Tag Archives: sleep
the clock strikes five, and then there was one.
bathroom floor. feels cold. unnaturally perfect. comforting. alone.
fingers pointing to every tile—faded pink against mouldy lavender
grimly counting the grimy walls peddling for some peace of mind
mindless indulgence, please don’t run out, pleaseplease…but it does
148 tiles. not mine. five sleeping bodies outside, blissfully unaware
five dreams i struggle not to rudely wake up with my silent screams
one. one face. hounding the very verge of my panicked wiles
melting me into an incomprehensible mess. maddening, blaming
the perpetrator of the crime. blue. perfect blue. haunting blue
angel blue with cumulous hair, have you ever seen golden clouds
before? sweet and dimpled, stifle back a sour laugh, i’m falling before
i realise that i can’t fly, oh shit oh god, i can’t fucking fly—!
pulled back. 148 tiles. small cube. no sky. hell below. my shivering hands
prayer. tired kind of mantra, no don’t want this anymore, please i
just want to be okay, please i just want it all to stop stop stop stoppp
numb but hurt, reduced to fine shreds on 28 of the 148 dirty tiles
five unconscious bodies, enviously euphorically ignorant, another storm
but not from outside, it’s too chilly for that, my eyes blur as they fog over but
better than sorry little pissbaby tears trickling, i have to face this now anyway
there’s no proper decorum for dismantled fools like me. only life. only life.
light flickers shut. 148 tiles hide beneath the shadows. five bodies toss fitfully. one.
the clock strikes six, and then there were none.
alive, i dream, i sink
nothing to fear, i blink
death, your high, my low
yes, your maybe, my no
clever, a lie, a white noise
insane i sigh, my warm voice
zigzags, my path, your straight
even, my crooked, your gait
killed, i sleep, i levitate.
find caution, cascading in
myriad throes of guns and
faded starlight, held back
only by the darkness, stark—
bleeding. animosity presents
in the manner of a wornout
theatre pantomime, painted
faces, lacklustre marionettes
scarlet eye and lithium inhale
redolences and sedated mire
platitudes forsaken by saints
cathedrals of human blasphemy
and in absentia, soulful requiem
chanted towards their heavens
crescendo. swelling lamentation
a bitter reluctance held forth by
admonition of sins baptised for
vile manipulation, underwater
torture, clergies in brothels and
a tempest in allegro—a visceral
cacophony revolted and created
polarised transgressions feeding
on facsimiles, cautious, nebulous
sleep now and forever hold your peace.
i tuck to bed
and he sleeps
safe and soundly
at the cost of
my own dreams.
It’s only late, you have time
With any reason that you find
Somewhere in slumber
Is someone who didn’t see it coming
If all this leaves you behind
And everything starts to rewind…
gentleness in the crook of my left arm
sweet coffee and tasteless milk, dripping
against the pale of graphite and in
sleepy moving pictures, just some tired
faces tumbling through colder haze
of unfamiliarity and restless curiosity
from not really knowing what to do, but
a tiny heart beating against mine, it
guides my senses into instinctual concern
for a companion which replaces the love
i cannot truly keep; that similar butterscotch
twist against marbles of innocent aegan
another clever yet cruel coincidence
still speaking to me, to you, to us, to the
furry little darling dreaming of better days
like i have, like you will, like no one else
has ever dared to wander before…will my
arrow collide with the bullseye in your
chest, or will it miss its mark once again?
only time can intertwine these loose threads
pulling at empty air, until we find ourselves
finally curling up comfortably in quiet belonging,
saving all of our leftover warmth for crestfallen rainy evenings.
Tell me you’ll feel better
When you’re sleeping through the day
And I’ll tell you how you missed it
When you wake
It doesn’t mean anything…
Want to sleep
All of the
In sunrise gloom
I just want
To lay in my bed
About nothing else
Let’s keep it simple. Let’s dissolve the convoluted hyperboles with a dose of sedating fentanyl and simply look the problem straight in its eyes.
Not just pastel or skylight or marine or brilliant or midnight or cobalt or baby blue, no. But the kind of blue that makes any other shade of blue look lifelessly grey. The kind of blue you left me with watery gazes and sinkholes, when you left your thoughts to fester unstoppably in mine. The very kind of blue I never thought I’d hate to love.
Sometimes, it faintly tastes of the tranquil oceanic breeze, and I could rest easy by the lonely bayside as I let my wandering thoughts ponder cautiously. Tiptoes clumsily traipsing against curious hope and lukewarm sand, fallen horizons blushing a pallid sunset orange, caught smiling unaware whenever I chance upon the nuanced way you adored every delicate brushstroke on the canvas I painstakingly laid out for you; an artist cursed to draw the same portrait forever.
Sweet. Bitter. Nothing.
Sometimes, it’s destructive blizzards all at once; mental violence haphazardly spitting ammunition directly into my targeted chest, turning me into a tattered tapestry of miserable fury—barely fit to be called human. My mind wails and shrieks as it rakes its bladed nails down my spine, coming undone at the uncontrollable paranoia that the very same paintings which brought your attention to my existence would now cause you to draw loathing deep into my skin; an artist blessed to despise their own creations forever.
Tantrums. Bloody. Everything.
My convictions are constantly wavering, my tessellated identity shattering into stagnant fractals if I even so much shed a sliver of you off of my armour, and the overgrown thorns that once quietly infected my lungs sting a whole lot worse when I try to pull them out. So I lie between my gritted chemical teeth and pretend it’s for the best, but no amount of feigned reassurance will ever quell the tormented pangs writhing inside of me, wrenching badly-stitched arteries apart again and crushing my fragile bones to silver dust. Irreparable.
Useless. Helpless. Hopeless.
And still, that blue—god, that damned kind of blue—so vividly engraved behind my closed eyelids like a restless epitaph. Keeping me wide awake and screaming silently in the cramped jail cell I call my home as it softly lulls me off into perpetual sleep. Far away from the echoes of the observable universe, and everyone else, and nothing else. Your inimitable shade of blue.
The kind I hate I love.
Let’s spill into my bedroom and leave the lock open
I want your neon bones to glow against mine
You’re the only mess I won’t hide away in my closet
You’re the reason I always oversleep every night
My mind’s getting stretched out into a thin veil
So much so, that you could see through my thoughts
Is it immodest, love? Is it too vulgar to even care?
You said you’ll be a martyr but you don’t believe in God
Exposed to the acrid winter, still shrinking and shivering
I’d find it abhorrent if I wasn’t the one lost to a blizzard
Crawling for your warmth, your doors were never open
Would you leave it ajar for me, or leave all the lights shut?
But I won’t be the letdown that you’ll stand on and fall
And I just never know myself like I knew you at all
This chemical decadence is rotting my plastic heart
Convulsing my fragile veins as it’s tearing me apart
But I’ll spill into your bedroom even when it’s locked
I need your neon bones to extinguish against mine
You’re the mess I love to count when I’m not feeling tired
And the only reason I oversleep just to wake up every night.