounded arms from the glass

.

Please don’t fear, you will never have to be hungry

You might dream of hell but heaven is yours to see

Asphalt grey and storms of gloom, as wind billows

Muffle every disaster, sleep soundly in your pillow

.

The war was never meant to be fought by innocence

Just machines to tear apart and men with losing sense

To your damaged soul, fettered with doubts and fears

No one will hurt you now…you’ll be alright, I promise

.

Someday the battle will end, and hope shall soon arrive

We can’t take back what’s lost, but we can change our lives

Open your eyes when the sun returns to shade the dawn

To see the rising daybreak where all your nightmares are gone.

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Obnoxious

I think with my heart and love with my head
Do you see the problem here?
You rip me to shreds
I think with my heart, you fuck with my head
Do you see the problem here?
You rip me to shreds, so tear into me…

~*~

I don’t know how to approach without causing a tiffed scene

For the situation is delicate and I’m a pubescent drama queen

With a firsthand awkwardness and an attitude that’s second rate

And a single third-degree word from my mouth could exacerbate

The bad into worse, wrong to right, and the good into questionable

I’ve never known how to react in a way that’s decent and preferable

Because I’ve hurt people too much, and my head is a constant mess

I am just another kid with a mean streak and a biro with a complex

It’s not the way it was anymore, now there’s always a tangible tension

A silent crash of peripheral glares, and a screeching of metal emotions

I’m sorry if I’m maundering, apathetic, and constantly act like I don’t care

But the truth is that I actually care far too much—and that’s why I’m scared.

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Nightly Vigils

her broken fingers trembled

as the vivid scars on her pale neck

drew another drop of blood

and dripped down her cotton gown

.

the dim lamp pulled back

arches of demonic silhouettes

sleeping beside her with

their fangs bared beneath fragile flesh

,

she was terrified to move

even a sinew or a twitch of a muscle

frightened that she might get hurt

scared that she might feel pain again

.

the stars cackled their sympathies

in the cracks of the closed venetian blinds

and the moon was like a watchful eye

under an impairing blindfold

.

the night was dragged by the ticking

of the ancient pendulum clock

every now and then clanging boastfully

but she didn’t flinch; no, she daren’t

.

simply lying there in silent agony

without a warning or a clue of

the dust that gathers in her eyes like

the old tears she couldn’t shed anymore

.

and her incensed thoughts were louder

than the wailing, moaning, and screeching

of the vile creatures she was damned

to remain in ill-fated company with

,

she gritted her teeth and clenched her knuckles

as the abominations stirred, squirming and

writhing in her mattress, and every touch

felt like a thousand tiny pieces of rusty razors

.

her catatonic body was stiff as a corpse

as she counted the hours until morning arrives

when all the monsters disappear from her room

so she could stop holding her stale breath

and bandage her freshly-cut wounds.

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Weightless

Make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless
I wanna live it up, just because
I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough…

~*~

Right now, I think I’m alright. My orbit is spinning steadily, caught in constant motion against the gravity of greater stars, keeping me from flying away and colliding with other astral bodies. The stars I rely upon are simply breathtaking. I deign to taste their enthralling radiance, but I’m aware of the impossibility of such a foolish notion, so I simply content myself to revolving around it lightyears away, thanking it silently for keeping me in line as I admire it from afar. But sometimes, for no discernible reason, the gravity weakens, and for a moment I break and drift away, attempting to pull back to my tether, terrified that I may never be able to bring myself back to that gravity, to the only thing that’s keeping my from crashing and vanished into oblivion within a black hole, forever lost in the infinite void. Hydrogen flares in my atmosphere and almost burns me up, as I strain and strain and strain back to that star, to that planet, to my solitary source of hope and light that always falls out of reach, to no avail. Then, to my great relief, the gravity slowly returns, returns to take me back in its reassuring grasp, returns to make me feel safe, and I can breathe easy again, comforted in its halcyon force. But as I continue to spin around the star, I wonder when the day will come when I finally drift too far away, too far for the gravity to reach, too far for the star to save me, too far gone. Within me, an earthquake deepens the rift, spreading veins of crevices and cracks, making prominent, irreparable faults, my molten core’s coriolis barely holding me in. And I wonder, I do wonder, which one will win the unwinnable race, which event horizon will occur first to end me. Will I fall away or break apart?

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testing hot water

oh, he’s so edgy

as a blunt blade

and with a sneer

have you unmade

oh, she’s so sharp

as chiseled stones

and with her drop

shatter your bones

oh, they’re so angry

and preciously proud

i should be scared but

who’s laughing now?

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metal & skin (xi.)

waiting for the right

time to come

isn’t really helping

all it does

is further intensify

the agony

that you’re prolonging.

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[R/L]oss

I’m losing a perfect thing

Past the pastel cracks glaring

Those western eyes were once mine

Now only concrete I could define

Distractions, cold stars on my skin

The sunset whispered words again

Life wasn’t a movie, I got scared

I’ve taken measures not to be prepared

Drag the motivation it burns away

Chafed like elbows on mannequin display

I’m sorry, the phrase casually bland

But there’s no proper way to understand

Chekhov’s gun pointed in my throat

It used to be my sole source of hope

Now it hunts me like a pack of vampires

The situation is a demon, black eyed and dire

I’ll always keep it, I’m afraid to lose this universe

The thought of freckles is such a blessed curse

On a flimsy canopy, past the bed I’ve made

Please don’t let it fade, please don’t let it fade…

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trigger-happy

coddling a gun

and eating suicide

they’re scared

but fuck it, i’ve never

felt more alive.

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